Aibu- mum refused to look after my DD

[whatwherewhenwhywho]

Namechanged

will try to give as much info so i'm not drip feeding.

I have 2 Dds. My Mum loves and gets on well with older dd (10) who is from my ex partner. Older dd stays at mums house every friday. Mum lives very close by to me and we are around quite abit (she calls me around if i miss a day ). My brothers and their children live there aswell. Younger Dd is nearly 2 and from current partner (and my partner my mum doesn't really like). Dd (2) has never stayed over at my mums. Ive never asked nor have they offered. DD (2) is very attached to me and wants me around her all time, if not me then her dad. Ive never really been a day without her since she has been born but i'm fine with that.
The other day I went down to mums with both DDs. It was raining so I dropped my Dd (2) to my mums and went to post a letter 2 streets away ( my mums is in middle). I didn't plan to drop her off but when walking past my mums my nephew (who lives there too) was outside and he said he'd take her in as it was raining. I got a call few mins later ringing me to come back asap as dd was crying for me. This annoyed me a bit as I was literally no more than 10 mins and I thought my mum should have tried a little harder to quieten her down instead of ringing me as I told nephew I'd be very quick.
Today I was at mums. Popped into the garden and DD started crying as she thought i'd gone. Mum started saying oh shes a nightmare such hard work etc. I am due DS in sept. I said to my mum I was hoping she would get better with this crying soon as I am wanting her to stay with her (mum) for when I am going to go in for my elective c section. I explained that it wouldn't be for a night but maybe just the day as I wanted partner with me for section. Mum out right refused. She said no she's hard work and I need to take her with me (like thats an option). She went on one like I should tell hospital to make an exception (covid rules) and say I have no one to look after. I said thats fine and came home soon after. Didn't tell mum I was upset and kissed her goodbye etc like normal. Ive come home and i'm gutted, I cant stop crying. It's really got to me.

For the record my niece (3) who is my brothers daughter who also lives at my mums, is very attached to my mum. my mum adores her takes her everywhere.My niece is very spoilt and she literally cries at everything, hits my dd, never shares toys etc. so when they get together it IS hard work. But Basically what i'm trying to say is niece is also such hard work but my mum adores her. I would be lying if I said I wasn't slightly jealous for my younger DD.

So my aibu is / aibu to think that mum should have at least tried harder with my DD rather than just refusing. Am i being hormonal? I know mum has every right to say no but I do so much for her I never thought she'd say no.

Thanks if you got to the end x

So now you can't have your partner at the hospital when your new baby is born? Surely that will satisfy the posters who said that the partner should step up and provide childcare - thereby effectively removing himself from offering any support to OP. But hey, as long as no one has asked her mum to help eh ...

I think you're right to get yourself and DP used to the idea that you'll be relying on yourselves, for the birth, and that you'll need to go in on your own.
If your mum changes her mind before Sept, or one of your friends says they can help, that'll be great and if they don't you're already sorted anyway.

Ask your mum about it properly, though, not just casually in passing which it seems to have been.

I’m really sorry OP that you are in this situation. I was in a very similar situation 9 years ago when I had my DD. We were posted to a new area, hadn’t had the opportunity to make firm friends and I was being induced. Despite being available to come to have DD1, my mum told me I’d have to go in by myself and leave DH with DD1. It still hurts 9 years later as I’d do absolutely anything for my own children.
It’s not always easy to lessen contact when geographically, you’re so close. I hope that does not intensify the issue.

Hmmm.
I think the caste situation is one hell of a relevant dripfeed actually!

Traditionally, a child takes their father’s caste, right?

So is this really anything to do with your 2yo being clingy?

This isn’t as simple as your mother “not liking” your boyfriend.

Sounds like she doesn’t like your child because she’s a different (lower?) caste.

Re-write this as, “my white mother won’t babysit my mixed race child because her dad is black, but will regularly have my older white child” - and I think you’ll find a lot of people telling you then she shouldn’t have access to either of your children. Or you.

Stepping away from family is hard. But you did it before when your mother forced it, because of your divorce.

You have obviously thrown off the ridiculous caste system, but she hasn’t. I wouldn’t want her around my children.

A thread that started with your mother sounding very caring and involved, now looks more like control to me.

@Viviennemary

Your Mum has got enough on her plate. You should have asked first if you could drop your DD off. . I dont blame her for saying no to childminding.

It’s her GD whilst her daughter goes in for major surgery. You would just grit your teeth and do it, for the sake of afew hours till the child’s fathers back. I honestly don’t think it’s a lot to ask. Op has said her mum likes a house full.

@AlmostSummer21 would I refuse to spend hours trying to settle a distraught child who only wanted their mum and dad? Yes absolutely.
OP’s mother is under no obligation to provide care at all. Would be lovely and really helpful if she would obviously.
Also OP you didn’t ask. The way you spoke about it was assuming your mother had already agreed and it was a done deal. That’s not ok.

I agree with Cocomarine.

Especially about the fact you have been strong enough to step away in the past and you can do it again.

You can!!

I know it's completely beside the point, but if it's elective could you start sending your daughter to nursery now so she can be looked after there for the day?

This is a good idea.

I would start putting in some boundaries such as visiting a little less and not letting dd1 stay so often. If your mum questions why you tell her that dd2 is going to feel like forgotten if dd1 gets lots of nans attention and the baby when born will get lots of mums. It's best that she has her sister near by so she does not feel they are treated differently. Point out to your mum if no one ever watches dd2 for a short whole how is she ever going to learn when mum goes out she still comes home so doesn't need to get anxious. Ask her to watch her for short period. I know the postbox situation was a short period but you hadn't asked or even spoke to an adult which was the wrong way to go about it. Maybe she was not told you were posting a letter and wondered what on earth was going on.

I agree about taking a step back, as it sounds like it's prejudice rather than being overwhelmed. That won't go away when your daughter gets older, and may well get worse. It's important that your mother's prejudices aren't visited upon your kids.

I'm really sorry, OP.

Your mum sounds very involved and supportive of her dc and gc, even having some of them living with her.

Do you think she might just feel a bit taken for granted?

You didn't ask her whether she would provide childcare during your Caesarean section, but just assumed. The first she knew of the arrangement was when you commented on how you hoped dd2 would stop being so clingy before she had to go to your mum while you were in hospital. I wonder whether it might just have been nicer to ask?

And I am not sure it's fair to say that your mum plays favourites either. A clingy 2yo is very hard work and I wouldn't be in a hurry to babysit routinely either. I'd do it while you were in hospital but would expect to be asked.

@Cocomarine

Hmmm. I think the caste situation is one hell of a relevant dripfeed actually!

Traditionally, a child takes their father’s caste, right?

So is this really anything to do with your 2yo being clingy?

This isn’t as simple as your mother “not liking” your boyfriend.

Sounds like she doesn’t like your child because she’s a different (lower?) caste.

Re-write this as, “my white mother won’t babysit my mixed race child because her dad is black, but will regularly have my older white child” - and I think you’ll find a lot of people telling you then she shouldn’t have access to either of your children. Or you.

Stepping away from family is hard. But you did it before when your mother forced it, because of your divorce.

You have obviously thrown off the ridiculous caste system, but she hasn’t. I wouldn’t want her around my children.

A thread that started with your mother sounding very caring and involved, now looks more like control to me.

I didn't want to drip feed all this and maybe I shouldn't have. I just wanted to clarify for posters who were asking what partner has done to my family. Also to the ones who say my mum is struggling with my older daughter every Friday. My mum will gladly take my older daughter and asks her over all the time as She loves her to bits, and yes caste does play a part unfortunately.

I didn't want this to be about caste etc. I just wanted to see if i was being hormonal about the whole issue.
Also for the record w not white and partner is not black. Just saying x

On your 10yo staying over every week...
I’ll admit I just assumed that started out to give you a break after the divorce, as a single parent - another assumption that you had no support. But... they pushed you out after the divorce, that’s not support.
Do you actually want to not have your daughter one night every week? (I’d personally hate it)
Again, I’m making assumptions here - but different ones this time. I’m assuming that you no longer feel you have much of a choice at your daughter going, and actually it’s because your mother wants her, rather than you want a break.
Am I reaching here?!

I wish there was an edit function, because i works amend my first replies.

Sound like you didn't ask her you told her she would which is unfair on her you also should have asked her way before mow

It's because she thinks the lower cast child is A subordinate human and she is treating the child as such

It sounds like your mum is completely overwhelmed with childcare responsibilities. To have a screaming two year old for a few days on top of all the others she has in her care was probably too much for her to cope with.
She might even be worrying that you having a newborn would mean being expected to care for your two year old on a more frequent basis.
I think the nursery idea is brilliant. You could also look into a childminder who may be more flexible with times.

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this. Your mum sounds shit quite frankly so l would back off from her and certainly don’t indulge her with her visiting demands. Your poor daughter she doesn’t get to pick favourites.

Yes, it’s obvious that you’re not white and your boyfriend not black.

I gave that as an example, because it makes it starkly obvious that your mother would be considered disgustingly racist. For the same behaviour.

I don’t think you can say that you don’t want this to be about caste - because it’s blindingly obvious - and you’ve confirmed it - that it is.

I would pack up and move away, and I sure as well wouldn’t have my mother teaching my daughter to look down on her different (lower?) caste sister.

Do you think she's trying to assert a few boundaries before your new baby arrives? It does sound like she's very busy supporting various family members, perhaps she genuinely feels taken for granted or as if she simply can't take on any more.

Having read more and seeing the racial element definitely suggest pulling away and telling dm if she cannot treat her gran daughters the same you will ensure she does by going no contact. If any gifts are sent to ds1 and not ds2 I would send them back. Make it clear she has crossed the boundary of what your willing to tolerate.

@FortniteBoysMum

Having read more and seeing the racial element definitely suggest pulling away and telling dm if she cannot treat her gran daughters the same you will ensure she does by going no contact. If any gifts are sent to ds1 and not ds2 I would send them back. Make it clear she has crossed the boundary of what your willing to tolerate.

This sounds like a nuclear option to me, for a very busy, overwhelmed gran who can't cope with a 2yo on top of everything else.

@Cocomarine

Hmmm. I think the caste situation is one hell of a relevant dripfeed actually!

Traditionally, a child takes their father’s caste, right?

So is this really anything to do with your 2yo being clingy?

This isn’t as simple as your mother “not liking” your boyfriend.

Sounds like she doesn’t like your child because she’s a different (lower?) caste.

Re-write this as, “my white mother won’t babysit my mixed race child because her dad is black, but will regularly have my older white child” - and I think you’ll find a lot of people telling you then she shouldn’t have access to either of your children. Or you.

Stepping away from family is hard. But you did it before when your mother forced it, because of your divorce.

You have obviously thrown off the ridiculous caste system, but she hasn’t. I wouldn’t want her around my children.

A thread that started with your mother sounding very caring and involved, now looks more like control to me.

I would move house actually. Create some actual physical distance. How long before your DD1 starts to pick up on this and potentially adopt the same behaviours?

I'm sorry you are being treated like this by your family. Your first loyalty should be to the one you've created though. Lots of people manage without immediate family support though. You have plenty of time to accustom your daughters to a CRB checked responsible nanny/babysitter who can do overnight care if needed when the time comes.

Oh love, I totally understand. Your family aren’t going to change their views on caste though. It’s not just the c section, it’s all of it and she’s going to treat your children differently forever and it’ll be quite harmful. I think you’re going to need to “disrespect” your mother by drawing some boundaries around her behaviour to your family.

Your mum is discriminating against your DH and younger dd because of your H’s caste.

This means things are going to get very hard for your dd as she grows up, especially as you are so enmeshed.

Time to move away.

I think this thread is going to have a lot of irrelevant replies - like my first ones - thinking that you are asking too much of your mother.

It’s just pointless to ask your AIBU, unless people are aware of why she won’t. Which is blatantly because she’s a racist. (yes, I know caste isn’t legally a race, but the discrimination is as disgusting)