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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want his kids here today?

227 replies

onceabitch · 06/06/2021 08:27

Long story short, me and the OH are currently arguing as I'm due to take the kids on holiday next week whilst he goes on a lads holiday child free, the deal was I take his car whilst it's 7 seats and hire him a van why it's just him. I pay half to the car so didn't see this would be an issue as it was his suggestion to do this? yesterday he's now started saying he doesn't trust me and I'm the worlds worst and called me every name under the sun and that iv been cheating etc. So if I take the kids away I won't be allowed back in the house and he will take my things to my mums whilst I'm away (totally bloody fine, saves me a job of packing!)
I have 2 terminally ill children, a baby and I don't drink or smoke or even go out as my life is just the kids and appointments then if I get a day not doing appointments we go out an do something fun! I have like 2 friends who I chat to and they will come visit every now and again but that's it.
I genuinely think it's him with a guilty conscience as I caught him texting his DD mum out of context of DD so it was like "hi babe how're you" "you okay, did you get XYZ done today" I said this was wrong and it needed to stop and only be about DD ? I don't think this was wrong of me as we don't speak like that to each other let alone an ex ? If it wasn't for me he wouldn't see his DD as when we met I pushed for him to see her and have contact so please don't think I'm trying to stop him or anything

But he's been sneaky with his phone since I seen the messages and his Dd was ment to come through the week as iv had his older sons for the past few weeks I just wanted a day with the kids relaxing and playing but he's just said his DD is coming, AIBU to say no ? I don't want another child around us not getting along
Literally cannot take anymore and I'm sick of been made to feel like it's always me who's at fault, if it helps I'm mid 20s an he's 40s, we met when I was 17 and Iv never been with anybody else....

OP posts:
RealhousewifeofStoke · 06/06/2021 12:21

@PastMyBestBeforeDate

DLA with the high rate mobility allowance can be used to pay directly for a motability car. That sounds like the situation. OP doesn't drive so it's in his name but he uses it as his car and doesn't use it for the intended purpose - to transport the dc with the mobility issues.
The OPs opening post states that she wanted to take the car on holiday.
PastMyBestBeforeDate · 06/06/2021 12:22

Proud as I said I reread and I'm wrong about it being motability. He does take the money and use it to finance his car.

ProudPolyGradSingleMum · 06/06/2021 12:24

@onceabitch

Also I dont get much.... He works so his wages are deducted from my money on UC aswel as my caters allowance that gets taken to. then the Dla pays the bills and he takes the motability to pay for a car he got not through mobility? If this makes any sense and it costs me around £300 a month in travel for hospital appointments as he doesn't take us I use public transport
He takes the benefit to pay for a car he got not through motability. That’s what she says.
PastMyBestBeforeDate · 06/06/2021 12:24

Real yes and to do so she has to have someone else drive and hire a replacement car for him.

baubled · 06/06/2021 12:25

Is he still going on his lads holiday next week? Can you use that time to go to your mum and dads and move everything out/sort out bill payments etc? If he's not letting you go away (which is obviously abusive and not okay!) pretend like you're accepting you have to stay home and then the minute you're sure he's gone and can't return run, run, run and run some more

endofthelinefinally · 06/06/2021 12:27

@ProudPolyGradSingleMum

How is he committing benefit fraud? You are allowed to use notability to pay for another car?
You are, but you have to do it officially and be honest about who is using the vehicle. OP has explained that he uses it for himself, not the children for whom it is paid and she has to take the DC on public transport and pay for it herself.
ProudPolyGradSingleMum · 06/06/2021 12:28

You are, but you have to do it officially and be honest about who is using the vehicle. OP has explained that he uses it for himself, not the children for whom it is paid and she has to take the DC on public transport and pay for it herself.

I quoted her post where she said it’s not a motability car?

ProudPolyGradSingleMum · 06/06/2021 12:29

You do not have to tell anyone if you get DLA at higher rate mobility and use it to pay for a non motability car.

endofthelinefinally · 06/06/2021 12:30

I am not clear about whether it is mobility allowance or a motability car. Either way, the children are not getting the benefit of it and they should be.

ProudPolyGradSingleMum · 06/06/2021 12:31

onceabitch
Also I dont get much....
He works so his wages are deducted from my money on UC aswel as my caters allowance that gets taken to.
then the Dla pays the bills and he takes the motability to pay for a car he got not through mobility? If this makes any sense and it costs me around £300 a month in travel for hospital appointments as he doesn't take us I use public transport
He takes the benefit to pay for a car he got not through motability. That’s what she says.

ProudPolyGradSingleMum · 06/06/2021 12:32

She literally says

he takes the motability to pay for a car he got not through mobility

That may be morally repugnant but it is not benefit fraud.

squiglet111 · 06/06/2021 12:36

As the house isn't in your name, stop paying the mortgage and bills! Save up for a deposit and move out. Why pay for something that isn't yours. You need to get out of this situation

RealhousewifeofStoke · 06/06/2021 12:40

@PastMyBestBeforeDate

Real yes and to do so she has to have someone else drive and hire a replacement car for him.
Sorry I missed where the OP says she has to get someone else to drive?
RealhousewifeofStoke · 06/06/2021 12:41

@ProudPolyGradSingleMum

She literally says

he takes the motability to pay for a car he got not through mobility

That may be morally repugnant but it is not benefit fraud.

It’s allowed.

DHs ex wife claims mobility allowance for one of the children and used it to but a car for her boyfriend.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 06/06/2021 12:43

Real at 8.38 she posted The car isn't on mobility but in his name as I don't drive so was my dad driving it for us to go.

StaffRepFeistyClub · 06/06/2021 12:43

Move out. All the benefits will then go with your DC.

He has to pay for his own car and do his own cleaning.

Don’t put up with this abuse

GrimDamnFanjo · 06/06/2021 12:50

Please get some support in real life, starting with your parents.
Do you have any good friends?
Can you contact your kids school and speak to the pastoral team?

Atalantea · 06/06/2021 12:54

@PastMyBestBeforeDate

DLA with the high rate mobility allowance can be used to pay directly for a motability car. That sounds like the situation. OP doesn't drive so it's in his name but he uses it as his car and doesn't use it for the intended purpose - to transport the dc with the mobility issues.
deal was I take his car whilst it's 7 seats and hire him a van why it's just him

How she not able to drive? She says in the op she can

ProudPolyGradSingleMum · 06/06/2021 12:57

Once the mobility money is in the family pot, the benefits people won’t give a stuff what it’s used for. It’s not used to pay for a motability car, so there’s no fraud.

I get pip. It goes into my general pot of money. I don’t keep it to pay only for my car and I’m not committing benefit fraud by doing this.

The op has let the money go to a joint account or transfers it to his and he uses it to pay for a car that is in his name as he is the family driver. She then wants to take the car away on holiday and as it’s his car, he’s objecting. He’s a dick for sure, but that isn’t fraud in any way shape or form.

ProudPolyGradSingleMum · 06/06/2021 12:58

She says her dad is driving for them in a later post @Atalantea

Foofer · 06/06/2021 13:02

Get you and your kids somewhere away from him - don’t worry too much about suitability, it’ll just be temporary!
Once out of that house cancel direct debits, make sure he has no access to your wages or allowances and make sure to inform benefits you’re no longer with him and are a single parent.
Financially, emotionally and you’ll probably find physically (less stress if nothing else) you’ll be so much better off. So will the children.

You sound so strong, caring for your kids while coping with that monster - you can do this x

Foofer · 06/06/2021 13:04

I forgot to say - come on Mumsnet as much as you need to!

It’s overflowing with wise, supportive folk, some having been in your position at times. They’ll be here for you with so much support and advice.

Grenlei · 06/06/2021 13:12

I don't understand how the OP is able to pay all household bills including food, a mortgage (the mortgage must surely be at least £400-500 a month alone, possibly more than that) and run a car purely on benefits as her partner does not contribute any of his salary?

MintyMabel · 06/06/2021 13:54

and he takes the motability to pay for a car he got not through mobility?

You can’t use “motability money” to pay for a car privately. It is paid directly by the DWP.

babybabybabybabymother · 06/06/2021 13:54

[quote onceabitch]@TwoAndAnOnion I pay the mortgage by myself actually. [/quote]
get rid he's a fucking prick.
literally fuck him off what a cunt

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