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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want his kids here today?

227 replies

onceabitch · 06/06/2021 08:27

Long story short, me and the OH are currently arguing as I'm due to take the kids on holiday next week whilst he goes on a lads holiday child free, the deal was I take his car whilst it's 7 seats and hire him a van why it's just him. I pay half to the car so didn't see this would be an issue as it was his suggestion to do this? yesterday he's now started saying he doesn't trust me and I'm the worlds worst and called me every name under the sun and that iv been cheating etc. So if I take the kids away I won't be allowed back in the house and he will take my things to my mums whilst I'm away (totally bloody fine, saves me a job of packing!)
I have 2 terminally ill children, a baby and I don't drink or smoke or even go out as my life is just the kids and appointments then if I get a day not doing appointments we go out an do something fun! I have like 2 friends who I chat to and they will come visit every now and again but that's it.
I genuinely think it's him with a guilty conscience as I caught him texting his DD mum out of context of DD so it was like "hi babe how're you" "you okay, did you get XYZ done today" I said this was wrong and it needed to stop and only be about DD ? I don't think this was wrong of me as we don't speak like that to each other let alone an ex ? If it wasn't for me he wouldn't see his DD as when we met I pushed for him to see her and have contact so please don't think I'm trying to stop him or anything

But he's been sneaky with his phone since I seen the messages and his Dd was ment to come through the week as iv had his older sons for the past few weeks I just wanted a day with the kids relaxing and playing but he's just said his DD is coming, AIBU to say no ? I don't want another child around us not getting along
Literally cannot take anymore and I'm sick of been made to feel like it's always me who's at fault, if it helps I'm mid 20s an he's 40s, we met when I was 17 and Iv never been with anybody else....

OP posts:
Original poster
onceabitch · 06/06/2021 08:43

@KellyJonesLeatherTrousers she wasn't ment to be coming today she was ment to come Monday and Thursday as planned so I'm not sure why he's changed this

And I'd be 100001% better off alone as he literally doesn't support me, has no idea how much I have to fight for things for the kids and to get things done. It's so hard doing it alone with the side serving of his shit?
Everyone around me comments how strong I am and I do so well but they've no clue what happens behind the door when it's shut

OP posts:
HelloDulling · 06/06/2021 08:43

Whey are you looking to be rehoused if you own this house and can pay the mortgage? He needs to go.

Whitchurch · 06/06/2021 08:44

People here are really helpful - but you need to answer their questions. Is the house in your name? Are you married?

LagunaBubbles · 06/06/2021 08:44

You may pay the mortgage OP but you haven't said if the house is in your name, as that will make a big difference.

Newmumatlast · 06/06/2021 08:44

Also, stop paying the mortgage. If the house is in his name you aren't financially responsible for it. And if he gets in arrears thats his mess. Save your money you usually pay for that and look to leave. Present to council as homeless. You have children and should be priority and placed in temp accommodation initially.

Twoforthree · 06/06/2021 08:44

Are you married?

HelloDulling · 06/06/2021 08:45

Sorry, crossed posts. Stop paying a mortgage on a house you are not named on.

Whitchurch · 06/06/2021 08:45

OK - we crossed posts. You pay the mortgage and all the bills but the house is in his name. I think you aren't married? Make some calls tomorrow, get some legal advice.

Original poster
onceabitch · 06/06/2021 08:45

I said the mortgage is on his name as he wouldn't put me on but the bills all come out in my name so I don't have a leg to stand on. Also not married

Theirs a smaller age gap between me and my DSS. They won't come around when he's here usually and he finds this strange (accusing me) but it isn't it's because he's very nasty and not nice to be around
This is so outing :(

OP posts:
Takemetothebar · 06/06/2021 08:46

Hang on, if you pay for everything how will you be stuck if you leave?
I’m a bit confused. Not being an arse, just trying to get this straight.

You’re mid 20s, with a baby and two terminally ill children- which I cannot tell you how sorry I am to hear, that’s heartbreaking. You got together at 17, with him approaching 40. You have three kids under the age of 8, plus older step sons and a step daughter which you look after? Where is the step sons’ mother?

Who is supporting you here? Do you have social work support or anything? Someone needs to be helping you here as this sounds as though you have been vulnerable and are in an abusive relationship.

DeathStare · 06/06/2021 08:46

You can manage financially on your own - you already are. Please stop paying his mortgage - that's throwing your money down a drain. And make plans to move out.

TwoAndAnOnion · 06/06/2021 08:46

@Whitchurch

People here are really helpful - but you need to answer their questions. Is the house in your name? Are you married?
The OP has already clarified - its the partner's house but the OP uses her money to pay all the bills including the mortgage.

I'd be cancelling the direct debits and banking the money.

Possibly Refuge of Victim Support can find you somewhere, he is financially abusive and this comes under domestic violence legilation, coercion and control

Twoforthree · 06/06/2021 08:46

If you are not married then you have no claim to the house, so stop paying the mortgage and use that money for a rent deposit on another house.

Original poster
onceabitch · 06/06/2021 08:46

Iv put myself down as homeless on the council and iv messaged loads to ask for help but they never get back. I cannot ring as he would put a stop to it

OP posts:
Twoforthree · 06/06/2021 08:47

And as soon as you move out, get your name off his bills.

ProudPolyGradSingleMum · 06/06/2021 08:48

Go to women’s aid they will help. Do not leave the house until you have done that. You may have an equitable claim as you pay the mortgage.

Make sure you’re claiming all you should for your children as well.

Original poster
onceabitch · 06/06/2021 08:48

@Takemetothebar they moved in with me when I met him at 17. Their mum is really useless she's got 11 kids and 9 are in care of someone else or moved out now.

I'm stuck as I have nothing to leave with. As soon as I get paid it goes the same day he makes sure it's accounted for!

OP posts:
ProudPolyGradSingleMum · 06/06/2021 08:49

@Twoforthree

If you are not married then you have no claim to the house, so stop paying the mortgage and use that money for a rent deposit on another house.
This is incorrect. The op needs to see a solicitor as she may have an equitable claim.
Newmumatlast · 06/06/2021 08:49

@onceabitch

I said the mortgage is on his name as he wouldn't put me on but the bills all come out in my name so I don't have a leg to stand on. Also not married

Theirs a smaller age gap between me and my DSS. They won't come around when he's here usually and he finds this strange (accusing me) but it isn't it's because he's very nasty and not nice to be around
This is so outing :(

You say you don't have a leg to stand on but the mortgage payment can be cancelled if the mortgage is in his name. You don't need to pay it, he does.

Other bills - why are they in your sole name?

I would genuinely look to move somewhere temp, cancel all DDs for bills and call them to stay you don't live there providing his details, and present as homeless to the council.

Seek legal advice urgently to see if anything can be done about the house and having a beneficial interest if you've been paying the mortgage on it for a long period. Make sure you take copies at least of any important docs when you go.

maddening · 06/06/2021 08:50

Register an interest in the house as you have direct evidence of you paying the mortgage. He won't be able to sell without dealing with your interest.

Original poster
onceabitch · 06/06/2021 08:50

I also rang for a social worker for support and they've said their isn't anything they can help me with? The hospital said this was wrong of them to do

OP posts:
3Britnee · 06/06/2021 08:51

You say your parents wouldn't be good long term, but would it be ok for the short term?

Go to your parents then tell the council you are homeless and staying in an overcrowded property.

Save the money you would have spent on his mortgage and bills in case you need a deposit.

What a wanker.

Takemetothebar · 06/06/2021 08:51

How did this all come about OP? He didn’t see his daughter before you pushed him too; what made you do that? Did you enter into this relationship willingly, was the conception of your children consensual? Note, I am not asking if you wanted your children, more gently trying to understand how vulnerable you are.

romdowa · 06/06/2021 08:51

If you moved to your parents place, the over crowding and unsuitable facilities for your children would move you up the bands to a higher priority.

Original poster
onceabitch · 06/06/2021 08:52

@Newmumatlast if I cancel the DD he would be notified or told when it isn't paid and would go crazy

OP posts:
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