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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I don't want his kids here today?

227 replies

onceabitch · 06/06/2021 08:27

Long story short, me and the OH are currently arguing as I'm due to take the kids on holiday next week whilst he goes on a lads holiday child free, the deal was I take his car whilst it's 7 seats and hire him a van why it's just him. I pay half to the car so didn't see this would be an issue as it was his suggestion to do this? yesterday he's now started saying he doesn't trust me and I'm the worlds worst and called me every name under the sun and that iv been cheating etc. So if I take the kids away I won't be allowed back in the house and he will take my things to my mums whilst I'm away (totally bloody fine, saves me a job of packing!)
I have 2 terminally ill children, a baby and I don't drink or smoke or even go out as my life is just the kids and appointments then if I get a day not doing appointments we go out an do something fun! I have like 2 friends who I chat to and they will come visit every now and again but that's it.
I genuinely think it's him with a guilty conscience as I caught him texting his DD mum out of context of DD so it was like "hi babe how're you" "you okay, did you get XYZ done today" I said this was wrong and it needed to stop and only be about DD ? I don't think this was wrong of me as we don't speak like that to each other let alone an ex ? If it wasn't for me he wouldn't see his DD as when we met I pushed for him to see her and have contact so please don't think I'm trying to stop him or anything

But he's been sneaky with his phone since I seen the messages and his Dd was ment to come through the week as iv had his older sons for the past few weeks I just wanted a day with the kids relaxing and playing but he's just said his DD is coming, AIBU to say no ? I don't want another child around us not getting along
Literally cannot take anymore and I'm sick of been made to feel like it's always me who's at fault, if it helps I'm mid 20s an he's 40s, we met when I was 17 and Iv never been with anybody else....

OP posts:
cansu · 06/06/2021 09:35

Stop paying the mortgage. Get a private rental in your name and go with your kids.

lastcall · 06/06/2021 09:37

He's abusive, emotionally and financially.

You'd be better off leaving him. So would the children. Honestly.

Ask your parents to help you get out. Get legal advice. Call Women's Aid. Figure out what you're entitled to and go for it.

onceabitch · 06/06/2021 09:37

Nervous on a private rental as im on benefits and if they decided they wanted to sell I'd be stuck as I need to have full adaptions like downstairs wet rooms etc ?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 06/06/2021 09:37

you are frightened of him going crazy if you stop paying for his house. I think hes abusive and you can present to the council as needing to escape an abusive relationship, but at the moment you are classed as homeless at home - this would still be the case if you were at your mums, although extra points for overcrowded.

Can anyone help you with a deposit to privately rent?

Querencia · 06/06/2021 09:39

Tomorrow when you are on the school run, pop in to the school office and ask to speak to the designated safeguarding person in school. Tell them everything. They will help you

Mysleepingangel · 06/06/2021 09:40

Op, your situation sounds very similar to someone I know.

They were also a lower band on council housing but got their doctors to write a letter when they went to an appointment. You must do the same, see someone there and don't leave. Tell them the situation you're in. They won't write to your house if you're worried, they'll email you or send the letter directly to the council and your band will 100% move. From the situation you're describing, it is unhealthy for your dc who are ill.
Within few months the family I know were awarded a 3 bed house. You need to do the same.

I wish you all the best. And hope your situation gets better

Guavafish · 06/06/2021 09:41

I think you should speak to women’s aid and they will help you with refugee and housing.

This man is disgusting and your wasting your life on this narcissist.

BananasAreEvil · 06/06/2021 09:43

2 terminally ill children??

Noodle764 · 06/06/2021 09:47

I think she means chronically ill

Smelborp · 06/06/2021 09:49

You are being financially abused at the very least. It sounds like he recognised a young woman with a lack of life experience and has used that to his advantage.

Please listen to the others: register an interest in the property as you pay the mortgage.

What would happen if you said you’ll cancel the bills in your name and it’s up to him to restart the services in his?

You could speak with women’s aid and then leave, cancelling the bills as you leave.

You’ll have a lot of money without him.

MintyMabel · 06/06/2021 09:49

Nervous on a private rental as im on benefits and if they decided they wanted to sell I'd be stuck as I need to have full adaptions like downstairs wet rooms etc ?

Welcome to MN OP.

You’re unlikely to get adaptions no matter whether you are private or in housing association/council. People are on waiting lists for adapted homes for years. You won’t even get on that list without SS involvement.

endofthelinefinally · 06/06/2021 09:50

Is the DD for the mortgage in your name/your sole bank account? Or do you put money into his account? Or do you have a joint account? I am trying to figure out how you are paying the mortgage if your name isn't on it? It shouldn't be possible, but somehow it is happening.

The4teddybears · 06/06/2021 09:53

You need to contact the housing and ask for / find online a medical application form. Fill it in with great detail about children’s /yours health conditions .Get supporting evidence eg doctors report, hospital appointment letters . The council should then assess this and Hopefully should help move you to a higher banding and be housed quicker

Soontobe60 · 06/06/2021 09:53

[quote onceabitch]@TwoAndAnOnion I pay the mortgage by myself actually. [/quote]
But who does the house belong to, and are you married?

Crayfishforyou · 06/06/2021 09:53

OMG cancel all your direct debits. If the house is in his name the creditors will chase him and not you.
Go on your holiday and tell him it’s over.
You are worth so much more than this and he has programmed you into accepting your life.
Don’t accept this.

notapizzaeater · 06/06/2021 09:55

You need to leave, the council won't do anything whilst you are housed so you need to 'unhorse'.

The social worker - did you ring 'normal' SW or disabled SW ? They are two different teams. Are you claiming DLA for the children ?

stairgates · 06/06/2021 09:56

I manually pay the mortgage here each month from my account and Im not on the mortgage, just log into my bank and send the money to the account.

endofthelinefinally · 06/06/2021 09:59

You are entitled to a carer's assessment by SS. You should ask for this as soon as you have moved back to your parents.

onceabitch · 06/06/2021 09:59

@Noodle764 @BananasAreEvil yes their terminally ill with a very short life expectancy. they have a really rare condition

OP posts:
RealhousewifeofStoke · 06/06/2021 09:59

How many hours a week do each of you work?

Hallyup6 · 06/06/2021 10:00

@onceabitch

Nervous on a private rental as im on benefits and if they decided they wanted to sell I'd be stuck as I need to have full adaptions like downstairs wet rooms etc ?
Are you aware of disabled facilities grants? If your property need adaptations then the council may offer you a grant to pay for them, non-means tested for children, and they can be used for private let properties as long as your landlord agrees. There's a condition that the landlord has to let you stay in the property for a certain number of years. Maybe see if it's something they'll discuss prior to signing a tenancy agreement?
Ghostontoast1 · 06/06/2021 10:01

His house, in his name so his asset = he should pay the mortgage on it!

RealhousewifeofStoke · 06/06/2021 10:01

[quote onceabitch]**@Noodle764* @BananasAreEvil* yes their terminally ill with a very short life expectancy. they have a really rare condition [/quote]
But you don’t have a social worker? Who co ordinates their care needs?

endofthelinefinally · 06/06/2021 10:01

I am so, so sorry about your children's illness. You and they deserve to spend time together in peace, without this stress and abuse.
Flowers

onceabitch · 06/06/2021 10:02

@RealhousewifeofStoke me and me only ? The hospital contacted a disability social worker for me an they rang an said I don't need the help ? They've re raised this and il see what happens

OP posts:
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