I don't want his kids here today?

[onceabitch]

Long story short, me and the OH are currently arguing as I'm due to take the kids on holiday next week whilst he goes on a lads holiday child free, the deal was I take his car whilst it's 7 seats and hire him a van why it's just him. I pay half to the car so didn't see this would be an issue as it was his suggestion to do this? yesterday he's now started saying he doesn't trust me and I'm the worlds worst and called me every name under the sun and that iv been cheating etc. So if I take the kids away I won't be allowed back in the house and he will take my things to my mums whilst I'm away (totally bloody fine, saves me a job of packing!)
I have 2 terminally ill children, a baby and I don't drink or smoke or even go out as my life is just the kids and appointments then if I get a day not doing appointments we go out an do something fun! I have like 2 friends who I chat to and they will come visit every now and again but that's it.
I genuinely think it's him with a guilty conscience as I caught him texting his DD mum out of context of DD so it was like "hi babe how're you" "you okay, did you get XYZ done today" I said this was wrong and it needed to stop and only be about DD ? I don't think this was wrong of me as we don't speak like that to each other let alone an ex ? If it wasn't for me he wouldn't see his DD as when we met I pushed for him to see her and have contact so please don't think I'm trying to stop him or anything

But he's been sneaky with his phone since I seen the messages and his Dd was ment to come through the week as iv had his older sons for the past few weeks I just wanted a day with the kids relaxing and playing but he's just said his DD is coming, AIBU to say no ? I don't want another child around us not getting along
Literally cannot take anymore and I'm sick of been made to feel like it's always me who's at fault, if it helps I'm mid 20s an he's 40s, we met when I was 17 and Iv never been with anybody else....

As well as all the above great advise.

If he's not already cheating on you it very much sounds like he's picking a fight in time for his holiday so he can do whatever he likes as a so called single man!

I really feel for you OP please get out of this relationship ASAP. Good luck x

if I cancel the DD he would be notified or told when it isn't paid and would go crazy

What do you mean by that? If you think he would be violent and have evidence of past violence, get legal advice on getting an injunction. If it would be a matter of him shouting and stamping around tell him it's tough, you don't have to pay for a roof over his head, and go out for the day. It's quite tempting to suggest that you simply allow the building society to repossess as that would give you a right to be rehoused, but again you really need legal advice. Contact Women's Aid ASAP.

@Clymene

Go to your mum's and don't go back

I agree! Get out now - for your own safety & sanity. 💗

You need to move to your parents whilst he is on his holiday. It may not work long term but short term? And then chase every person you can to get help to be housed.

If you are paying all of his bills now you can pay bills on your own place.

Don't worry about stopping paying the mortgage etc... That is his responsibility not yours.

If not your parents do you have any siblings who can help you in the short term?

You need to leave whilst he's away and cancel all direct debits relating to his house when you do.

And second calling women's aid. You are being abused.

[quote onceabitch]@RealhousewifeofStoke me and me only ? The hospital contacted a disability social worker for me an they rang an said I don't need the help ? They've re raised this and il see what happens [/quote]
Don't phone, write to them and point out that your children and children in need under section 17 Children Act 1989 and they have a duty to carry out a full care assessment. If they still refuse, contact a solicitor specialising in community care about taking this further: you are likely to be able to get legal aid in the children's names and possibly also your own.

Sorry, that should have said point out that your children are children in need under the Children Act.

“”yes their terminally ill with a very short life expectancy. they have a really rare condition””
I am sorry to hear this. BUT this means you definitely must complete a homeless medical , and get this taken in to account . In my council , if you get a priority B band for medical and also a priority B band for homelessness, (or for being 2 bedrooms short ) them 2 B’s = an A . Check if you council is similar. A band is a fantastic position to be in and you’ll be housed quickly .

When you move in temporarily with your mum and dad use the mortgage and bill money that you save to seek legal advice regarding the fact you have paid the mortgage for x amount of years.

He will call you money grabbing etc however he is the only money grabber! Is he using the children’s disability money to pay the mortgage, food and bills?

If you are entitled to any money from the house make sure you take every single penny for your children. He elected not to see his daughter, he may elect not to see your children. So take every penny you can, whilst you can. Same with the car.

@onceabitch

I also rang for a social worker for support and they've said their isn't anything they can help me with? The hospital said this was wrong of them to do

Did you tell social services all the ways that he controls and abuses you? How does it impact on the children? They can't get involved for domestic abuse support only - there needs to be an obvious impact on the children (of course all DA impacts children but if harm isn't obvious then it's not their remit) Even if they can't help you, a DA service can. You need proper professional help to get out of this.

Stop paying his mortgage. Go back to your mums even if it makes you overcrowded. Talk to women’s aid, talk to the social workers again - use the phrase “coercive control”. That’s what he’s doing.

I know it looks like there’s a mountain of hassle to escape this man but don’t let him wear you down. This is your life, you deserve better.

If your children are terminally ill are you in touch with a carer support organisation? They can help with putting you in contact with the right services.

I would imagine his syphoning off any disability payments (and I hope you are getting disability payments) to use for himself/his bills would count as impacting the children.

But yes. You will be better off. You will be safer - if you are frightened of him you can contact your police IDVA - what he is doing is coercive control and financial abuse, both a crime, although you may not want to poke that hornets nest, I hope it is useful for you to know that legally he is not allowed to do what he is doing.

How long until he goes away - will you be safe this week if you keep your head down.

Speaking to the school safeguarding team is an excellent idea - if he asks where you were you can easily say school needed to speak about something, but be prepared that they could move things fast if you are willing, and services get involved. You CAN have a police presence to remove your belongings if needed too.

How are your bank accounts set up? Do you have your own? Does your money go into your own, or has he made you have a joint account which all the bills come out of? This is something that an adviser can help you with - setting up your own account and transferring any money coming in to switch to the new one - if you have any id lice a passport much of it can be done online.
You can also be removed from a joint account. Its not so simple, and that probably should be your last step, maybe after you leave. Although if you have support it may be easier as banks are more aware of financial abuse.

And also dont be surprised that he was lovely until the first child. This is absolute standard textbook abuse.

[quote onceabitch]@KellyJonesLeatherTrousers she wasn't ment to be coming today she was ment to come Monday and Thursday as planned so I'm not sure why he's changed this

And I'd be 100001% better off alone as he literally doesn't support me, has no idea how much I have to fight for things for the kids and to get things done. It's so hard doing it alone with the side serving of his shit?
Everyone around me comments how strong I am and I do so well but they've no clue what happens behind the door when it's shut [/quote]
Move out
Stop paying his mortgage
Immediately call the utilities and say you no longer live there.
Taje a final reading to give them.

It becomes his problem

You do not have to pay bills if you not there

It will be crowded at your parents but you apply from there for council care assessment aNd housing snd tell them about the coercion

@onceabitch

All my DC are his. You'd not think it unless he was putting on a show ? He got the mortgage and wouldn't put me on it but I pay the bill direct debit so regardless of I can't kick him out as it's legally his. He isn't a nice enough man to go stay somewhere else or rent somewhere until I can go (he has money) He won't take DD out as she's coming to see my DC. Just feel like running into a wall

Don't pay another thing, cancel the direct debit and can you put the money towards a rental for yourself and your kids instead?

Dwp will chznge payment to your sole account straight away just call them

[quote onceabitch]@RealhousewifeofStoke me and me only ? The hospital contacted a disability social worker for me an they rang an said I don't need the help ? They've re raised this and il see what happens [/quote]
How many years left on the mortgage? If he doesn’t work and you’re on benefits presumably that includes maximum housing benefit. Are you both claiming that? PIP and Mobility? ( I’m assuming the seven seater is a mobility car for the children? Is that registered in your name?)
I still find it unbelievable that with two terminally ill babies you don’t have social work involvement.

YANBU. Leave him OP what a looser!!

Your local MP can also help. They have staff who can help you dealing with the council for housing and with DWP to make sure you get the benefits you are entitled to. Your consultant can write a letter stating what you need in the home to keep the children safe so things like a ground floor property, wet room, storage for medication etc.

Good luck.

Go and stayat your parents and present yourself with your dc at the housing on Monday. You'll be a priority because of your situation.

How are you paying his mortgage? That needs to stop, you'll be much better off financially and emotionally away from the idiot.

If you are paying the mortgage and your name is on the mortgage then throw him out. He is possibly cheating, definitely an arsehole and not pulling his weight whilst being unreasonable. Put yourself first.

Our first was planned as he was lovely when we first got together

No, he wasn't but you weren't to know that at 17. There is only one reason a 30+ man goes after a teenager. By the time you realise it's not right, he's got you right where he always wanted.

Please put yourself and your children first OP. You are young and you are strong and your life can be so much more for you all. You CAN make the difference.

@ImInStealthMode

So if I take the kids away I won't be allowed back in the house and he will take my things to my mums whilst I'm away (totally bloody fine, saves me a job of packing!)

Here's your answer OP. Go to your Mums and even if you're on the floor it's a roof over your heads and a better case for being homeless & getting allocated a place than living in a house you're paying for. You'll have the freedom to make calls to sort yourself out too.

As soon as the door is closed behind you, cancel all direct debits that pay his bills.

You really must get yourself and your babies away from this abusive twat ASAP, no excuses xx

This.. It may well be a blessing in disguise.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this OP. It must feel so hopeless and overwhelming.

I think the key is to break it all down into manageable chunks. So, first you need a bank account that he can't access. You can set up a Starling account on your phone if you have photo ID. Get the benefits you receive paid into the new account. Then call the utilities companies and tell them that you are moving out and he will be responsible for the bills. Tell the housing department that he has told you that you are about to be homeless.

You can do this.

@Noodle764

I think she means chronically ill

Why would you think that? How rude of you to assume the OP does not know the difference when it is her own children she is talking about.

Good luck OP, you can do this. You sound like an amazing Mum and you will be better off without him.