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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't want his kids here today?

227 replies

onceabitch · 06/06/2021 08:27

Long story short, me and the OH are currently arguing as I'm due to take the kids on holiday next week whilst he goes on a lads holiday child free, the deal was I take his car whilst it's 7 seats and hire him a van why it's just him. I pay half to the car so didn't see this would be an issue as it was his suggestion to do this? yesterday he's now started saying he doesn't trust me and I'm the worlds worst and called me every name under the sun and that iv been cheating etc. So if I take the kids away I won't be allowed back in the house and he will take my things to my mums whilst I'm away (totally bloody fine, saves me a job of packing!)
I have 2 terminally ill children, a baby and I don't drink or smoke or even go out as my life is just the kids and appointments then if I get a day not doing appointments we go out an do something fun! I have like 2 friends who I chat to and they will come visit every now and again but that's it.
I genuinely think it's him with a guilty conscience as I caught him texting his DD mum out of context of DD so it was like "hi babe how're you" "you okay, did you get XYZ done today" I said this was wrong and it needed to stop and only be about DD ? I don't think this was wrong of me as we don't speak like that to each other let alone an ex ? If it wasn't for me he wouldn't see his DD as when we met I pushed for him to see her and have contact so please don't think I'm trying to stop him or anything

But he's been sneaky with his phone since I seen the messages and his Dd was ment to come through the week as iv had his older sons for the past few weeks I just wanted a day with the kids relaxing and playing but he's just said his DD is coming, AIBU to say no ? I don't want another child around us not getting along
Literally cannot take anymore and I'm sick of been made to feel like it's always me who's at fault, if it helps I'm mid 20s an he's 40s, we met when I was 17 and Iv never been with anybody else....

OP posts:

FortniteBoysMum · 06/06/2021 10:46

Firstly stop paying his bills. As you say his the one on the mortgage etc not you. Save that money and any bill in his name don't pay it. Use that money for a hotel room if needs be and he kicks you out which ups your priority for housing. If he don't kick you out save that money for a deposit and run for the hills. If you stop paying it either he has too or the house will be repossessed. Either way it helps you out because your saving a deposit and if they resposses the property you have evidence for housing your being made homeless. It's a Mark on his credit score not yours. Contact cms as soon as you leave. So sorry your having it so tough especially with what you have to face regarding the children. I would contact a solicitor as you can get a 30 minute consultation free. See if they can advice. If you have proof you have been paying everything you may have a claim to the property.

KarmaStar · 06/06/2021 11:02

for you op,this is the most horrible situation you are in.he is abusing you and you must get out of this relationship before he destroys you..whilst he is away pack his stuff and get legal advice.Please don't stay with him.I know it's easy to advise and a lot harder to actually begin the process but you are strong enough to do it and come through the other side and be thankful you did it.
He is using you in the most dreadful way .move onwards and upwards.ask for help and you will receive it,you're never alone.🌈

Littlelegs2 · 06/06/2021 11:03

How are you affording to pay his mortgage when your in benefits? You must be left without a penny which is part of the abuse . You would be much better of money wise as you could claim housing benefit and have money for you and the children to live on.

You said all your paper work is at your mums but still make sure you get copy's of the mortgage papers. So they can cross check it with the money that's been coming out of your account.

If you can't stay with your mum apply for homeless.explain (everything) about the abuse and controlling. Make sure they know about your ill children and that they are terminal. They will have to help you and find you suitable accommodation. Oh you may need to get your mum to write you a letter to say you can't stay at her place as council often try and get out if it by saying you have a place to stay. I hope you get sorted.

StopPokingTheRoyalTitDear · 06/06/2021 11:06

Having your stepchild there is the least of your problems. He’s being abusive- at the very least there’s an imbalance of power given the age gap and you being a full time carer to 2 of your children and therefore having limited options. You need to get out of there ASAP with your children, it’s no good for any of you. Is staying with your mum for a while an option?

Atalantea · 06/06/2021 11:28

Stop paying his mortgage

NettleTea · 06/06/2021 11:35

I bet the bastard has the mortgage coming out of a joint account. although a statement would probably show that he isnt putting any money into it. That way the mortgage payment is coming from an account in his name. He knows exactly what he is doing. And you are paying for a house for him.
The amounts with two terminally ill children may be pretty high, hence OPs ability to pay, however that money is for their care and all the appointments you need to take, to pay for the adaptations that you need (there are also grants available, again this is stuff your social worker should be helping with) so if you can get housing from the council they will very likely agree to adaptations, you just need to run it past them first.

Original poster

onceabitch · 06/06/2021 11:36

I am left with - in my bank each month once iv paid everything. Just about manage to get food as I get vouchers to help otherwise I'd be broke completely
He's just picked her up an came back, I was upstairs getting ready and he's come up and said to me "this isn't some doss house like your mums we're 20 lads can come and shag you at once, you need to go clean it properly" I cannot explain to you how immaculate the house is as I have OCD ?? Unreal he gets worse when she's here like he's showing off so she goes an tells her mum then they sit slagging me off. She's 13 mind! He plays games all the time it isn't on. Whilst he was out he constantly rang me to ask if we could stop arguing snd be okay? It's one huge game to him an he thrives when he sees me at my worst

OP posts:

Original poster

onceabitch · 06/06/2021 11:41

Also I dont get much....
He works so his wages are deducted from my money on UC aswel as my caters allowance that gets taken to.
then the Dla pays the bills and he takes the motability to pay for a car he got not through mobility? If this makes any sense and it costs me around £300 a month in travel for hospital appointments as he doesn't take us I use public transport

OP posts:

SunshineCake · 06/06/2021 11:49

Okay. So he's a shit, you have nothing, he does this and that. What are you going to do about it as he won't change so you have to.

Dwrcegin · 06/06/2021 11:49

@onceabitch

Also I dont get much.... He works so his wages are deducted from my money on UC aswel as my caters allowance that gets taken to. then the Dla pays the bills and he takes the motability to pay for a car he got not through mobility? If this makes any sense and it costs me around £300 a month in travel for hospital appointments as he doesn't take us I use public transport

OMG!

The DLA, carers and car are for you and your children OP. You need to get help asap.

endofthelinefinally · 06/06/2021 11:54

He is committing benefit fraud.

Atalantea · 06/06/2021 11:54

@onceabitch

Also I dont get much.... He works so his wages are deducted from my money on UC aswel as my caters allowance that gets taken to. then the Dla pays the bills and he takes the motability to pay for a car he got not through mobility? If this makes any sense and it costs me around £300 a month in travel for hospital appointments as he doesn't take us I use public transport

I pay half to the car so didn't see this would be an issue

Why are you putting up with this? Seriously, take the fucking money and stop giving it to him

riromay · 06/06/2021 11:59

I seriously want to hug you. You and your kids deserve SO much more

ProudPolyGradSingleMum · 06/06/2021 12:00

How is he committing benefit fraud? You are allowed to use notability to pay for another car?

RealhousewifeofStoke · 06/06/2021 12:09

So you’re saying the mobility car is not for your two terminally ill children?
How much housing benefit do you get?

Lipz · 06/06/2021 12:09

Oh gosh you are in an awful situation. But, it can be made better.

I won't repeat what others have said, but there's alot of good advice.

I think you know how you are being treated is wrong? Sometimes we can't see things clearly when we're in the middle of it.

You must be feeling very overwhelmed. My advice is to get a pen and paper and read through the replies again, noting down important information. It can happen when feeling overwhelmed that words don't sink in properly.

There are many helpful people here who will be delighted to take you step by step on how to do things. It's your 1st time in this situation and it sounds like you're putting up with alot. It can seem alot to sort all at once but once you start the ball rolling it will all fall into place. People are here if you get stuck on what the next step is.

ProudPolyGradSingleMum · 06/06/2021 12:11

I don’t think it’s an actual notability car. I think it sounds like the notability element of the children’s DLA is used to fund a family car not through memorability?

Livingtothefull · 06/06/2021 12:15

@endofthelinefinally

He is committing benefit fraud.

100%. Stealing benefits intended for his sick children, it is so disgusting.

You must be a really strong person to deal with everything that is on your shoulders for so long; I understand it may seem overwhelming but please use that strength to get away from him. I hope you get the RL help that you need and deserve.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 06/06/2021 12:15

DLA with the high rate mobility allowance can be used to pay directly for a motability car. That sounds like the situation. OP doesn't drive so it's in his name but he uses it as his car and doesn't use it for the intended purpose - to transport the dc with the mobility issues.

ProudPolyGradSingleMum · 06/06/2021 12:16

He is morally abhorrent but it isn’t fraud to use benefits for living costs. Not as long as the op pays them
Into a joint account and they go into the pot.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 06/06/2021 12:16

Oh no, sorry I've reread and I'm wrong.

inappropriateraspberry · 06/06/2021 12:18

You'll be better off mentally and financially without him. Please leave today.

ProudPolyGradSingleMum · 06/06/2021 12:19

I am not sure it’s an actual mobility car as such? @onceabitch can you confirm if it’s an actual mobility car or if it’s a car paid for by mobility benefits (which is a different thing)?

ProudPolyGradSingleMum · 06/06/2021 12:20

The intended purpose of a mobility car that is leased from notability is not solely to transport the disabled person.

ProudPolyGradSingleMum · 06/06/2021 12:20

Motability

Bloody iPhone.

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