I don't want his kids here today?

[onceabitch]

Long story short, me and the OH are currently arguing as I'm due to take the kids on holiday next week whilst he goes on a lads holiday child free, the deal was I take his car whilst it's 7 seats and hire him a van why it's just him. I pay half to the car so didn't see this would be an issue as it was his suggestion to do this? yesterday he's now started saying he doesn't trust me and I'm the worlds worst and called me every name under the sun and that iv been cheating etc. So if I take the kids away I won't be allowed back in the house and he will take my things to my mums whilst I'm away (totally bloody fine, saves me a job of packing!)
I have 2 terminally ill children, a baby and I don't drink or smoke or even go out as my life is just the kids and appointments then if I get a day not doing appointments we go out an do something fun! I have like 2 friends who I chat to and they will come visit every now and again but that's it.
I genuinely think it's him with a guilty conscience as I caught him texting his DD mum out of context of DD so it was like "hi babe how're you" "you okay, did you get XYZ done today" I said this was wrong and it needed to stop and only be about DD ? I don't think this was wrong of me as we don't speak like that to each other let alone an ex ? If it wasn't for me he wouldn't see his DD as when we met I pushed for him to see her and have contact so please don't think I'm trying to stop him or anything

But he's been sneaky with his phone since I seen the messages and his Dd was ment to come through the week as iv had his older sons for the past few weeks I just wanted a day with the kids relaxing and playing but he's just said his DD is coming, AIBU to say no ? I don't want another child around us not getting along
Literally cannot take anymore and I'm sick of been made to feel like it's always me who's at fault, if it helps I'm mid 20s an he's 40s, we met when I was 17 and Iv never been with anybody else....

Why can you not walk out and leave for the or a day alone?
Threats and manipulation aside do it and see what happens
Take control not be controlled
I think unless you thrive on the drama I would be sooner suffering no room at your parents on a temporary basis than that sort of daily drama.
His dd needs to see it for what it is has she not been through a spilt.
I disagree he messages his ex and it is not ok it is good they do and can as long as it is done openly and honestly with you otherwise he's playing you with head games again

[quote onceabitch]@Newmumatlast if I cancel the DD he would be notified or told when it isn't paid and would go crazy [/quote]
I agree you should stop paying. Immediately. Save this money and use it for the kids and yourself.

If he does kick off call the police. At the minute you are pumping thousands into a property you don't own!
Also agree with Twoforthree's advice.

@ProudPolyGradSingleMum

It isn’t true in all cases that you’ve no right to the house if you’re not married. The op pays the mortgage and may have a beneficial interest (equitable interest). I really wish people wouldn’t post this as it’s not true.

She needs to see women’s aid and a solicitor.

Absolutely. Do seek legal advice on this.

So if I take the kids away I won't be allowed back in the house and he will take my things to my mums whilst I'm away (totally bloody fine, saves me a job of packing!)

He has made this threat, but won’t take anything of yours to your parents. It’s designed to stop you moving out, not something he’ll actually do. Don’t do this unless you and/or your children are physically under threat from him and there is no other option. When you do leave, assuming you have time, make sure you take everything that’s important so you don’t need to go back.

He doesn’t believe you’ll leave because he has no respect for you. That gives you time to plan your escape. I moved out into a privately rented flat one when my husband was away on a work trip. Obviously yours goes away sometimes too. Begin your preparations. Find help from Women’s Aid. I’m outside the UK, but was able to see a solicitor through my local shelter, perhaps you might be able to access something similar.

Good luck. Regardless of how bad the picture appears, and the feeling you have that you will have no support without him, I think you’ll find that what he actually is is a deadweight, dragging you down. It took me a long time to plan, but once I took the first real step (which was contacting my local shelter) the ball started rolling.

Good luck.

You've had lots of good advice on here @onceabitch. I just wanted to add something; time to get angry. Not aggressive angry, but the anger that will propel you to make the changes that you need to make.

Here are a few reasons to find that anger:

1. He has arranged for his DD to come over today probably to give his ex a break. You can pick up the slack.

1. He is happy to deny his own dc a holiday while he goes off on a trip with the lads.

1. He accuses you of cheating when he knows full well that you are not. He does this because he has a guilty conscience.

1. He treats you like the dirt on the bottom of his shoe.

Use the anger to motivate you go get things done. Take photos of bills, mortgage info etc. Collect up any paper copies you have. Collect up any passports, birth certificates you have relating to you and the kids. Don't worry about sorting through it all for now. Put it all in a box or carrier bag and pass it to your mum.

Then pack up any sentimental or valuable items belonging to you or your dc and pass them to your mum as well.

You might as well start this today. He won't change. He is a nasty piece of work.

@Clymene

Go to your mum's and don't go back

So if you pay for everything and he keeps his money, you wont be any worse off if you split. You'll probably be better off with single person supplements.

Listen to these two posters - they have succinctly told you what to do.

I know it's not easy, especially when you are exhausted and have no energy or confidence, but do it - for yourself and your children.

I'd go away and not come back. Sounds awful.

And @CagneyNPD has given good, practical advice on how to go about it.

I'm sorry to hear about your children being so ill. I can't imagine how stressful and sad that must be.
I think you need to try and leave.

Maybe you could move out while he is on his holiday. Perhaps you could return from your trip with your parents early.

Good luck

@cupoftea2021

Why can you not walk out and leave for the or a day alone? Threats and manipulation aside do it and see what happens Take control not be controlled I think unless you thrive on the drama I would be sooner suffering no room at your parents on a temporary basis than that sort of daily drama. His dd needs to see it for what it is has she not been through a spilt. I disagree he messages his ex and it is not ok it is good they do and can as long as it is done openly and honestly with you otherwise he's playing you with head games again

I imagine OP doesn't want to leave vulnerable children with an uncaring man.

[quote onceabitch]@TwoAndAnOnion I pay the mortgage by myself actually. [/quote]
But it is not your house unfortunately.

The mortgage is in his name but you pay it, are you mad?

You need to leave ASAP, make yourself homeless and you’ll soon rise to the top of the list.

Will your mum have you for now?

You have enough to deal with, without him shouting a you about shit. Please put yourself first and make sure your future is financially secure.

Speak to a solicitor, you should have some rights over the house as you are paying the mortgage.

[quote onceabitch]@Newmumatlast if I cancel the DD he would be notified or told when it isn't paid and would go crazy [/quote]
i think op you need to phone womens aid for some advice , if not then stay at your mums even if its only temporory , you are paying his mortgage so you have got money to manage if you were on your own plus as a single parent the addtional benefits you could apply for , he sounds abusive and womens aid will be able to give you options , the council cannot help you until you and the kids are actually homeless , womens aid might be able to offer you a refuge and a few years ago at least they work with the counil to get women in their refuges housed , i got offered a council flat as i was fleeing dv and that was through womens aid .

And under the guise of packing for your trip collect up and keep safely any of your favorite or treasured possession you would want to move with you. Also to collect up important paperwork. Photograph it on your phone and email it somewhere if he is likely to check your phone.

I keep all my paper work at my mums so that's fine jus a case of packing up our things !

He's using and abusing you. Leave, doesn't sound like you'd be worse off at all :S

You must inform all the energy companies that you are moving, ensure they or you take a meter reading and change the account holder details to his name.
Ditto with the council tax, water rates etc.
Without seeing the mortgage paperwork I am not 100% certain. however, I recently changed my mortgage direct debit from one bank account to another and it was simply a process of asking the mortgage company to send me a direct debit form and I changed the details over. They will have your partner's name on the mortgage so it shouldn't be a problem. you need his correct name and bank account sort code and account number.

The mortgage is in his name but you pay it, are you mad?

No, she’s not mad @scubadive. She’s a vulnerable young mum who got with her first and only partner while she was still a teenager and he was double her age. 😕

@onceabitch You’re stronger than you think. You’re rearing 3 children on your own, dealing with hospitals etc, all while paying to keep a room over your family’s heads. Walk away from this awful man - he adds nothing to your life.

You’re not financially stuck if you cancel the dds and go to your mums, he’s the one suddenly financially stuck which serves him right. Hope he loses the house. I think doing this sounds worth it, although I know it would be hard.

Take your DC birth certificates. Is his name on them?

Thank you all so much for the advice, means a lot. I am doing to get ringing a few people tomorrow whilst I'm in the school run, I can't take no more

You can’t set up a direct debit on someone else’s bank account!

Unmarried
Not on mortgage but pays it and all the bills
Bullies you
Doesn't do child care

Please just say you want out and the incredible people on here will make it happen. Use the time he's off on his jolly to get it all done and stop the direct debit for the mortgage.