Child in elite sport... Aibu to let her miss training for bday party

[Homeontherangeuk]

My child is an elite athlete & we're on holiday this week... She's just been invited to an outdoor bday party... Usually I'd say you have training but given the past year I'm inclined to say fuck it & let her go... But we're also away this weekend so she's missing two trainings but making all her weeklys...

Talk to her. Find out what she wants to do, and try and help her balance that with her goals. There is no wrong answer here, it's really down to your DD. I think the only "wrong" thing to do would be to make the decision for her.

@Snowallspring

It's interesting that you're willing to miss her training for something you want to do (the trip to Scotland) but not for something she wants to do.

I did think this too to be honest. Not trying to be unkind OP and I totally understand that there are adults who love sport and are 100% glad they did it young but you do need to accept that it's a huge compromise for DD giving up other aspects of her life. These compromises need to be minimised as much as possible. If you're not prepared for those compromises to come out of family time it's definitely not fair to expect them to come out of her social time with friends.

Elite athlete at 8 😂😂. I’ve seen too many kids who’s parents boast their offspring’s prowess burn out before 10, and the devastation when they realise they aren’t going to make it no matter how many parties they miss is sad. There are some sports where you have to start young in order to physically develop the right way - gymnastics being the obvious one, but it is brutal. But the sports that Britain really make an effort to seek Olympic success in - eg cycling and rowing, many of the athletes don’t even start in the sport until they are older. Both Helen Glover (Olympic gold rower) and Lizzie Yarnold (Olympic gold skeleton) did not even start training in their eventual Olympic sports until the age of 22, when they were identified as having a selection of attributes that makes a good all round sports person suitable for training into an elite sports person.

My daughter is 13. She is current grassroots British champion in a sport she took up 3 years ago, and hoping to get on the British junior team as soon as she is old enough. She’s also on the county squad for another sport you take part in as an individual, and could probably go for county selection in a team sport she plays too. She also runs, swims, pistol shoots, and show jumps as part of her Pony Club involvement but these are not her main sports. I don’t consider her an elite athlete, but a competent all rounder who’s attitude, strengths and skill will allow her to follow her ambition into many sports should she decide to focus on just one. It’s just as important to develop a balanced approach to life (and sport) unless you are focussing on one of the sports adults insist children train to the point of physical and mental exhaustion in. Just ask Naomi Osaka how well that’s going for her (or maybe don’t, because the pressure of being asked will cause her to drop out of a tournament! I have great sympathy for her, btw.)

My DS was asked to join a training programme, age 4, which required 2 x 2hr afternoon sessions and a weekend session. He hadnt even started school.i declined as it would mean taking my older DD there as well, and both would eat late, go to bed late and (in DDs case) miss the chance of other activities and playing afterschool with friends those days.
It felt like a sacrifice for all 3 of us and I didnt think it was worth it.
DS still loves the sport, plays 3 or 4 times a week and is very good at it...but not county or elite level...however I'm not sure he would have been any better if id started him intense training at 4.

But then I think if all parents thought like me, no one would ever represent their country at any sport!

@Homeontherangeuk Your DD won’t remember many of the training sessions as she grows up as they’re just part n parcel of her days.

She will remember the time her DM let her miss it especially to go to a party.

For me it would depend on how good the party was going to be. One of her eat friends with great activities, then I'd let her go. A not very close friend and they're going to end up watching a film then I'd choose training.

If she doesn't know about the party and hasn't been looking forward to it I wouldn't be that bothered.

@sparepantsandtoothbrush did the final one get on team GB ? If not then quod erat demonstrandum

I also agree with Ineedaholiday's post. This is a child whatever else is going on in their lives, she's a child.

I think there may well be good parents out there who really go all out because it's what their child wanted... but I also think there are a fair percentage who go all out pushing their child because they themselves need the applause for their child's win.

OP, do what you think your child wants; ask them and listen to the reply. Rinse and repeat.

An elite athlete at 8 is hardly going to fuck up her chances of Olympic success by going to one birthday party.

Different situation. Two of my kids play music to a fairly high level eat a very young age (roughly same age as the OP’s DD). Made their debut with an orchestra etc. This requires hours of practice and a lot of sacrifices. If I gave my son the choice he would choose music every single time. But he would also ask if we could have X over for a play date.

This is how we achieve the balance: I make sure both of them do non musical stuff- play sport, have play dates. But some time is booked out for music and short of unavoidable reasons they always practice. They do so of their own accord (I am not musically inclined so I can’t help). But in this case

• I would ask the child
• if the child consistently chose non sport stuff over sport then I would have a serious chat with the child about what they want to do.

With my kids they want to be musicians, they are happiest hanging out with their musician mates in the orchestra and it’s their happy place. Sometimes practice is hard and they are tired and so on, but it’s what they want to do on most days.

She should go to the party. Here's why:

If missing that one extra session of the party is enough to crush her Olympic dreams then she probably isn't going to make it.

If missing that one extra session won't make or break her gym career then there is no harm in missing it.

I would suggest consideration is given to whose dream it is for her to become an Olympian. Is not hers, yours, or her coaches (bearing in mind children that age are very eager to please their adults).

*is it hers

Let her be a child for a day and have fun.
She should not have to look back on her childhood and not remember anything but training.
I appreciate that she wants to train but as the parent you also have to ensure she has fun.😀

@MacCoffee totally what I was just about to say. Life is short. Covid has been gruesome. Spending time with friends and celebrating is really important too. Is she not going to make the squad (or whatever) because she missed two measly training sessions? I doubt it.

@Homeontherangeuk

😂 She's 8 not too far off! I know usually we would say we're paying through the nose for training, part of parcel of being chosen etc... But she's worked incredibly hard over zoom etc I think she deserves to go to the party considering she's missed out so much socially... But this is elite sport & missing out is part & parcel of being chosen as a future GB olympian...we're missing training this week as we're away in Scotland so I feel if she missed next Sat also it would be seriously frowned upon....

Given that she is potentially a future Olympian I would say not to miss training.

I agree with those saying that she’s only a child, she should go to the party but..... I also agree with you that this would be frowned upon. You are “paying through the nose” for her training, therefore it must be at top facilities and with top coaches? One of the things that they look for in athletes is commitment both from the athlete (even at such a young age) and the parents.

Missing training because you are on holiday with your parents is one thing, but missing training to go to a party is another. The fact that she is training for a big competition reiterates further that she is expected to put that first before a party!

I think it boils down to what is most important to your daughter and secondly you as her parent.

I wonder who has told the OP her DD is a future Olympian, the person they are paying huge amounts of money to

Unless this is some esoteric sport that only 15 people in the world participate in, your daughter statistically has almost no chance of making it to the olympics- and, sadly, olympics or no olympics, since she's female, she's never going to make a career as a professional athlete. She has a better chance of winning the lottery than she does of becoming one of the tiny handful of athletes who can support themselves on prize money, professional team salaries, and sponsorships.That's true for men as well but a hundred times more true for women. If you don't realise this, you're delusional.

Sure, sport is great and she can have a grand life as a coach or trainer or physio, or in some athletic-adjacent marketing job, and compete in her spare time for fun, but she doesn't need to miss out on a normal childhood to do that. Missing a birthday party (if she wants to go) to support a pipe dream is unhinged behaviour.

It is very easy to get "sucked in" to the idea that your DC has potential (I say this as a swim mum, so that can involve hours and hours a week, especially with competitions). Lockdown has been a "reset" for our priorities. I want DD to enjoy her sport, and carry on in some way into adulthood and not burn out/drop out age 15/16.

What does your DD want to do?

I know my own DD would probably choose to skip a party if she'd already been away for a week. It would really depend on the friend (and close friends usually check dates before organising things).

OMG she's 8. Let her do the party!

@BentBastard

She should go to the party. Here's why:

If missing that one extra session of the party is enough to crush her Olympic dreams then she probably isn't going to make it.

If missing that one extra session won't make or break her gym career then there is no harm in missing it.

I would suggest consideration is given to whose dream it is for her to become an Olympian. Is not hers, yours, or her coaches (bearing in mind children that age are very eager to please their adults).

This ^

Very well put.

I wonder who has told the OP her DD is a future Olympian, the person they are paying huge amounts of money to

I wonder too

A famous ballerina once said to her students:
"Miss a day and you'll notice
Miss two days and I'll notice
Miss three days and everyone will notice"

I find this so crazy. An 8 year old should not been considered an "elite athlete". They are not old enough to make balanced choices about what is best for themselves long term so tend to be guided at least partly by wanting to please adults and teachers. In my opinion if you are even questioning this, the training is being taken way too seriously for her age.

Yes, I know that puts us behind countries like china or Russia who will identify potential athletes at a really young age and put them in incredibly intense training facilities. But actually
... I would rather we were not winning medals than we were doing that to our kids.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland "Elite" is the top division in some sports, not a description. It defines the level at which you compete and you have to be capable of performing to certain standards to progress through the divisions.

There is also the question of, if the child has committed to do something (attend the training sessions) should she not attend them whenever possible? There will always be a party or some other excuse to skip a session. It's a good lesson in honouring committments.

She’s 8, let her go to the party if she wants to. It’s one day and at 8 she is years from being an Olympian. This one day is a drop in the ocean. Obviously, if it was a few days every week/a week every month, then I think you might have to reconsider whether elite sport is for her/you as a family (and there is no harm in admitting that she wants to be good/compete to high standard without it being at top end elite). But one day? No issue.

I say this from a place of personal experience. Coaches might not be delighted, but really one day is not going to prevent her from excelling.