Child in elite sport... Aibu to let her miss training for bday party

[Homeontherangeuk]

My child is an elite athlete & we're on holiday this week... She's just been invited to an outdoor bday party... Usually I'd say you have training but given the past year I'm inclined to say fuck it & let her go... But we're also away this weekend so she's missing two trainings but making all her weeklys...

Read Barracuda by Christos Tsiolkas if you haven't already.

It's a cautionary tale of the elite sport industry, and puts your current quandary in perspective.

Gymnastics is a funny sport.

My daughter did one hour a week recreational gymnastics for about six years. Having a projected adult height of six foot and no core strength to speak of she didn't exactly shine!

Yet it turned out to be great for her. The effort of controlling her body enough to keep up with the class prepared her well for other sports. She represented her primary school in four different sports, was on a team that made it to county finals (in netball) and at 16 still talks nostalgically about those days.

She probably got more benefit out of the sport than many elite competitors!

@Homeontherangeuk

😂 She's 8 not too far off! I know usually we would say we're paying through the nose for training, part of parcel of being chosen etc... But she's worked incredibly hard over zoom etc I think she deserves to go to the party considering she's missed out so much socially... But this is elite sport & missing out is part & parcel of being chosen as a future GB olympian...we're missing training this week as we're away in Scotland so I feel if she missed next Sat also it would be seriously frowned upon....

Future GB olympian?

Is this you talking/living through her, or is this her wish?

She's 8 years old. Let her do what she wants to do. Don't force her into something because you want to live or achieve through her. I cannot believe you are even talking about being a "future GB Olympian", like you've decided what she will do whether she likes it or not, and has her whole life mapped out.

Let her be a kid. If she wants to be an olympian, she can decide that in her teen years. Let her be a vet or doctor or teacher or admin assistant if she wants. Let her life belong to her.

She's only 8, it's not elite sport at that age just a training programme. Let her be a kid and seriously consider if you are doing the right thing. My cousin is permanently in pain and injured (for life) due to coaches over training her at that age

Oh god, your child is only 8! Being picked for the Olympics is very very long way off. Please stop this now. Frowned upon ? Really? Children should not be considered for any intensive training until they are fully grown . My son represented his country at the age of 16 - I supported him in what he wanted to do but intensive training even at 16 is very damaging emotionally and physically
.

@SilverGlitterBaubles oh completely agree again.. there’s are girls who are 9 in my DD’s dance school with 4k followers on Instagram and modelling/ambassadors for different dance wear companies. My dd is badly affected by dyslexia and it gives her a real self esteem boost to be good at something, but my goodness I’ll never be a typical dance mum.. in fact I’d love dd to give it up, but she loves it and she’s only 12 and I know it won’t be forever.

there’s are girls who are 9 in my DD’s dance school with 4k followers on Instagram and modelling/ambassadors for different dance wear companies

I’m in a fb for similar and I do find it odd when these young kids have 0000’s of followers, post pictures in dancewear/leotards showing off their splits etc- then the mums all go off on one when they actually check the followers and find a load of dodgy accounts following and even republishing the photos…

British gymnastics are not running any gradings/the actually important comps any time soon for that age group. So any local comps don't really matter. So no big deal to miss a session or two at this point.

Whatever she wants. But stick to it. Don’t make her compete. My child is an elite athlete. She’d pick party anytime. The training is so difficult. Not only physically. But mentally too. But they do need time off. Even if she’s wanting to be a Olympian. Which hardly any kids actually become. One party in the last 18 months won’t hurt. It would boost her morale.

But this is elite sport & missing out is part & parcel of being chosen as a future GB olympian

I am familiar with this turn of phrase, and I think I have some experience of the type of elite training the OP is talking about (it's not being 'chosen as a future Olympian either, although the hope is that a few of the kids at the Elite clubs will go the distance).

At 8? of course its fine to go to a party. At 10/11 the expectations change, ime, but at this age, she needs to more than just train, and some of it should be fun and parties with her friends.

I would also resist the temptation to talk about 'her Olympic training' and her being 'an elite athlete' (when she's an 8 year old at an Elite club) etc etc etc. You're proud of her, obviously, but I've seen several parents do this kind of thing and it's a bit clunky.

The training gets way more brutal intensive - so let her do stuff now. If she's 100% on board with the program when she's 10, then she'll be making the choice to miss things herself in order to stay in the Elite team. If she doesn't want to, then open the door to just being a keen hobby gymnast instead.

@reallyreallyborednow @CharlieBoo I know I find it pretty astonishing even more so that this is something that is encouraged by dance schools and seen as a big deal. Meanwhile zero guidance is given to parents or kids on safety issues relating to this. Safeguarding anyone? It's all about kudos and promotion for the dance school. I just cannot imagine this sort of thing being ok in any other area of a childs life. The sports/ dance wear companies are essentially using these kids and their pictures in skimpy leotards are freely available online

They’re just wee children at that age. But, if she’s in a competitive squad and the rules are you can’t miss training her parties, then really you need to either (a) miss the party, or (b) go, but start the move to a different Club with more flexibility.

Could you just call them and discuss? Tell them she’s not been to a party in 18 months, has had some lonely hard training via zoom that she’s stuck to, is completely committed, but that you would like her to go to this party. If you can’t discuss this with her coach, that does seem pretty toxic; you’re her parent and they’re not.

Think of all the child in “elite” training at 8, there must be half a dozen at every gym in the UK. That’s a lot of kids. If the gym or coach “breaks” a few of the children there are plenty others ready to replace them. Do you really want to subject your child to this?

If this is gymnastics, then they’re not classed as “elite” until they’ve done all the grades (levels?) in age group, which would make them 12.

its interesting that this is a father's response...

Don't tar all of us!

Head says party, heart says party. You're the adult so you get to choose. I know what I would choose and having been through the whole 'elite;sport ' obsessive training thing I would definitely let her be the party girl. If I could give my dd back the years of 5am starts, travel to the god knows where 200 miles away when most kids are doing kid things on a weekend. horrible competitive spiteful parents, trainers who treated my dd like shit if she didn't get it right, favoritism toward those that did, oh and the cost, but the real cost was her childhood. If your dd loves it then fine but don't be one of those parents who make it their job to fuck up their kids childhood to feed their own ego. Sorry if I sound a bit harsh but I am very very e.motive on this subject.

@Bushgirl I know mums whose kids have done the whole 18 hours training a week for gymnastics.. your kids that good they’ll get to the olympics blah blah blah and it’s bullshit.. it’s the parents who get sucked into it all. I think its important for kids to have a hobby/sport that they’re interested in but when it becomes so obsessive and nothing else matters but that, it’s not healthy. I have a boy and a girl, I’ve seen football parents think they’ve got the next messi and dance mums who could give abbey Lee a run for her money.. it should just be about having fun and often it not

I have a kid in elite sports too and I've had to make the same decision this week. I usually say that she's made a commitment to her team and has to go to training but, after the shitty year that we've had, I've said a big yes to parties two weeks in a row. Yes, it's frowned upon by the coaches but they're kids. There's been so little joy in their lives recently. Let them get it where they can.

@sirfredfredgeorge

If no one put in the obsessive amount of training from a young age, w wouldn't;' have any champions

We'd have exactly the same number of champions.

Why is it gymnastics that requires this very early specialisation, most sports do not require it at all, and it has lots of negatives in research, www.scienceforsport.com/early-sports-specialisation/ has some info and references.

That's a very informative article, thank you. I think all parents of sporty kids should read it.

@Domino20

I never used to let my son miss training for a party, if it was a genuinely close friend we'd arrange something separately. Perhaps it's difficult for those who don't follow this kind of path to understand but the thrill that kids get competing and winning or the strength of character they develop from losses is immeasurable. I'm guessing there's been no actual competition for over a year now with Lockdown? I'd be looking to get back into the routine of training/competition and plan something special with the birthday person separately.

I tried many different sports as a child and followed some for a long time. I took part in lots of competitions including pony club events, local athletics comps, and yes, gymnastics! Where we travelled to other cities to compete and had a wonderful time, all the thrills and personal development you mention, fitness, resilience, commitment.

It was not necessary to give up my entire life for any of these benefits. I did gymnastics once a week, tended to the ponies more often. I attended every party, school trip etc that I wanted. I also did theatre, dancing. I had a full social life and was able to focus on homework and exams when necessary. If I didn't want to go to some sport thing I was never forced and if I lost interest I was allowed to stop.

You might be able to force an 8 year old to miss a party, but you might have more trouble with a teenager! This has got to be driven by the child. If you're having to tell them they MUST attend this thing then who is it for? It's their life, their childhood, and it's supposed to be enjoyable.

Having had a child at County level in a team sport in which we also forked out a bomb for training not to mention physio, etc, I would say let your 8 yo go to the party. Unless it was a match, or training before a big match, we would let him do what he wanted, which was always go to the party. Training and matches take up so much time out of their lives around other things (like school/homework/etc) they need other things to let off steam and help to make them well-rounded individuals imo.

My son's gf is an elite swimmer who HAS to go whatever and is becoming quite resentful and no longer enjoys it.

@Estasala

You might be able to force an 8 year old to miss a party, but you might have more trouble with a teenager! This has got to be driven by the child. If you're having to tell them they MUST attend this thing then who is it for? It's their life, their childhood, and it's supposed to be enjoyable

^^THIS

If your dd loves it then fine but don't be one of those parents who make it their job to fuck up their kids childhood to feed their own ego

I think as parents we want to do the best for our kids it's not all about feeding our ego, often we are trying to give them opportunities that maybe we did not have as a kid. It is very hard for a parent not to become sucked in when a coach says that their child has potential or when they gain a place on an 'elite' squad. Most parents just want to give them a chance and before they know it has taken over their lives. I think what's important is for parents to be in charge and to advocate for their kids when things get excessive.

My child represents their country in their chosen sport. They have been classed are classed as ‘elite’ but are considerably older than 8.
They nearly always went to the party.
Research suggests that there is no way of predicting if an eight years old will make it. We do not mention the O word. That is their decision. We will help to facilitate it if that is what they want.
This is also an area I do research in. At eight the biggest predictor that a child will stay in their sport is parental attitude-this is particularly true for girls.
Please let her have a life outside of this sport (she should be doing other sports at this age) and dial down the pressure

Elite sport at that age just seems so sad. I'd definitely have her go to the party.

I would let her go, but it depends on whether her trainer will drop her or not.