Child in elite sport... Aibu to let her miss training for bday party

[Homeontherangeuk]

My child is an elite athlete & we're on holiday this week... She's just been invited to an outdoor bday party... Usually I'd say you have training but given the past year I'm inclined to say fuck it & let her go... But we're also away this weekend so she's missing two trainings but making all her weeklys...

For example - just randomly googling gymnastics and attendance - this is from a random club.

"Attendance – To Gain maximum benefit from their training and for the fees paid, gymnasts need to attend every training session. Again, there are exceptions; important family events and weddings, etc., but a friend’s birthday party or a sleepover is not a valid excuse to miss squad training! Please ensure you notify the office if your child is having to miss a training session. Please do not rely on telling another gymnast and expecting the message to reach their coach.

Squad holiday dates are very similar year on year; at least one week in Easter, then in the summer, the last week in July and the first two in August. At Christmas, squads break for two weeks. Half term breaks are also available. If gymnasts have a competition shortly after a holiday period, additional training may be offered during these holidays, with the mutual agreement of coach and gymnast/parent/carer. If holidays are taken at any other time it is detrimental to the gymnasts’ training programme."

A friend's 9 year old has been on this kind of track for several years. She does gym most days...

It isn't everyone who signs up!

Party! Friend was an elite gymnast. Now a teacher. She missed out on so much and doesn’t want that for her children.

ffs just ASK HER

And further down the page -
"Commitment– Membership of any squad is a big commitment for gymnasts, parents/carers and coaches. If anyone in this partnership is unable to give this commitment then the work of others is wasted. Where there is a problem e.g. at exam times, please discuss this with the gymnast’s coach so that an acceptable plan of training for this period can be put in place.

Squad training is intended to be enjoyable, but hard work. It is not just “a bit of Fun”. Fun is a day at Alton Towers, Play Station or a game of paintball, or even an hour a week recreational training! Many people are born with natural talent, but to acheve at high level they have to work hard and commit to their training. We do not expect this from a five or six year old , although we sometimes get it! By the time they are of competitive age, eight or nine, commitment to training is essential."

Just so you can see the kind of expectations on squad gymnasts! By 8 they are expecting this type of commitment.

As a complete outsider to this world all these rules for young gymnasts on attendance, commitment etc, make me very uneasy. Almost as though it’s a cult and unless you rack up your 4 hours a day or whatever you’re not good or committed enough. And there’s definitely a part of me wondering why this seems so prevalent particularly in one of the few sports that is more female associated.

I never used to let my son miss training for a party, if it was a genuinely close friend we'd arrange something separately. Perhaps it's difficult for those who don't follow this kind of path to understand but the thrill that kids get competing and winning or the strength of character they develop from losses is immeasurable. I'm guessing there's been no actual competition for over a year now with Lockdown? I'd be looking to get back into the routine of training/competition and plan something special with the birthday person separately.

@flowergirl26

Party! Friend was an elite gymnast. Now a teacher. She missed out on so much and doesn’t want that for her children.

Yes - or ask her - she is only 8.

If you live in North Korea then it will have to be gym since few ways of getting ahead but if in any other country then maybe at 8 a party would be nice

I'd say give her the choice especially if training is going to be the priority in future x

Personally I'd jib off the sport, but none of my kids were elite athletes.

I've tended to make my kids go through with stuff unless they are on deaths door physically or having a major mental health crisis. Just good habits.

If it's a super competitive sport then she would have to get used to always showing up come hell or high water, so I think it's good practice. If you start letting them off they will realise they can, and when they get to be teens they will find it hard to get motivated.

@PromisingMiddleagedWoman

As a complete outsider to this world all these rules for young gymnasts on attendance, commitment etc, make me very uneasy. Almost as though it’s a cult and unless you rack up your 4 hours a day or whatever you’re not good or committed enough. And there’s definitely a part of me wondering why this seems so prevalent particularly in one of the few sports that is more female associated.

me too.....pressure on chidren to perform and achieve at school is said to be contibuting to serious mental health problems in children....yet it seens to be ok in sport?

DCs are involved in a competitive activity that requires a lot of hours of training and travel to events. TBH Covid has been a revaluation of all this and what's actually important. We realised that as a family we were stuck on a hamster wheel totally beholden to others over all our weekends and holidays, like the OP fretting over missing anything and feeling pressure that they had to be present or would be penalised. They are still involved but less so and I will put their needs and our family first. If they are good enough and want to do it great but being totally beholden to coaches is almost a form of bullying and not good for anyone.

Is it gymnastics? I mean I would just bin it off and let her go

@SilverGlitterBaubles

DCs are involved in a competitive activity that requires a lot of hours of training and travel to events. TBH Covid has been a revaluation of all this and what's actually important. We realised that as a family we were stuck on a hamster wheel totally beholden to others over all our weekends and holidays, like the OP fretting over missing anything and feeling pressure that they had to be present or would be penalised. They are still involved but less so and I will put their needs and our family first. If they are good enough and want to do it great but being totally beholden to coaches is almost a form of bullying and not good for anyone.

We are in the same position … I can see though that my sons interest is waning and I anticipate he will be ‘culled’ in September … he’s 11 . I want the activity to be fun … and there are ways of doing that - we are grown up far too long ….

Go to the party! I feel so sorry for children who miss everything just to train. Even the ones who are good enough to become Olympians need fun and socialisation too.

@SilverGlitterBaubles oh goodness totally agree.. my dd is a dancer, 4 times a week, all over the country for comps.. the money and time it took out of our lives was unreal.. Covid was a welcome break from it all and I’m actually dreading all the comps again

If they are good enough and want to do it great but being totally beholden to coaches is almost a form of bullying and not good for anyone

Yes this “total commitment or you’ll fail” ethos is more about control than actually what’s best for the kids.

I’m sorry but I honestly think you need to give your head a wobble. She is EIGHT !! Absolutely no guarantee ( no matter how excellent) of Olympics - know several “ elite athlete” children in various fields who missed out so much of their childhood only to fall at the hurdles/ competition at 14/15 due to different development, interests etc. If your child wants to go to a party there should be no question whatsoever- remember in theory the elite sport is for your child’s sake - not for you.

Let her do whatever she wants

I've had experience of several children's competitive activities as a patent and I also coach and organise competitions so I have had quite a lot of experience of this kind of thing.
I think a very simple question that parents need to ask themselves is whether they would accept trearmen in their children's academic school that they tolerate in their out of school activities - not the specific details of course, but the general ethos. It is surprising how often parents are completely accepting of behaviour towards their children and themselves that would provoke outrage if it happened in school. The reasons are complex and itsomething I could go on about at great length, but the bottom line is that the same standards of child welfare, Safeguarding and respect of individuals should apply within the sporting world as anywhere else.It can be hard to challenge existing standards, but remember that you are the parent, and usually the (highly)paying customer and don't accept behaviours that you'd find intolerable elsewhere. Competitive sport has a lot of potential benefits for kids but it's all too easy for it to become toxic if balance is lost.

What sort of sport considers you to be elite athlete at age 8? (Not suggesting she isn't just interested) gymnastics maybe?

It’s a hard one this, if it’s elite sports that can lead to a carre that your DD wishes to pursue, than absolutely encourage her to train because 2 missed sessions can be the difference between elite and professional/career. Also normally this thing isn’t well received by coaches m/trainers.

It is her decision, but also parents help guide, it’s very difficult for children to understand or make decisions that have lasting impacts on their future prospects.

That being said, whatever you choose I don’t think you are being reasonable, and even asking the question is so fantastic so see because many would make the decisions to train without even consulting the child.

I’m only a young father to a young toddler but how refreshing to see good communication between parent and child.

then absolutely encourage her to train because 2 missed sessions can be the difference between elite and professional/career

Bullshit. Missing a couple of sessions as an 8 year old won’t be the difference between her making it or not.

then absolutely encourage her to train because 2 missed sessions can be the difference between elite and professional/career

No it isn't what a load of rubbish