To give up my career because of my new body

[In321]

The field of work I am in, looks are important sadly. The prettier women do better, it’s really rubbish but it’s true. I’ve never been a ‘pretty’ woman but I’ve gotten through okay. I’ve been on maternity and had a baby and I look horrendous. My skin is very dry, dull and wrinkly. I have huge bags under my eyes and for some reason my teeth are hideous (I liked throughout my whole pregnancy so maybe that’s it?) I have accidentally lost weight through breastfeeding and my DCs allergies, but I am left with this big, soft, wobbly belly. I bought a new outfit the other day and thought I looked good and was feeling so happy about myself, but then I saw a picture of me with my DC after, and my face was hideous, just so awful looking, my breasts saggy and my belly sticking out. I just want to cry. I’m thinking about not going back to work (DC is 9 months but I’ve got another two months due to holiday left over) because I just know trying to get on around lots of beautiful, successful women is going to make me feel even more miserable. I see other mums and they look good, why do I look so awful? DC wakes to feed every few hours still so I’m not getting enough sleep and I keep forgetting to moisturise.

I am so happy being a mum but I look disgusting and I hate myself. Would it be so pathetic to quit work because of this and find a new job?

What's the job?

Hard to say without knowing the job.

I guess it boils down to whether you love what you do? I had a huge career change after my first child was born, I went back for a year and then decided that actually, none of what I was doing was important to me any longer, when previously I had loved it.

Personally, I can't see that a work environment such as you have described can be very good for anyones self esteem long term? Even for the most beautiful person on the planet!

I hear you though, having babies changes your body and it can be tough to embrace it, but you made a human, which is amazing, and much more important than anything! You are not disgusting, you are brilliant!

It wouldn't be pathetic at all. It sounds like staying in this job would cause you much anxiety and self loath, regardless whether it is just your own perception of your body and others might see you in much favourable light. If you think you can find another job where you would feel comfortable, just go for it. With a small child there is not always capacity for self care, so if you are able to avoid the anxiety driving situation that might be best solution for the moment. Then when you get out of the baby phase it may just happen that you will see yourself in a different light and will be happy that you spared yourself all the stress that the old job would have caused.

Don't quit your job yet. Start to work on being kinder to yourself as at the moment you are your fiercest critic.

Can anyone help you to catch up on some sleep. Let the house go and sleep when your baby does.
Get some fresh air.
Find your smile, it's so appealing.
Review your wardrobe and add some new pieces. Bite the bullet and go up a size or 2. Wearing tight clothes makes you feel (and look) worse.
Get a good moisturiser and hand cream. Keep it in your bag and put it on if you ever get a spare moment.

Try not to obsess on this, enjoy this golden time with your baby. You're amazing and you've got this 💐

Don’t quit your job (due to self esteem issues postnatally) without something else to go to, that has at least as good terms and conditions.

In any new job, or at home, your confidence would still be a challenge, so much better to work on that than do anything that impairs your earning money.

I honestly doubt you look anywhere near as bad as you're making out. Unless your job is in high end fashion I'm sure lockscreen the big deal you're enlighten out to be. I'd go back answer how it goes.

I felt the same after the birth of my second. Please don’t give up. Gym, diet, water, treat yourself to a new suit (or whatever is de rigueur in your industry). Your career is so important, you will not feel any better if you wallow at home.

It is really hard to adjust to a new body after a baby. Be kind to yourself and know that it doesn't last - the sleeplessness the softness from lack of opportunity to exercise and your bodys natural needs.

Any industry where pretty women do better sounds discriminatory and toxic and bad for mental health.

Good underwear is your friend

Unless of course you are a bikini model!?

What is the job?
Can you afford not to work?
Are you married/living with/single?
If not single, what does your partner think?

It doesn’t matter what the job is, no job should make a new mum or any woman feel this bad about themselves!

Do you need very formal work wear? If not, there are lots of very lovely midi dresses around and the styles can be quite forgiving. New shoes. Get hair and nails done, I know it sounds glib, but will boost tour confidence.
Hand a nice outfit where you see it regularly to encourage you.
Lots of water, sleep when you can. Maybe treat yourself to new make up?
I would treat it as a task; make a list and tick off when you have achieved any little step.
Honestly, we are our own worst critics!

Give yourself time OP. Try different styles and be patient with yourself.

Also look at changing career. It sounds horrible.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry to hear you are so fed up Do you still enjoy the job? Does it make you feel fulfilled? If so please don't throw away your career based on your appearance!

How old is your baby? Can you think of night weaning to give you better sleep? I think if you were less tired things might not feel so bad. I have been where you are and it is awful can you treat yourself to some treatments to address your dry skin, would that make you feel happier?

9 months isn't long to still be dealing with post pregnancy body, emotions and getting into the swing of looking after yourself again. It took me about a year to turn a corner when previously I was very much a gym/pamper person. I couldn't maintain that and give my all as a mum but it gets easier.
It's hard not to compare yourself to other mums but no 2 situations are the same. You're not in the minority.
Are you with baby's dad? Could you have an hour or so now and again to have time for you? Do a treatment or even just a lie down, anything that will help make you feel better so you feel like you again. The mums who look great probably get time for themselves.

I’m in awe of anyone who has created and given birth to a whole unique human being. It’s mind-blowingly amazing. Your body is mind-blowingly amazing. Your work sounds horribly pressured - like being permanently stuck with the gang of ‘alpha girls’ at school who think they are ‘it’. Unless you really love your job so much you are prepared to try and rush your recovery from childbirth, maybe now is a good time to consider work in a less superficial atmosphere (and I’m quite sure your description of yourself is very harsh and if I met you, I’d think ‘wow’).

@RedHelenB

I honestly doubt you look anywhere near as bad as you're making out. Unless your job is in high end fashion I'm sure lockscreen the big deal you're enlighten out to be. I'd go back answer how it goes.

Que?!

2 months holiday is normal in your job? I'd keep that job if at all possible.

It sounds like your confidence has taken a bit of a battering which can be normal when you spend a lot of time at home and transition into “being a mum”.

There is no way you’re as awful as you imagine you are. You just need to stop being so hard on yourself.

Thank everyone. I don’t know if I really love my job or not any more, I used to want to be successful but that’s not the same. I don’t want to say what industry it is as I think it will cause some odd reactions, but sadly the general public react better to the more attractive ladies and those of us who aren’t never seem to get the same results! But everyone works hard and it’s not the other ladies’ fault, they’re all lovely but I know I will feel down comparing myself.

I guess I just need to adapt to the new me but it’s so hard. My husband is so lovely, he told me that I have never been more beautiful to him because now I’m a mum to his DC and that’s amazing, but every time I look in the mirror I want to cry.

I haven’t had sex with him since DC was born because I can’t bare for him to see me naked. He’s not mentioned it, he just accepts if I tell him I’m tired when I rebuff his advances, but I just feel so unattractive.

Are you sure this is about your body or is it all your anxieties focussing on your body in an attempt to make sense of your feelings?
You have been through so many things all at once - Covid, a long time away from work, pregnancy, new motherhood etc etc all of which are major causes of stress on their own!! Add to that the possibility you may have late onset PND and you should really be looking in the mirror and congratulating yourself on getting this far.
Absolutely none of what you are feeling is unusual, and only you can decide how much the job means to you but I do think you may need some support in adjusting your perspective. Have you anyone you can talk to - a sympathetic professional, a good friend, a supportive sibling?

You need to get these thoughts out of your head and into the world so you can talk about them and shrink them to their real size. Then you can begin to make choices about the way forward and what you want for you and your family.
Good luck and well done so far. x

To be honest I wouldn't want to be in a career where you are constantly judged on your looks and it sounds sexist if it's the women who are doing better based on their looks. I'm not saying you couldn't get back to where you were pre baby with some work and time but you should think about getting a career where you are valued for your work .

I’ve found going back to work 3 days a week brilliant. I actually get some time to myself! I buy clothes or walk or get my haircut at lunch. I nip to the make up counters after work. I do online shopping on the train.

If you enjoy it and like the people and it fits with childcare I’d say try it for a year and see what happens. The sick leave has been awful for the first year so it’s much better to be in an established role where you have a good relationship and reputation

Ps I bet you look great. Don’t be so hard on yourself

I'm guessing perhaps hospitality. Honestly a warming smile and confidence is a winner in my books. Pretend to be confideent till you find one day you ARE confident. If you're a bit bulgy in places, so what?! -aren't we all , but personally i just invested in a couple of suck 'em in shapewear items for under my clothes that no longer quite fit as they should, get measured for a proper supportive bra - your shape will have changed so it's worth getting measured - try Bravissimo.
But the main thing is be proud you are a mum,be proud you've a career, and you can do it - bring that thought with you - it'll radiate as a glow of confidence such that the features you think are your shortcomings won't be noticed by the people who will see you confident, with poise, capably doing your job.