To give up my career because of my new body

[In321]

The field of work I am in, looks are important sadly. The prettier women do better, it’s really rubbish but it’s true. I’ve never been a ‘pretty’ woman but I’ve gotten through okay. I’ve been on maternity and had a baby and I look horrendous. My skin is very dry, dull and wrinkly. I have huge bags under my eyes and for some reason my teeth are hideous (I liked throughout my whole pregnancy so maybe that’s it?) I have accidentally lost weight through breastfeeding and my DCs allergies, but I am left with this big, soft, wobbly belly. I bought a new outfit the other day and thought I looked good and was feeling so happy about myself, but then I saw a picture of me with my DC after, and my face was hideous, just so awful looking, my breasts saggy and my belly sticking out. I just want to cry. I’m thinking about not going back to work (DC is 9 months but I’ve got another two months due to holiday left over) because I just know trying to get on around lots of beautiful, successful women is going to make me feel even more miserable. I see other mums and they look good, why do I look so awful? DC wakes to feed every few hours still so I’m not getting enough sleep and I keep forgetting to moisturise.

I am so happy being a mum but I look disgusting and I hate myself. Would it be so pathetic to quit work because of this and find a new job?

As I say, I’ve never been an attractive person, very average which I was comfortable with, but now I feel like such an ugly dumpling with hair growing in random places, huge deep lines, dull skin, flabby and saggy and just really hate myself.

Sorry I’m whinging, I just feel so down about it today. My son is napping on me and I’m trying not to cry in case I wake him.

Do not decide now.

Your feelings about yourself sound almost like a form of depression that many people feel after giving birth. The physical effects are such a shock but do get better.

Just be happy with your baby and try to sleep when you can and eat healthy meals. Take your baby out for long walks. If anyone can look after the baby go swimming or to the gym.

Drink plenty of water and buy good moisturiser. Take a vitamin and mineral supplement.

Do you work in the beauty industry? My friend is a cosmetics rep, the pressure to look good is immense, her skin, her teeth, her make up, her hair, her clothes. Not only is she expected to look great she is continually comparing herself to other immaculate women, especially younger women. Her perspective is skewed.

Can your DH help you have more sleep, rest, exercise? Your relationship with him is also important, believe him when he says you are beautiful, don’t allow insecurities stop you being intimate, that’s a slippery slope into self fulfilling behaviour. No matter how rubbish I feel I always feel better after sex as my DP makes me feel wanted, attractive and boosts my ego.

Maybe speak to your health visitor or GP. It sounds as if giving up your job won’t resolve your issues, it may make you hide away more.

Please talk to your doctor, just to rule out PND. You won't necessarily feel depressed and sad with it, but it can easily alter your view of yourself.
It may be just lack of sleep but, if you are diagnosed, treatment and counselling will help you feel so much better.

I would think very carefully about giving up your job at this stage. Would you need to pay back maternity leave pay, for example? Give it a month or two to see how you get on.
Try not to worry: so many of us have felt like this, you're not alone.

I think there is a lot going on here but I would suggest you get a different job of possible- not because you don’t look good enough any more but because having a job so dependent on your looks isn’t healthy for you. I’m not saying it’s wrong for everyone (whatever it is) but for you it’s contributing to your low self esteem

OP if you were in a line of work where appearances are important and you previously felt ok with that previously, are you someone who is quite focused on their appearance? If so minor changes may seem massive.

Haven't RTFT @In321 but I just wanted to quickly say that I have an 18-month old and it's only recently that I've started to look and feel like my old self again. I was the same as you - dismayed by how I looked in photos etc. - but I now think it just takes a long time for your body to normalise after pregnancy, birth, BF, all the change and upheaval.

There are things you can do to make yourself feel a little better in the meantime though. Get some teeth-whitening strips. Look after your skin and hair. Try to get a little bit of colour from the beautiful weather we have at the moment. I do think that in the next few months you'll start to recognise yourself again.

I hope you start to feel better soon

@Chocaholic9 no it’s not sex related at all. I don’t want to say what it is as I think that will become the main focus, but it’s very public facing and the public react so much better to an attractive face, I see it all the time. I saw a comment on a colleagues social media (work related account and post) and it just said about how pretty she is. I don’t know why but it happens a lot, the more attractive women are more successful due to the reaction from the public, nothing to do with the job itself or management etc. Weirdly enough, it doesn’t happen with the males in the same industry, no one seems to care what they look like. It’s very depressing. Doesn’t matter how good you are, the engagement with the prettier women is always higher and they’re more successful and that leads to better opportunities.
But that doesn’t mean they don’t work hard, I am not saying that they really do, but the prettier ladies do better than those of us who aren’t quite as physically blessed!

So sorry you are upset right now. Hugs to you. While he is napping now could you have a shower and wash your hair? Have a hot drink?

Then could you take him out? Do not think about how you look anymore as it will all be exaggerated in your mind almost like a delusion.

The sagginess etc, will go or improve dramatically.

@TatianaBis I genuinely have never been too bothered about looks, as I said I accepted that I’m quite average looking and just got on with it, but I feel like the last bit of my confidence has been taken away and I feel like such an ugly duckling and I don’t want to go back to a room full of swans.

[quote In321]@Chocaholic9 no it’s not sex related at all. I don’t want to say what it is as I think that will become the main focus, but it’s very public facing and the public react so much better to an attractive face, I see it all the time. I saw a comment on a colleagues social media (work related account and post) and it just said about how pretty she is. I don’t know why but it happens a lot, the more attractive women are more successful due to the reaction from the public, nothing to do with the job itself or management etc. Weirdly enough, it doesn’t happen with the males in the same industry, no one seems to care what they look like. It’s very depressing. Doesn’t matter how good you are, the engagement with the prettier women is always higher and they’re more successful and that leads to better opportunities.
But that doesn’t mean they don’t work hard, I am not saying that they really do, but the prettier ladies do better than those of us who aren’t quite as physically blessed![/quote]
Good to hear. I only asked because if it was sex work I think most people would feel shitty and demoralised going back to work like that.

Here’s a question for you.

If you quit your job tomorrow, and you still looked the way you do now, would you be content and fine with your appearance?

Just trying to work out if the real issue is dissatisfaction with your appearance, which will follow you everywhere, or the impact it has on work.

People post about how pretty someone is on a work related account?!

Please do tell us the general field. Do you think you want to move jobs /this is an issue wih this line of work or more self perception? It really is hard to know withiut knowing the job.

Please don't feel so sad. I felt that same way after having both my babies. My advice would be to start focusing on yourself.
Eat sensibly
Start exercising or up your exercise. I would go to some postnatal classes to work on your tummy and core muscles.

Drink lots and lots of water and get to bed early.

YOU CAN DO IT!!

Honestly I have noticed that when I am feeling crap I can look at a photo of myself and think I look terrible and then when I feel better I can look at the same photo and think I look OK. The photo doesn't change in the meantime obviously do what does? My state of mind.

On the other hand if what you say about your job is true -and I'm sure it is- you might want to think about a different career because your looks are not an indication of your intrinsic value but if you get financially awarded/penalised for them I can see that you might begin to think they are. That's not good for your long-term wellbeing whether you're v good looking or not.

It sounds really difficult for you at the moment OP but your baby is still so young and you are doing an amazing job of caring for him and prioritizing his needs. Breastfeeding is a huge commitment and you should be really proud of doing this. Nighttime parenting is exhausting and you are so strong to be keeping going despite having disturbed sleep. Other mums and dads will see this in you, whether you realise it or not. We will see the whole person, the strong determined and caring mum you are and will be, not just for your looks. Someone can still look extremely groomed, well dressed, stylish etc without looking "pretty". Personally I'd rather be viewed as stylish than pretty.

I am so sorry you feel like your job is based on looks. What other skills are required to be good at it? If its customer facing, is it about having good conversation skills, about asking the right questions to engage your client, anticipating your clients needs? None of those skills relate to your appearance.

[quote In321]@TatianaBis I genuinely have never been too bothered about looks, as I said I accepted that I’m quite average looking and just got on with it, but I feel like the last bit of my confidence has been taken away and I feel like such an ugly duckling and I don’t want to go back to a room full of swans.[/quote]
That’s ok you don’t have to go back if you feel like this.

However, this all smacks strongly to me of PND with a kind of body dysmorphia - I’m sure you look perfectly fine to everyone else. When you say you “hate yourself” that really is depression talking.

[quote In321]@Chocaholic9 no it’s not sex related at all. I don’t want to say what it is as I think that will become the main focus, but it’s very public facing and the public react so much better to an attractive face, I see it all the time. I saw a comment on a colleagues social media (work related account and post) and it just said about how pretty she is. I don’t know why but it happens a lot, the more attractive women are more successful due to the reaction from the public, nothing to do with the job itself or management etc. Weirdly enough, it doesn’t happen with the males in the same industry, no one seems to care what they look like. It’s very depressing. Doesn’t matter how good you are, the engagement with the prettier women is always higher and they’re more successful and that leads to better opportunities.
But that doesn’t mean they don’t work hard, I am not saying that they really do, but the prettier ladies do better than those of us who aren’t quite as physically blessed![/quote]
So something like estate agent or car salesperson?

OP, it may be that you'll slowly edge out of this dark place by taking a series of small steps and acts of self care, and you start getting into a virtuous cycle. I'm sure you will feel better. In the meantime, I do second what a pp said about not making big decisions when you're down.

PS -- are you taking vitamin D?

Lack of sleep makes a huge difference in everything. It's how you feel which impacts on how you look.

I think your husband sounds lovely so my advice would be to tell him how you feel about work and get him on board for a extended break from work if that's financially possible. Take the pressure off.

Sleep...well, when you can but also just remember it won't be forever. You will sleep again properly! Keep riding the waves.

Are you still breastfeeding? Get bottles of water strategically placed around the house if so. I remember being pinned to the sofa for hours with mine! Even better if you have some healthy snacks too.

Buy some nice toiletries, make up, get your hair done, size up and buy something nice to wear... whatever makes you feel nicer. Maybe even some nice undies...not something tacky but just something that will feel nice. You don't have to rush things sex wise but it's good to communicate rather than just push husband away? If you can.

And yes, I think I would think about a different job eventually. What's that phrase... "Comparison is the theif of joy"? I wouldn't like to be valued in such a shallow way. I'd try and think about what you really value and try and find something that aligns with that.

But give yourself time.

So something like estate agent or car salesperson?

Oh, would everybody stop already! The title of this post was not "guess what job I do"

I don’t know if I would want to work somewhere where looks are so important! (Air line crew?) I would use this as an opportunity to work on your self esteem but also to think about what else you might like to do. It doesn’t sound like your dream job, it doesn’t sound like you like it much at all.

Why does it matter what job she does? It's pretty obvious that there are jobs where the more attractive someone is, the more opportunities they're given at work.

OP, you have a couple of months. Could you start to go for long walks with the baby in the buggy? If you could do two a day you'd really notice a difference. Drink lots of water. Can you afford to pay to go to a private dentist? It will be really worth the investment - it'll protect your teeth and make you feel much better about yourself. It might be cheaper than you think (and certainly cheaper than giving up work!)

Lots of random thoughts in no particularly order....

I work in an industry where my role is male dominated and always has been, but at times I work around marketing people who are more likely to be women, and more likely to be very pretty and young, and/or heavily made-up. I'm older and try not to look in mirrors much anymore, it's quite demoralising!

What I have seen over the years, is that although - yes the men do seem to react to the pretty girls, want to go for after work drinks, maybe invite them to events etc., when it comes to the actual work - there's no distinction. People want to work with people who get results, and especially as more women get into the industry (I think I'm saying they're less swayed by the makeup and outward appearance), the achievers aren't always/often the pretty girls.

And also as another poster said - I can look at a photo of myself and think how horrendous I look. My teeth, my hair, my fat thighs, my posture etc. Then another day I can look at the same photo and think I look ok. It's my mindset. So are you feeling low, and think you look a certain way, when in reality there's no problem with the way you look!

I think people also feed off the way someone feels; if you're happy and confident, that shows, and people want to listen to you, work with you, be around you.

@In321, people are shallow, everywhere, a smile can make anyone pretty