To give up my career because of my new body

[In321]

The field of work I am in, looks are important sadly. The prettier women do better, it’s really rubbish but it’s true. I’ve never been a ‘pretty’ woman but I’ve gotten through okay. I’ve been on maternity and had a baby and I look horrendous. My skin is very dry, dull and wrinkly. I have huge bags under my eyes and for some reason my teeth are hideous (I liked throughout my whole pregnancy so maybe that’s it?) I have accidentally lost weight through breastfeeding and my DCs allergies, but I am left with this big, soft, wobbly belly. I bought a new outfit the other day and thought I looked good and was feeling so happy about myself, but then I saw a picture of me with my DC after, and my face was hideous, just so awful looking, my breasts saggy and my belly sticking out. I just want to cry. I’m thinking about not going back to work (DC is 9 months but I’ve got another two months due to holiday left over) because I just know trying to get on around lots of beautiful, successful women is going to make me feel even more miserable. I see other mums and they look good, why do I look so awful? DC wakes to feed every few hours still so I’m not getting enough sleep and I keep forgetting to moisturise.

I am so happy being a mum but I look disgusting and I hate myself. Would it be so pathetic to quit work because of this and find a new job?

First of all you're never going to look your best when you are sleep deprived. Your skin will look better if you remember to drink loads of water and it will still be affected by all sorts of hormones.
So maybe some glycolic acid pads to exfoliate it a bit and a run of the mill moisturiser will make you feel better.
Loads of people look like shit for the first couple of years after they've had a baby, but it will get better and if you do some small things that can lift your mood enough.

I bought some teeth whitening strips from Spotlight Oral Care a couple of weeks ago on a recommendation. Cost me less than £30 and they have brightened my old and yellow teeth enough that I'm not horrified by them.

Maybe it is worth considering a career change into something that doesn't have so much emphasis on how you look but instead on what your skills are?

I'm assuming your industry has a huge turnover of staff once these women hit their older years into their late 30s, 40s & 50s... even 60s? What do they do then?

How terrible to work somewhere where they make you feel bad about how you look rather than what you can do.

@Merryoldgoat
**

. She told me to put some some makeup on, put some perfume on and find my favourite outfit and go out with my head held high. It had stood me in good stead ever since."

**
^^
Brilliant advice.

@Scottishskifun

I had split muscle
Both times

An exercise I did sorted it.

"Lay flat
Put your hand over your yum
Rise head so you're looking at your toes- hold for 7 seconds
Lower gentle
Repeat x10 twice a day.

Wash board stomach

Rise

Oh op, I doubt you look as bad as you think. I remember having dc1, I lost most of my weight quite quickly with him, but there was a stubborn half stone I couldn’t shift, and I felt pale, wobbly and tired all the time. I look back a pics now (the same ones that I looked at them and was disgusted with) and I actually look quite nice!! I think a lot of it is getting used to a changing shape, and a bit of a knock to your confidence. Having a child is a huge life event and it is bound to affect you, but I am positive you look better than you are giving yourself credit for.

If you are really worried, why don’t you take yourself off for a facial or treat yourself to some new skincare. Take some time for you as you have more than earned it.

Also stick baby in push chair and walk at least 20 mins per day

OP

I am relatively slim, and have been even slimmer.
I’ve good looking teeth (the visible ones; others are a horror and have given me a chronic pain condition).
I don’t take care of myself; don’t know how to apply and hence don’t wear makeup; have left my hair get into a horrible condition.

I go into a fancy department store and see sales assistants which would be much higher weight than me, with makeup on, hair and nails done.
And I’m in awe of them and envy their looks.

Your looks and your job need separating out.

Your looks. If you're unhappy then what are you doing to help? Lots of walking with baby, can you find a Mom's and Tots fitness class? Can you afford good shapewear and some new clothes? If you've had a baby and lost weight you're a different shape so you need different clothes. Even if it's just high street basics, clothes that fit will make you feel a lot better. If you can't get in your dentists, have a look where else is taking NHS patients and move. Can you get your hair cut / shaped so it suits your new figure etc?

But most of your unhappiness is in your head and other than suggesting counselling it's a hard one for someone else to pick.

Re the job. Presumably if you leave without notice you'll have to pay back maternity? And can you afford as a family to not work? HOWEVER I would def be looking for a new job where you aren't going to be feeling like a failure on a daily basis because the customers are shallow

Think very carefully before giving up your job. I think being off on maternity leave and away from the workplace can lead to a massive drop in confidence. In my work I was involved in training younger women who often struggled coming back to work after pregnancy ( not for image related issues) . They were anxious about leaving the baby too. It was difficult but they worked through it. They were often better at their jobs once this happened ( caring profession )
I wonder if you are being overly critical of how you look due to lots of conflicting feelings about the return to work. When you are anxious about something it’s better to face that anxiety rather than avoid it . You will notice perceived problems with your appearance much more than others will. When we look at others we just note an overall impression. Being well groomed, friendly and smiling goes a long way .
You could give yourself a set time . If you work for say 6 months and you are still feeling the job is adversely affecting your mental health then give it up.

Of course yabu! You’re being really harsh on yourself. Everyone has bad photos so forget that. You felt good in your new outfit so focus on that. Start to give yourself time every day to do basic self care. Book a haircut, moisturise and if you wear makeup start practicing again. You’ve done an amazing thing creating a new human but it’s ok to prioritise a bit of time for you. Happy mum= happy baby. Good luck x

Sounds like a shitty job in a toxic industry if it is still so focused on female appearance.

What skills & talents do you have OP that can make you valuable elsewhere? Your work should empower you, not make you feel like crap.

This isn't just about going back to work. It's about how you feel about yourself. A single photo doesn't tell the whole story of how you looked on one day. You might have looked lovely.

(Having said that, on a day i felt great and thought I looked quite slim when out with friends a photo revealed I was literally twice the width of my friend and painful as it was to see it, that was the impetus I needed to get fit and lose some weight.)

The most important thing is to start a regime to look after yourself. It is so easy to put yourself last when you have DC. It is a massive mistake. If I could turn back the clock that's the main thing I'd change about raising DC. Look for other dentists. You can book in anywhere.
You could also try some home whitening kits and whitening toothpastes.

You can help your skin by doing skin brushing or using a mitt in the bath, and add salts and oils to soften the skin, moisturise and use fake tan or if you tan easily, get out in the sun.

Treat yourself to a good hair cut and a manicure/pedicure. And keep buying new clothes you feel good in, but maybe book a personal stylist to help you choose what flatters your current body shape best. I think 9/10ths of women looking attractive is grooming. If you look like you look after yourself, that appeals, in any profession. Still wondering what on earth you do - is it real estate?

I don’t want to say what it is as I think that will become the main focus

Surely it’s the very essence of the question. Working in Primark is a very public facing role, as is being an actor. You would be unreasonable to think the former is a reason to be concerned but would be understandable if you were the latter.

My guess is the only person who would notice would be you and you need to work on your self esteem. Especially given you don’t even want your partner to see you.

I think 9/10ths of women looking attractive is grooming.

I wonder how men stay attractive without manicures, expensive haircuts, daily grooming with skin brushing and fake tan?

My teeth were discoloured after having babies, I used a charcoal toothpaste (arm and hammer I think) and the stains/discolouration went in about 2 weeks, it was amazing!

@MintyMabel

I think 9/10ths of women looking attractive is grooming.

I wonder how men stay attractive without manicures, expensive haircuts, daily grooming with skin brushing and fake tan?

They don't. The attractive men I know shave every day, get haircuts far more often than I do, look after their nails and teeth, dress well and stay fit.

I was suggesting things for the OP to feel better about herself. She's feeling down about her weight and skin. There are things she might feel better about if she looks after them. Grooming is enjoyable. You don't have to be size 6 to look like you take care of yourself. It's not about pleasing other people.

Most new mums have a confidence crisis re their changed body, try not to worry.

On the practical front, why not buy some Spanx or a waist wrap if you’re self/conscious about your tummy? Have you been checked for diastasis? Well fitting trousers and long loose tops could help too.

Skin: try to make time for regular moisturising, toning, masks. Maybe a facial or peel.

Hair: a new cut/colour, lots of deep conditioner, a style that’s easy to blowdry before work. My baby loved watching me use the Babyliss Big Curls for some reason, she’d stand in her travel cot transfixed!

Make up: a good primer, foundation, bronzer or blush, lipstick (a blue tint to the red will make your teeth look whiter).

Teeth: whitening toothpaste paste or ask the dentist for laser whitening. It’s quick and painless.

Make sure you’re taking vitamins and maybe use an anti aging/tightening product on the skin that bothers you? Eye bag cream and concealer.

Boobs: a good push up bra works wonders.

But honestly, I don’t think people at work will care/notice. You’ve just created a new life!

If you still feel self conscious I’d look for a new job where appearance is less important.

I clearly remember my first day back at work after mat leave, I had my dress on back to front and my make up was smudged from the rain. My colleagues (all beautiful attractive women) were so kind.

This seems to be more about how you are feeling than anything else. Self esteem and confidence do take a battering after having a baby and also being away from work.You are being way too hard on yourself.You have Ed had some great suggestions from others- one thing I do know is it’s easy to criticise yourself and I bet no-one thinks the same as you about yourself xx

I wonder how men stay attractive without manicures, expensive haircuts, daily grooming with skin brushing and fake tan?

I think many men do all of that. Plus daily shaving, gelling their hair, exfoliating and moisturising. Manicuring their nails so they’re short and clean and well shaped.

Some use fake tan too, especially the younger ones I’ve noticed!

This is a sad thread. OP do you have money for private dental treatment, hairdresser, etc? Don't let the photo discourage you, I always look terrible in photos but people seem to find me appealing in real life!

I do also think talking to someone would help, as I imagine people with low confidence/self-esteem don't do well in your public-facing line of work regardless of what they look like.

Op, extremely personal question but do you want to have sex with your husband? Do you see yourself having an intimate relationship going forward?

Your DH sounds supportive, tell him how you feel.
People being praised for how they look is strange when you think about it, they are being praised for their genetics of the moment of conception during their parents hav sex and that one random sperm meeting an egg. Apart from weight and makeup/hair colour, there’s fuck all you can do to change genetics.
Do you enjoy your job? Can you change career to something you’ll enjoy more? Congratulations on your awesome body growing a tiny little human.

@NeilBuchananisBanksy

Op, extremely personal question but do you want to have sex with your husband? Do you see yourself having an intimate relationship going forward?

@NeilBuchananisBanksy

Op, extremely personal question but do you want to have sex with your husband? Do you see yourself having an intimate relationship going forward?

.

Why do people do this?

'Shall I give up my job because I don't like my body anymore?'

What's your job?

'Don't want to say.'