To give up my career because of my new body

[In321]

The field of work I am in, looks are important sadly. The prettier women do better, it’s really rubbish but it’s true. I’ve never been a ‘pretty’ woman but I’ve gotten through okay. I’ve been on maternity and had a baby and I look horrendous. My skin is very dry, dull and wrinkly. I have huge bags under my eyes and for some reason my teeth are hideous (I liked throughout my whole pregnancy so maybe that’s it?) I have accidentally lost weight through breastfeeding and my DCs allergies, but I am left with this big, soft, wobbly belly. I bought a new outfit the other day and thought I looked good and was feeling so happy about myself, but then I saw a picture of me with my DC after, and my face was hideous, just so awful looking, my breasts saggy and my belly sticking out. I just want to cry. I’m thinking about not going back to work (DC is 9 months but I’ve got another two months due to holiday left over) because I just know trying to get on around lots of beautiful, successful women is going to make me feel even more miserable. I see other mums and they look good, why do I look so awful? DC wakes to feed every few hours still so I’m not getting enough sleep and I keep forgetting to moisturise.

I am so happy being a mum but I look disgusting and I hate myself. Would it be so pathetic to quit work because of this and find a new job?

You're being far too harsh on yourself.
You've had a major life changing experience it takes time to bounce back.
Be nicer to yourself, drink plenty of water, have a rejuvenation facial.
There is lots of concealers and face illumination creams if it will make you feel better.
My breasts had large purple veins like a map and massive saucer nipples with a stomach jelly pouch for over a year.

If your role is one in the public eye, could you embrace the new you and be inspiration for others?

I have so much respect for women in the public eye who show their real bodies and aren't afraid to say 'I've had a baby or two, things are wobblier and I'm not ashamed of that'.

I guarantee you, you look nothing like as bad as you think. Those 'perfect women' around you are also probably bemoaning the bags under their eyes, their 'fat ankles', and 'wobbly stomachs' and 'wrinkles' that you don't even notice because you are not scrutinising those the way your scrutinise and critique your own features.

As others have said, find stuff that suits you now, and try to be kinder to yourself - I really don't think you should give up on your work on an assumption.

I also think men (in general) make a LOT less effort than women with their looks. And it seems like they don't need to/don't have to. But that's because we have been conditioned into thinking women must be looking perfect, and glamourous all the time.

No grey hairs, slim of course, perfect nails, shiny white teeth, and a skirt or dress and high heels to make her look 'feminine.'

Men however, they can age naturally, (and get a bit fat!) and it's perfectly OK! Even in Hollywood, (male) actors are acceptable/classed as attractive when they have wrinkles and lines, and a pot belly (dadbod anyone!) But actresses? They have to be perfect.. They have to have a totally smooth face and forehead, straight white teeth, not a single grey hair, and they must be super slim.

Check these pics out of Brad Pitt and Courteney Cox. Roughly the same age, but Brad is ageing naturally, and Courtney is botoxed and filled within an inch of her life. Without it, she would be vilified and demonised, because just how DARE any woman have the temerity to age?!!!

Even on here, you see posts time after time from women claiming people say they look 10 to 15 years younger, some even claim 20 years younger. Some say they are 42 and still get IDd for booze and cigarettes! Or that they are 39 and when they answered the door, the man at the door asked if her mommy was in. And then you get the 'how old do I look?' threads. From women desperately seeking validation of how YOUNG they look.

All these women are DESPERATE to tell people how 'young' they look, and how people think they are their daughter's sister, and other similar tales.

Society is OBSESSED with women looking younger, and looking perfect, and it pisses me off to the nth degree! I am just as bad myself! I have gained a stone since March, (and 2 stone since last October,) and feel SHIT about myself. I have been poring over photos of myself from summer 2018, when I was 2 stone lighter, and looked great in my size 12 outfit that I wore for a relative's wedding. I had a photo taken a few days ago, at the beach, and I looked fucking AWFUL!

DIET STARTS ON MONDAY!

DH has gained nearly 2 stone since last October too.

Doesn't give a shit. Still looks great.

@MintyMabel

I think 9/10ths of women looking attractive is grooming.

I wonder how men stay attractive without manicures, expensive haircuts, daily grooming with skin brushing and fake tan?

Men in the media probably do quite a lot of those things. I don't agree that it's mainly grooming though. It's the shape of your face and features unfortunately.

"Eye bag cream"

I don't think there's much evidence that cream can do anything to eye bags. Might as well just use any eye cream or moisturiser.

You are only 9 months post-partum OP! Please be kinder to yourself.

Are there little things you can change to help? Down loads of water everyday, moisturise religiously, get a haircut. Whiten your teeth if you need to!

Babies are all consuming and often leave no time for basic self-care. But you need to prioritise these little things that make you feel good, because it's obviously making you unhappy.

Whenever I'm feeling down about my weight post-baby (she's 13 months) I remind myself that my body MADE her. The thigh wobbles are just battle scars

I hope things improve soon OP, but don't make any rash decisions until you are feeling a bit happier in yourself and know it's the right thing to do.

@littlepattilou the job itself doesn’t really matter though does it? Surely all that matters is what I’ve said about it? I’m a steam train driver.

@NeilBuchananisBanksy I absolutely want to have sex with my DH again! I love him to bits and find him very attractive, I’m just feeling so low about myself that I’m so worried he won’t like the new me.

Thank you to everyone who is being kind and giving advice. I might try and sit down with DH today and tell him how I’m feeling. Maybe I need to speak to the health visitor too.

Definitely tell your husband how you’re feeling.

I have similar low confidence after 4 children! I’ve found buying nice nightdresses/negligees works for me and if I’m feeling too distracted/put off by my own body, I just keep it on for sex.

You will have many other qualities other than looks that make you good at your job. Remind yourself of all of them.

Try the health visitor but will most likely be a useless conversation unless she’s out of the ordinary...

Your baby finds you the most beautiful woman in the world.........isn't this the most important thing?
Be a lovely mum and forget about looks for a while.
As long as you keep yourself clean then this time is for your baby.
Build your family and your life will have love in it which is far more satisfying than having a pretty face.

Are you a train driver or was that comment in jest? It’s just that train drivers barely deal with the public, or even see their colleagues, it’s a pretty isolated job. I wouldn’t quit driving a train due to my appearance

Yes speak to your health visitor and hopefully it helps.
In the meantime don't worry, buy a good bra too it'll lift your breasts and your mood.

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. I think reaching out to your doctor or health visitor for support/counselling would be great. Also maybe read some books on feminism and body image. My body/face is in no way perfect but I've absolutely accepted my flaws and find satisfaction in my good bits. Feminism has really helped my relationship with my body

Haven't rtft so apologies if this has been mentioned but google diastasis recti

[quote In321]@Chocaholic9 no it’s not sex related at all. I don’t want to say what it is as I think that will become the main focus, but it’s very public facing and the public react so much better to an attractive face, I see it all the time. I saw a comment on a colleagues social media (work related account and post) and it just said about how pretty she is. I don’t know why but it happens a lot, the more attractive women are more successful due to the reaction from the public, nothing to do with the job itself or management etc. Weirdly enough, it doesn’t happen with the males in the same industry, no one seems to care what they look like. It’s very depressing. Doesn’t matter how good you are, the engagement with the prettier women is always higher and they’re more successful and that leads to better opportunities.
But that doesn’t mean they don’t work hard, I am not saying that they really do, but the prettier ladies do better than those of us who aren’t quite as physically blessed![/quote]
It's an MLM.

Congratulations on your awesome body growing a tiny little human.

I bet you’re a flight attendant. Never known such a ridiculously misogynist industry.

I’d get out now and retrain to be honest.

@littlepattilou
You're so right
We've been conditioned
Just look at friends reunion
All the female (years later) all look the same.
Joey has grown old gracefully ( got bigger)
The other 2 men not so much 🤣

@In321

Thank you to everyone who is being kind and giving advice. I might try and sit down with DH today and tell him how I’m feeling. Maybe I need to speak to the health visitor too.
^^^
Maybe - but maybe try a good beauty therapist first.
Have a facial.
Get your hair and make up done.
Buy a lovely new outfit - in your size for now.
That will definitely give you a boost.

Don’t you dare !
Things you can immediately do to start to feel better include

Spray tan or fake tan
A decent haircut
Get a decent supportive bra and comfortable underwear
Start light Pilates , it really helps with all post birth issues
With nice hair and new shoes you can pull off comfortable clothes
Drink loads of water
Loads !
Try and eat mainly plant based
Cut the booze and sugar

I’m not saying to do this to look pretty
But to get back in control of how you feel

But don’t quit work because it a
Major confidence blip
I implore you

It's an MLM

OP, if this is so, then it's not a career and this type of industry preys on people in your shoes. Don't feed it.

@JaniceBattersby

I bet you’re a flight attendant. Never known such a ridiculously misogynist industry.

I’d get out now and retrain to be honest.
^^

I though air cabin crew from the start.
When I was younger I wanted to do this
And my best friends dad said I wasn't glamorous enough (I was 13 )
Anyway years ago they used to weigh (the stewardesses) weekly and make them ware a corset

@Thisisworsethananticpated
Brilliant advice