To give up my career because of my new body

[In321]

The field of work I am in, looks are important sadly. The prettier women do better, it’s really rubbish but it’s true. I’ve never been a ‘pretty’ woman but I’ve gotten through okay. I’ve been on maternity and had a baby and I look horrendous. My skin is very dry, dull and wrinkly. I have huge bags under my eyes and for some reason my teeth are hideous (I liked throughout my whole pregnancy so maybe that’s it?) I have accidentally lost weight through breastfeeding and my DCs allergies, but I am left with this big, soft, wobbly belly. I bought a new outfit the other day and thought I looked good and was feeling so happy about myself, but then I saw a picture of me with my DC after, and my face was hideous, just so awful looking, my breasts saggy and my belly sticking out. I just want to cry. I’m thinking about not going back to work (DC is 9 months but I’ve got another two months due to holiday left over) because I just know trying to get on around lots of beautiful, successful women is going to make me feel even more miserable. I see other mums and they look good, why do I look so awful? DC wakes to feed every few hours still so I’m not getting enough sleep and I keep forgetting to moisturise.

I am so happy being a mum but I look disgusting and I hate myself. Would it be so pathetic to quit work because of this and find a new job?

This sounds like more than just your job based on your last post op.

I think it might be helpful for you to talk to someone about how you are feeling.

OP, I'm so sorry you're feeling so uncomfortable in yourself. Your DH sounds lovely. Of course there are lots of things you can do, eg get properly fitted for a good bra, start Pilates (depending on your budget of course). But you seem so despondent, do you think you're depressed as well? Worth talking to your GP if you have a decent one? I wonder if your hormones and vitamin levels are where they should be.

Are your assumptions correct though?

Do prettier women do better in this secret career?

I am thinking sex work or modelling, exotic dancing- topless waitressing?

I’m very fat with terrible teeth.

I’ve had so many jobs - public facing, beauty industry, hospitality etc and never found an issue.

I’m not saying it’s not an issue, but unless you’re a model I’m having trouble imagining what could impact you so badly at work.

Once when I was about 20 and living with my grandmother, I was depressed about going out looking ugly and fat . She told me to put some some makeup on, put some perfume on and find my favourite outfit and go out with my head held high. It had stood me in good stead ever since.

Agree with previous poster, this sounds more than a lack of confidence in returning to work. You have had a baby fairly recently and are having these feelings, perhaps its time to talk to a professional about them.

I agree that a properly fitted bra will make a difference. It hoicks your breasts up and gives you a nice waist . Get a great easy to manage haircut and if you do wear make up keep it minimal. I find dresses hide a multitude of sins. Please don’t make a rush decision to leave your job and disappear into being a mum due to a lack of confidence. I am not being disrespectful to mums who can and do choose to stay home with children. It’s an important job but it can be easy for the real you to disappear.

I understand the where you are at with your body. Your boobs will come back a bit again. In my experience it takes a good couple of years after breastfeeding to notice an improvement.

Things that have helped me are:

Eating better, this means spending more money on food for myself and not reserving all the good stuff for the DC.

Couch to 5K, I usually only manage once or twice a week, but it has made an absolutely massive difference to my soft sticking out stomach

Setting an alarm twice a day to do pelvic floor exercises has made a massive difference to bladder control (you may be fine with that)

Suncream, I use in place of moisturiser in the summer. Nothing is more effective at preventing wrinkles.

Working is really positive for me. I need to be doing something that doesn't relate to home and DC. It also gives me a pension and the ability to have some childcare in place and to pay for a cleaner once a week.

Are you able to go back into a less customer facing role initially and build your confidence?

A lot of us can relate to how your feeling. I used to cry and say I hated myself (appearance) I looked like a whole different person. It does get easier over time. When baby goes down at any point in the evening slap that cream or oil on
Your husband sounds great and very supportive.
I wouldn't make any big life changes when you're not feeling like yourself.
Please remember that it is still very early after having a baby and you're not alone. You've went through pregnancy, birth, recovery and a major life change being a mum.

We have very similar situations in terms of bf, frequent wakings, huge weight loss due to allergies, bad skin, tummy etc. I don't work in a 'pretty' field but I feel it nonetheless. My only advice is to do little things that might lift you. Pain nails, get some decent skin care, a hair cut (a change from what you had pre baby), new clothes. Your body does change and now is a time to shift your style. I was a voluptuous hourglass but now I'm more athletic build so getting a personal stylist to help you work that out will help hugely.

Have you been checked for post natal depression by your GP. This sounds like it may run deeper than just some changes to your body knocking your confidence.

I need to get a proofreader!

I honestly doubt you look anywhere near as bad as you're making out. Unless your job is in high end fashion I'm sure looks aren't the big deal you're making them out to be.I'd go back and see how it goes

The way you're describing yourself is a bit extreme. You sound depressed and like you've focused all the negative on your body. You need to start being kinder to yourself. Could you put dc in nursery 2 mornings a week for example, or ask family to babysit while you take a bit of time for yourself? Or book in a pamper day, I swear the first eyebrow threading I had after lockdown lifted up my whole face!! Get eyebrows, lashes, facial and nails and you'll feel miles better. Like some pp have said your style does change, I'm not going to be wearing a crop top ever again but high waisted styles work wonders and highlighting your best bits always helps. Plus start taking 5 minutes to do a bright lipstick and jewellery, makes a huge difference.

Can't you have 12months maternity leave, use these few months to excerise and eat better. Might make the difference to you wanting to go back to work.

@RedHelenB 👍😊

You sound quite low in your MH to me and I would recommend some counselling to help you get back on your feet. A wise person once said 'never make a big decision when you're on a low' which I think is great advice. Do your workplace offer any counselling through HR. It's usually confidential and no-one need know like bosses etc?

If it helps, my dc are 8 and 6 and I promise I look a lot better now than I did 5 years ago! The sleep deprivation and general chaos of tiny children didn't do me any favours at all. I'm sure you don't look as bad as you imagine but even if you do it's all reversible

I think you need to consider a new career, not because there is anything at all wrong with you but because your industry sounds toxic! How do older women fare? Are most of the senior manages male?

No idea what the job is so no idea

I’m sure you don’t look as bad as you think you are. That sounds very demanding feeding every couple of hours. Should this be with a nine month old as I’m presuming you’ve introduced solids? It sounds like severe sleep deprivation. I’m sure once your sleep pattern improves, you will start to feel better.

OP I know how your feeling I didn't have sex with my DH for months as I have a split abdominal muscles and now my once firm belly just sags!

I would say the things that improved my feelings about myself was really good properly fitting underwear for under my clothes. Didn't realise how my teabags boobs have actually stayed a DD from a B cup before pregnancy in a bra but my god the difference is fantastic.

I also bought a bit of sexy body shape wear for under dresses and negligees for at home.

It makes me feel 100% better as soon as I have it on and that confidence will come out with how you hold yourself and how you feel.
Honestly try it! Hotmilk have brilliant bras! Do a boob or bust measurement and trust what it says 😊

You're husband sounds brilliant.

You have so many things to work on, your view of yourself and your worth and your marriage. Your husband is being brilliant but you can't expect your marriage to survive long term if you keep rejecting him. No-one, man or woman, can thrive in a marriage like that and the relationship pages are full of threads of the unhappy outcomes of marriages like this.

A good counsellor (many are crap but a good one can really help to turn things around) may help you to recognise your negative thinking patterns and how to turn them around.

Pregnancy does change your body. As does age. You need to learn to accept these changes and, if you want a sex life, retain your sexual self. It is possible! (I'm two kids in and almost 50, I know!).

I doubt this is about your career - it sounds as if you have some kind of post-natal body dysmorphia.

The changes to your body from pregnancy can be disconcerting but you get used to them.

By all means change your job if the milieu is shallow and unsupportive. But this sounds more about you than them.

what is the deal with your teeth?

make a stand op,
love your body, your self, regardless

@AbsolutelyPatsy they’ve become really discoloured (apparently this can happen in pregnancy?) plus I’ve chipped a front one because I keep clenching them and I can’t get to see a dentist because the waiting list for mine is so long.

Maybe this more than just the job. I hate looking at myself and I am so gutted as I felt so good the other day with some mum friends and then I saw a picture and just felt so embarrassed about how terrible I looked, I feel like they were probably looking at me thinking ‘what the hell does she look like?’

I don’t know anything about good skincare or decent holding in underwear, so I’ll try and do some research about what is best brand wise.

I'm curious what sort of industry you're in, where you earn based on your looks, to the point where you feel you can't go back to work? I hope it's not sex work.