DP and trans child...what to do?

[Fiddlediddleriddle]

Ok so have NC'd for this, as I know it's emotive Subject for MN but I need some advice.

DS2 announced they were trans woman (so identify as a woman and that is how I will refer to them in this post from now on) nearly 2 years ago. I mean I say announced, she has asd and we have had 2 years of self harm, suicide attempts, school refusal. It's been hugely difficult for the whole family as you can imagine.

DP (not the father of my dc) hates it with a passion and does not support it. After lots of difficult times, will now not call dc after birth given name but won't use chosen name (even though this is a name that isn't gender specific).

Things are calmer, dd is now 16 and has plans for college, but it is unlikely that they will be independent enough to leave home certainly not without some supported or assisted living. My heart breaks when I think about how tough things are for her and how tough they will be especially being trans.

Last night dp asked something that I needed to mention dd to him. He ended up really cross as apparently I used female pronouns too often just to make a point and told me exactly how I could have phrased it differently. I didn't even notice...I mentioned the gender of my DS and it wasn't a problem as they are not trans. I was just making comment on something and used her and she because she is my child and I will love and support her whatever.

Dp was so cross with me. I apologised because it was late and I wanted to sleep and if I had defended myself and my child it would have caused an argument.

But I have woken up thinking...this is my life if I stay with this man. We have been together 8 years (known for longer) and if dd doesn't leave home for many years am I going to be expected to tiptoe round dp at all times when in my own home discussing my own child?

I don't know if DD will stay trans there are so many many issues but to me it doesn't matter I will love and support her whatever. We are on a waiting list for specialist counselling to help her unravel her feelings and she has support groups and CAMHS and school online support. Who knows what the future holds but she is my child, she is kind and gentle and so so funny and so so confused about herself and her life and desperately trying to find a place to fit in.

And yet in her own home she has a step parent who refuses to support her in the way she feels as he doesn't like it it is weird and it makes him feel uncomfortable.

What would you do if you were me? I do love him but I love my dc more.

I’d split up
I can only see more pain and sadness ahead
I’m so sorry
You probably know this already
Onwards looking after your child

Re Germaine Greer she quite publicly stated trans women aren’t women. JK Rowling also made some problematic statements around ‘people who menstruate’ and linking items on her shop to badges that said things like ‘notorious transphobe’ (there were a few more things too I believe, but she received quite a significant backlash for her comments)

On this thread the term ‘trans cult’ as been referenced.

FYI re
It’s anti Mumsnet to say it, but I fully support trans rights and trans acceptance and don’t tolerate transphobia in my day to day life

Loads of people feel this way
Myself included

@Sleeplessem

Re Germaine Greer she quite publicly stated trans women aren’t women. JK Rowling also made some problematic statements around ‘people who menstruate’ and linking items on her shop to badges that said things like ‘notorious transphobe’ (there were a few more things too I believe, but she received quite a significant backlash for her comments)

On this thread the term ‘trans cult’ as been referenced.

Seriously?

Trans women are men. If they were women they would have no need to transition.

Please elaborate on the “problematic statements” about menstruation. Preferably avoiding saying “I believe” and focusing on what you’ve actually read yourself, thanks.

We have very different opinions on Germaine Greer’s statements

You don’t get to police how I talk and you are being quite rude, I have read some of the comments that JK Rowling made, she tweeted the following ‘ “‘People who menstruate.’ I’m sure there used to be a word for those people. Someone help me out. Wumben? Wimpund? Woomud?”’ in response to an article that was on creating a more equal society for people who menstruate.

Also this wasn’t the purpose of OPs thread so I think that’s enough now

@Sleeplessem

Re Germaine Greer she quite publicly stated trans women aren’t women. JK Rowling also made some problematic statements around ‘people who menstruate’ and linking items on her shop to badges that said things like ‘notorious transphobe’ (there were a few more things too I believe, but she received quite a significant backlash for her comments)

On this thread the term ‘trans cult’ as been referenced.

They're not women.

And only women menstruate.

Stating facts isn't anti anything.

@Sleeplessem

Also this wasn’t the purpose of OPs thread so I think that’s enough now

I thought it wasn’t ok to police what people say on a thread?

You and anyone else are absolutely entitled to believe that trans women are actually women and that is the basis of a civilised society.

Believing it doesn’t make it true, however.

Please make sure that your child is not accessing anime or hentai pornography as that is a HUGE thing among teen ASD males that go on to "feel" female.

This is quite a helpful and important point. Don’t just accept your teen’s surface requests - there is a hugely troubled teen here that you have described and as a parent I don’t think any of us should be blindly ‘led’ by a 16 year old - do a bit of thinking behind their actions too. There are undiscussed common issues that could be at play.

Well there plenty of cis gender women who don’t menstruate, and there are trans men at various stages of transitioning that still menstruate. So it’s not as cut and dry as women menstruate

Your daughter comes first, I think you need to give your DP his marching orders

I've not read all the comments because well it's MN and as soon as anyone mentions trans, it just gets, well, awful. You've not asked for parenting advice, and you've obviously done your research. With regards to your DP, it would be done for me. He should be supportive. Fine he may disagree, but if she wants people to use female pronouns then what real difference does that make to his life. I wish you well OP. It must be incredibly tough.

Why has this thread gone down an anti trans road.
This is not the Op

@Sleeplessem

Well there plenty of cis gender women who don’t menstruate, and there are trans men at various stages of transitioning that still menstruate. So it’s not as cut and dry as women menstruate

Oh good grief!

She didn’t say all women menstruate! She said only women menstruate. Sure to goodness you can see the difference?

And the word “cis” is not generally used on here.

@Taliskerskye

Why has this thread gone down an anti trans road. This is not the Op

Has it?

@ThursdayWeld
Um ok.
Why has this thread gone off topic. Better

@Taliskerskye

Why has this thread gone down an anti trans road. This is not the Op

Please report any “anti-trans” posts and MNHQ will delete them.

@Warmduscher
You’re being obtuse. And you know it. I feel very sorry for the op. Dealing with all of this.
Who knows even how she feels about transgender.
She asked a specific question about her child.

@Fiddlediddleriddle I'm sorry but I haven't RTFT however I am in a similar position to you albeit with a supportive and loving DH who accepts our daughters new identity.

She told us she was trans 2 years ago, she is also 16, asd, adhd and school refuser. The love and support that both me and DH have given her has helped tremendously (even though DH isn't her bio dad).

If he had reacted in the same way as your DP I would have been out of here straight away with both DC. The two years prior to her coming out were very similar to your experiences with frequent anger outbursts, self harming and an overdose. She is so so much happier now with the family support.

You really need to put her first as she is going through so many mixed emotions and so much turmoil and I'm sorry but if your DP is behaving like that then he needs to go.

Sending love and support to your new DD x

[quote Taliskerskye]@Warmduscher
You’re being obtuse. And you know it. I feel very sorry for the op. Dealing with all of this.
Who knows even how she feels about transgender.
She asked a specific question about her child.[/quote]
It’s hardly obtuse to remind someone of talk guidelines when they’re accusing posters on this thread of being anti-trans, which in my case is insulting and untrue.

I think you may have missed the point that the OP said her child is trans. That’s the specific thing that is causing the issue with her partner, who pretty much everyone on this thread has said is behaving unacceptably.

@Sleeplessem

Well there plenty of cis gender women who don’t menstruate, and there are trans men at various stages of transitioning that still menstruate. So it’s not as cut and dry as women menstruate

Only women menstruate is not the same as all women menstruate. And as transmen are indeed women it's no surprise that some menstruate.

@Warmduscher all the comments I’ve read from you are anti-trans and offensive. Hth.

Moving on...

The OP has NOT asked for parenting advice, so pp making suggestions about cartoons etc are really over stepping boundaries / out of their depth.

@Warmduscher
Okie dokie love
I’m happy to be chill and help people in their individual experience

You seem on a hobby horse.

Do you have a trans child?

@Warmduscher
Also I didn’t accuse ANYONE of being anti trans.
I made a general point about the way the thread had turned.
You’re bonkers
Get off the gin

@Taliskerskye honestly you're fighting a losing battle. I've seen a fair few trans MN posts and honestly they've been horrific. What one seems as "anti-trans" MN does not agree. Really there's no point.

I hope you're okay OP.