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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP and trans child...what to do?

422 replies

Fiddlediddleriddle · 04/06/2021 07:40

Ok so have NC'd for this, as I know it's emotive Subject for MN but I need some advice.

DS2 announced they were trans woman (so identify as a woman and that is how I will refer to them in this post from now on) nearly 2 years ago. I mean I say announced, she has asd and we have had 2 years of self harm, suicide attempts, school refusal. It's been hugely difficult for the whole family as you can imagine.

DP (not the father of my dc) hates it with a passion and does not support it. After lots of difficult times, will now not call dc after birth given name but won't use chosen name (even though this is a name that isn't gender specific).

Things are calmer, dd is now 16 and has plans for college, but it is unlikely that they will be independent enough to leave home certainly not without some supported or assisted living. My heart breaks when I think about how tough things are for her and how tough they will be especially being trans.

Last night dp asked something that I needed to mention dd to him. He ended up really cross as apparently I used female pronouns too often just to make a point and told me exactly how I could have phrased it differently. I didn't even notice...I mentioned the gender of my DS and it wasn't a problem as they are not trans. I was just making comment on something and used her and she because she is my child and I will love and support her whatever.

Dp was so cross with me. I apologised because it was late and I wanted to sleep and if I had defended myself and my child it would have caused an argument.

But I have woken up thinking...this is my life if I stay with this man. We have been together 8 years (known for longer) and if dd doesn't leave home for many years am I going to be expected to tiptoe round dp at all times when in my own home discussing my own child?

I don't know if DD will stay trans there are so many many issues but to me it doesn't matter I will love and support her whatever. We are on a waiting list for specialist counselling to help her unravel her feelings and she has support groups and CAMHS and school online support. Who knows what the future holds but she is my child, she is kind and gentle and so so funny and so so confused about herself and her life and desperately trying to find a place to fit in.

And yet in her own home she has a step parent who refuses to support her in the way she feels as he doesn't like it it is weird and it makes him feel uncomfortable.

What would you do if you were me? I do love him but I love my dc more.

OP posts:
Carrotinsaladiswrong · 04/06/2021 17:42

I was once that child. I’m not trans nor ASD but I was mentally unwell as a teenager. My Mothers DP hated me. He was very subtle about it for years hence my mother staying with him for over a decade but he got to a point he could no longer hide it, my mother recalls mid argument he pointed to my bedroom and called me “That!”. No name, no pronoun, no nothing. I was just “That.” She left him promptly and divorced him. I hadn’t left my bedroom for months when he was home, I wouldn’t even go to the bathroom when he was around out of fear of confrontation. The morning after he left, I was downstairs to say goodbye to my sister as she left for school, I had not done that in years.

In short, you know what you need to do, and what you should do. He is very much in the wrong trans issue aside.

Hagqueen · 04/06/2021 17:46

It’s anti Mumsnet to say it, but I fully support trans rights and trans acceptance and don’t tolerate transphobia in my day to day life.

If this were my daughter, I would leave this man. He is disgusting. Its OK to find the change hard, its OK to make mistakes but its not OK to not acknowledge her.

Taliskerskye · 04/06/2021 17:49

I also get the impression your dp doesn’t like your DD for many more reasons than this.

RufustheBadgeringReindeer · 04/06/2021 18:11

It’s anti Mumsnet to say it, but I fully support trans rights and trans acceptance and don’t tolerate transphobia in my day to day life

Its not anti mumsnet in the slightest, lots of people feel the same way

CatsArePeople · 04/06/2021 18:12

I know you should always put the child ahead of the partner. But i wouldn't want to thow my relationship down the toilet for the kids' transness. but i'm a terf

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/06/2021 18:20

You are right to support your child, and he is utterly wrong to act as he is.

His attitude to your Dd will be making it 100%!worse.
You need to get rid of him ASAP and show your Dd whose side you are on.

MiaRoma · 04/06/2021 18:21

I'm really really surprised that you have to ask what to do.

Hagqueen · 04/06/2021 18:22

@RufustheBadgeringReindeer glad to hear that, but the vast amount of trans outrage threads suggest that its an overwhelming number of users.

Sam0207 · 04/06/2021 18:28

@Fiddlediddleriddle
I have a Trans son. Who also has ASD and significant MH issues and who will need to stay at home far longer. I don't have a DP so I can't comment on that but.....
DS is my absolute priority. He has to be. I couldn't and wouldn't expect my DS to live in a home where he can not be himself.
There's an employment tribunal going on atm, where the decision handed down will determine where someone can knowingly and legally mis gender a Trans person. Should be interesting.

I haven't read through the posts but there's usually a lot of gendercritical noise on trans threads. I just wanted to let you know there is another parent out here. Anyone who would like to judge me and me DS can walk a mile in our shoes and then fuck off and walk a mile in the other direction!

🏳️‍⚧️

fantastaballs · 04/06/2021 18:31

Op, I would choose my child over my partner anytime and I have done in the past.

In other things, I have had two sons with additional needs (asd, add) present to me as trans and wanting to be called girls etc. Please make sure that your child is not accessing anime or hentai pornography as that is a HUGE thing among teen ASD males that go on to "feel" female. It's a horrific mess and I can't even begin to go through the horrors I've experienced with my two (now adult) gay sons - that thank God, are no longer trans. I would have been devastated to see them taking cross sex hormones, having healthy body parts amputated etc. A non affirming , watchful waiting type of counsellor worked wonders for us. But it cost a fortune and the last five years have been bloody awful for our family.

RufustheBadgeringReindeer · 04/06/2021 18:40

[quote Hagqueen]@RufustheBadgeringReindeer glad to hear that, but the vast amount of trans outrage threads suggest that its an overwhelming number of users.[/quote]
I still don’t think so

There are thousands of people on mumsnet and there certainly aren’t that many on the threads

But i think we’ll have to agree to disagree Wine

Avaynia · 04/06/2021 18:41

[quote Hagqueen]@RufustheBadgeringReindeer glad to hear that, but the vast amount of trans outrage threads suggest that its an overwhelming number of users.[/quote]
A lot of "feminists" on here will throw every other women's issue under the bus just to hate trans women. And if every person who said they weren't going to comment on the trans issue actually didn't intend to comment on it, they wouldn't have made the point of saying, "no comment." Which means they're announcing they agree with him without actually saying it. Otherwise, why make a point of announcing that you're not commenting on it. They're just not taking over the thread about it for once, which I guess is nice.

But that's not why we're here. Op I think you are right to support your daughter and even if the disagreement were something else, his behavior is not okay. It's not worth it to stay with him for you or your children's sakes. Disagreeing and having a conversation about it is not the same as refusing to use her name or picking a fight when you use she/her pronouns. For as hard as it might be, I think you'd be better off without this man in your life. You love your children more. I think that's the answer. I wish you luck. It is a very tough position to be in Flowers

FrippEnos · 04/06/2021 18:44

[quote Hagqueen]@RufustheBadgeringReindeer glad to hear that, but the vast amount of trans outrage threads suggest that its an overwhelming number of users.[/quote]
IMO the "outrage" is because MN is one of the few places where trans can actually be discussed.

Although many of the trans lobby have tried to stop discussion here.

MyOldDutch · 04/06/2021 20:03

Of course you'll put your child first. You've chosen a path which I'd burn before walking down, but I understand your need to prioritise your kid nonetheless. What else can you do? You can't make your partner believe in transgender ideology, and he has an equal right to speak his mind and eschew untruths. Respect should work both ways, and censoring disagreement or dissent from other adults rarely ends well but transgender ideology is wholly uncompromising.

You very much seem to feel your man has to go and I can't think of an alternative approach. Note I didn't say 'an alternative solution. I don't think you'll find that dumping your partner will be any kind of magic bullet. Tragically, you'll have the same problems going forward, just without him. It will be tough going. I hope that all of you come out of this situation healthy in mind and body, and without regrets.

Warmduscher · 04/06/2021 20:54

A lot of "feminists" on here will throw every other women's issue under the bus just to hate trans women.

What unmitigated bullshit.

And the word feminist is a real word. You don’t need to put speech marks around it.

FrippEnos · 04/06/2021 21:02

Warmduscher

I think that the quotes are more to do with those not adhering to the trans ideology not being real feminists.

Its the usual bull

Sleeplessem · 04/06/2021 21:03

@Warmduscher disagree there are many women who claim to be feminists that are transphobic and have a very anti trans bias. I believe that’s why it was written as ‘feminists’

Warmduscher · 04/06/2021 21:04

[quote Sleeplessem]@Warmduscher disagree there are many women who claim to be feminists that are transphobic and have a very anti trans bias. I believe that’s why it was written as ‘feminists’[/quote]
Link?

Sleeplessem · 04/06/2021 21:05

@Warmduscher link to transphobic feminists?

Warmduscher · 04/06/2021 21:09

[quote Sleeplessem]@Warmduscher link to transphobic feminists?[/quote]
Link to evidence to support the statement in your post that I quoted.

Bizawit · 04/06/2021 21:10

Wow so impressed with the supportive comments on this thread. Read the initial post and I suspected the usual dumpster fire to ensue at the mention of the word “trans” on mumsnet.

YANBU OP. Your daughter comes first. Your DP sounds awful Flowers

Sleeplessem · 04/06/2021 21:13

@Warmduscher there are a few examples that have been in the media lately (past few years) of very prominent feminists in the public eye that have a very anti trans stance, Germaine Greer being one, JK Rowling another.

I’m sure you can find a few examples on this thread too!

Roomonb · 04/06/2021 21:14

I’m definitely gender critical but I don’t think this is an issue about your child being trans. your child comes first and it sounds like they have had an awfully tough time, they need support and care and to not feel judged. I couldn’t tolerate a partner talking about my child in that way. I hope your child is ok 💐 .

Wrongsideofhistorymyarse · 04/06/2021 21:23

[quote Sleeplessem]@Warmduscher there are a few examples that have been in the media lately (past few years) of very prominent feminists in the public eye that have a very anti trans stance, Germaine Greer being one, JK Rowling another.

I’m sure you can find a few examples on this thread too![/quote]
In what way are either Germaine Greer or JK Rowling 'anti-trans'? That's a nasty accusation to make.

And what are the 'anti-trans' views on this thread? If you're convinced this thread is full of them I'm sure it'll be easy to quote one or two.

Warmduscher · 04/06/2021 21:23

[quote Sleeplessem]@Warmduscher there are a few examples that have been in the media lately (past few years) of very prominent feminists in the public eye that have a very anti trans stance, Germaine Greer being one, JK Rowling another.

I’m sure you can find a few examples on this thread too![/quote]
What exactly was it that JK Rowling said that was transphobic? A quote from her that indicates she hates and fears trans people?

(And please don’t @ me. I’m on the thread - thanks).