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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP and trans child...what to do?

422 replies

Fiddlediddleriddle · 04/06/2021 07:40

Ok so have NC'd for this, as I know it's emotive Subject for MN but I need some advice.

DS2 announced they were trans woman (so identify as a woman and that is how I will refer to them in this post from now on) nearly 2 years ago. I mean I say announced, she has asd and we have had 2 years of self harm, suicide attempts, school refusal. It's been hugely difficult for the whole family as you can imagine.

DP (not the father of my dc) hates it with a passion and does not support it. After lots of difficult times, will now not call dc after birth given name but won't use chosen name (even though this is a name that isn't gender specific).

Things are calmer, dd is now 16 and has plans for college, but it is unlikely that they will be independent enough to leave home certainly not without some supported or assisted living. My heart breaks when I think about how tough things are for her and how tough they will be especially being trans.

Last night dp asked something that I needed to mention dd to him. He ended up really cross as apparently I used female pronouns too often just to make a point and told me exactly how I could have phrased it differently. I didn't even notice...I mentioned the gender of my DS and it wasn't a problem as they are not trans. I was just making comment on something and used her and she because she is my child and I will love and support her whatever.

Dp was so cross with me. I apologised because it was late and I wanted to sleep and if I had defended myself and my child it would have caused an argument.

But I have woken up thinking...this is my life if I stay with this man. We have been together 8 years (known for longer) and if dd doesn't leave home for many years am I going to be expected to tiptoe round dp at all times when in my own home discussing my own child?

I don't know if DD will stay trans there are so many many issues but to me it doesn't matter I will love and support her whatever. We are on a waiting list for specialist counselling to help her unravel her feelings and she has support groups and CAMHS and school online support. Who knows what the future holds but she is my child, she is kind and gentle and so so funny and so so confused about herself and her life and desperately trying to find a place to fit in.

And yet in her own home she has a step parent who refuses to support her in the way she feels as he doesn't like it it is weird and it makes him feel uncomfortable.

What would you do if you were me? I do love him but I love my dc more.

OP posts:

NC276 · 04/06/2021 22:25

*deems

Warmduscher · 04/06/2021 22:26

Warmduscher all the comments I’ve read from you are anti-trans and offensive. Hth.

Then report them to MNHQ.

Taliskerskye · 04/06/2021 22:27

@NC276
Aye. I know it. For some reason it annoyed me so much. This isn’t actually really a thread about trans. This is a thread about how a stepdad treats a stepdaughter

Christmasfairy2020 · 04/06/2021 22:28

Trans matter aside. However I do often wonder why people with asd are more likely to identify as gender neutral or trans? Anyone know why?

You should support your son in how he wishes to be addressed. However if he chose to use the ladies toilets then I can understand why your partner can be upset. Always pick your child

NC276 · 04/06/2021 22:29

@Taliskerskye I feel you. I've spent many an hour getting frustrated by comments like the ones on this thread. And like you say, OP wasn't asking on how to make her child not trans. I can't eye roll enough.

NC276 · 04/06/2021 22:30

It so annoys me 😂😂. I can't do threads like this....

Taliskerskye · 04/06/2021 22:32

@NC276
The problem is, it just hurts the OP
awhi is desperately dealing with enough

TheChiefJo · 04/06/2021 22:34

@NC276

It so annoys me 😂😂. I can't do threads like this....

You are derailing as well.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 04/06/2021 22:37

Put your child first ffs. How hard it that?!

NC276 · 04/06/2021 22:38

@TheChiefJo I'm derailing? I'm sure without my comment though, it would've been really helpful answers to the OP's actual question. Apologies.

Bizawit · 04/06/2021 22:43

@Warmduscher

Warmduscher all the comments I’ve read from you are anti-trans and offensive. Hth.

Then report them to MNHQ.

MNHQ are the arbiters of what is allowed on mumsnet. They are not any kind of legitimate authority on what is anti-trans/ offensive to trans people.

TheChiefJo · 04/06/2021 22:44

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel

Put your child first ffs. How hard it that?!

Thing is, in a family, there are several people with occasionally competing needs. Some are clear and obvious, some less clear. Sometimes adults don't agree on the exact approach to take on a thing even when they both do have a child's best interests equally at heart.

I think OP needed confirmation of her fears. I also think she's been given it.

Her DP doesn't only disagree on an approach but is actively undermining her DC's welfare. He's hostile.

In short, it isn't always as easy as we think it should be.

Good luck to OP and her DD.

sanluca · 04/06/2021 22:45

Aside from never let a parent or step parent bully a child, any idea, OP, why your DP is so against your child stating they are transgender? Is it the fact they are saying it? Is it that your child believes they can actually change their sex? Or that your child manipulates the situation? Sounds awful I know to say that about a child with mental health problems, but I have seen how that can destroy a family when it used to sabotage and get their own way. It is hard to walk on eggshells, however much you love your child or sibling. It just is.

I would strongly suggest family councilling if you want to try and keep the relationship or if your other child has strong feelings on the matter. If not, then he can leave.

Sweatycracks · 04/06/2021 22:46

I couldn’t live like this.

He either supports your child or off he fucks.

If you don’t support her you will lose her and she needs you more than ever right now.

Warmduscher · 04/06/2021 22:49

MNHQ are the arbiters of what is allowed on mumsnet. They are not any kind of legitimate authority on what is anti-trans/ offensive to trans people.

Read the talk guidelines. Transphobic comments aren’t allowed.

Unless you’re saying MNHQ allow transphobic posts? Or that there are several different definitions of transphobia and MNHQ’s definition is the wrong one?

KeyBored · 04/06/2021 22:51

Please make sure that your child is not accessing anime or hentai pornography as that is a HUGE thing among teen ASD males

Just coming on here to second/third this. It’s a route you really don’t want your child to take.

CrazyNeighbour · 04/06/2021 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bizawit · 04/06/2021 22:56

@Warmduscher

MNHQ are the arbiters of what is allowed on mumsnet. They are not any kind of legitimate authority on what is anti-trans/ offensive to trans people.

Read the talk guidelines. Transphobic comments aren’t allowed.

Unless you’re saying MNHQ allow transphobic posts? Or that there are several different definitions of transphobia and MNHQ’s definition is the wrong one?

I am saying that all kinds of deeply offensive / prejudiced / hurtful-to-trans-people comments are allowed on mumsnet / tolerated within the guidelines, yes. Including at least one comment you have made on this thread. I haven’t bothered reporting it to mumsnet because I know that kind of comment is allowed/ tolerated/ considered acceptable by MNHQ. Doesn’t mean it’s not anti-trans/ transphobic.

Warmduscher · 04/06/2021 22:59

So you are saying that MNHQ allows transphobic comments. Thanks for clarifying.

Taliskerskye · 04/06/2021 23:00

How sad this thread become about anti trans

I’m personally slightly gender critical, but FML, this thread has made me think some people really don’t live in the real world.

Sleeplessem · 04/06/2021 23:01

I’m not sure how an article on better access to sanitary products could create a worse world for all females?

As to the second part of your comment, literally not a clue what you are trying to say...

Bizawit · 04/06/2021 23:02

@Warmduscher

So you are saying that MNHQ allows transphobic comments. Thanks for clarifying.

Yes. I think that was clear from the start. 🙄

Sleeplessem · 04/06/2021 23:02

100% with you here. There is a distinct anti trans aroma wafting from that specific users comments, that can’t be helpful or kind for OP to read

Taliskerskye · 04/06/2021 23:03

@Warmduscher
It’s highly likely that the op will never come back.
So getting her to head your agenda has failed. And now your just spouting at randoms on the Internet who care neither one way or the other.

Warmduscher · 04/06/2021 23:07

[quote Taliskerskye]@Warmduscher
It’s highly likely that the op will never come back.
So getting her to head your agenda has failed. And now your just spouting at randoms on the Internet who care neither one way or the other.[/quote]
Isn’t the whole point of forums like MN that we’re all randoms on the internet?

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