DP and trans child...what to do?

[Fiddlediddleriddle]

Ok so have NC'd for this, as I know it's emotive Subject for MN but I need some advice.

DS2 announced they were trans woman (so identify as a woman and that is how I will refer to them in this post from now on) nearly 2 years ago. I mean I say announced, she has asd and we have had 2 years of self harm, suicide attempts, school refusal. It's been hugely difficult for the whole family as you can imagine.

DP (not the father of my dc) hates it with a passion and does not support it. After lots of difficult times, will now not call dc after birth given name but won't use chosen name (even though this is a name that isn't gender specific).

Things are calmer, dd is now 16 and has plans for college, but it is unlikely that they will be independent enough to leave home certainly not without some supported or assisted living. My heart breaks when I think about how tough things are for her and how tough they will be especially being trans.

Last night dp asked something that I needed to mention dd to him. He ended up really cross as apparently I used female pronouns too often just to make a point and told me exactly how I could have phrased it differently. I didn't even notice...I mentioned the gender of my DS and it wasn't a problem as they are not trans. I was just making comment on something and used her and she because she is my child and I will love and support her whatever.

Dp was so cross with me. I apologised because it was late and I wanted to sleep and if I had defended myself and my child it would have caused an argument.

But I have woken up thinking...this is my life if I stay with this man. We have been together 8 years (known for longer) and if dd doesn't leave home for many years am I going to be expected to tiptoe round dp at all times when in my own home discussing my own child?

I don't know if DD will stay trans there are so many many issues but to me it doesn't matter I will love and support her whatever. We are on a waiting list for specialist counselling to help her unravel her feelings and she has support groups and CAMHS and school online support. Who knows what the future holds but she is my child, she is kind and gentle and so so funny and so so confused about herself and her life and desperately trying to find a place to fit in.

And yet in her own home she has a step parent who refuses to support her in the way she feels as he doesn't like it it is weird and it makes him feel uncomfortable.

What would you do if you were me? I do love him but I love my dc more.

@soreenqueen21 of course my credentials are real and whilst I don’t doubt that children with ASD are particularly vulnerable in the wider sense, sense to asset there is a ‘trans cult’ is pretty dire and vocab of the daily Mail.

Ps. If you want to talk about research I’d suggest peer reviewed studies over the feminism section on mumsnet

So what you’re cross about is the fact that, while everyone agrees the partner’s behaviour is unacceptable, some posters have also commented that unconditional affirmation may not be the right path for every young person who says they are trans.

That’s an ok view to hold, surely? Or are we back to #nodebate in another guise?

I get, from your odd posts to me, that reading comprehension probably isn't your strong point so I won't go on too much, I'll just point out that I said nothing even vaguely like that, and was referring to the posters who were understanding of his bullying behaviour.

I don't believe anyone should bully a kid for any reason, especially in their own home.

If you're looking for an argument, you won't find one with me. Have a lovely rest of your day

I’d lay it all out to him. He doesn’t have to agree with everything he just has to be respectful of the choice to change names etc. I’d tell him exactly what you’ve told us that you love him but you have to out your child first and you cannot live with this sort of stress and disrespect towards your child.

It's not even a trans issue. If someone treated my child with such disrespect I couldn't stay in a relationship with them.

@soreenqueen21 ugh.

I do understand. The trans community has a higher prevalence of asd than the wider population. There are several hypotheses as to why, one being that individuals with asd as perhaps less likely to feel constrained by societal pressures so arguably more likely to ‘come out’.

However my point is that the term trans cult is prejudice and offensive

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

The people falling over themselves to stick up for this bully of a man because they agree with his views on trans issues are ridiculous.

The op was talking about her child in a way she was comfortable with, this man then got cross, told her what she should have said, and then got her to feel like she did something wrong so she apologised.

He won't even use the kids name in their own house ffs.

Regardless of what it is about this is bullying behaviour, towards op, and her child.

Mate, think you've posted on the wrong thread! I can't see ONE post supporting the dh, all are supportive of the OP and her kid.

Not the result you were expecting huh?

You need to put your child first, always. Even though DH is the Father of my DC, he knows he’d always come second to them so if he ever mistreated them I would leave him in a flash.

My Mum stayed with my stepdad for years even though she knew he was beating and bullying me. I never really forgave her and our relationship never healed. You need to let your DD know she’s the most important person and that you support her above all else. Your ‘D’P sounds like a twat tbh.

You do need to support your child through this however it ends, that will be part of her understanding herself and what is right for her. I can't understand parents that wouldn't. Whether you agree with it or not the kids need help, support and guidance to make the right decisions. Otherwise what, they get left to try and do this on their own and you wouldn't know who is influencing their decisions. You are doing the right thing by her. As for your partner if he didn't want to discuss it or help fine that would be ok to a point not being her Dad but to not even call her by a name in her own home, no he doesn't get that choice and make her that uncomfortable. I'd pack his bags for him.

I don't agree with your parenting choice with the trans issue but you do need to put your child first. Your partner cannot be allowed to treat your child poorly and you can't let him make you feel like shite.

Taking the trans issue out of it, this is too big of an incompatibility.

Even if your child were to move out of the home tomorrow, as it stands, you wouldn't be able to speak your child's name or refer to them without potential problems. That's no kind of life, tiptoeing through a minefield in your own home, with people who are supposed to be your support network.

Your child will be your child for as long as you live, and if you can't even speak about your child to your partner, he's no much of a partner.

Mate, think you've posted on the wrong thread! I can't see ONE post supporting the dh, all are supportive of the OP and her kid.

Not the result you were expecting huh?

You can't see ONE post on the thread suggesting he has a point? Not one suggesting that they simply need to discuss his bullying behaviour and get to the bottom of it? Not a single one minimising his bullying as frustration with the trans situation?

Not a single one?

We must be reading different threads mate. 🤣

Whatever your child is going through, your child should always be comfortable at home. We sometimes make jokes about safe spaces, but home really is supposed to be a safe space. Even if he doesn’t agree with transition, your partner is still faced with a child in pain whose needs are paramount. If he can’t do something as simple as use the child’s preferred name at home, your partner needs to leave.

Is there a possibility that your child might feel more comfortable being their birth "gender" if/when your DP departs?
I'm wondering whether the lack of sympathy between them is playing a large part of your child's desire to be a new persona.
To put it bluntly, being a "man" is not appealing when the man in the house is so unpleasant
I wonder whether some of the gender dysphoria is to do with trauma around the stepfather and your being pulled in two directions.
Every child needs to feel supported but in this case your child is exacerbating an already possibly dysfunctional triangle. 16 is very young to be in such a position of power. I'm not saying it is deliberate, it is distress but your child needs some change to happen to feel better, maybe this is why they are pursuing such a divisive course (ie changing gender)
I am GC btw.

I get, from your odd posts to me, that reading comprehension probably isn't your strong point so I won't go on too much

Goodness, how rude are you with your passive-aggressive “have a nice day” and smiley face!

I don’t often use this saying, but it really resonates with your problem.
Blood is thicker than water.
In a year anything could happen between you and a romantic partner. In a year, 5, 10 infinity, she will always be your child.

I wouldn't even be friends with such a person let alone share a bed with them. It's an awful way to treat someone you Love.

Endofether

IMO you are mistaking concern for a child as lack of empathy.

As it stands at the moment a child can make decisions that can destroy their body and mind.

Most of us are not so bothered about trans its that no one is allowed to have a differing view without being called a transphobe.

Sex and gender are two different things, strangely enough you can accept both.

I think you need to look at this from an outside perspective- if you werent already with him, would you choose this relationship now, knowing what you know?

If the answer is no then i think splitting is necessary.

And you dont need the DP problem now. He isnt being supportive of you either because if he was then he wouldnt have picked this fight.

In a way, the trans thing is a bit of a red herring. It's the least of your child's complex problems, but right now by being "she" instead of "he", whatever the underlying cause, your child has found some peace, so I absolutey see why you are rolling with it.

Buuuut it might not be the best thing for your child in the long term. With complex mental health problems, so serious that you don't anticipate them ever living independently, it's not surprising that your child has (with a vast amount of online encouragement from people with their own agendas to push - and with little ability of their own to discriminate between internet madness and reality) picked being trans as the "solution", with little ability to weigh up the consequences. You mention yourself that it came a bit out of the blue.

I agree with what @RedToothBrush says above - my feeling is that you have to put kids first, but this is so all consuming that it creates problems and why the ideology is so toxic and the lack of adequate safeguarding is appalling. The kids are victims to stereotyping and sexualisation without the ability to fully understand the implications. And the pattern of gay/autistic kids being more likely to come out as trans (and subsequently desist) isn't been taken seriously.

Although @Nettleskeins makes an interesting point above too - your DP is modelling a kind of masculinity that your child wants no part of.

Is there anything else going on? A possible history of abuse? How long has your partner been a member of your family?

Broadly, I agree with your DP that blind, unquestioning affirmation of your child's trans identity is not ideal, but I honestly don't know what the safe alternative is, with such a fragile child. I presume you have significant outside support? Can they advise without defaulting to affirmation?

@crosspelican

I posted earlier as I have a ftm 17 year old. Believe me no one is allowed to question it. I received a letter this morning referring my dc to the Portman based on a thirty minute call where my dc wouldn't even go on camera. I have no problem with sexuality, gender etc. What I do have is this blind acceptance of one course of action.
What happened to why?
@Fiddlediddleriddle
You have a huge journey ahead of you. If your partner is not supportive that won't help. Read some forums but don't get pushed into beating the drum. I have employed two mtf ladies in my time. I don't think of them as any other way.
However my daughter self harms, has tried to take her own life and is generally unhappy. She was attacked. It has had a profound effect on her.
Has anybody offered help for her trauma? have they feck. I didn't see the request for transitioning coming, did you?

Your first job as a parent is to protect your child no matter what.
Your DP is an arsehole.
Your dd is 16 therefore she can now legally have medical treatment without your approval. This means blockers and any other medicine that may be available. However i think your have to be 18 for surgery.

You should support your dd with whatever she needs. Emotional support would be needed throughout.
Whether your dd decides to transition or not this is a scary time for her. She is a person and we all need support and kindness.
Transwomen are more likely to get bullied and assaulted as there are so many idiots in the world.

This will be a stressful time for you both.
As some who has gone through the process without support i hope you will be there for your child.

@Sumerisicumenin

What would you do if you were me? I do love him but I love my dc more

Whatever you decide to do, I’m 100% behind you for this statement.
Over and over again, online and in real life, I meet parents who don’t have that clarity or who choose a partner over their child.

Actions speak louder than words though...