DP and trans child...what to do?

[Fiddlediddleriddle]

Ok so have NC'd for this, as I know it's emotive Subject for MN but I need some advice.

DS2 announced they were trans woman (so identify as a woman and that is how I will refer to them in this post from now on) nearly 2 years ago. I mean I say announced, she has asd and we have had 2 years of self harm, suicide attempts, school refusal. It's been hugely difficult for the whole family as you can imagine.

DP (not the father of my dc) hates it with a passion and does not support it. After lots of difficult times, will now not call dc after birth given name but won't use chosen name (even though this is a name that isn't gender specific).

Things are calmer, dd is now 16 and has plans for college, but it is unlikely that they will be independent enough to leave home certainly not without some supported or assisted living. My heart breaks when I think about how tough things are for her and how tough they will be especially being trans.

Last night dp asked something that I needed to mention dd to him. He ended up really cross as apparently I used female pronouns too often just to make a point and told me exactly how I could have phrased it differently. I didn't even notice...I mentioned the gender of my DS and it wasn't a problem as they are not trans. I was just making comment on something and used her and she because she is my child and I will love and support her whatever.

Dp was so cross with me. I apologised because it was late and I wanted to sleep and if I had defended myself and my child it would have caused an argument.

But I have woken up thinking...this is my life if I stay with this man. We have been together 8 years (known for longer) and if dd doesn't leave home for many years am I going to be expected to tiptoe round dp at all times when in my own home discussing my own child?

I don't know if DD will stay trans there are so many many issues but to me it doesn't matter I will love and support her whatever. We are on a waiting list for specialist counselling to help her unravel her feelings and she has support groups and CAMHS and school online support. Who knows what the future holds but she is my child, she is kind and gentle and so so funny and so so confused about herself and her life and desperately trying to find a place to fit in.

And yet in her own home she has a step parent who refuses to support her in the way she feels as he doesn't like it it is weird and it makes him feel uncomfortable.

What would you do if you were me? I do love him but I love my dc more.

@Warmduscher
You win
Congrats
Sad really.

The issue with ASD kids is that once they get an idea they feel strongly about (due to their inflexibility/rigidity of thought) you run the risk of affirming their beliefs e.g: trans/born in the wrong body and thus you go in a marigold round with treatment, doctors and they become stuck-so ingrained in their views. Whereas their feeling of difference could be just their Autism and understanding how this manifest within themselves. You have to be so so so careful with Autistic individuals.

Taliskerskye

As you say that you are "slightly gender critical" don't you think that this should be discussed fully and openly?

Discussing things like sex and gender and the enforced terminology and labeling of people.

@CrazyNeighbour Im addressing your second point first, let’s be clear, I said she made some anti trans comments and received backlash. In NO WAY did I state I’m onboard with threats of rape, death and violence.

I do think people in the public eye should be held accountable for the things the say, be they sexist, racist, islamaphobic or transphobic and that’s because words matter and we should choose them wisely. But being held accountable doesn’t mean being attacked, or threatened.

Hopefully that point is clear.

I still don’t understand how an article that advocates for easier access to sanitary products for those who need them can harm women.

The reason that article used people with periods is because some people who have periods don’t identify as being women or female.

But being held accountable doesn’t mean being attacked, or threatened.

But many people disagree with you. Many people think a woman stating that only women are able to menstruate is entirely deserving of rape and death threats. What makes them wrong and you right?

This is a very odd way to think, I feel sorry for you.

But to touch briefly on why attacking or threatening someone is wrong, well it’s illegal (unfortunately trolls and cyber threats are notoriously difficult to trace), and those sorts of threats just galvanise more hate from those who might have been anti trans in the first place:

But let’s not fall into the trap that proclaims a huge number (implying the majority or most) of trans activists or allies threaten with rape or violence those who disagree with them.

@CrazyNeighbour are women actually being forced to refer to themselves as ‘cervix havers’ or any such term?
Who is stopping you from identifying as a woman or female?

I’m not sure the issue here is that ‘some people’ can’t ‘cope’ with the term woman, rather that the magazine who published the article chose to use arguably more inclusive vocab in its heading.

@CrazyNeighbour but who is “coercing” anyone to do anything of the sort? Using a general/ more inclusive term in some contexts doesn’t exclude the use of other/ more specific terms. For example we can described women as “human” without eroding the fact that they are women. Being a women is a subcategory of humans. All women are human , not all humans are women. Naught offensive about it.

@CrazyNeighbour that’s a straw man, the article said people with periods, not menstruators.

It was more inclusive vocab as ‘people with periods’ encompasses any person who has periods. I genuinely do not understand the problem, how can someone be so triggered by this?

He’d be out the door for treating my child like that. Trans issue aside how dare he not even call your child by their name. If you feel bad imagine how your child feels. Ducks in a row and then out he goes. Kids come first

The DP is clearly bringing nothing to the party to make the OP feel better. If a partner doesn't improve one's life, what are they for?
But also, if one's partner wants one to submit to compelled speech, what are they for?
The child seems to be achieving their objective here.

@CrazyNeighbour the stuff you are coming out with is next level bonkers.

Who are ‘they’.. . some fringe individuals who sit at the edge of a movement about equality and representation and pollute it’s message with their own hateful agenda. Unfortunately in every movement there seems to be these fringe radical and unhinged individuals but we shouldn’t present them as representative of that movement as a whole.

I actually think it is perfectly reasonable to ask Transmen not to put the lives of women at risk through coercive language practices. But feel free to disagree.

Hear hear.

As a GC woman I’m very upset that a woman starting a thread asking for help for her very disturbed child has turned into this shitshow. OP I think you are doing your best to support your child under very difficult circumstances. You must make the choices you feel best. Your OH needs to join the party or fuck off. You look after your child in the best way you can. You sound switched on, you research and ultimately you care for your teen. Sending you my good wishes.

I would ask him to leave.

@Gumbomambo

As a GC woman I’m very upset that a woman starting a thread asking for help for her very disturbed child has turned into this shitshow. OP I think you are doing your best to support your child under very difficult circumstances. You must make the choices you feel best. Your OH needs to join the party or fuck off. You look after your child in the best way you can. You sound switched on, you research and ultimately you care for your teen. Sending you my good wishes.

Hear hear. Thread is being derailed and that won't help OP.

• I think the rape and death threat Senders are seeking to coerce women. Police forces arresting women for reiterating that it is impossible to change sex. Stonewall certainly expects companies to remove the word mother and women from their policies and has misrepresented the law to the detriment of women.

Naught offensive about swapping in menstruators or cervix havers when woman suffices? Actually yes there is when half of the population don’t know what a cervix is, and there are more people who don’t know they have one, and that it needs to be checked regularly to avoid some of them dying unnecessarily of cervical cancer than there Transmen who feel upset. I actually think it is perfectly reasonable to ask Transmen not to put the lives of women at risk through coercive language practices. But feel free to disagree.*

Every statement you make here is completely nuts and has nothing to do with reality and everything to do with your own warped fears/ fantasies.

If the OP’s child is unlikely to be able to live without assistance, there are wider issues beyond trans identification.

As such, I’d personally base any decision about staying with my partner or not on how supportive and helpful he was towards my child overall. Assisted living is a minefield to access and navigate and there are likely many other hurdles to face in the future.

Some people do have very strong feelings about compelled pronouns and if the OP disengage from every person who refuses to call a biological male by female pronouns then their world may become very small.

Obviously, if the OP’s DP is unsupportive in all ways, then it’s best that he isn’t around what is obviously a very vulnerable child.