To think if he gets every Saturday to himself I should get one Sunday a month?

[Dancingbinbags]

Dh plays golf every Saturday. Every single Saturday.
I work four days a week but on my day off - between dropping the kids to school it amounts to 4 hours - I tend to do housework and anyway my friends are at work so I can’t meet them and do anything.
I want a Sunday to go into the city centre and shop and have lunch with a friend. Dh says no. Family time. Where is my time off? Where is my free time?
Two nights a week golf and a full day on a Saturday. Leaves in the morning and not back until late afternoon.

Women (myself included) say this kind of thing all the time. And it makes me realise we bring it on ourselves! Just tell him you’re going out the same way he does to you. We can’t blame the men if we don’t do anything to change things

@callmeadoctor

I think that the OP just comes on here to give us a snippet, not sure why she has put this thread on tbh.......................

The OP's life isn't a soap opera, she doesn't owe us constant updates for our entertainment. She's started the thread because she's pissed off and needed to vent. We all need to be able to do that from time to time.

@Dancingbinbags

I’m still undecided. I know I should go, I just don’t know if it’s worth the hassle and anxiety. I’ll feel anxious the whole time I’m there, but I suppose if I don’t start going places and feeling anxious then I will never make any progress.

No you won't. Is this the rest of your life?

How did it come about that H is in a position to 'say no' to your ideas?

Did you fall into the trap of asking him for his permission?

Does he ask your permission to golf every single Saturday morning?

You need to present a fait accompli.
Make plans with your friends and announce you're heading out as you walk out the door.

When you get home again, tell him you're sorry he has somehow got the impression that you're happy with the way things are arranged in your relationship.

Tell him that whenever he wants to talk reasonably about equal and fair time off for socializing with friends or for a hobby or sport, without the children, you're ready to participate, but him folding his arms and saying No/ Family time isn't a reasonable way to discuss matters, and neither is his suggestion to socialize with your friends with the kids in tow.

Tell him if he thinks that's reasonable that he can take the kids golfing every weekend. How nice for them to get out in the fresh air with dear old dad.

You are right that never sticking your neck out will result in never making the changes you want.

So no more asking your H.

Make plans and go.

He's not going to make the first move here - why should he? He has a nice life. He has everything his way.

Respond to any hassle he gives you with - "I'm ready to discuss this reasonably when you are. We can do it in couples therapy if you prefer." Then walk away. Do not engage on his level.

The phrase, "I'm sorry you feel that way," will come in handy too.

I remember that thread, @SausageCrush. Not sure it's the same poster though

Tell him your not asking for permission it's happening. If he doesn't like it he can give up the golf.

@Dancingbinbags

I’m still undecided. I know I should go, I just don’t know if it’s worth the hassle and anxiety. I’ll feel anxious the whole time I’m there, but I suppose if I don’t start going places and feeling anxious then I will never make any progress.

Which is precisely how he wants you to feel. Then you'll keep on as usual and he gets to continue his easy life.

Don't do it- it's time to make a change.

Could you tell us a bit more about your anxious feeling? What consequence are you worried about from him?

If he's just being sulky I think you should call his bluff and go out. But only you know whether that sulkiness comes with an implied threat of doing things that are scarier. If it's the latter, then it's more about keeping the peace until you find a safe way to leave.

The thing is, in the short term, it won't feel like it's worth the hassle or silent treatment/sulking etc. It's like any difficult big life change.

But I promise you this, future you, living a more fulfilling and equal life, not downtrodden and controlled like this, will be so grateful to you for enduring short term shit for her long term happiness.

Go out on Sunday OP.
Please.
Nothing is going to change even slightly unless you get the ball rolling. He has a lovely life exactly as he wants it, you don't.

I would also say to him " I'm not happy and I don't want to live like this anymore" and see what his reaction is and where the conversation goes.

If he's already sulking then you may as well go out and give him something to really sulk about

You MUST go out on Sunday. Let him sulk and don't let him get to you.

Agree with the comment a few down to get dressed, make up on, kiss on the cheek and flounce out with a big smile on your face.

I'm currently planning a trip to London next month for an event, dropped in yesterday I may stay overnight and come back Saturday afternoon. He accepts it as he knows he will do the same another time.

Him expecting every Saturday off to golf with no reciprocal time for you is disgusting. He either gets on board or leave him, I'd have zero desire to live with a man like this.

@Moulton Adjustable Massage Divan

I'm thinking about you today, and hoping you're having a good day.

If and when you decide to change your life for the better by getting rid of the selfish, self absorbed, childish bugger, then we'll all be with you and helping in any way we can.

But we'll also be here for you if you decide to stay too

@Moulton Adjustable Massage Divan

I've also been looking for a new bed

Should've been @Dancingbinbags !!!!

Please go tomorrow. Even if you just sit in a cafe and mumsnet with us.

I

@Dancingbinbags

I’m still undecided. I know I should go, I just don’t know if it’s worth the hassle and anxiety. I’ll feel anxious the whole time I’m there, but I suppose if I don’t start going places and feeling anxious then I will never make any progress.

If you don’t go things will never change. He is being extremely unfair and controlling. I hope you’re holding up ok.

Feel for you. I think you should go out. He sounds selfish but sure he doesnt have do the juggling of kids etc!! Otherwise this pattern continues.

Fuck that, seriously.
Why does he get to go out and you don't?!
So he sulks.
Sorry, but bloody let him.
You can't win either way in that situation, so you might as well go out with your mates and see them, might see sense if he realises you're ignoring him.

Would you be worried about what you'll come home to when you go out?

Actually I think you should cave and not go. He'll be smug and you'll clock it. When he buggers off our next week as usual, you may find your angry. You'll be able to see everything because you've talked it out. You can't go back once you've talked it out.

He has got used to his lovely life balance. I suspect, as many do, you have accepted being default parent while the Dc are little, but now you're starting to want to do more for you.
Lay it out like that - now is your time to find a balance too and weekends will be shared: family time, him time (where you have the kids), and you time (where he has the kids).

It isn't an option for him to just say no. If he does, then LTB isn't an extreme suggestion at all. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that if this continues, your marriage is inevitably over anyway - it's just a matter of when.

Good luck today.

Here's hoping we don't hear from OP today due to her having a lovely time catching up with her friend - fingers crossed

Some partners really try & do a number of their OH’s don’t they. Saturday = me. Sunday us/ family. Really?! My DH would see me get up one Sunday and walk out the door for the day. I don’t need permission, but I would inform him out of courtesy. Either that or I would be out the door one Saturday before his golf game.

In all seriousness though why doesn’t he really want you going shopping with a friend? It can’t just be ‘family time’ he sounds controlling and this is an excuse.

Just get dressed and ready so when he surfaces at 11 you can just walk out the door.