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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think if he gets every Saturday to himself I should get one Sunday a month?

488 replies

Dancingbinbags · 03/06/2021 20:01

Dh plays golf every Saturday. Every single Saturday.
I work four days a week but on my day off - between dropping the kids to school it amounts to 4 hours - I tend to do housework and anyway my friends are at work so I can’t meet them and do anything.
I want a Sunday to go into the city centre and shop and have lunch with a friend. Dh says no. Family time. Where is my time off? Where is my free time?
Two nights a week golf and a full day on a Saturday. Leaves in the morning and not back until late afternoon.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 04/06/2021 12:35

@Dancingbinbags

Dh would often says - to ds - ‘I’d never stop your mother doing anything.’ However it annoys me that he even says this, because it implies that he could if he wanted to. My parents certainly never spoke to each other in this way. Also it’s not true. He has stopped me previously and his reluctance to have the dc stops me a lot of the time. Sunday afternoon 2-5 is where we are at the moment 🙄
I got as far as this post before I felt I had to add my comment. The answer to that (if you happen to be in the room or overhear him say that) is "Well, you're stopping me now. By you not cutting back on your time on the golf course, I can't get out and do something, anything, that I want to do, so yes, you are stopping me. By your actions but not your words. You do know that if we were ever to separate and divorce, you would have to have the children every other weekend...not that I want it to come to that but please bear that in mind when you come out with such idiotic comments about how you're not stopping me doing things, alright??"

Going back to read the comments that were posted after the OP's one above.

LookItsMeAgain · 04/06/2021 12:40

@Faultymain5 has it: If family time is so valuable he should give up his Saturdays.

He gets to go around the golf course as if he were a single man with no children while you are left with the children on Saturdays.
You get the children on Sundays but you have the added 'bonus' of having Grumpy Arse Husband in tow too.
Where is your time without children and without GAH???

Please point that out to him.

If he continually disagrees with your take on the situation, then I would give serious thought to leaving him as he isn't setting a good example to his children about how a husband treats his wife and partner. It would even be court mandated time that he would have to spend with his children if you did leave him so I'd love to see him trying to pull a fast one over a judge!

endofthelinefinally · 04/06/2021 12:44

You are in a controlling, abusive relationship.
Men like this can potentially be dangerous when you defy them.
Contact Women's Aid for advice.
Read the relationships board on MN. There are many, many stories just like yours and you will find very good advice and information there.
You need good legal and financial advice in order to make informed choices and decisions.

Livpool · 04/06/2021 12:45

Does this dickhead have any redeeming qualities?! Sorry OP but this is no way to live.

Why are you asking him?! Me and DH tell each other plans to see friends but just a ls a courtesy in case the other is planning something. I couldn't live like this

Mellonsprite · 04/06/2021 12:46

@Dancingbinbags

He’s still arsey about it this morning. Apparently Saturday with the children is my day off.
He’s arsey as he can feel his grip loosening on all that lovely relaxation time whilst you pick up his slack. Saturday with the children is absolutely not your time off it is in no way equivalent to a day out playing golf. Keep calling him on on this.
pilar7 · 04/06/2021 12:59

OP, you are in a tricky position here and it’s all very well people just saying, “F him.., just go out at 7am etc etc.” It’s not that easy and these things are insidious.

The fact is, he won’t stop playing the golf because, in his mind, he feels 100% entitled to this and nothing will shift that mindset. It sounds as if he has little experience of parenting the kids in his own for any length of time?

A lot of men are crap at staying home with children because they find it too claustrophobic and they are not in the mindset for this. My DH was like this, but Fortunately, I found he was much better if he could go and “do something” with them - ie, take them out on bikes, or to a museum or camping whatever. There had to be a point and a purpose, basically. It was the mooching or unplanned times inbetween the activities he couldn’t cope with (that fell to me and why I never really felt I could plan anything for myself).

Your husband may be similar that he finds it difficult to do the humdrum part of parenting. But he does need to find his own way of being with his kids - otherwise his relationship with them will suffer long-term. Does he ever take them out for instance (without you)? Is there an activity that could be “his thing” to take them to on a Sunday - eg. swimming or whatever?

A lot of men find younger children difficult to entertain and this is why you sense they can’t be left with them. You don’t feel confident enough to leave them and you feel that it will put your husband in such a bad mood that you don’t push it. I know this feeling. They don’t even have to tell you you can’t go out, you just know you can’t because you are conditioned into thinking you have to always be there as default. I was like this for many years and its a conditioning that’s hard to shake. You felt guilty leaning them in a situation that may anger them do you take it on to not make waves.

Go out on Sunday. Has he now agreed you can go 2-5? Well go and he will probably manage fine. Then tell him you are a human being and you, like everyone, need some hands free time away from the home and family. Tell him you feel energised as a result of those few hours out and you will be a better wife and mother going forwards if he will support you in having some time. I hope he can’t start to shift his mindset. Good luck!

LannieDuck · 04/06/2021 12:59

You realise 'family time' is just because he doesn't want to look after his kids by himself, don't you?

lorca · 04/06/2021 13:02

He’s still arsey about it this morning. Apparently Saturday with the children is my day off.

So then Sunday with the children is his day off?

^this.

If he gets annoyed that you should be spending Sundays with his Lordship, why aren't you annoyed that he should be spending Saturdays with You?

Turn it back on him. He doesn't work 7 days a week, neither should you.

He gets his 'friends' time, so should you.

You get 'family time' all the time - time he experienced some of thet himself.

Then divorce the misogynist twat.

DeathstarDarling · 04/06/2021 13:11

Tell him you want to spend sunday playing golf?

Zzelda · 04/06/2021 13:15

@Dancingbinbags

But Sunday he is offended I don’t want to spend time with him. Apparently if I go out Sunday we get no family time. 🙄🙄🙄
Tell him you're offended he doesn't want to spend time with you every sodding Saturday.
QioiioiioQ · 04/06/2021 13:16

Show him this thread - there is not 1 single person that has any empathy with him
He won't care, the opinions of women are irrelevant to him, he is right because he says he is

diddl · 04/06/2021 13:17

I don't suppose it has occurred to him that he could just spend less time playing golf/socialising at the club on a Saturday sometimes?

Bit out there I know & I can quite see how he might not have thought of itHmm

GabsAlot · 04/06/2021 13:17

have u posted this before i recall the exact same thing every saturday and during the week

anyway youve let this go on long enough just go out on sundays and leave him to it

GabsAlot · 04/06/2021 13:18

@LannieDuck

You realise 'family time' is just because he doesn't want to look after his kids by himself, don't you?
this exactly
QioiioiioQ · 04/06/2021 13:19

A lot of men are crap at staying home with children because they find it too claustrophobic and they are not in the mindset for this
Many women also find it claustrophobic and really not what they would prefer to be doing but by and large they find a way to get into the right mindset for the sake of the children, he is choosing to not make the effort.

QioiioiioQ · 04/06/2021 13:22

If she just goes out and leaves him on his own with the children he will make sure that the children suffer enough that she won't do it again.
Ultimately this is the problem, he can hold the children to ransom because he knows that she cannot stand by and let him treat them badly, he has access to a weapon that she can never use because he is prepared to let the children suffer in order to punish her

KarmaViolet · 04/06/2021 13:27

I'm going to go out on a limb and take a guess that by "family time" he means "OP cooking a Sunday lunch / dinner."

CatalinaCasesolver · 04/06/2021 13:27

I don't understand why you have to ask him?

I really don't get it? Who made him the boss of you?

TheWeeDonkey · 04/06/2021 13:27

OP your husband is playing you like a fiddle. Sunday is not family time, its time for him to lie around on his fat ass while you're run ragged. He doesn't want you spending time with your friends because they'll open your eyes to what a lazy self centred wanker he is, and he doesn't want to spend time with his kids because that takes time and effort and he's not capable.

Iloveacurry · 04/06/2021 13:27

I’m annoyed on your behalf! Family time on a Sunday! What about family time on a Saturday? He’s a knob. Just go out on a Sunday and leave him to it.

cansu · 04/06/2021 13:31

You need to decide that you will do what you want to do even if he sulks. It is not unreasonable to want some time without the children at the weekend. Offer to have alternate Saturdays off with him so that you both get some free time and keep Sundays as a family day. Oddly enough, he probably doesn't want family time on Sunday so much that he will give up a couple of golf days. He is being a selfish twat because he has become used to you being staff.

Thehop · 04/06/2021 13:35

Your husband is a selfish cock nostril and, frankly, his guilt tripping and punishing you is very controlling.

He doesn’t contribute at all.

I’d be asking him if he wants to free you up some time out or divorce and have them 50/50.

katy1213 · 04/06/2021 13:36

How about you say no for a change?

Shortbreadbrokemytooth · 04/06/2021 13:37

@Dancingbinbags your husband sounds very similar to my ex. I was so much happier after I divorced him. Yes, I was financially worse off but no amount of money could make up for being treated like dirt.

Please do seriously consider whether you want to stay in a miserable relationship with such a disrespectful, unkind man.

catfunk · 04/06/2021 13:37

What do you mean he says no. You're a grown woman ffs.