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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if he gets every Saturday to himself I should get one Sunday a month?

488 replies

Dancingbinbags · 03/06/2021 20:01

Dh plays golf every Saturday. Every single Saturday.
I work four days a week but on my day off - between dropping the kids to school it amounts to 4 hours - I tend to do housework and anyway my friends are at work so I can’t meet them and do anything.
I want a Sunday to go into the city centre and shop and have lunch with a friend. Dh says no. Family time. Where is my time off? Where is my free time?
Two nights a week golf and a full day on a Saturday. Leaves in the morning and not back until late afternoon.

OP posts:
QioiioiioQ · 04/06/2021 17:45

Just to say, this is not a given. My dad sounds a bit like the OPs dh (that's not good btw) but he was a perfectly adequate father for a few hours when my mother did go out and once or twice managed to cope for a whole week when my mum flew back to her home country to visit her father
you are quite right to point this out!
However it occurs to me that your father may have felt confident these were exceptional circumstances and there was no risk that he'd be making a rod for his own back and end up with extra long term child care responsibilities?

Babygotblueyes · 04/06/2021 18:01

Sorry this is happening, you are quite right to be fed up! Sounds like there needs to be a full and frank discussion with him about what he sees his role in the family to be because he doesnt seem to be adding anything of value at the moment. In fact, he is living like a single man, with added maid service.

StormTreader · 04/06/2021 18:04

Controlling and selfish men are always fine when you're doing exactly what they want. Its only when you say no that they start showing their true colours.
He knows hes made such a fuss on previous occasions that you now don't even ask, it's still controlling even if hes taught you to do it to yourself now.

ChristmasFluff · 04/06/2021 18:09

Have you realised your husband is an utter cunt yet?

If you divorce, you'll get every other weekend off. Sounds like a plan to me

SausageCrush · 04/06/2021 18:10

I don't know how to find it again, but did you post something similar recently about resenting your kids because of their differing ages and needs?

If you are then you were told in no uncertain terms on here that your dh needed to take some of the pressure of childcare off you, so you too can have some sort of a life and not just deal with all things domestic.

It looks like you are now trying to be more assertive, but honestly you really need to ramp it up and tell him that things are changing - not ask and then meekly accept his ruling!

Come on op - we're all on your side. Make something happen this weekend...

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/06/2021 18:13

Good God woman, put your foot down and stop being such a doormat.

Explain to him IN VERY SIMPLE TERMS that him playing golf every Saturday is impacting family life, your life, your mental health and your desire to stay married to such a selfish prick.

MsTSwift · 04/06/2021 18:20

It’s all abit surrendered wife! Come on op you are a person too and just as valuable and important as he is. You need to model this to your children too or it’s very damaging for them.

SunscreenCentral · 04/06/2021 18:26

Up, shower, dress, make-up on Sunday morning. Plonk a cup of coffee down in front of him. "Right darling notsomuchtbh, I'm off, have a lovely day with the dc mwah... and float out the door. You won't feel it but fake it.
And repeat.
And repeat until he learns.

ineedaholidaynow · 04/06/2021 18:33

Have you decided what you are going to do @Dancingbinbags?

callmeadoctor · 04/06/2021 18:51

I think that the OP just comes on here to give us a snippet, not sure why she has put this thread on tbh.......................

Original poster
Dancingbinbags · 04/06/2021 18:53

I’m still undecided. I know I should go, I just don’t know if it’s worth the hassle and anxiety.
I’ll feel anxious the whole time I’m there, but I suppose if I don’t start going places and feeling anxious then I will never make any progress.

OP posts:
VividImagination · 04/06/2021 18:54

I think I would call it a day. That way you can have one evening and every other weekend to yourself and the children benefit from some time with dad.

Oldbutstillgotit · 04/06/2021 18:57

VividImagination

I think I would call it a day. That way you can have one evening and every other weekend to yourself and the children benefit from some time with dad.

What makes you think such a selfish ban would agree to this ??

Oldbutstillgotit · 04/06/2021 18:57

Man*

InFiveMins · 04/06/2021 18:59

OP, I feel for you. His behaviour is completely wrong. Of course you should get to have a Sunday to yourself to see friends, you're not tied to him and your kids. How on earth does he think it makes sense that he's 'allowed' every Saturday 'off' but you can't possible do anything for yourself? It's not just double standards its controlling abusive behaviour - do not put up with it. He either accepts your decision or leaves. Be firm.

ineedaholidaynow · 04/06/2021 19:07

Can you start with small steps (I know you shouldn’t have to) but start going out for a couple of hours to be just by yourself.

What time does he get back from golf on a Saturday?

denverRegina · 04/06/2021 19:13

I've only read your replies OP but seriously, who the fuck does he think he is?

Please don't let him treat you this way any longer and don't let your kids think this is the way relationships should be.

Tell him what you're doing and when, don't ask!

awesomepotatoes · 04/06/2021 19:15

Your partner is happy with things as they are, you are not happy with things as they are. There is no incentive for him to change things therefore you will need to push on through his resistance to change and that does mean that it will be very uncomfortable for a while. The alternative is to stay as you are and allow the resentment to grow, not good for either of you

SunshineCake · 04/06/2021 19:16

@Naunet

Dh would often says - to ds - ‘I’d never stop your mother doing anything.’ However it annoys me that he even says this, because it implies that he could if he wanted to

But why does it annoy you? It implies he could if he wanted to? He already does it, there’s no implication there, he does stop you, and you let him.

Why is this even something that needed saying? He's saying it because he knows full well he does.
AmberIsACertainty · 04/06/2021 19:18

@Dancingbinbags

I’m still undecided. I know I should go, I just don’t know if it’s worth the hassle and anxiety. I’ll feel anxious the whole time I’m there, but I suppose if I don’t start going places and feeling anxious then I will never make any progress.
This is why people say LTB. Because in reality even if you "win" you still "lose" due to their controlling behaviour making you scared and feel like shit. Whether you are controlled or not isn't the point, their controlling behaviour still ruins your life either way. There's only ever really one solution to the problem of a controlling partner and that's to leave.
SunshineCake · 04/06/2021 19:20

[quote updownroundandround]@Whyemseeaye

No, OP has posted on another thread, and the other post shows where her head's at right now. (and it's not on 'family time' Sad)[/quote]
Is this the same poster who's having an emotional affair with snogging?

Original poster
Dancingbinbags · 04/06/2021 19:26

No it’s not! I don’t know who that is, but it’s not me!

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 04/06/2021 19:39

Apologies @Dancingbinbags.

SwimBaby · 04/06/2021 19:41

Try and go on Sunday, even if it’s for a couple of hours.

hettie · 04/06/2021 19:48

Hmme, if I was being really charitable (and depending on his own families gender roles) he may just think this is "how things are". He may not realise he is being controlling and unpleasant...In which case you can try the "when you insert shitty sulky behaviour it makes me feel like my time is less valued/important whatever conversation. However if he is fully congniscent then you either threaten and go through with divorce or put up with it and are miserable for years until the kids leave or he dumps you for a younger model

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