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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think if he gets every Saturday to himself I should get one Sunday a month?

488 replies

Dancingbinbags · 03/06/2021 20:01

Dh plays golf every Saturday. Every single Saturday.
I work four days a week but on my day off - between dropping the kids to school it amounts to 4 hours - I tend to do housework and anyway my friends are at work so I can’t meet them and do anything.
I want a Sunday to go into the city centre and shop and have lunch with a friend. Dh says no. Family time. Where is my time off? Where is my free time?
Two nights a week golf and a full day on a Saturday. Leaves in the morning and not back until late afternoon.

OP posts:
Lumene · 04/06/2021 15:24

Sulking now. It’s easier not to go.

Really? You would rather not claim your free time with your friends than ignore your husband sulking?

MMMarmite · 04/06/2021 15:26

It's so manipulative as a tactic. "Oh no, it's faaammmiiilllly time! Why don't you want to spend time with me?". Call him out on it and demand some child-free time - if sundays are sacred family time, he can bloomin well take the kids every second saturday.

updownroundandround · 04/06/2021 15:27

@Dancingbinbags

Just saw your post on another thread Sad

Just take the 1st step.

It's a real journey, but OMG is it worth it ?? YESSSS 1000% !!

Living freely, without feeling 'downtrodden' and 'insignificant' on a daily basis, to be able to laugh and have fun without a care, to see your children happy and settled (without that anxious look) and to feel valued and be able to make all your own decisions !

Like after separation/divorce when the relationship is selfish and one sided is like waking up on the 1st day of the summer holidays when you're 10yrs old Grin Every day is full of potential and possibilities, and love and joy !!

Take the 1st step...................

MMMarmite · 04/06/2021 15:27

He's learning that by sulking he gets his way. Stop giving into him.

And if he doesn't change his ways, I'd be thinking of leaving.

Whyemseeaye · 04/06/2021 15:28

Is there a link for the previous thread? I can’t find it x

wheretonow123 · 04/06/2021 15:29

He is being bloody ridiculous.

TELL him not ask him that you will be meeting your friend on one Saturday a month and he will get a weeks notice and he should be damn happy about that arrangement as it still gives him and his precious golf 3 Saturdays a month.

What age is he? - he does sound old-fashioned - I am a guy in my late fifties with three (almost) grown up children and I dont think that attitude is on (though the family would like to be rid of me some saturdays ha ha)

Peach01 · 04/06/2021 15:35

If he's sulking that's his problem. It's his way or the highway. Put your foot down. What's his problem.

WellRightOKThen · 04/06/2021 15:42

You've got to be joking?

Either looking after the children is "time off", in which case it should be no problem for him to have that kind of "time off" two Saturdays per month while you do something outside the house, or it's childcare that prevents the adult in charge from pursuing their hobbies, in which case why should that fall on you every single Saturday while he goes and pursues his hobby at your expense?

That's not rhetorical. I'd want him to sit down and explain to me, step by step, which it is and why he thinks it's fair.

Better yet, get him to explain it in front of people he would like to think well of him. Would he be embarrassed to give his reasons in front of them?

Have you got friends (of his, preferably) that would give it to him straight and add, for good measure, "now before you go home and shout at DancingBinBags for 'making you look bad', let's be clear that the only reason you look bad is because of your own words and attitude, so don't think you can go bullying her in private once you get home!"?

2-5pm my arse. If anything, you've got a massive backlog of Saturdays off to be cashing in!

CassandraTrotter · 04/06/2021 15:46

Sunday 2-5 so you can go after youve made and cleaned yo after lunch, and return in time to make dinner. Therefore he doesnt have to do anything other than sit child in front of a screen.

What a shit husband and abusive father he is.

skodadoda · 04/06/2021 15:47

@Dancingbinbags

But Sunday he is offended I don’t want to spend time with him. Apparently if I go out Sunday we get no family time. 🙄🙄🙄
No, you get no family time because he chooses to spend Saturday on the golf course.
SchadenfreudePersonified · 04/06/2021 15:54

@lorca

Oh OP - this reminds me of my EX. He'd be away with 'work' for up to 1 week every month. Sometimes it was 'work' (conferences, meetings etc) sometimes it was 'networking' (jollies, team building fun days, office visits etc) Hmm. I asked him once for a week off to go to a hobby workshop. He refused, saying that if he had to take a week off to look after his own kids, then he wanted that to be a 'family holiday'. So No, I didn't get to go.

I divorced him instead.

Wise choice.
PurpleMustang · 04/06/2021 16:02

@Dancingbinbags

But Sunday he is offended I don’t want to spend time with him. Apparently if I go out Sunday we get no family time. 🙄🙄🙄
But he deems Sundays are family time because he has hogged Saturdays. Say you are offended he never spends Saturdays or even Sunday mornings with the family EVERY WEEK, that is family time too. But you want one Sunday and he is offended!! He is being defensive because he knows he is being unfair. And doesn't want to look after his own kids.
updownroundandround · 04/06/2021 16:11

@Whyemseeaye

No, OP has posted on another thread, and the other post shows where her head's at right now. (and it's not on 'family time' Sad)

lottiegarbanzo · 04/06/2021 16:13

Just go.

Or he can take the DC with him to golf, so you can go out on Saturdays.

CatsPyjama · 04/06/2021 16:14

How convenient that the ‘family time’ argument only gets dragged up when he’s expected to have the kids by himself. FFS.

DillyDilly · 04/06/2021 16:16

Don’t give into his sulking - whatever you do, go. Otherwise he has won and you won’t ask again. You shouldn’t have to ask as such anyway.

I couldn’t live with someone like that.

3AndStopping · 04/06/2021 16:38

Ugh, how do you bare it?

Why do you get every Saturday you selfish fuck?
Do you think you get to tell me no like I’m your child not your wife?
Do you think sulking is gonna get you your own way?
Grow the fuck up. I just couldn’t honestly, do you have a daughter? Teach her better, unless you want her husband dictating to her in 20 years OP.

CatsPyjama · 04/06/2021 16:42

You know I would be be pointing out to him that his fucking golf eats into all the family time.

Did you post before under a different name or has another poster got an equally shit partner who prioritises golf over ‘family time’.

willowmelangell · 04/06/2021 16:51

I am furious on your behalf op.
Make a tsunami, a great big line-in-the-sand tsunami and name it 'NO'
The first time you say 'NO' will be the hardest. After that it gets easier.
Sending you strength to live your life well and set an example to your dc.
xx

Dwrcegin · 04/06/2021 17:05

[quote updownroundandround]@Whyemseeaye

No, OP has posted on another thread, and the other post shows where her head's at right now. (and it's not on 'family time' Sad)[/quote]
I just saw the other thread too.

OP I am really worried about your state of mind, you really need to speak to someone as soon as possible. Please ring someone.

Do you have family close by (not the husband) that you can go to right now?

Dancingbinbags · 04/06/2021 17:09

I’m ok. Honestly I am. I’m just fed up.

OP posts:
BruceAndNosh · 04/06/2021 17:16

@Dancingbinbags

But Sunday he is offended I don’t want to spend time with him. Apparently if I go out Sunday we get no family time. 🙄🙄🙄
Why should you want to spend time with a man who shows you so little respect?
C8H10N4O2 · 04/06/2021 17:39

A lot of men are crap at staying home with children because they find it too claustrophobic and they are not in the mindset for this

Rubbish. They just find it too easy not to step up and learn. When I had my kids I didn't have some innate talent for knowing how to take care of a new baby or entertain whiny toddlers or to get them to do their homework done at school - I had to learn how to do it and so did DH. We both were their parents, we both needed to be competent at the job.

This "men just don't do that" drives me nuts. Its a massive cop out by men and its enabled by too many women.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 04/06/2021 17:43

@Dancingbinbags

I’m ok. Honestly I am. I’m just fed up.
Oh sweetheart. I bet you are!

Time to have a really good think and really consider if this is the life you want to, or even can, carry on living.

When you’ve organised your thoughts, sit him down and lay it out. You either start getting a more equal lifestyle or it’s over. You’re not his maid. You’re not his mother. You’re not his child. He is not a single, child free man. Being a husband and father is not a Sunday 11-8pm job.

Xxxx

AmberIsACertainty · 04/06/2021 17:45

@Dancingbinbags

Dh would often says - to ds - ‘I’d never stop your mother doing anything.’ However it annoys me that he even says this, because it implies that he could if he wanted to. My parents certainly never spoke to each other in this way. Also it’s not true. He has stopped me previously and his reluctance to have the dc stops me a lot of the time. Sunday afternoon 2-5 is where we are at the moment 🙄
It doesn't only imply that he could stop you if he wanted to. It implies he's doing you a favour by not stopping you.

Except even that lame argument of his is flawed because he is stopping you, he's making life so unpleasant if you go out that you avoid going out. That's not you making a choice, that's you being controlled.

What's even more interesting is that he sees this controlling manipulative behaviour as "not stopping you". So what would he call "stopping you" then?

A massive row? Insulting you? Locking you in and taking your keys? Violence? He sees himself as doing you a favour by not carrying out those behaviours. Yet.

If he can't get his way by coercion (currently sulking), those other behaviours might come next.

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