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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner says I should clean more

128 replies

Susi2021 · 03/06/2021 15:24

We have a 10 month old baby and I'm currently on maternity leave.

My partner thinks that I should clean more in the house and keep it tidy since I'm at home all day long.

I find this extremely difficult. My baby doesn't sleep well at all during the day, never has, he sleeps maybe for half an hour at a time and then wakes up. He's extremely clingy and doesn't like it when I leave him in his playpen. I need to play with him and sometimes I can sit on the sofa and watch him play, but then I need to supervise him and can't clean.

When he's finally sleeping, I don't feel like cleaning, I feel like I need to breathe and sit down with a cup of tea and relax.

My partner says he could have the baby and clean at the same time and do stuff in the house. He has never been one day without me though since he was born!

I also noticed with him it doesn't bother him to do something else while our baby cries. Case in point I went out to a restaurant with my friend the other day and asked him to look after our son while I was out.

When I came home he was in the middle of installing a babygate ( which I appreciate) while our son was crying in his playpen.

If it had been, I would have had to pick our baby up. I can't work while my baby is crying.

I had this discussion with him many times, but he thinks I'm lazy.

AIBU to think he's massively unfair and doesn't understand the reality of being with a baby all day long?

OP posts:
C0nstance · 03/06/2021 15:27

Go back to work i say. Make sure he pays at least half of childcare

BackforGood · 03/06/2021 15:34

Well, this isn't the answer you are hoping to hear, but parents do generally manage to do things around looking after their dc, yes. Especially if it is only one dc.

I mean, I have no idea about cleaning "more" - I don't know what you currently do - but you will find that from time immemorial people have managed to run a home whilst looking after their dc.

Original poster
Susi2021 · 03/06/2021 15:36

@C0nstance

I'm due back at work on Monday full-time . I suggested getting a cleaner so that we can focus our time off work on our son ( he will be going to a childminder) . My partner is totally against getting a cleaner and thinks we should manage on our own and that I should get on top of it

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 03/06/2021 15:39

So will you then be expected to work full time plus do all the cleaning? Does he contribute to the cleaning too or does he just complain?

pilates · 03/06/2021 15:41

Yes get a cleaner or split the chores.

Velvian · 03/06/2021 15:42

Go back to work, it's the only thing these bozos understand. There will be nowhere for him to hide then.

cindarellasbelly · 03/06/2021 15:42

We did shared parental leave at the end. My husband admitted up to that point he had occasionally, silently wondered when he got home whether I couldn't have maybe done a wash or started the dinner. He admitted that while giving me an apology. But, he would't ignore our child or leave her to cry either.

If you're going to be working, why does he think you need to get on top of housework? I'd be tempted to say, if you don't think we need a cleaner, you do most of the cleaning then and see how far that takes you. Tbh, it is a bit weird he hasn't had a whole day with your baby in this long. I think its important to get him to do more.

Also, what you can do in a day with a baby entirely depends on the baby. My first was a horrific sleeper, days and nights were about trying to get her to sleep. Every nap involved me walking for hours. I was in pieces, and incapable of doing anything domestic. Friends were over with their baby recently and it basically sat in the corner, occasionally requiring a nappy change or a feed. If I had one of those, I think I would have managed some housework, but the stork doesn't always listen to requests.

Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 03/06/2021 15:43

Tell him to fuck off op

Notaroadrunner · 03/06/2021 15:45

When you go back to work he will have to do half the housework so there shouldn't be an issue from Monday onwards. You will both have to keep on top of it, not just you.

lemmein · 03/06/2021 15:46

How was the housework split before you had the baby?

ShitOnIt00 · 03/06/2021 15:46

Without knowing what level of cleaning you’re actually already doing, it’s hard to comment. Is the issue more that you don’t trust him with the baby alone? Do you keep on top of the basics (dishwasher, bathroom etc) but then not have time for the bigger jobs?

MrMeeseekslookatme · 03/06/2021 15:47

There is a middle ground here.

Yes, DH needs to do more on his own with the baby. And around the house.

But at 10 months old, your baby can be left with you in sight. Meant with the greatest respect, what would you do if you had two kids? You can't just ignore a toddler because the baby is crying. It will probably help everyone if you can work on encouraging DC to be left for a few moments and build it up.

Who is looking after your baby while you work out of interest?

TooMuchAndNotEnough · 03/06/2021 15:47

It's impossible to say if you should be doing more, though I would say that in general it should be possible to clean as well as take care of a 10-month-old. However, if you're back to work on Monday, it's all rather a moot point. When you are both working full time, you are both equally responsible for keeping the house clean. Did you divide housework equally before your child was born?

frazzledasarock · 03/06/2021 15:51

[quote Susi2021]@C0nstance

I'm due back at work on Monday full-time . I suggested getting a cleaner so that we can focus our time off work on our son ( he will be going to a childminder) . My partner is totally against getting a cleaner and thinks we should manage on our own and that I should get on top of it[/quote]
Why should you get on top of it?

Why can't he as he seems to be the one with such exacting standards?

I'd never have cleaned anything of my DH's ever if he told me I needed to 'clean more'

With my older DC I would sleep and rest when she slept as she was a nightmare child who rarely slept at night. last baby I would do housework as she was a content baby and let me do chores and rest.

How much childcare, housework, cooking and admin etc does you P do?

Velvian · 03/06/2021 15:51

@Susi2021if your partner is 'totally against a cleaner' he can do in his free time. Totally against paying for a cleaner, maybe. Although I don't think that is even the main objection a lot of men have, I think it is more an entitlement to be waited on when a baby comes along, regardless of how many hours the mother of the baby is working or how demanding the baby is.

My DH was 'totally against' a cleaner, he was also 'totally against cleaning his own bathroom, it seemed. Grin - We have a cleaner!

ComDummings · 03/06/2021 15:53

If it bothers him he should get on top of it. I’m sure he will like the idea of a cleaner more than the idea of him dividing chores equally with you.

EnjoyingTheSunshine · 03/06/2021 15:53

@ShitOnIt00

Without knowing what level of cleaning you’re actually already doing, it’s hard to comment. Is the issue more that you don’t trust him with the baby alone? Do you keep on top of the basics (dishwasher, bathroom etc) but then not have time for the bigger jobs?
I keep on top of the basic jobs. I do trust him alone with the baby, but so far there hasn't been a reason to leave him alone with the baby for an entire day.

I had a surgery, but came back at 1 pm that day as it was a very quick procedure.

Dishwashersaurous · 03/06/2021 15:54

But if you are both working full time when are either of you going to clean?

Leave him in charge of cleaning.

But also sometimes you do need to let a child cry for a few minutes whilst you finish a job

Original poster
Susi2021 · 03/06/2021 15:56

This week I was supposed to have a week for myself as our son was supposed to start nursery before I return to work.

He didn't cope well with the nursery though so he will be with a childminder.

I thought I could give the house a spring clean this week while also focusing on myself but can't now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Susi2021 · 03/06/2021 15:57

Oops, sorry, didn't mean to change names - accidently commented with old user name! 😂

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 03/06/2021 15:57

How is there much cleaning to do?
Two adults should avoid making a mess as they go, and a baby doesn’t add much, as long as you do sensible things like a towel under the high chair.
My baby wanted to be with me all the time - I was fine with that. Used a sling. Was perfectly able to clean whilst chatting to them as I did it.

If he did have a full day at home alone with the baby, he still wouldn’t experience your day. Because as you say, he’ll leave baby to cry whilst he does things. That was never my choice - but plenty would say he’s not wrong.

Impossible to say who is reasonable as we don’t know if he’s a dick or you’re slack! (sorry!). Perfectly possible to clean with a baby - but he might still be expecting too much.

CandyLeBonBon · 03/06/2021 15:59

Why can't he clean more?

SleepingStandingUp · 03/06/2021 15:59

How bad is the house ATM? What housework does he do when he's home?

On theory you should be studying up after yourself so I'd expect dirty washing up I'm the bo, messes brushed up etc. Depending on when he's home, baby fed and washed. But I'd also expect him to pitch in when he gets home of you're still working

Original poster
Susi2021 · 03/06/2021 16:00

@TooMuchAndNotEnough

It's impossible to say if you should be doing more, though I would say that in general it should be possible to clean as well as take care of a 10-month-old. However, if you're back to work on Monday, it's all rather a moot point. When you are both working full time, you are both equally responsible for keeping the house clean. Did you divide housework equally before your child was born?
Yes, we both cleaned, and housework was much easier for me before I had the baby. Now I find it so difficult as he's attached to me all the time
OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 03/06/2021 16:01

If you’re going back to work full time on Monday and he, presumably so works full time, what’s the plan for housework?