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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner says I should clean more

128 replies

Susi2021 · 03/06/2021 15:24

We have a 10 month old baby and I'm currently on maternity leave.

My partner thinks that I should clean more in the house and keep it tidy since I'm at home all day long.

I find this extremely difficult. My baby doesn't sleep well at all during the day, never has, he sleeps maybe for half an hour at a time and then wakes up. He's extremely clingy and doesn't like it when I leave him in his playpen. I need to play with him and sometimes I can sit on the sofa and watch him play, but then I need to supervise him and can't clean.

When he's finally sleeping, I don't feel like cleaning, I feel like I need to breathe and sit down with a cup of tea and relax.

My partner says he could have the baby and clean at the same time and do stuff in the house. He has never been one day without me though since he was born!

I also noticed with him it doesn't bother him to do something else while our baby cries. Case in point I went out to a restaurant with my friend the other day and asked him to look after our son while I was out.

When I came home he was in the middle of installing a babygate ( which I appreciate) while our son was crying in his playpen.

If it had been, I would have had to pick our baby up. I can't work while my baby is crying.

I had this discussion with him many times, but he thinks I'm lazy.

AIBU to think he's massively unfair and doesn't understand the reality of being with a baby all day long?

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 04/06/2021 22:11

Your child might be crying because your house is so filthy.
Feel better now dropping that silly comment in there @Cactusesi ?
OP I get it, it's very tough with a velcro crying baby mine was a nightmare he was obsessively attached wouldn't settle alone or in childcare, now he is 6 he's diagnosed with dmdd and asd.
Unless you've experienced a cling on screaming attached baby it is impossible to understand.

romany4 · 04/06/2021 22:17

Your child might be crying because your house is so filthy.

Yeah because 10 month olds really get upset if their home is messy...
Hmm

Cactusesi · 04/06/2021 22:20

A silly point was being made. Very, very few babies cry all day. Plenty of time is left for cleaning if that is not beneath one's dignity.

The OP's DP would know if their child needed constant nursing/atention or there was some time left for house cleaning.

LannieDuck · 04/06/2021 22:25

I don't think he understands what it's like to look after a baby himself for any length of time. He needs to experience it.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/06/2021 22:56

Very, very few babies cry all day. Some do and it is torture, once mine was walking he'd follow me holding my leg crying 18 hours a day.
He was my 2nd. First was fine.

Sillawithans · 04/06/2021 23:02

I had 3 children under 2. My ex husband came home from work one day and asked me what I'd been doing all day. I fucked off to my mum's for 4 days and left him to it and he never asked me again.

Get the cleaner.

Runnerduck34 · 04/06/2021 23:31

Your maternity leave is look after and bond with your child, its not housekeeping leave.
Every baby is different and its not always easy to get other stuff done.
When mine were little i would do basics like unload and load the dishwasher and put washing on etc but didn't have time to do a big clean, we did that together at weekends. Your dh needs to have sole care of dc to fully understand.
Once you are back at work split everything equally and evenly.
I couldn't ignore dc crying either DH was better at it, don't think he had the physical response to it I did

DPotter · 05/06/2021 00:13

You're getting a hard time on here Susi2020

I hate housework. Hate it with a passion. You tidy something, wash something and some bugger comes along 1 minute later and makes it dirty again. It's a never ending tyranny as far as I'm concerned.

So when my 'darling' DP decided to have a moan about how messy the house was, the conversation went something like this

DP this place is a mess, you need to clear up
Me so I'm in charge of clearing up
DP yes
Me as I'm in charge I decide how tidy / messy things are and I've decided I'm happy with things as they are at the moment

He has been known to have a bit of a moan about what's for dinner, to which the answer is 'if at any point in time you want to take over responsibility for the buying of food for the house, it's all yours'. I'm still 'in charge'.

before you all think I'm a right bitch ( a word I'm happy to re-claim) I put together a table for him this evening and will be putting together a couple of sets of shelving for his shed tomorrow. He is totally incapable of doing this for himself without adversely effecting the World's vibrations and he appreciates the time & effort it takes me.

I will not be unappreciated - my life is too short to be wiping down skirting boards and picking up other people's belongings from the floor.

Personally I can't get on with regular cleaners - they never do things the way I like so I split the jobs up - I have people who collect and return the ironing, someone who comes in every 6 months or so and does the oven.

EKGEMS · 05/06/2021 01:04

@Cactusesi You should've spent some time with my son twenty years ago-he screamed all day for eight months when he wasn't eating or sleeping-I assure you it was hell.on.earth

An0n0n0n · 05/06/2021 08:02

Youre on maternity leave not housekeeping leave.

You need to address his sexism but also the fact you dont trust him with your baby because he doesnt prioritise the baby.

An0n0n0n · 05/06/2021 08:03

Why does he expect you to make things easier for him but he doesnt want o do housework to make things easier for you?

Bluntness100 · 05/06/2021 08:38

To be fair when she was working they shared it equally.

HamAndButterSandwich · 05/06/2021 09:45

@Cactusesi

A silly point was being made. Very, very few babies cry all day. Plenty of time is left for cleaning if that is not beneath one's dignity.

The OP's DP would know if their child needed constant nursing/atention or there was some time left for house cleaning.

Plenty of babies cry all day if they're put down. The world isn't going to fall apart because the house is messy. YOu only get one year at home with the baby.
thebeesknees123 · 05/06/2021 11:52

Looking after a clingy 10 month old IS work. Childcare full stop is work. Otherwise, we'd still be popping off to work and leaving them at home all day

romany4 · 05/06/2021 11:59

once mine was walking he'd follow me holding my leg crying 18 hours a day.He was my 2nd. First was fine

Are you me?
You just described my awful ds2!

Atalantea · 05/06/2021 12:05

[quote Susi2021]@C0nstance

I'm due back at work on Monday full-time . I suggested getting a cleaner so that we can focus our time off work on our son ( he will be going to a childminder) . My partner is totally against getting a cleaner and thinks we should manage on our own and that I should get on top of it[/quote]
tell him he's welcome to, but you;re not doing everything

My partner says he could have the baby and clean at the same time and do stuff in the house. He has never been one day without me though since he was born!
So you will be out ALL day tomorrow then and come back to a nice clean house with your dinner cooked as well?

osbertthesyrianhamster · 05/06/2021 12:26

Sexism is alive and well on this thread! It doesn't matter a fuck what anyone thinks the OP should be doing to be the little house self whilst on mat leave (maternity leave, not 1950s Housewife Leave). The point is that she's procreated with a sexist lout who doesn't look after his child on his own and thinks she's a Maid of All Work. He thinks she should be the one to 'get on top of it', not suggesting how he, too, can compromise, they can divide the work, etc. He unilaterally decided, too, no cleaner, but no suggestion of how he's going to compromise and mature discussion of how they'll divide the work with both working FT.

Go back to FT work, never jack in FT work to procreate with an unmarried partner or a husband when he's proven himself a sexist who thinks childcare and house/lifework is women's work, don't procreate further with him unless he changes his tune, leave if he carries on being a sexist shit who doesn't want to parent or do his fair share in life.

lovescaca · 05/06/2021 12:29

It's maybe because your picking your baby up every time he cries that he very clingy and u can get anything done. X

osbertthesyrianhamster · 05/06/2021 12:31

Jesus wept! So many suggestions of how the OP can behave so she can do more cleaning; none of how her partner can behave and compromise so he can do more Hmm. Un-fucking-believable.

BonnieDundee · 05/06/2021 13:25

Depressing isn't it Osbert Sad

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/06/2021 13:29

Except @osbertthesyrianhamster the OP did say her partn

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/06/2021 13:34

Sorry

Did say her partner had always helped. She also said her partner was willing to put baby down safely in play pen for a short while whilst getting on with something even though baby was crying. She wouldn't do that. She would pick baby up and not do anything. There is a compromise. I had a clingy baby, sometimes I left him, sometimes I left the cleaning but mostly I learned to do it one handed whilst holding baby on the other side with the other hand

osbertthesyrianhamster · 05/06/2021 13:57

@sweeneytoddsrazor

Sorry

Did say her partner had always helped. She also said her partner was willing to put baby down safely in play pen for a short while whilst getting on with something even though baby was crying. She wouldn't do that. She would pick baby up and not do anything. There is a compromise. I had a clingy baby, sometimes I left him, sometimes I left the cleaning but mostly I learned to do it one handed whilst holding baby on the other side with the other hand

So he's spearheading these compromising? No, he's saying she needs to get on top of it and unilaterally declaring, 'no cleaner'.
DaphneDuBois · 05/06/2021 14:07

When you say ‘he’ thinks ‘we’ can manage without a cleaner...does he fully include himself in this, or does ‘we’ really mean you’ll be doing most of it? If he won’t get a cleaner when you want one then the list of chores must get split 50:50 and he needs to stay on top of his share. Too often working women get lumped with the lion’s share of housework and childcare while their partners see everything is magically tidy / stocked in the fridge / washed. They fail to see just how difficult it is to be on top of everything. It does my head in. YANBU.

stayathomer · 06/06/2021 00:03

OP I don't know how to ask nicely but how much do you actually do? just wondering by the end of today is their dishes etc stacked up and dirty nappies everywhere, or is it just the place needs a tidy or a clean? Because while people can lay into your partner if any of them came home to the place at it's very worst they'd be the same surely, as there is a minimum standard