My partner says I should clean more

[Susi2021]

We have a 10 month old baby and I'm currently on maternity leave.

My partner thinks that I should clean more in the house and keep it tidy since I'm at home all day long.

I find this extremely difficult. My baby doesn't sleep well at all during the day, never has, he sleeps maybe for half an hour at a time and then wakes up. He's extremely clingy and doesn't like it when I leave him in his playpen. I need to play with him and sometimes I can sit on the sofa and watch him play, but then I need to supervise him and can't clean.

When he's finally sleeping, I don't feel like cleaning, I feel like I need to breathe and sit down with a cup of tea and relax.

My partner says he could have the baby and clean at the same time and do stuff in the house. He has never been one day without me though since he was born!

I also noticed with him it doesn't bother him to do something else while our baby cries. Case in point I went out to a restaurant with my friend the other day and asked him to look after our son while I was out.

When I came home he was in the middle of installing a babygate ( which I appreciate) while our son was crying in his playpen.

If it had been, I would have had to pick our baby up. I can't work while my baby is crying.

I had this discussion with him many times, but he thinks I'm lazy.

AIBU to think he's massively unfair and doesn't understand the reality of being with a baby all day long?

@MrMeeseekslookatme

There is a middle ground here.

Yes, DH needs to do more on his own with the baby. And around the house.

But at 10 months old, your baby can be left with you in sight. Meant with the greatest respect, what would you do if you had two kids? You can't just ignore a toddler because the baby is crying. It will probably help everyone if you can work on encouraging DC to be left for a few moments and build it up.

Who is looking after your baby while you work out of interest?

A childminder. He was starting nursery full time this week, but didn't settle well, so we decided to put him with a childminder.

Babies are all different; none of us really knows whether you could or couldn't do more cleaning around yours. And neither does he!

I know this is such a MN cliche, but since you're about to go back to work, could you draw up a chores list to pin to the fridge so you both know what you're meant to be doing?

What sort of stuff does he do now, and what do you do?

@Howshouldibehave

If you’re going back to work full time on Monday and he, presumably so works full time, what’s the plan for housework?

I got some quotes for a cleaner, but he's totally against using a cleaner. He thinks we can manage ourselves.

How much cleaning does hubby do?? I think he's being totally unreasonable tbh & is deluded. He appears to have the attitude of 'me Tarzan, me do man jobs. You Jane, you do women work'
Personally I'd give it to him with both barrels. Good luck, you doing a great job 💕

Aaah did you have another thread about enjoying time off whilst ds was starting nursery? Sorry he didn’t settle but he’s probably better off with a childminder.

Anyway if you are both working full time a cleaner is a great idea. Otherwise a rota needs to be drawn up as to who does which jobs. Your time is as precious as his.

Lmao at men. They really are fucking clueless aren't they're?

My partner barely lifted a finger while I was on maternity and that soon changed when I went back to work.
If he says he can clean and look after the baby, so okay then prove it.
Let him do a night feed. Give him a list of everything you do with the baby and clean etc, fuck off round your friends for the day and then come home and see what hes done when hes had no sleep and looked after a whinging baby all day.

He really has some cheek.

He can do it or hire a cleaner, concentrate on getting the baby settled with CM.
I had a clinging baby it was very difficult if I left him to cry he'd get worse and nearly pass out.

@MissyB1

Aaah did you have another thread about enjoying time off whilst ds was starting nursery? Sorry he didn’t settle but he’s probably better off with a childminder.

Anyway if you are both working full time a cleaner is a great idea. Otherwise a rota needs to be drawn up as to who does which jobs. Your time is as precious as his.

Yes, that was me. They called me after three hours as he wouldn't settle to pick him up. We found a great childminder and he's so much more relaxed there.

I think a rota is a good idea.

1. Tell him to fuck off.

1. When you go back to work get a cleaner or split it (use a chore board if necessary so the burden is split fairly, but my god should that not be necessary).

1. Tell him to fuck off!

1. Life is to short to worry about the bloody house being immaculate all the time. I actively chose to prioritise my time with my children. If that means the laundry basket stacks up a bit then so be it. I have a cleaner every 2 weeks so house is never disgusting and husband is wonderful. But could the bathroom do with an extra clean between cleaner visits...100%. Do i do it? Do i bollacks (unless there are guests coming and then I do the panic clean). Do I sit down with a cuppa and crap on the TV when the kids are all sleeping? Damn right I do.

I shared leave with dh. I went back when dd was 9 months and then he was off for a few months. I firmly believe this made all the difference. Ive never taken a day off when dc have been ill either. Dh has done them all.

If you are back to work on Monday, make plans now.

draw up this evening what the cleaning rota will be.
Who does drop off at childminder
Who does pick up at childminder
Who does food shop
Who buys clothes and when
Who takes for sizing and buys shoes
who deals with doctor
Who deals with dentist
Who deals with childminder.

Who cooks? Who does bath time? Who does bed time?

He thinks we can manage ourselves well yes two adults with 1 child working standard hours should be able to manange to keep a house clean. But the key is we not you. Even split of cooking, washing up, clothes washing, cleaning, bathtimes, bedtimes etc

Ffs. I did very little cleaning on maternity leave. As my husband pointed out: I was on maternity leave, not housecleaning leave.

I would get a cleaner. If you decide not to, make sure he does his share.

[quote Susi2021]@C0nstance

I'm due back at work on Monday full-time . I suggested getting a cleaner so that we can focus our time off work on our son ( he will be going to a childminder) . My partner is totally against getting a cleaner and thinks we should manage on our own and that I should get on top of it[/quote]
So he thinks YOU should get on top of it when you're working full time?

I would definitely get a cleaner for as many hours as you can afford.

Yanbu

It’s maternity leave, not cleaning leave.

I remember getting this shit from my ex and tbh it ruined the early months with Ds.

Definitely get a cleaner when you’re both at work, no question. Your Ds deserves some of his parents’ attention on the weekends, not for your both being cleaning.

My horrible exh once said to me (I worked full time and had two dc) “you don’t have time to go on play dates”. Stopped us gojng on a Saturday play date. The child the play date was with has now sadly died Wish we’d spent the time with her when we could.

Sorry - he stopped us going so we could clean. By banging on and being horrible, not physically barring the door but I was weaker then.

Split duties up very categorically. Like you do your laundry and he does his.
You cook dinner every second night.
You clean one bathroom he cleans the other (if possible)

Divide tasks up in such a way that it's really clear you have done your half.
If you get home on Tuesday having made dinner on monday, and your staring at and empty table, then it will be clear who didnt step up.

Sounds like baby needs a routine and some sleep training. Also sometimes even if they cry dotn pick them up, it’s good for them to learn to play independently etc will help you have a break.

Depends on a lot of things
Does your dp do any cleaning?
How much do you actually get done?
Can you afford a cleaner?

Also your child is 10 months, put him down! I glad an extremely clingy second baby and it was bloody miserable but you do need to put them down.
It's not surprising he didn't settle at nursery. Dont be surprised if he doesn't settle very quickly at the childminders.
Did you post at the beginning of the week about being glad to get some time to yourself? You didn't give your child long to settle if that was you.

When I was on maternity leave I did all the housework, I wore baby in a wrap if they were fussy or just worked around them. But, thay said, DH never had a go at me for what I didnt do. I could spend all day sat on the sofa with baby and just watching tv and he'd come home and ask what I wanted for dinner.

We both work full time now, I still do the lions share but I dont mind and if I ask him to do something he will. Mostly he does the gardens and the cars, oh and the bins.

You need to sit down and work out what you'll do once both at work.

I never cleaned when I was on mat leave over and above basic chores which DH also does - benches, washing, tidy the clutter, quick hoover round anything that needs it - and I still don’t on the days I’m off work with DS other than the above if I can and doing the dishes. The house is generally clean and tidy and takes minimal time and effort from us both.

I also sit down and have time to myself when he naps.

I have no idea why we’re all so obsessed with bloody cleaning!

Well, once you return to work in a few days this issue should be resolved because you’ll both have to split chores equally. I do think the person at home should do the lions share but definitely not everything because it isn’t the 1950s.

I have a 10 month old so fully sympathise with how active they are at this age but I also have a 2 year old so my hands are generally quite full. I do manage to keep on top of the majority of the housework. I tend to clean as I go so it doesn’t become overwhelming and I will put baby in his jumperoo sometimes if I need to leave the room for 5/10 minutes to get something done. It’s not impossible to do both the housework and care for a baby, just can be tough. You don’t need your DH giving you shit though, he should be helping you.

I'd push for a cleaner, tbh. I think it'd make a huge difference. If not, he can get on top of it!

Since he thinks it’s such a doddle tell him to get going and demonstrate just how easy it is. And not just once, either. He can have baby and clean/get on top of things and then continue that going forward.