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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner says I should clean more

128 replies

Susi2021 · 03/06/2021 15:24

We have a 10 month old baby and I'm currently on maternity leave.

My partner thinks that I should clean more in the house and keep it tidy since I'm at home all day long.

I find this extremely difficult. My baby doesn't sleep well at all during the day, never has, he sleeps maybe for half an hour at a time and then wakes up. He's extremely clingy and doesn't like it when I leave him in his playpen. I need to play with him and sometimes I can sit on the sofa and watch him play, but then I need to supervise him and can't clean.

When he's finally sleeping, I don't feel like cleaning, I feel like I need to breathe and sit down with a cup of tea and relax.

My partner says he could have the baby and clean at the same time and do stuff in the house. He has never been one day without me though since he was born!

I also noticed with him it doesn't bother him to do something else while our baby cries. Case in point I went out to a restaurant with my friend the other day and asked him to look after our son while I was out.

When I came home he was in the middle of installing a babygate ( which I appreciate) while our son was crying in his playpen.

If it had been, I would have had to pick our baby up. I can't work while my baby is crying.

I had this discussion with him many times, but he thinks I'm lazy.

AIBU to think he's massively unfair and doesn't understand the reality of being with a baby all day long?

OP posts:
LouKelly · 04/06/2021 00:35

Tell him to fuck off ,you are a new mum ,not a robot ,this should be such a special and precious time for you ,all of you and all this heartless selfish clean freak can do is whinge ,when he gets old and looks back on his life is one of his happiest memories going to be about how clean his house was or how cute his kid was ,what a wanker .

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/06/2021 00:38

[quote Susi2021]@C0nstance

I'm due back at work on Monday full-time . I suggested getting a cleaner so that we can focus our time off work on our son ( he will be going to a childminder) . My partner is totally against getting a cleaner and thinks we should manage on our own and that I should get on top of it[/quote]
He thinks YOU should get on top of it? Only you? Why not him? I think HE should get on top of it too.

We had a cleaner. It was a lifesaver.

LouKelly · 04/06/2021 00:38

This isnt about cleaning ,its about him telling you what you should be doing ,you need to let him know that you will or will not do whatever the fuck you want or dont want to do ,stand up to him now or you will be in deep shit in a couple of years .

Helenahandbasket1 · 04/06/2021 05:01

It is totally normal that your baby doesn’t want to be put down and ignored. You’re doing a great job by responding to his needs. 🤍 Don’t listen to anyone who says you ‘need’ to sleep train. If it doesn’t feel right to you then don’t leave him to cry because your husband wants you to clean the house. I find it a bit strange that your husband just lets your baby cry. Does he generally lack empathy or is he just a bit overwhelmed with parenting?

I find that being assertive in my relationship goes a long way. Divide up the chores, sit down with DH and work out who does what and let him know if he doesn’t stick to it then you will be arranging a cleaner.
Sadly society has devalued traditional ‘women’s work’ so many men are of the opinion that it is ‘easy’.

Helenahandbasket1 · 04/06/2021 05:04

And I forgot to say I am on mat leave with my 7 month old and we have had cleaners since she was 4 months old! Four people come once per week for 45 minutes and clean the bathrooms and toilet, the kitchen, dust, change the linen, vacuum and mop the floors.
Life changing. My only regret is that we didn’t do it sooner.

MaMaD1990 · 04/06/2021 05:24

Meant with the greatest respect, but at 10 months you should be able to push a hoover round or do some washing up etc. You've not responded directly to the questions about whether or not your DH would expect you to work full time and do all the cleaning, but the way you've worded your responses suggests that it would be both of you doing it. To be honest I don't think he's being unreasonable, as long as the cleaning is split fairly between you. I know it's hard to hear your child cry, but they do need to learn that sometimes you have to focus on something else for a bit. Can you get your DS involved? I'd put DD in the highchair whilst I washed up and she'd help me 'hang the laundry' on the clothes horses (it takes a million times longer but she was happy and loved helping me). If I needed to bleach the floors or do something she couldn't really get involved with, I'd set out some pots and pans with a wooden spoon for her to bang about with. And when all else failed, The Wiggles on Netflix for half an hour. There are ways around these things.

BreedingOinkers · 04/06/2021 05:32

A 10 month old baby doesn’t need to be glued to you. YABU.

Also, if you want a cleaner...get one! Why do you need his permission?

andivfmakes3 · 04/06/2021 05:46

YABU I have 5 month old twins and manage to get things done - I think when it's your first you are more scared to let them cry. Don't worry you won't be like this with the next one!

yoyo1234 · 04/06/2021 05:59

If both working full time care should be shared. Surely some housework has to be done eg washing up and laundry etc .

Mistyplanet · 04/06/2021 06:17

At that age your baby might play in a jumperoo so you can get some jobs done. Mine used to love it. Also you can do short 5 minute bursts of cleaning all throughout the day. Like when your cleaning your teeth give the sink and toilet a quick wipe. You can clean the kitchen while baby is having snacks in a high chair. Then when baby is in bed at the end of the day you can do a more thorough clean. No one feels like doing it but thats how most parents get cleaning done with children. I do think you can get on top of it as people have to juggle looking after multiple dc and cleaning and can do it in this way.

CrumpetyTea · 04/06/2021 06:28

why does he get to make the decision about getting a cleaner? can you afford one?
Maybe you can clean while looking after a baby maybe you can't- either was the cleaning limits the quality time /fun time with the baby.
That s even assuming he'd do his half or is considering the full list of chores

Mrsdoubtfireswig · 04/06/2021 06:31

Single parent with 11 month old and toddler, currently off on mat leave and toddler in nursery 4 days a week.

Its hard to keep on top of but doable and a necessity. My baby doesn’t sleep long and I don’t have a playpen so have to do things in short bursts.

I do:

  • load of washing most days, timed to finish in the morning then hung up when baby in jumperoo, dry clothes put away each night after bed
  • empty dishwasher whilst baby having morning snack in high chair
  • prep tea whilst baby having afternoon snack in high chair
  • dust / hoover upstairs once a week after nap when baby in cot (do downstairs later when both in bed)
  • clean bathroom one night a week after their baths when baby in cot
  • empty bins every night once they have gone to bed
  • other bigger / less frequent jobs like ironing, mopping floors, batch cooking are done of an evening couple of times a week
stayathomer · 04/06/2021 06:42

I said yanbu as I don't think your DP should be saying that BUT I do think you should be doing a little bit and you should be ready to leave the child down a certain amount. Cleaning doesn't have to be such a huge deal, there are plenty of handy tips and tricks eg put on the timer for 15-minutes and run around picking up clothes, giving a wipe or hoovering etc. A week off to do a spring clean isn't needed and I don't think a cleaner is either but your DP is going to have to help. Best of luck OP!

kavalkada · 04/06/2021 07:20

I hate when people assume what kind of a child OP has and what she can do with baby.

With my first my home was always picture perfect. He was a great sleeper and you could do anything with him. I'd put him in his chair in kitchen and cook and clean while talking to him. On the other hand, he hated his stroller and I couldn't move from the house unless I had him in my arms. He hated the baby carrier and the sling.

His sister on the other hand is the opposite. Never sleeps during the day and wakes up at least five times during the day. She doesn't move from me. But she loves her stroller so instead of cooking and cleaning we walk for hours.

It would be great if you could leave your husband for couple of days alone with the baby, although considering the fact that he lets her cry, maybe that is not the best idea. If he thinks you can do all by your self, no problem. When he has to change the sheets in bedrooms, clean the bathroom, hoover the house, just leave the baby with him and you cook in the kitchen in peace or something.

But, in your place, I would hire the cleaner. He is your husband, not your father, and if you have money to spare there is no need for him to agree.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 04/06/2021 07:29

I just cannot understand how you can not keep on top of it all with a 10 month old baby. if you pick your LO up everytime they cry you are going to end up with a whiny unsettled and clingy child. try being a single parent working full time - there is no time for any of that.

Kokosrieksts · 04/06/2021 07:35

OP, I understand you. I couldn’t do much else than look after our baby. Even when she was older and could start “helping” with throwing the socks in the washing machine or putting the laundry away or emptying dishwasher. I just really struggled with the slow paced having to fold and unfold the same shirt 7 times before putting away. So my house wasn’t clean for the first year, because I couldn’t. To all the super women that feel like they have to give a dig because they worked full time with 4 kids as a single parent whilst training for a marathon- good on you. People are different and so are their energy levels.

Kokosrieksts · 04/06/2021 07:40

Picking up your baby does not result in a clingy child, they develop secure attachment and get a safe foundation which leads to an exploring toddler (not clinging to mum).

Kitchendilemmas · 04/06/2021 08:12

Just chipping into say it's nonsense that responding to your baby's crying will mean they stay clingy forever. My DD2 was the clingiest baby in the world. I could not put her down at all. Now at 4, she is the most confident, chatty, friendly little girl. She talks to anyone and will happily play with other children. Hang in there @Susi2021, the first year of parenting is so hard. Your partner does need a boot up the arse though!

Pipsquiggle · 04/06/2021 10:25

All I would say to everyone saying ' you should be able to leave a 10 month baby to get on with other stuff' - is that all of my friends who have had lockdown babies after having children in 'normal' times have all said how exceptionally clingy they all are and can't get anything done. They have also all had difficulty settling into nursery.

It must be so difficult being a new mum with all the play groups being shut

Aria999 · 04/06/2021 12:54

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I just cannot understand how you can not keep on top of it all with a 10 month old baby. if you pick your LO up everytime they cry you are going to end up with a whiny unsettled and clingy child. try being a single parent working full time - there is no time for any of that.
Even if you don't pick the baby up every time they cry presumably you pick them up after a bit when they're getting hysterical...?

Dd hated the play pen and we have ungateable stairs so I couldn't do much other than nap time until she got confident on the stairs. I would take a few minutes here and there and had a few tricks like shutting us both in her bedroom to do laundry but it didn't add up to much.

Cactusesi · 04/06/2021 18:47

With the vast majority of babies, it is easy to be at home with a baby and do some cleaning.
There are many complaints on MN that men aren't pulling their weight around the house. It doesn't sound like you are pulling yours.

spandaubally · 04/06/2021 18:58

Are long maternity leave / stay at home mums who don't have the energy to do anything other than be with one baby so different from single mums who work, and look after several children and the house? Or is it just that the single mums don't have the choice to be lazy and are working their socks off? If you need to get the work done, you find a way round the problems and/or work harder.

Muststopeating · 04/06/2021 20:25

@spandaubally

Are long maternity leave / stay at home mums who don't have the energy to do anything other than be with one baby so different from single mums who work, and look after several children and the house? Or is it just that the single mums don't have the choice to be lazy and are working their socks off? If you need to get the work done, you find a way round the problems and/or work harder.
Just because the person next to you has their leg blown off doesn't mean the nail in your foot doesn't hurt!

Of course single, working mums have a phenomenally difficult time of it! I absolutely take my hats off to them.

But if life doesn't HAVE to be difficult, why make it? The house has to be good enough, it doesn't have to be perfect. Everyone is entitled to choose their own priorities and a DP that dictated mine to me wouldn't be a DP for long! As long as the baby is safe and loved then feck it.

Also, first babies are hard! Sure, by the time you've had 2 or 3 you wonder why you ever thought 1 was hard... but at the time you did!

Finally, those of you who did manage it all (single mums aside) did you have partners who took the baby and gave you a break once in a while? Cos it doesn't sound like OP does.

CalishataFolkart · 04/06/2021 20:31

“Ok DP I will clean more. It means I will have to actively ignore your child when he cries. Are you happy with that?”

Cactusesi · 04/06/2021 22:07

Your child might be crying because your house is so filthy.

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