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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My partner says I should clean more

128 replies

Susi2021 · 03/06/2021 15:24

We have a 10 month old baby and I'm currently on maternity leave.

My partner thinks that I should clean more in the house and keep it tidy since I'm at home all day long.

I find this extremely difficult. My baby doesn't sleep well at all during the day, never has, he sleeps maybe for half an hour at a time and then wakes up. He's extremely clingy and doesn't like it when I leave him in his playpen. I need to play with him and sometimes I can sit on the sofa and watch him play, but then I need to supervise him and can't clean.

When he's finally sleeping, I don't feel like cleaning, I feel like I need to breathe and sit down with a cup of tea and relax.

My partner says he could have the baby and clean at the same time and do stuff in the house. He has never been one day without me though since he was born!

I also noticed with him it doesn't bother him to do something else while our baby cries. Case in point I went out to a restaurant with my friend the other day and asked him to look after our son while I was out.

When I came home he was in the middle of installing a babygate ( which I appreciate) while our son was crying in his playpen.

If it had been, I would have had to pick our baby up. I can't work while my baby is crying.

I had this discussion with him many times, but he thinks I'm lazy.

AIBU to think he's massively unfair and doesn't understand the reality of being with a baby all day long?

OP posts:

CaraherEIL · 03/06/2021 16:47

God sanctimonious git.
Tell him he doesn’t rule the house.
Tell him you think that a cleaner would make life much happier for all concerned and say that you intend to employ a cleaner on a 3 month trial.
Have a trial with a cleaner for a few months and then revisit it again.

Bluntness100 · 03/06/2021 16:50

Are some people not reading the thread? She’s clearly stated before rhe baby housework was shared equally but her husbands comments are as she’s off on maternity leave he feels she can do more than jist look after the baby.

Which to be fair in most instances is true, for many parents getting it done is the only option. However the op is unable to get any of it done.

Op maybe when he goes to a child minder it will get easier, hopefully for you.

Forestdweller11 · 03/06/2021 16:51

Needs to be 'we' doing the cleaning/ tidying/childcare

LagunaBubbles · 03/06/2021 16:54

My partner is totally against getting a cleaner and thinks we should manage on our own and that I should get on top of it

Shouldn't this be him as well?

PleasantBirthday · 03/06/2021 16:55

When Dad retired, he and my mother took on looking after my infant nephew as childcare. He said to me once that when he was younger and working, he did wonder from time to time what (as he put it) "the young women would be doing all the time at home". He said knew now and was lucky to not know then.

2bazookas · 03/06/2021 17:11

My partner says he could have the baby and clean at the same time and do stuff in the house.

Great; give him a mop and the baby and leave them to it..

He has never been one day without me though since he was born!

No wonder he's so clingy.

It's not good for a baby that age to be so totally dependent on one carer. In case you have an accident or had to go into hospital , he needs to have a little circle of familiar safe adults he's used and happy being left with. Starting with his dad.

romany4 · 03/06/2021 17:17

My partner says he could have the baby and clean at the same time and do stuff in the house.

Then why hasn't he so far?

Nats1984 · 03/06/2021 17:32

I did keep the house pretty spotless when my son was that age, he was an unusually chilled baby though and after a trip to something like softplay or park in the morning he’d have a long sleep in the afternoon and I’d throw a curry or casserole in the oven and whizz around cleaning on our ‘at home’ days. Other days he was at nursery and me at work so I’d do it early in the morning. I was very ‘try hard ‘ then. He’s now a very demanding child and I must admit I’m more relaxed but I do a load of laundry every day and about an hours cleaning of whatever needs it most . It’s far from Instagram now but definitely acceptable. There’s probably a compromise to be had. I cleaned the kitchen while he was munching on his high chair with the tv on, cleaned the bathroom while he played in the bath etc. I’ve got health problems that sometimes slow me down a bit but I’m a bit old school and don’t like mess.

Pipsquiggle · 03/06/2021 17:44

See how it goes with the cleaning rota.

We both work full time and have a cleaner - she is a godsend. It stops the bickering at the weekend and who wants to spend the precious few spare hours you have in the evening / weekend cleaning?

If you can afford it, get a cleaner

TacoSunday · 03/06/2021 17:49

You sound like a great mum OP.

darkpink · 03/06/2021 17:55

I don't understand why you can't "supervise" the baby and clean at the same time. You can put the baby on the floor or in a playpen in the room you're cleaning, and then get on with it, touching base with the baby as you go. Speaking as a single mum who ran a business, did everything in the house, and looked after a baby and a toddler (they went to nursery part-time).

BestOfABadLot · 03/06/2021 17:55

Bloody hell the baby is only home with you properly for a year. Much better he has a responsive parent and the house is a little messier. If cleaning's so easy your DP can do it when he gets home from work.

CandyLeBonBon · 03/06/2021 18:01

@darkpink

Some people find doing that easier than others. I struggled too with my eldest. You might have found that possible but not everyone dies and there's no shame in admitting that.

LittleBearPad · 03/06/2021 18:04

What cleaning aren’t you doing?

Is it keeping the house vaguely tidy, loading the dishwasher, doing the laundry - in which case YABU, particularly with a 10 month old.

Is it cleaning top to bottom every week in which case YANBU.

partyatthepalace · 03/06/2021 18:26

Well it depends on how messy the house is, but yes if you are home full time I’d expect you to keep it in a half decent state. You should be able to leave a 10 month old to do that.

However if you are going back to work on Monday, want to get a cleaner and can just about afford one, then just tell your partner that’s what’s happening. You clearly don’t find it easy getting to housework, it’s causing friction and it will be tiring for both of you working ft. Be assertive and say it’s what you need so you’re doing it.

Him saying you need to get on top of it now you are going back to work is an alarm bell though. If you are both FT at work childcare housework and food prep needs to be 50/50. Have you been clear about that?? If not that’s a priority,

Zzelda · 03/06/2021 18:53

My partner says he could have the baby and clean at the same time and do stuff in the house.

Tell him to do it then, but make it clear that it's on the assumption that you can turn up at any time and you won't find the baby being ignored or in distress.

Having said all of that, with a return to work imminent, you haven't been doing your baby any favours in not encouraging him to learn to play on his own at least some of the time. The sooner you start to do so, the better.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/06/2021 23:25

Unpopular opinion I know but I do think you should be able to keep on top of cleaning etc while looking after a 10m old baby. They do have to learn you wont be holding them 24/7 and by 10m they can sit or crawl around with some toys while you wipe the counters or clean the loo. I used to hoover with mine in a baby carrier.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/06/2021 23:28

You can be responsive and fit in cleaning! A 10m old doesnt need to be held continuously, they usually want to be crawling around on the floor. You can be chatting to them and interacting while doing things and at that age lots of housework is just like one big game to them - chucking socks in the washing machine, tidying toys etc

SarahAndQuack · 03/06/2021 23:34

@Bluntness100

Which to be fair in most instances is true, for many parents getting it done is the only option. However the op is unable to get any of it done.

Op maybe when he goes to a child minder it will get easier, hopefully for you.

Where do you get that from?

I've read the thread twice now after your comment and I still can't see why you think she says the housework was shared equally. What am I missing?

Gothichouse40 · 03/06/2021 23:38

Does he now? Well I'd show him what a duster, a mop and a vacumn cleaner look like and tell him if he's not happy with the state of your home- he can make a start. What a cheek. I bet you don't have time to be lazy. He should be asking you what can he do to help.

BonnieDundee · 03/06/2021 23:44

My partner is totally against getting a cleaner and thinks we should manage on our own and that I should get on top of it

Who is this we who should manage it? Is it you while he relaxes on the sofa with a drink or is it truly we?

SarahAndQuack · 03/06/2021 23:45

FWIW, when my DD was 10 months I found it a piece of piss to keep the house tidy. DP and I found it very easy to amuse DD and we did the housework around her with no bother ...

The only problem was months 1-7 and 11 onwards!

Honestly, if someone had suggested I do more cleaning around my 11 month baby, I would have punched them. It was a bloody nightmare - she'd had a massive leap of mobility combined with a total collapse of sleep routines, a some issue with the transition to cow's milk meant she projectile vomited multiple times per night on random days spread over several weeks, so you could never know when you'd have a night jumping up and down stripping beds every half hour between midnight and 5 am.

I guess my point is, if the OP's husband really wants to have a say about cleaning, he needs to be involved in the good and the bad of childcare.

thebeesknees123 · 03/06/2021 23:47

Nip this in the bud or it'll continue to be your job up until he leaves home!

Looking after a 10 month old is work. You are not home for the house, you are home for the baby. Anything else you get done apart from the bare minimum is a bonus. Health visitors often tell new mums to lower their standards but they don't tell the men that! They should.

When you are back at work, the home and the baby should be 50/50 responsibility. Time to toughen up and get that point across now - that the house is a team and parenting is a two man job.

I wish I had done that a lot sooner. I worked very part time when mine were small and didn't have a career so all things house and child were seen as my domain. I very gradually increased my hours over the years but old habits die hard.

thelegohooverer · 04/06/2021 00:13

Has he kept up with his normal share of the chores while you were on maternity leave?

If he won’t countenance a cleaner, then split the chores so that you take responsibility for things like laundry, cooking and gardening and put the money you would have contributed to a cleaner towards an occasional laundrette wash/ ironing service, gardener visit. Let him scrub the toilets and hoover

Take a look at the list of jobs that @CassandraTrotter mentioned on page2 and don’t leave anything out when you’re dividing up the workload. And don’t forget to include night feeds, expressing or bf-img if you are. Who gets up in the night?

Sceptre86 · 04/06/2021 00:19

You are both being unreasonable in my opinion. Him for thinking cleaning is your sole responsibility and not helping enough with the baby. Working full time is no excuse, why wouldn't he want to spend time in the evenings with his child? This would allow you to get the rest you need.

On the other hand yabu in that you can't mange to clean with a 10 month old baby, many parents manage with a newborn and older children. You have to prioritise what needs done there and then and yes, sometimes that means letting the little one cry. You also need to lower your expectations and change things. For example when I had two under 2 I would use my dishwasher, do laundry on set days so I didn't have clothes all over the house, I would hoover 2x a week but brush daily and use a handheld mini hoover to pick up crumbs on carpet. You didn't give your lo very long to settle in to nursery, hopefully they will settle well with the childminder.

Once you're back at work do not settle for doing everything with your lo and all the domestic chores. It shouldn't be all up to you. If he can't understand where you are coming from or be a team player then he needs to be ditched. I hope things improve for you x

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