What would you do? Am I being unreasonable?

[123KLB]

My MIL bought both my daughters these Silver charm Bracelets when they were born. Theyre quite bulky and old fashioned. She keeps buying another charm to add to them every so often. The problem is, personally, I absolutely hate charm bracelets. I do not think they look nice. I’m a very “delicate” kind if Jewellery kind of person. My daughters are only little and too young to wear jewellery yet anyway but my MIL keeps banging on about them all the time..because she has one and she wanted them to have the same.
I realise she has bought them something “special” or she thinks is special but I really get a bit wound up by it. ( bit of extra info- she is a very opinionated, narcissistic lady who never ever listens to anyone, and is very eccentric. She is quite rude and even my husband gets cross and wound up with her alot).
Is it unreasonable of me to have expected my MIL to have run by us what jewellery she was going to buy? I find jewellery a very personal choice. If I ever have grandchildren I know I wouldnt buy them Jewellery without asking my daughters first. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place because my husband thinks i am being ungrateful on this one. I am grateful for the thought...but they are such Ugly bracelets I dont want my girls to ever wear them. I think as well its because they’re like the one she wears and so its so full of importance to HER,( she loves to try and tell me that my children have HER hair colour, HER curly hair, HER flare for singing or acting and that SHE is going to tutor my children in amateur dramatics one day😩). Am I being just weird about the bracelets or does anyone else think its something she should have asked me about first?

Thanks @Baws my MIL is unlike anyone Ive ever met. Youre right. These people dont know the half of what I’ve put up with throughout the years.
Ive always been Curtious and polite to her ...my husband is the one who is rude to her and even shouts at her which I find upsetting and have to try and get him to make peace with her.
Just want to put it out there I havent even said to my MIL anything about my feelings about them. I’ve just never liked charm bracelets but ..this is a woman who when I bought her some nice bubble bath a few christmases ago said to me (and infront of everyone else so made me feel a complete idiot) “oh...well...it’ll do in an emergency” . Thats ungrateful and rude!
Also a jumper i picked for my husband off my daughter when she was very little one christmas..he actually, that same christmas morning, said to his dad When he mentioned he needed a new jumper “oh I’ve got a jumper you can have dad” and gave the jumper to his dad infront of me!
Ive never been openly ungrateful or rude or horrible like that!
Sometimes you need to just put things out there to people who can be a mediator..but the likes of the nasty people on here saying rude things to me like they have shouldnt hold their breathe to become any kind of mediator.

I think your MIL sounds lovely. Wish mine had done similar for my daughter. When your girls get older & MIL is no longer around, those bracelets will be a treasured memory.

You don't like charm bracelets. Doesn't mean your children won't. YABU. VU.

Just to let you know how else I’m “controlling” of my children (as someone said)
I choose what is suitable for them to watch on tv, I choose their clothes from the shops, what they can eat, where they can go....at the age of 3 and 5 I am such a terrible parent “controlling“ what they do 🙄

@123KLB you’re taking this way too personally, you asked about ONE specific situation where you were clearly unreasonable, you got firm answers on that. Your opening post was all about how the MIL was a nightmare and this is just the latest example. She may well be a nightmare, but you have ZERO evidence for that beyond a situation that showed the opposite.

So on the info you showed us: MIL 0 problem, you 1 problem. Does that help explain the responses?

I think you need to back off here. Maybe your DDs will like them, maybe they’ll hate them but hate to tell you that they will have different taste to you and you won’t have control over what they’ll wear forever. My DD won’t wear anything except leggings and hoodies now- not my style at all and she’s so slim and pretty but she’s asserting her own sense of style. Your DDs will do this too. Let your MIL be. It’s really not worth a fight

@123KLB

Just to let you know how else I’m “controlling” of my children (as someone said) I choose what is suitable for them to watch on tv, I choose their clothes from the shops, what they can eat, where they can go....at the age of 3 and 5 I am such a terrible parent “controlling“ what they do 🙄

I agree that you aren't controlling in any of this behaviour - that's just good parenting. What you do need to do is address your issues with your MIL and not do it passive aggressively through the gifts she gives your children by not allowing them to wear them. It does come across petty and spiteful, regardless of her behaviour towards you (which doesn't sound nice).

OP you asked us to comment if you were being unreasonable about the charm bracelets which we did and I think you just need to accept that you are. Launching into a diatribe about how bad you’ve had it with MIL over the years really isn’t garnering you any sympathy for your original argument, and then getting all sarcastic about how else you’re ‘controlling’ with your kids is just making you sound petty and childish.

If you’re not willing to hear an opinion that differs to your own then you shouldn’t have asked. I agree that sounds like you’ve put up with lot over the years but that wasn’t what the OP was about was it? Just take this one on this chin and move on.

@123KLB
You just sound like a decent normal parent to me. My DDs are grown up now but family members always asked before buying them gifts, just as I would I’m buying presents for other family members. A few posters have disagreed with you politely which is fine, you don’t deserve insults etc. Ignore them, maybe they’re overly controlling MILs!
Seriously though, I hope this isn’t how they conduct themselves in real life!
I think you and your DH need to come up with a plan to just politely say no to her if her behaviour gets a bit much. When the next birthday/Christmas comes around can you drop into conversation that DDs would really like something in particular? She probably won’t take the hint but might be worth a try.

I wouldn’t tell MIL not to buy them as it’s her choice, but equally so I wouldn’t actively encourage my child to wear them. I’d keep them in their jewellery box or drawer or whatever, and if they find them and decide that they like them and want to wear them then that’s their choice.

Chill OP. You asked specifically and you got the answer, overwhelming.

However much a nightmare your MiL is - and yep she sounds it-
this is a petty, petty hill to die on.

It makes YOU look petty and harsh.

I know that people can really get under your skin. Family members especially. It sounds like she really, really has. Work on letting her horrible behaviour not affect you.

You can't control others but you can control yourself.

She sounds a horrible women but what you are doing is projecting all of that onto a couple of bracelets. That don't even belong you.

I have a charm bracelet that my suntie would regularly gift me new 'charms' for. Its sweet, sentimental and a keepsake. I don't think I've ever worn it, and that diesnt bother my auntie. That's not the point of it. It's not really jewellery.. it's a keepsake full of years of love and each charm was often picked for a reason ( I e. Ballet slippers charm when I took up ballet).
Also you daughters could grow up to be tomboy and never even wear jewellery..ita not mandatory to wear jewellery. But it is rare to have a sentimental piece like that so I think YABVVVU

You have to realise that respondents only have your message to form judgements on. It's quite possible in real life she is a nightmare and you're lovely but people are just responding to that one message you've put up. Some people are better than others at getting across what the issue is. From your original post it's hard to see what the grandmother has done wrong. Most people don't agree that all gifts should be run by parents and that could be perceived as controlling.

God mumsnet has made me dread becoming a MIL.

OP if you had only written about the relationship with your awful MIL you would probably have got supportive replies.

The charm bracelets threw a lot of posters. Because they’re a nice gift for the kids and aren’t the issue.

Plus sometimes the first few replies set the tone and then people tend to pile in with the same sort of response.

It seems to me the charm bracelets are the last straw for you. Try not to take this thread and all the harsh replies at face value. Have a look at how you can manage your MIL’s boundary pushing.

God mumsnet has made me dread becoming a MIL.

Meh - most relationships rub along ok if the expectations are sensible considering that we none of us choose our in-laws - both sides are stuck with each other. Posters here are going to be those where there is a problem (real or imagined).

The MIL/DIL dynamic specifically gets overloaded with expectations, but most still work together with the odd bit of tutting and eye rolling either end of a phone line. If you aim for a working relationship rather than a "besties" relationship its a lot easier.

Shove them in a drawer @123KLB .. and let them decide whether to wear or put them in their own drawer when they are old enough.

it's all you can do really.

You're not a controlling Mother.. you just have a difficult dynamic with your InLaws, and your DH sounds pretty unhelpful. 🌸

You're being weird. They aren't your bracelets, they're your daughters'.

I have a bracelet like this and have had it since I was a child. I've worn it only a handful of times but I still treasure it and each charm that has been bought for it has a meaning or signifies something special, so I treasure it despite never wearing it.

YABU.

I'm guessing Pandora bracelets? Or some other similar branded knock-off? Yes, fashion-wise, they've kind of had their day. But like all things, they'll probably come back again before long.

But at the end of the day, this isn't a bracelet problem, or a style problem, this is a "your relationship with MIL" problem. You just seem to be condensing all your issues and irritations with her into something more tangible - in this case, bracelets.

Just let it go.

As for all the other "they'll have my hair colour/be great singers!" etc. Just "grey rock" it. In other words, be really REALLY boring about it. She says something like that, either stone cold silence, or a confused stare, or just a simple "huh" before turning away. MAKE IT AWKWARD!

Buy your daughters a fine silver chain each and let them wear a charm as a necklace when they are a little older. MIL will be pleased and they might enjoy wearing, say, a heart or a little dog.

I hate jewellery on kids.. I really do.. tangled necklaces .. earrings .. bangles. etc.. chocking hazards are what they are ..

Let them grow up somewhat and let them chose what they want to wear. 🌸

@BlueButtercups

I hate jewellery on kids.. I really do.. tangled necklaces .. earrings .. bangles. etc.. chocking hazards are what they are ..

Let them grow up somewhat and let them chose what they want to wear. 🌸

They don't have to wear them - they can be an item that follows their lives.

My mother has never worn her charm bracelet GD bought her for her 16th birthday. She's never worn a bracelet in her life - or a necklace after she wore the pearls my GM was given by her grandmother in about 1920. It's got charms for her 16th, going into nursing, her 21st, her engagement, wedding, her first baby...he got another added on for each significant event in her life. It's the one thing she has that he didn't just hold, he chose for her and added to regularly to mark her life.