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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do? Am I being unreasonable?

228 replies

123KLB · 03/06/2021 09:06

My MIL bought both my daughters these Silver charm Bracelets when they were born. Theyre quite bulky and old fashioned. She keeps buying another charm to add to them every so often. The problem is, personally, I absolutely hate charm bracelets. I do not think they look nice. I’m a very “delicate” kind if Jewellery kind of person. My daughters are only little and too young to wear jewellery yet anyway but my MIL keeps banging on about them all the time..because she has one and she wanted them to have the same.
I realise she has bought them something “special” or she thinks is special but I really get a bit wound up by it. ( bit of extra info- she is a very opinionated, narcissistic lady who never ever listens to anyone, and is very eccentric. She is quite rude and even my husband gets cross and wound up with her alot).
Is it unreasonable of me to have expected my MIL to have run by us what jewellery she was going to buy? I find jewellery a very personal choice. If I ever have grandchildren I know I wouldnt buy them Jewellery without asking my daughters first. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place because my husband thinks i am being ungrateful on this one. I am grateful for the thought...but they are such Ugly bracelets I dont want my girls to ever wear them. I think as well its because they’re like the one she wears and so its so full of importance to HER,( she loves to try and tell me that my children have HER hair colour, HER curly hair, HER flare for singing or acting and that SHE is going to tutor my children in amateur dramatics one day😩). Am I being just weird about the bracelets or does anyone else think its something she should have asked me about first?

OP posts:
mamamalt · 03/06/2021 12:46

I think you should be grateful someone loves your children enough to do something thoughtful like this for them. It sounds lovely. YABU

TheyIsMyFamily · 03/06/2021 12:49

Laughing at the 'jewellery is a personal choice' attitude versus 'I don't like them so I don't want my daughters to like/wear them' attitude.

This is about you and your dislike of your MIL. Grow up.

Blossomtoes · 03/06/2021 12:51

@RedHelenB

Let your children have them. Their tastes might be more like their Granny's. Just because they're your children doesn't mean you gey to choose who or what they like.
This. I’m guessing your daughters will treasure them because Granny put a lot of time and thought into them.
katy1213 · 03/06/2021 12:53

Horrible things - and once you've got one, that's a lifetime of boring presents ahead! (I had to make a stand for my 21st, decades ago, and announce that I really, really didn't want one!)
Could you say that they've got enough charms for now - and she needs to leave space for charms for their own meaningful events?
Then shove them in the back of a cupboard until they're older.

Allywill · 03/06/2021 12:57

Agree once they are older they will make their own decisions about what they wear, jewellery and all. Just understand they will not base it on what you think looks nice and nor should they (or anyone else). My dd has a nose ring. I think it is hideous and looks like a bull/cow. Do I like it? Nope. Is it her choice to wear it? Absolutely yes. I keep my nose out (see what I did there!)

tara66 · 03/06/2021 12:58

YABVU - Not read many posts but -

  1. Charm bracelets are fashionable again - you should know that! (I know it because I am in touch with jewellery marketing every day). They may not be your taste though.
  2. They were not given to you and your daughters may or may not like them now/when they get older and it is not for you to stop them from having them. You should NOT thrust your tastes onto them.
  3. They were quite a thoughtful gift which can be added to every year with a new charm maybe for 10 - 15 years - which the girls can anticipate every year and look back on regarding which charm they got which year.
  4. These bracelets create a ''bond'' with the grandmother - who is their direct family but not yours. They will last forever and can be given on to their own grandchildren - like an heirloom perhaps. (of course better if they had been gold!). They are a good thing.
Peach01 · 03/06/2021 12:59

YABU. It's not for you. This is a thoughtful gift from their gran. A keepsake.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 03/06/2021 12:59

@TheyIsMyFamily

Laughing at the 'jewellery is a personal choice' attitude versus 'I don't like them so I don't want my daughters to like/wear them' attitude.

This is about you and your dislike of your MIL. Grow up.

This is what struck me... Did you notice the OP didn’t bother to mention what the children thought about them? I bet they love them which is why the OP has such a bug up her butt about them.
Cherrysoup · 03/06/2021 13:00

Yabvu and you know it. This is far more about your dislike of your mil than the bracelets. Just smile and nod when she buys more. They can always be sold later if your dd don’t like them.

Starsolight · 03/06/2021 13:04

I think you are being unfair.
Think about what you want to teach your children?
I want to teach mine to accept a gift graciously, even if it is not to personal taste.
Gratefulness is very important and to be dismissive over someone’s attempt to be sentimental could be seen as quite cruel, even if mil has a history of being difficult.
The bracelets could be worn once in a while and put away in a drawer but in years to come you little ones may take them out once and a while and think of her fondly.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 03/06/2021 13:08

This is the 2nd ‘mean DiL’ post I’ve seen on here today.

You do have to feel sorry for the poor old MiLs sometimes.
I’m often thankful that I’ve only got dds.

Stressedout65 · 03/06/2021 13:10

You are being very unreasonable. They're gifts from her to them. Let them make the decision on whether or not they like them when they're older. Even if they don't want to wear them they will probably hold some sentimental value for your daughters when they are older & she's passed away. What harm is she doing anyway? Better than a grandparent who has no interest in their grandchildren...

Blossomtoes · 03/06/2021 13:13

These bracelets create a ''bond'' with the grandmother - who is their direct family but not yours

I suspect this is the root of OP’s problem.

Bellyups · 03/06/2021 13:15

Wow. You are utterly unreasonable.

You say you find her controlling, yet state that you ‘don’t want your daughters to wear them’. How ironic.
She has bought a thoughtful present for your children, and it is up to them if they wear them or not. Who says they will have the same style as you? Even if they do, the bracelets are a lovely keepsake they will have forever from their grandmother.
You do come across really quite badly

Topseyt · 03/06/2021 13:29

My sister and I had one of these each when we were growing up. They were from our parents and a new charm was added every Christmas or birthday each year until the bracelet was so full it could take no more.

I still have mine (and I am in my fifties). I haven't worn it since I was a child but I do like it as a keepsake and I look fondly at the charms on it whenever I do delve into my jewellery box, which isn't that often. They are reminders of childhood Christmases and birthdays past, and it is especially poignant now as my Dad died earlier this year and he was the one tasked with attaching all of the charms.

The choice of whether or not they like the bracelets is for your daughters to make. Not you.

You clearly don't like your MIL, and there must be a fair bit of backstory, but I don't see the charm bracelets in themselves as anything objectionable so yes, you are being ungrateful and unreasonable here. Let this one slide and let your daughters themselves decide when or if to wear THEIR bracelets.

LowlandLucky · 03/06/2021 13:31

How dare someone buy your children something that you personally haven't consented to. You need to give your head a wobble.

HoppingPavlova · 03/06/2021 13:42

YABVU. And bonkers. I take it your children are very young? It seems you are expecting that a) they will be clones of you with what you like and don’t like and b) when older you will be able to either dictate their personal tastes or just impose your own on them. So the whole ‘I will never let them wear them’ is so odd. I’m guessing you are going to have a whole lot of grief raising your kids with your current attitude.

Maybe one, or both of your your DDs will have the same tastes as your MIL when they get older and discover their own personal style. Maybe this will be their favourite piece of jewellery. Maybe it won’t be their thing and they will never wear it. Who knows.

And no, typically people wouldn’t expect others to get approval for these sorts of purchases as they are not that controlling.

YanTanTethera123 · 03/06/2021 14:03

@Cherrysoup

Yabvu and you know it. This is far more about your dislike of your mil than the bracelets. Just smile and nod when she buys more. They can always be sold later if your dd don’t like them.
Unreasonable, ungrateful and completely out of order OP. I have two; one is silver with charms my mum gave me over my teenage years, the other one is her gold one. It’s very heavy and I doubt if I will wear it because I would hate to lose it, but I enjoy looking at it and recalling what she told me about the various charms. Some are 70+ years old.
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/06/2021 14:09

I can't stop smiling at
that SHE is going to tutor my children in amateur dramatics one day that would be far worse than the jewellery.

I;ve skimmed so I don't know how old your DDs are, If they were young enough to swallow a charm, so I'd insist they kept them for when they were old enough.

But otherwise, I'd just let her get on with it. Your girls don't have to wear them everyday but it might make her happy if they wore them to her birthday party. Otherwise they will probably just sit in a drawer and be looked at occasionally.
There's bigger things to worry about.

MsSquiz · 03/06/2021 14:27

You're being very unreasonable.
Your daughters will have bracelets full of charms from grandma for when they grow up to wear or to keep.

Why is it such a big deal to you?
Do you honestly think you will like everything your daughters wear, or that they will always be styled to your tastes?!

VeganCheesePlease · 03/06/2021 14:29

Yabu and you have tried to make your MiL sound like a horrible person to get people to side with you.
She's got a lovely gift for her granddaughters and it doesn't matter that you don't like them. This is something special they will have from her, and something they can cherish well into their adulthood when their grandmother isn't there anymore.

SuperstoreFan · 03/06/2021 14:29

You're being unreasonable and you know it.

OhToBeASeahorse · 03/06/2021 14:32

God life's hard isn't it?

One2Three4Five6 · 03/06/2021 14:42

This is a bigger problem than just the bracelet though isn't it... Going from your post you don't seem to like your MIL much.

I have a charm bracelet, from my maternal Grandma, who like your MIL bought it for me when I was tiny, and bought charms for it everytime she went somewhere.
I'm not a big jewellery wearer, however I LOVE my bracelet, I love looking at my charms, looking at all the souvineers of places my Grandma went, and it's charming to think she was thinking of me each time she bought me a new charm.
Now that she has passed it means even more to me. It's a reminder of how much my Grandma thought of me, and I miss her a lot. I'm never going to receive another charm from her, not that I have any room left on mine, it's huge, chunky, and while it will never be worn daily, I adore it.
So for that I think you are entirely unreasonable.
You complain about MIL trying to mould them into mini HERs (just looking at the way you word the last section of your OP) but you are missing the fact you are trying to mould them into mini YOUs.
They are their own people, who will have their own identities no matter how much you all try to make them what you want them to be.

They don't have to wear them all the time, but the charm bracelets should be kept somewhere safe for them to do what THEY want to do with them in their future.

user1497787065 · 03/06/2021 14:46

I have a silver charm bracelet that I was given when I was about ten and each charm on it has a significance. I probably have about fifteen charms on it. I never wear it but it is lovely to look at from time to time and remember the silver Isle of Wight signifying a holiday there, a cross and a cathedral on my confirmation etc

I would just allow MIL to carry on. We all have different taste. I know people love the Pandora type bracelets which are so popular at the moment. Personally I prefer the charm bracelet.