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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask - if you could go back in time would you still decide to have children?

304 replies

Sunflowers095 · 02/06/2021 22:16

I know parents love their kids and it's not a question of regret. But knowing what you know now, if you could go back in time (pre-children) and assuming you wouldn't get the same DC's again - would you decide to become a parent? If so, why/why not?

I feel like it can be a taboo topic and can often lead to unrealistic expectations of parenthood. As a fence sitter I'd be keen to hear everyone's opinions :)

OP posts:

Sciurus83 · 02/06/2021 22:27

I was a fence sitter for a long time, but i can earnestly say that nothing has brought me more joy and happiness than my daughter. So no, I wouldn't change it.

colouringindoors · 02/06/2021 22:32

It's such a hard one. All I'd ever wanted was to be a mum and it took a while to fall pregnant. And if I hadn't I'd have bern devastated. But everything that's happened since (not their fault, OH with severe mental illness and ASD traits)... has been a nightmare. So a lot of me (although it feels like a betrayal of my dc) would say No.

YesItsMeIDontCare · 02/06/2021 22:37

No I wouldn't. It's only since becoming a mother that I've realised what an absolute shit show of a life we live in. It was fine when DS was younger, but he's nearly an adult now and it's not pretty out there.

Also assuming you wouldn't get the same DC's again then an even bigger no. The one I've got is a star and I'm really proud of him.

ThornAmongstRoses · 02/06/2021 22:37

I love my children so so so much - they bring so much love and joy into my life.

However - if I was reincarnated I would absolutely choose to not have children because the childfree couples I know have amazing lifestyles that I’m super jealous of I’d love to try out that way of living!!

LemonRoses · 02/06/2021 22:38

Absolutely, probably more.

Original poster

Sunflowers095 · 02/06/2021 22:38

@colouringindoors

Thank you for being so honest! No worries about betraying your DC, in this purely hypothetical scenario we're assuming you wouldn't get the same child (so it's exactly like pre-children where you don't know what you'll get I guess).

OP posts:

Keepmekeeping · 02/06/2021 22:40

I would have 1 more in between ds1 and ds2. If I was rich I would have had 4 or 5.

Grenlei · 02/06/2021 22:41

Yes, without hesitation. My eldest saved me from the darkest time of my life. Both have brought me great joy; my life without children would be meaningless.

I do wish I'd had more time and money when they were younger, and family around us.

An0n0n0n · 02/06/2021 22:41

Was also on the fence. Had my son, love him to bits but most days are a grind. I would not ever have a second. Ever. And im lucky that he is relatively easy (now, he was a terrible sleeper until he was about 18 months).

I would have children again but only one. I get broody but then i remember how long it has taken to get to this point, how grumpy ive felt most days and remind myself im a better mum to one than i ever would be to 2.

AFS1 · 02/06/2021 22:42

Absolutely. I just can’t imagine not being a mum. I’m not particularly good at many aspects of parenting, and there are tough days, but I genuinely get so much joy from my kids.

I think if I could do over, I would have my first child a bit later and my second child a bit sooner. I don’t think my partner and I made the most of being child free.

Voiceofreason92 · 02/06/2021 22:42

Id stop at two. Had third just before lockdown, so the last year has been hell on earth withhome schooling one, looking after a toddler and a newborn

HaNNaHC92 · 02/06/2021 22:42

Most definitely. I absolutely love being a Mummy. I have a 3yr old, 21 month old and 19 day old newborn. As hectic as it is, I can't think of nothing better. They are my world and more and they bring such a smile to my face and warmth to my heart. I really feel they are the only thing to make me genuinely happy and that being a Mum was what I was born to do. Both me and OH agree, for us, life was nothing before children and its definitely a lot better with them here with us.

cocoloco987 · 02/06/2021 22:42

Yes, I wish I'd had 1 more tbh!

AllHallowsEve14 · 02/06/2021 22:42

No :-( I hate myself for feeling this way but I struggle everyday.

Guineapigginghell · 02/06/2021 22:42

I find most of motherhood/patenthood absolutely soul destroying and incredibly draining and hard work but I could never ever be without my dc. So on balance I probably wouldn't change it. Though I may well be happier if we didn't have kids. Sometimes it's rose tinted specs though... because I have always been a pretty miserable person looking back haha.

Original poster

Sunflowers095 · 02/06/2021 22:43

Good mix of answers so far, thank you! I'm leaning towards child free but it feels like this huge irreversible choice either way which seems very scary. Equally any child free people who regret/don't regret their choice please feel free to post :)

OP posts:

AreyouthereGoditsme · 02/06/2021 22:43

I have often thought this and dared to say it out loud but it wasn't well received. Obviously I love them and they brighten every single day but I don't think I would, at the very least I'd wait a lot longer to make sure it was what I wanted.

DulseSeaweed · 02/06/2021 22:43

I don't know. If it's replacing my particular very loved children with any children, I'd definitely consider a fabulous child free life. Holidays, loads of free time, early retirement. Last night I dreamt I was peering into a childfree couples house and watching them just watching TV in the middle of the day without a care in the world.

I love my kids, and they bring me happiness, but so do friends, learning new skills and languages, travel, hobbies, volunteering in the community, reading, sex in the middle of the day...and I do a fraction of what I did pre kids, probably won't for another 18 years and will definitely retire later or with slightly more humble pensions.

lavenderandwisteria · 02/06/2021 22:44

It’s not taboo on MN at all.

Ds has brought untold joy to my life though. So yes absolutely. I would like to sometimes have an hours peace though

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 02/06/2021 22:44

No. Never.
Of course the important bit is "knowing what I know now" - at the time the biological urge and longing for a baby was incredibly strong - probably nature's way of getting women to have a child, and certainly to have more than one!

But if I had known even a fraction of how it felt (for me this is) to be a mother, I would never have had children.

michealsmum1998 · 02/06/2021 22:45

No. Definitely not

Mapletreelane · 02/06/2021 22:46

Yes I would. I can't imagine my life without them. They give me strife and we're going through lots of teenage angst but they've opened up so much for me, seeing the world through their eyes and keeping me young. They educate me in life every day, I am constantly learning with them....not academically but emotionally. I want to be a fantastic role model for them which drives me in my personal and professional life.

Staffori · 02/06/2021 22:46

No, I wouldn't. My first grandchild was born last year and I despair at the world we've created for her generation.

crazycrofter · 02/06/2021 22:46

Yes, definitely. Mine are teens now and good company (some of the time!). I love seeing their personalities, gifts, interests develop, watching them make good friendships and having some experiences that I never had.

There are hard patches over the years but I’ve definitely got my life and freedom back now and feel I have the best of both worlds.

BoxHedge · 02/06/2021 22:47

Yes definitely, they bring me an immense amount of joy every day.

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