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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask - if you could go back in time would you still decide to have children?

304 replies

Sunflowers095 · 02/06/2021 22:16

I know parents love their kids and it's not a question of regret. But knowing what you know now, if you could go back in time (pre-children) and assuming you wouldn't get the same DC's again - would you decide to become a parent? If so, why/why not?

I feel like it can be a taboo topic and can often lead to unrealistic expectations of parenthood. As a fence sitter I'd be keen to hear everyone's opinions :)

OP posts:

Longdistance · 02/06/2021 23:56

According to my db he was surprised at us stopping at two dds. He thought we’d have at least four.
To me, I’d have been happy being the single mad cat lady doing my old job that I loved.

Nanny0gg · 02/06/2021 23:58

@Sunflowers095

I feel like it can be a taboo topic and can often lead to unrealistic expectations of parenthood. As a fence sitter I'd be keen to hear everyone's opinions :)

Nope. Not a natural parent. Would have had much less stress without

MistyFrequencies · 03/06/2021 00:02

Yes. 100% I'd have kids again. I'd start earlier and have more- I have 2 but if I got the choice I'd have maybe 5. I love being a mum. It's relentless but hilarious and humbling but invigorating. Best thing I ever did.

Mumof1andacat · 03/06/2021 00:12

No I wouldn't have a child knowing what I know now about being a parent. I was searching for something in my life and thought being a parent was that but it's not. It was a fulfilment of being happy as me as a person which I confused with parenting. Parenting as made me question my confidence in all parts of my life which certainly has not not made me fulfilled. I am finding things that are but now with having ds I cant complete them. He will be an adult one day and wont need me as much so I can pursue things more then. He is a good kid. I like him more as he gets older. We do ok.

londonscalling · 03/06/2021 00:15

I love my kids. However, I have struggled during their teenage years, and if I knew then what I know now, I'd have to give it some serious consideration!

TheMatryoshka · 03/06/2021 00:18

This is something I think about all the time, I had my three children young (20 years old with my first) and I didn't have a clue what I was doing with hindsight. We had a wonderful time of it though and I loved being a mum to young children and we were and are all so close. Now they are nearly all adults and the oldest two have gone off hundreds of miles in opposite directions for uni and have stayed in their uni towns - literally one on the south coast and one in North Scotland while we are in the Midlands. My youngest is in sixth form so will be going off soon. It's so so hard! I love them all so intensely and I miss having them around. I've been back at uni myself for the last three years retraining with full time placements while working part time so it's not like I'm bored or whatever and I'm really proud of them for being confident enough to get out there but I know that if anything happens to any of them it will literally destroy me. I find it really difficult that I can't gather them all up every evening and put them safely to bed under my roof! I'm sure that sounds a bit mad and I know that grief is the price of love but if I could do it again I would seriously think twice because I feel so vulnerable knowing I can't protect them and it's only going to get worse as they get older. Sigh. So I suppose I did my job properly and raised fearlessly independent, brilliant, kind humans but I worry myself stupid in case anything happens to them. I'd probably just get dogs if I could do it again tbh

BlackIsBlackIsBlack · 03/06/2021 00:24

Yes. I am just so lucky. I have a few in their twenties, and a younger one and they just love me, so much. So appreciative, and so kind, and caring. I, honestly, sometimes pinch myself. They are my world.

noblegreenk · 03/06/2021 00:26

Dd is 2.5yrs and until recently I'd have said that I wouldn't have had a child if I had a second chance. But then last week she told me she loved me for the first time (of her own volition) and I could tell she really meant it. It was the best feeling in the world! She also said "mummy, you're so beautiful" today when I was strapping her into the car seat. She really does adore me and I adore her too. These little things make the insane tantrums, money worries over childcare costs and sleeplessness all worth it.

BabyBearRus · 03/06/2021 00:29

I would absolutely not change a thing. Apart from perhaps I would have had them ten years earlier than I did. But, it can be bloody difficult at times. And yes, I do sometimes envy childless couples, with their luxury child free holidays and weekend lie ins. But I'm sure they also envy me. In fact my BIL and SIL are childless, and on the surface have a fabulous life. But she broke down in tears when I was six months pregnant, about her huge regret at not having children. I would rather be in my camp than hers. My BIL and SIL treat my kids like they are theirs 😯. My kids are my greatest joy. Frankly, my reason for living. And tbh I feel sorry for those who never get to experience such unconditional love towards another human being.

Weirdfan · 03/06/2021 00:36

I remember being adamant as a (fairly disillusioned) teenager that I wouldn't have kids because I thought the world was a shitty place and was only going to get worse and I stood by that throughout my 20's. I married DH at 30 and was very happy being step mum to his DC at weekends but still no desire for my own.

And then I got pregnant by accident (pill failure) and miscarried at 9 weeks and everything changed, it was like a switch flicked and all I wanted was my own baby. It took another 3 years and two more miscarriages before I had DD and I feel like all rational thought went out of the window completely for those years, none of my previous concerns seemed to matter. Trouble is they do matter, I still think the world is a shitty place and I wish I hadn't brought DD into it if I'm honest. I love her, am immensely proud of her and we're very close but no, I wouldn't choose to have a child if I could do it all again.

TheLeadbetterLife · 03/06/2021 00:42

I’m childfree by choice and don’t regret it one bit, though I never felt any kind of urge to reproduce so it was an easy decision. I am afraid of and repulsed by the idea of pregnancy too.

Parenting seems utterly exhausting and I honestly don’t know how people aren’t constantly worried about the future their children will live in. I’m worried about the future and I’ll hopefully be dead before the worst of it kicks in.

Whereismymojo · 03/06/2021 00:42

Knowing what I know now after accidentally getting pregnant at 38 and going on to have a second one, I wish I’d accidentally gotten pregnant sooner so I could have had more.

I never knew what it was like to love, until I accidentally got pregnant.

The love I receive from my children , I didn’t realise that bit either until kids came along - it’s like a big parenting secret - it’s the most awesome part of being alive.

TheMatryoshka · 03/06/2021 00:42

@BabyBearRus I get that, the unconditional love thing but it does sometimes feel like a terrible burden. Only because I feel like I have so much to lose if that makes sense? And I'm almost the opposite in that I'm glad I was a young mum but I do sometimes wish I'd waited a bit longer, I'm in my early forties and feeling the empty nest thing hard! At the same time I'm enjoying having a brand new professional career and free time so I suppose it's swings and roundabouts really, there's no such thing as an ideal age to have children I suppose

mrstt89 · 03/06/2021 00:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Musication · 03/06/2021 00:43

Yes, and I'd have more.

paralysedbyinertia · 03/06/2021 00:44

Yes, absolutely. I love being a mum. DD is 16 now and every stage has been fantastic. I think it has probably been easier and more enjoyable only having one. I wouldn't change it for the world.

Phrowzunn · 03/06/2021 00:46

My DH and I were actually discussing this the other day. We kind of came to the conclusion that life pre-DC was great and had moments of ‘ahh this is the life’ whereas life now is hard but has moments of ‘oh THIS is what life’s about’. It’s hard to explain but having had DC and looking back we definitely miss some superficial things like lie-ins and cinema days but the sense of purpose and fulfilment and sheer joy you get from tiny humans you have created together is like nothing I ever experienced in my pre-DC life. But it’s way harder and more unrelenting than you could possibly imagine. We joke that people without DC don’t know what tired is. They think they do, but they don’t.

TheLeadbetterLife · 03/06/2021 00:53

I’m glad you wrote that @TheMatryoshka. I really don’t want unconditional, true love or whatever it’s supposed to be. I lost a few people that I loved (close family and friends) way before their time and I just don’t want the burden of worrying about people dying.

It’s bad enough worrying about losing my husband, mother etc as it is. In my head, everyone close to me could drop dead unexpectedly at any moment, because it’s already happened to me before.

BabyBearRus · 03/06/2021 00:57

TheMatryoshka
I totally understand you. Ah you've done the hard bit. Time for you now. The next stage is grandchildren...and I have it on good authority that this is the best time of all 😁 yay you get to hand the little darlings back at the end of the day 😂

Hereweka · 03/06/2021 01:03

No.

Not with him. Maybe with someone else, but probably not at all.

I am not very good at it - I do a good job but don't really feel it. I tell my DS I love him, do all the right things, read to him, care, but I am doing it as well as I can because it is my responsibility having created him, not out of deep felt love.

BabyBearRus · 03/06/2021 01:03

TheLeadbetterLife can absolutely see where you are coming from. But I did lose my mum young. And I think this was a driver to have children of my own... perhaps to replicate the life I shared with her. My only regret is that I didn't have my children before she died. My mum always told me that her greatest achievement in life was me. I am so pleased that I feel exactly the same about mine. But had I not had children I probably would have lived an equally fulfilling life. I'm a firm believer in what you never had you never miss. Good luck to you.

JanuaryJonez · 03/06/2021 01:04

Gosh I love my two and would have had more if I'd started younger!

One of the best things for me about having children was the absolute joy of putting yourself last - I think it's a Buddhist thing (although I'm not a Buddhist!).

Newmumatlast · 03/06/2021 01:05

Absolutely.

Scarify · 03/06/2021 01:09

I don't think anyone's mentioned how different they can be and the impact of that on your thinking.

I have one very easy and one who's incredibly difficult. Wouldn't change them obviously but if I'd stopped at one my answer would've been an absolute unquestionable yes.

The difficult one is always going to be difficult (no SEN) and it's very stressful parenting them. I adore them but i often find myself wishing my life away until they're old enough to leave home.

I'm also one who finds it agony to think of the horrors of what the future may hold for all our children and how they'll worry for their own children too.

We had an alternative plan if we hadn't been able to have kids - I do sometimes wonder what if ...

OppsUpsSide · 03/06/2021 01:11

Yes

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