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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask - if you could go back in time would you still decide to have children?

304 replies

Sunflowers095 · 02/06/2021 22:16

I know parents love their kids and it's not a question of regret. But knowing what you know now, if you could go back in time (pre-children) and assuming you wouldn't get the same DC's again - would you decide to become a parent? If so, why/why not?

I feel like it can be a taboo topic and can often lead to unrealistic expectations of parenthood. As a fence sitter I'd be keen to hear everyone's opinions :)

OP posts:
kavalkada · 03/06/2021 07:09

I would. I can't imagine my life without my two. But I have all the support in the world and raising them wasn't that difficult. If I had a crap husband and no support, I would probably say no.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 03/06/2021 07:11

I would do it over and over again, I really wish the childhood years lasted longer. Raising my DS is the greatest joy of my life.

Winkywonkydonkey · 03/06/2021 07:11

I was a fence sitter. I've now got two DC, it's been hard, I work full time and it's been a slog as we have no family or friends as support. But I wouldn't change them for the world. They are amazing and without them I'd probably have spent my 30s watching box sets on the sofa rather than getting out and doing things with them.

However, I have a niggling horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach about the future. I hope they don't have children themselves.

Seymour5 · 03/06/2021 07:16

I would still have children, but I would wait until we were a bit more established financially. It was a hard slog trying to earn enough between us just to live somewhere half reasonable, and we are not in an expensive part of the UK.

My adult DC have been far more sensible, getting careers and finances sorted pre parenthood. Lesson learnt?

MangoFeverDream · 03/06/2021 07:19

@Staffori

No, I wouldn't. My first grandchild was born last year and I despair at the world we've created for her generation.
It’s really been better for this generation than literally any other generation in history though so don’t understand this line of thinking
30littletoes · 03/06/2021 07:41

We have three and I would definitely have them again. It would be great to have a slightly improved financial situation though- both DP and I work full time but every month we just about manage to scrape by and it’s a constant, huge worry. I wish I could enjoy our DC without that hanging over our heads all the time, and afford to do more with them or take them on holiday.

storminasnowglobe · 03/06/2021 07:52

All I ever wanted was to be a mum. My older brother died in young childhood when I was 2 years old and understandably that tragedy and its effect on my parents overshadowed my life growing up. I desperately wanted to give my own children a happy and carefree childhood, I was lucky to be able to be a SAHM and the first years were absolute bliss and I felt that so much of the sadness and pain of my own childhood had been healed.

I should have known better. My wonderful husband died in an accident leaving me with 3 children under 5, destroying my children's childhoods and all my dreams of the perfect happy family in an instant. They are teens now and all struggling in their own ways. They have also recently lost their beloved granny (who filled so many voids for them after their dad died). Again it was a sudden and unexpected, traumatic passing.

I had children for selfish reasons, to make me feel happy and fulfilled and to heal my pain. Instead I have inflicted on them a life of loss and pain. I feel terrible for that. I love them so much that I wish I'd never had them and could have spared them all this.

madmumofteens · 03/06/2021 07:54

I wish I had them when I was younger as parenting teens going through the menopause nearly broke me

MsTSwift · 03/06/2021 07:56

Absolutely no question yes, The world shifted for me in an entirely different direction when dd1 born but I wanted a change anyway. Was also lucky and have two relatively easy dds who get on. Teens now we have lovely times as a family.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/06/2021 08:03

No words storminasnowglobe for what you’ve been through Flowers

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/06/2021 08:05

If I knew then what I know now I would have children but not as many.

I'm very glad I have my children, they are amazing but I would have been a better parent if I'd only had two.

WimpoleHat · 03/06/2021 08:10

Yes - absolutely. Without a doubt. I think I’d have had a third!

PollyDarton1 · 03/06/2021 08:11

I'm so conflicted on this. In my 20s I had no desire to be a mum, my MH was in tatters and I couldn't begin to think I could parent as well as cope daily.

Then I became more stable and met my DH who already had a 5 year old and seeing and being a stepparent made me yearn for my own. We waited a year where I spent most of it desperately wanting to try, and then when we did try I fell pregnant first time.

But I had a horrendous pregnancy, and post natally was very poorly with my MH. I was so naive to what being a mother was and I struggled. I still struggle now massively. My MH has been the worst it's ever been and I know the trigger has been becoming a parent.

But I adore my son so much, and life without him is unfathomable. So whilst I don't regret having him, I regret the toll it's had on my mental health and the wish I was a better parent. He also has suspected ADHD (I have it too) so that makes things harder and I often feel like I'm pushing shit uphill. But I am lucky that I have a hands on DH and a brilliant family. Without them I don't know what I'd do.

I do feel like being a mother has given me more purpose and has made me realise the importance of my own self, and looking after myself, whereas before I was a bit of a chaotic mess.

kissmelittleass · 03/06/2021 08:14

Without a doubt yes and I have four children

madmumofteens · 03/06/2021 08:15

Oh storminasnowglobe I am so very sorry to hear what you have had to go through and then left to bring up 3 x kids on your own 💐 xx

CoffeeWithCheese · 03/06/2021 08:18

In normal times there is no question - they are amazing little people (not so little now) and bring so much joy/frustration/humour/despair to life.

Knowing what we've put kids through in the last year and a half though - I wish they hadn't been born into that.

BreakingtheIce · 03/06/2021 08:19

I loved having young children but having seen their struggles and worries as they became adults and the way the world is now, no I wouldn’t. Thank God they grew up for the most part without mobile phones , internet porn and all the other many pressures you g people face now. However they themselves are conflicted about having children because the world is such a mess and there seems to be no hope.

Sunbeamvan · 03/06/2021 08:20

No.
Dc1 has SEND and is extremely hard work.
Dc2 is a delight but blighted by dc1 and they don’t get on. Well dc1 doesn’t get on with anyone.
They have trapped me and it’s relentless and boring. I find days out with them just hard work. Dh is not hands on and leaves everything to me and between that and working I am exhausted a lot of the time with absolutely no space or free time for myself.

MySocalledLoaf · 03/06/2021 08:24

Yes, twice as many

Recycledblonde · 03/06/2021 08:27

If you had asked that question when mine were little I would have said of course I would. The unconditional absolute love you feel for a child is so strong. Now they are all adults I’m not so sure, I was a natural with a newborn but not after that. I love the children I had but if I couldn’t guarantee the same children then no. I love the life I have now they’ve all left home.

Rubyupbeat · 03/06/2021 08:29

Oh goodness, a big Yes, and wish I had more, many more. The best years were spending time with them and watching them grow. I was a sahm and probably the type of mum most mumsnetters dislike, as I was content with my life and had no urge to pursue a career. I did do lots of educational courses, so my brain kept active.

FinallyHere · 03/06/2021 08:31

Equally any child free

I have never felt any desire to have children. Don't remember when I stopped thinking I was too young to have children and decided I was too old. Had one of the first contraceptive implants in the UK just to be sure.

One thing that reassured me was the fuss people make about daily grind but 'no love like it'. A lot of high input low returns jobs like nursing or motherhood are given these almost mystic aura to disguise the true nature of the deal.

There are so.very.many threads on MN and elsewhere about women who felt a strong urge to have DC and find their financial and emotional security put at risk in the process. My solution is to not have children, until motherhood is properly recognised as worth financial security.

FWIW.

Henio · 03/06/2021 08:36

When dd throws an epic tantrum in the middle of a supermarket I do question my life choices 😄

Billandben444 · 03/06/2021 08:36

Yes, definitely. I have teenage grandchildren as well and they all bring me such joy. Friends who decided not to have children when the rest of us did, had wonderful holidays etc but both were widowed early and now, in their 70s, admit to missing having family at the end of a phone. I have no regrets at all.

starfishy · 03/06/2021 08:43

Yes definitely. I did actually wish I could have had dd earlier so I had more energy more time for more children but reading a lot of these comments has now made me appreciate the child free years we had and things we got to do.
I must say my DH is very hands on and we have help from family, can afford to have a baby sitter and don't have any money stresses.

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