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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask - if you could go back in time would you still decide to have children?

304 replies

Sunflowers095 · 02/06/2021 22:16

I know parents love their kids and it's not a question of regret. But knowing what you know now, if you could go back in time (pre-children) and assuming you wouldn't get the same DC's again - would you decide to become a parent? If so, why/why not?

I feel like it can be a taboo topic and can often lead to unrealistic expectations of parenthood. As a fence sitter I'd be keen to hear everyone's opinions :)

OP posts:
ColaOlaLa · 02/06/2021 23:07

No absolutely not, sounds awful but no, I don’t like being a mum. And if I could go back I wouldn’t have had children.

Wizzbangfizz · 02/06/2021 23:07

I'd have had them slightly later as it hugely impacted my career but that's in ideal scenario not a regret.

DamnYouAutoCatRectal · 02/06/2021 23:10

I would have had children a bit sooner if it was entirely my decision, particularly DC3 who only happened after a lot of discussion with DP. If I had a different partner then I might have gone for DC4 (because we would have had DC3 ages ago, not quite recently). Not a single regret though, because changing anything would mean changing them and there's no way I'd do that.

My sisters are both happily childfree, with fantastic lifestyles, great careers and holidays. I can't imagine being happy with their lives, or them being happy with mine.

thelightishere · 02/06/2021 23:12

Having my child is hands down my biggest achievement and DC brings so much love and happiness into our family. If I'm honest this is probably the first time I've truly experienced absolute unconditional love (sorry DH). Our DC brings immense fun, laughter, love and sparkle to our lives - and it's SO good to have a number 1 focus that isn't me. I never thought I wanted a child but my god am I glad I changed my mind just in time!

MrMeeseekslookatme · 02/06/2021 23:12

I'd still have them. For all the bloody hard work they have been.

I once compared my kids to smart phones (if you are the age to remember life without smart phones!). A lot of people didn't see the point initially but now we can't imagine life without them.

If I had my time again, knowing what I know now, I would have got married earlier and had kids about five years earlier than I did. Just because my pregnancies were hard going, I had complications made worse with age apparently and age also meant we had a two year age gap when 3 years might have been a bit easier.

Mydogmylife · 02/06/2021 23:13

@Sunflowers095

Good mix of answers so far, thank you! I'm leaning towards child free but it feels like this huge irreversible choice either way which seems very scary. Equally any child free people who regret/don't regret their choice please feel free to post :)
I'm a child free, wouldn't change it. I know that I wouldn't have been a good mother for many reasons. I make a great aunt though! ( courtesy aunt actually, my friends children)
BackToWhereItAllBegan · 02/06/2021 23:15

My DS is now an older teenager and he has been the absolute joy of our lives, no question. BUT if I had to go back and have a different child then I'd probably say no.
I think I've only been a good mum because he had been such an easy child. I've seen so many parents struggle with difficult circumstances and I know, that for me, I'd rather be child free than deal with many of the things other people have to go through with their children.
We enjoyed our life before DS and we're very much enjoying our freedom now that he's older so I'm sure our life would have been happy either way.

DuesToTheDirt · 02/06/2021 23:17

No I wouldn't. The future of the planet is bleak and my children will have to deal with that.

eddiemairswife · 02/06/2021 23:22

I had 4 in just under 6 years. I was so lucky, none of the sleeping problems or disturbed nights so many write about here. They are settled with decent careers, in fact two have taken early retirement. I have 5 grandchildren. I wouldn't change anything. Having said that, I am not a planner; I take what happens as it arises.

Gertie75 · 02/06/2021 23:22

I was convinced I didn't want kids so much so I asked my doctor if I could be sterilised, lucky he said no.
When I was 34 my Mum was diagnosed with a brain tumour and I realised how important family was to me, I was still terrified and didn't suddenly start liking other people's children but for the first time ever the thought of staying child free was scarier than the thought of having a baby.

It took 3 years to fall pregnant and I had dd1 aged 38 and dd 2 aged 40, they're now 6 and 8.

I can't say I haven't had times where I've wanted to scream in frustration but I'm so glad I changed my mind, simple things are amazing, yesterday I was walking across a field with them, my 6 year old just took my hand and the way she looked at me melted my heart, she's totally, utterly in love with me as I am with her.
It just feels right to have them in my life.

Elouera · 02/06/2021 23:26

This type of thread helps me realise that having children isn't always wonderful. I've TTC 11 yrs, 3 losses, 2 rounds of IVF and no cause for sub-fertility found. It helps me put things into perspective, because my chances of ever having my own children are so minimal.

Muuuuuuuum · 02/06/2021 23:29

No. Despite my best efforts, the world they are growing up in makes my children sad and anxious. This may be my failing as a parent but if i had my time over I wouldn't inflict this unhappiness on them, or sense of stress and failure on myself.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 02/06/2021 23:30

NO. I'd have focused way more on my career, stayed with my ex h and had a ball.

BrilliantBetty · 02/06/2021 23:31

Yes! Definitely. It can be hard work but my life would be dull and self centred without them. I also would have faffed around a lot more, little stability I think.

My children make my life so much better. I was lonely before I had them.

user1471604848 · 02/06/2021 23:32

It took me 7 years, 10 IVFs, a traumatic TFMR and a miscarriage, before I had my twins.
They're 15 months now, but when they were a few weeks old (and I was getting very little sleep, only 30 mins sleep one night), I couldn't remember why I wanted kids. I couldn't understand why anyone would want kids.
But now I'm thrilled to have them. For me, the hardest day with the babies is easier than any day going through the multiple-IVF rollercoaster.
So even though my life has changed so much, and I don't have a second (work full time, and a single mum), I'd ever regret having them.

catfeets · 02/06/2021 23:37

No. My DP and I had got to a point of being financially secure when we had an unplanned pregnancy. We now both work full time with no childcare for our 1yr old. To say im exhausted is an understatement. All my annual leave is taken up with childcare (my DP also has a second job) and I don't think either of us are natural parents. We both struggle.

I also worry every day about my daughter's future and the state of the world.

WineIsMyMainVice · 02/06/2021 23:37

@colouringindoors

It's such a hard one. All I'd ever wanted was to be a mum and it took a while to fall pregnant. And if I hadn't I'd have bern devastated. But everything that's happened since (not their fault, OH with severe mental illness and ASD traits)... has been a nightmare. So a lot of me (although it feels like a betrayal of my dc) would say No.
Very similar story here. 7 years of fertility treatment. Now have 2 DC who I love dearly. But sometimes wonder if I’m cut out for this. I have loads of friends who have decided not to have kids and they seem to have a fantastic life!!
ncforthispost1 · 02/06/2021 23:37

@Gertie75

I was convinced I didn't want kids so much so I asked my doctor if I could be sterilised, lucky he said no. When I was 34 my Mum was diagnosed with a brain tumour and I realised how important family was to me, I was still terrified and didn't suddenly start liking other people's children but for the first time ever the thought of staying child free was scarier than the thought of having a baby.

It took 3 years to fall pregnant and I had dd1 aged 38 and dd 2 aged 40, they're now 6 and 8.

I can't say I haven't had times where I've wanted to scream in frustration but I'm so glad I changed my mind, simple things are amazing, yesterday I was walking across a field with them, my 6 year old just took my hand and the way she looked at me melted my heart, she's totally, utterly in love with me as I am with her.
It just feels right to have them in my life.

I have such a similar story to you! Losing my dad to cancer when I was 37 made me do a 180 and I had my (now nearly-3 year old) 18 months later.
JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 02/06/2021 23:41

I had my one and only in my 40s. It was just the way my life turned out. But if I had my time over again I'd try so so so much harder to have children earlier so there was time for more! I envy those with a houseful of children.

QueeniesCroft · 02/06/2021 23:41

I would have 2 and stop at that. It all went horribly wrong with (and following) number 3. And if I hadn't had number 3 (who died at birth) then numbers 4 and 5 wouldn't have been born either. I would now be nearly done with the school years and looking forward to an actual life.

DramaAlpaca · 02/06/2021 23:41

One word: yes.

Xmasbaby11 · 02/06/2021 23:42

I would still have my dc again, absolutely. It has been hard in many ways but the love is like no other. Sometimes I catch sight of them in the morning or laughing in the garden, and the love just crashes over me. I wasn't sure I wanted kids until mid thirties and I'm so grateful it happened.

WineIsMyMainVice · 02/06/2021 23:45

@Elouera

This type of thread helps me realise that having children isn't always wonderful. I've TTC 11 yrs, 3 losses, 2 rounds of IVF and no cause for sub-fertility found. It helps me put things into perspective, because my chances of ever having my own children are so minimal.
In some ways I wish I’d been as wise as you when I was going through the ivf horror-journey. I just couldn’t see any other life than with kids. Much as I love mine now, of course, When I look back I wish I’d known a lot more about each way of living your life and being happy. Good luck with your journey x
RubyGoat · 02/06/2021 23:50

I would have loved a second child, as would DH. We’d have had DD when we were younger if possible, & had a second ASAP as I became too ill to cope with another pregnancy so we couldn’t. DD has always wanted a sibling & it’s taken her several years to accept that it can’t happen.

Cattenberg · 02/06/2021 23:56

Yes, I would. Although if I ever got pregnant a second time, I would dread the baby stage. DD was adorable, but the first few weeks were really tough and the next few months were often very tedious. Sorry DD.