RSVP to wedding with pretend allergies!

[TheBirdIsTheWord]

NC as this is outing!

We've had a few RSVPs back for our wedding and suddenly all the 'allergies' are crawling out of the woodworks! So far we have cream, mushrooms, nuts, peppers, chilli and cheese and more!

Whilst some of them I know are genuine and we are of course accommodating them, others I know for a fact are BS because I've seen them eat these things regularly and be absolutely fine. It's frustrating because the most affordable option for catering to a large group of people all being served at the same time was to have a set menu. It's impossible to plan a set menu that accommodates every single person and to serve these individuals something different tailored to them will cost us extra per person on top of the set price. We're happy to do that for genuine allergies but not for people who we know are making it up. It feels like people are just saying they have allergies without caring about how inconvenient it is for us to rearrange the menu so they don't have to eat a mushroom or whatever. We are providing canapes, a three course meal, and a buffet, (and cake!!) so if they dont like one thing there'll be other options.

I dont really know what to do, I dont know whether to just ignore the silly ones that I know aren't true. I dont want to argue with anyone. I'm really surprised and disappointed with how many people are making things up as if they think I'm a bit thick and wont realize, or they just dont gaf about being unnecessarily difficult.

Is it U to reply and say 'we'll try to accommodate your allergy but in an catering environment cross contamination is always a risk. It would be useful to know where you keep your epipen in case of emergency?'

YANBU but I did develop an allergy to strawberries virtually overnight.

Maybe it's a new Covid side-effect!

[quote worriedatthemoment]@RuggerHug what ? [/quote]
Sorry I only meant to quote the post you replied to there.

ie you are intolerant to gluten. Am I wrong?

Yes. Coeliac is not the same as being intolerant to gluten. In terms of cross contamination risk it should be treated in the same way as an allergy. Gluten intolerance may cause short term effects, e.g. bloating but does no lasting damage. Ingesting gluten if you have coeliac disease triggers an auto immune response which has long lasting health implications.

@IHaveBrilloHair

I have intolerance, NOT allergies. In this case I wouldn't say anything as I'm an adult and can easily eat around things plus shove some snacks in my bag if I was really worried. I'd attend your wedding, have a lovely time, chat to others and not make a fuss, since I'm not a toddler.

This. I'm lactose intolerant and it doesn't just make me 'slightly ill' as one poster put it. When it comes to weddings and the like I tend to bring snacks along in case I cannot eat what is served (I often cannot, people here love dairy). Luckily, I'm not allergic to wine so I have plenty of that.

I'd do a buffet rather than a sit down.

It is unfair to advise the OP to do a buffet. It is very different to a sit down meal and is far more informal. The OP should be able to have what she prefers.

You are really over thinking this. I have ceoliac disease and can't eat gluten - I still get the set menu but a) often hotels have an allergy option to set menus that are the same price and b) or they just leave the thing the person can't eat off the plate - they very rarely make a completely different thing and if they do its always the cheap option. I can not tell you the amount of times the rest of the table have been served an exotic first course and the waiter or waitress has come out with a slices of melon for me. Or the rest of the table have been served an amazing and I have gotten melon slices again. I am really surprised you are saying all these allergeries are going to cost you more money.

I would negotiate with the caterers to permit a small number of people bringing their own food - many caterers will permit this, in return for avoiding the massive hassle of catering for 17 different food intolerances. They will want you to pay a charge for laying up the table places/serving coffee etc for these guests, which is fair enough, and will still save you money compared to paying for the guests' meals.

I would agree 2 menu options, one of them vegan, and ask the caterers to provide a complete list of potential allergens. It's often relatively easy to make a gluten-free variant, so that may be a workable option too.

I would then circulate the menus to the guests who have stated they have allergies, saying that this is what will be served and that, if they are unable to eat either, you will understand and they can bring their own food.

Alternatively, just offer a buffet for the main meal.

At my wedding, I text or called people with extra requirements and chatted it through with them, as I wanted to be 100% sure. I told them the menu and what they could/couldn't eat. Many opted for the vegetarian version Instead which removed the iffy items.
Could you call them and just say look this is the menu, is it a case of just picking out the X, or will you be ill? If so, I'll organise you a new menu.

You should be annoyed at your caterers not the guests to be honest. Our caterers managed all the requests and a bespoke vegetarian and vegan menu for all guests for canapes and the 4 course dinner at no extra cost.

@Kissthepastrychef

Why not just leave the celery? My husband absolutely loathes celery. He can tell if I put it in something, believe me I thought it was ridiculous but he could always tell even in bolognese. If he was served a salad with celery in it would spoil the flavour for him and would not enjoy the dish he had paid for. He's not generally fussy in any way and will eat pretty much anything to avoid throwing it away but he has a complete blind spot with celery

But in this case he would not be paying for it. He would be a guest. At a wedding. I think maybe if he anyone is so concerned about this they should maybe decline the invite.

I really think we need to get better in our language around allergies - you're only allergic if it might kill or hospitalise you, you have an intolerance if it makes you slightly ill, and if you just prefer not to eat something, it's a preference

I wouldn't disagree, but good luck with the concept if you're dealing with attention seekers

Oddly enough, the real allergics I know are very reasonable about it, generous with advice and even prepared to bring their own food if necessary - which it isn't because I'm always happy to help.
It's the second group who cause the problems through being determined to medicalise everything and insist that their "allergy" is worse than everyone else's, and since you're sure of your facts here I really wouldn't give this any more oxygen

@katy1213

Write back and say that as it's impossible to cater for the whole 57 varieties allergies, you're sure they'll understand if their invitation is now evening only. They might then decide that something that causes mild indigestion can just be pushed to the side of the plate!

Or perhaps give people to option to stump up the extra ££ for a special dinner?

You could simply say that the unexpectedly high number of allergies you are being requested to cater for is not possible within your budget. Send people the menu and say if this doesn't suit an alternative option will cost x amount, or you're welcome to simply join us in the evening.

The issue here I think is paying for a few special meals is ok - but it sure mounts up if you get lots of requests.

My guess is that when asked to pay the preference requests will suddenly vanish a d then you can make a decision on if you're then able to fund the food for the remainder of people.

Lots of dismissing of intolerances on this thread too. Again an intolerance can differ in severity. No way would I serve my friends food they are intolerant to as I don't want to make them ill.

At my wedding we catered for religious preferences (as it's not the same as saying you don't like something if your religion means you can't), veggies, allergies and intolerances, and pregnancy (eg no pate). This didn't cost me more, and our catering were really accomodating to making changes for people.

Once you've ironed out if it's avoiding foods people don't like or genuine allergies or intolerances then talk to the caterer. (Just as them to confirm if it's preference or allergy/intolerance). They should be used to this and it shouldn't cost a fortune to make changes

@SteppedOnBloodyLego

I'm not sure there's a need to quite so combative and rude is there ? For your information no, my husband wouldn't say he was allergic however I was explaining why (a) some people say they are allergic when they aren't and (b) why he wouldn't just eat it in response to another poster suggesting he just ate something he hates

I'd respond back saying

"Dear Fred,
So glad you and Martha can attend the wedding. We're looking forward to seeing you there. I'm sorry to learn of your various allergies. Due to the high number and variety of allergies amongst our guests, we are serving those affected a plain chicken breast with green salad without dressing and a gluten free bread roll and then plain fruit salad for pudding. Please let me know if you would prefer this option or the original menu choice.

lots of love"

i Have read your posts but not all the other pps, so apologies if my suggestion has already been made.

I would discuss with the caterer the main (genuine) allergies and work out a single dish per course that suits. I would then contact the outstanding guests and politely advise them that their allergy cannot be catered for at this event due to ...., so sadly they will not be able to have starter / main / or dessert.

At my wedding many years ago I found it was normally the plus 1+s who had the unusual dietary requests and were then most of the no-shows. So manners have been poor over this for a long time!

@notalwaysalondoner How utterly bizarre - you can not die but still be badly affected by things. I'm lactose intollerant, not anaphylactic, but if I eat anything with dairy about twenty minutes later I will get severe stomach cramping and diarrhoea that will last for hours, usually a whole evening (its been years since this has happened as I'm scrupulous about it). I can mitigate it by taking lactase enzymes in advance, so I'm sure people are confused by it, as sometimes I do tolerate small amounts of dairy with tablets but the fact I may not die doesn't mean that I should go to a wedding with the plan of spending the entire evening in pain in the toilet.

For @worriedatthemoment and @littlepattilou I've thought about this a bit because my daughter has some allergies, and I have an intolerance I developed in adulthood.

Some differences with modern life vs the 70s/80s -

1. Children used to die more, as others have said, and often people wouldn't know why. That probably captured quite a few allergic children who nowadays are fine.

2. There are correlations with c-sections and breastfeeding and allergies - not so obvious at individual level, but at population level it makes a difference. I know with dairy there's a really big % difference in babies with allergies who are formula fed vs breastfed.

3. We eat a much wider array of food. I am intolerant to plantain, it makes my stomach swell up. Its not something I normally need to announce, and I first discovered it by chance: 30 years ago, nobody with my background would have come across it. Aubergine was a 'fancy' food when I was a child.

4. We travel much more and are probably exposed to more parasites. My own lactose intolerance developed after I had giardia travelling through India: when I meet other lactose intolerance people a lot of them developed it after travel too. I wouldn't be surprised if we find out even more allergies are triggered by exposure to parasite or certain illnesses.

5. We eat way more processed food and our gut microbiome are much worse than they used to be: no idea the mechanism by which that has an effect but both have been flagged as causing digestive issues.

Also, I know a few people who were hale and hearty and ate everything in the 70s/80s who were diagnosed as coeliac in their 60s. People just didn't have the knowledge then.

OP, you come across pretty badly here tbh. Yes, some of these people may be taking the piss, but equally its more likely most of them have some issue. I know people who are a lot less lactose intolerant than me who can tolerate one piece of dairy a day: so you might see them having a yoghurt, but if you offered a pavlova for dessert after having cream in the sauce with the main they know it would make them very ill.

Agreed, I’d ask if it’s an allergy or a preference, because it sounds like people are taking the piss... but your epi pen comment is stupid. I’m coeliac and I don’t go into anaphylactic shock if I eat gluten, and I’ve eaten gluten for 27 years so maybe if I RSVP’d to a wedding saying I can’t eat gluten people would think I was making it up. It’s amazing how people can be diagnosed with allergies (or autoimmune conditions) after a long time of eating that food!

@DoItAfraid

You are clearly unable to read very well. I explained in response to another poster why certain people say they are allergic to particular things. Someone else suggested that if you don't like something you push it to the side of the plate. This isn't always possible when it is either an integral part of the dish or you really thoroughly dislike something. I gave my husband's loathing of celery as an example of when the inclusion of a particular food item may prove unpalatable.
At no point in any of my posts have I suggested that my husband (a) says he is allergic to celery or (b) would make a fuss as a guest. If he was a guest he would push it to the side and say when we got home "that was covered in celery, yuck". You seem to be reading things into my posts which aren't there.

Maybe people you know would behave like that. My husband would not.

My DP does not have a life-threatening allergy, but within 5 minutes of eating something, he is allergic many mouth ulcers start breaking out in his mouth. He is not fussy. He will just leave something at the side of the plate and not eat it. But the issue is hidden ingredients that are not obvious. And yes I would count this as an allergy, not an intolerance.

Lots of people have genuine allergies and don’t require an epicentre, it depends on the nature of the allergy. They can get worse though so just because you’ve only experienced skin rash or wheeze you need to avoid as you’re next reaction could be worse. Most people are not at the extreme of avoiding cross contamination though. Did you tell the guests the menu? Can’t it be adapted with no sauce etc? Some of them would quite possibly be ok just having no mushrooms etc on their plate. Ultimately they are your guests so you need to adapt, it’s very rude not to even if you ignore the safety aspect.

Surprised by how many passive aggressive responses are suggested here. Surely you just want your guests to be comfortable? Accommodate their requests (a plain option that avoids all the allergens will be perfectly possible for a decent caterer to manage) and enjoy your day.
How many of the people who have listed allergens have you actually seen choose to eat the item they now wish to avoid?

Please don't assume allergies need to be properly diagnosed. My daughter is allergic/intolerant to peaches. We have never had her tested. We just know that if she eats them she immediately vomits, quite spectacularly. So we just don't give her peaches. An official diagnosis will make no difference. They won't kill her, she definitely doesn't need an epi pen. But you wouldn't want to be near her if she ate a slice of peach!

When I was planning my wedding the caterers actually came back to me wanting clarification about people's allergies - was cross-contamination ok, and did they carry an epipen? We had to contact some guests to ask because we didn't know. So absolutely not unreasonable for you to ask.

@Lovesgood why do you have such a bee in your bonnet about vegans? You’ve made at least 3 comments clearly spoiling for a fight

My allergy started in my 20s. I had some smoked salmon at Hogmanay and really enjoyed it. Next day at work (triple time because 1st January) I had to be sent home because my eyes were swelling shut (I drove to work) I think in the end my face was swollen.

It turns out that it was the chemicals in the farmed smoked salmon that I was reacting to. So I tried eating organic, wild salmon instead.

However my body just has a temper tantrum now whenever I try and eat fish/shellfish.

It makes me ill (sick) and even the smell now makes me sick. I tried tuna recently (used to love tuna sweetcorn Mayo in a sandwich or with a baked potato) but I didn't get far.

I keep trying to desensitise myself but my reactions are getting worse.

I don't have an epipen because I'm quite happy to avoid it, move fish to the side, etc. Reaction isn't that severe...however reaction getting worse all the time.

So my bloody allergic reaction is all down to some fecking chemicals used in farmed salmon.