RSVP to wedding with pretend allergies!

[TheBirdIsTheWord]

NC as this is outing!

We've had a few RSVPs back for our wedding and suddenly all the 'allergies' are crawling out of the woodworks! So far we have cream, mushrooms, nuts, peppers, chilli and cheese and more!

Whilst some of them I know are genuine and we are of course accommodating them, others I know for a fact are BS because I've seen them eat these things regularly and be absolutely fine. It's frustrating because the most affordable option for catering to a large group of people all being served at the same time was to have a set menu. It's impossible to plan a set menu that accommodates every single person and to serve these individuals something different tailored to them will cost us extra per person on top of the set price. We're happy to do that for genuine allergies but not for people who we know are making it up. It feels like people are just saying they have allergies without caring about how inconvenient it is for us to rearrange the menu so they don't have to eat a mushroom or whatever. We are providing canapes, a three course meal, and a buffet, (and cake!!) so if they dont like one thing there'll be other options.

I dont really know what to do, I dont know whether to just ignore the silly ones that I know aren't true. I dont want to argue with anyone. I'm really surprised and disappointed with how many people are making things up as if they think I'm a bit thick and wont realize, or they just dont gaf about being unnecessarily difficult.

Is it U to reply and say 'we'll try to accommodate your allergy but in an catering environment cross contamination is always a risk. It would be useful to know where you keep your epipen in case of emergency?'

Yes, but I think your passive aggressive retort to what I thought was a completely fair comment from @mariemare about how your epi pen comment would make her feel kind of negates that. Which is what made me think you were being pretty unkind.
I can’t understand what it would be like to fear going into actual anaphylactic shock from eating something and I think you calling her OTT was crap.

@CurlyhairedAssassin poor phrasing on my part: separate friends, one the bell pepper and one the black pepper. Both very good friends and I lived with the black pepper one - she came up in a rash around her mouth if she had food with it on, her eyes would water, and it used to be much worse before she worked out what she was allergic to. Swelling mouth and all sorts. Don’t think it was ever life-threatening, just unpleasant.

Not very considerate of your friends/family I had to beg people with very genuine allergies invited to my wedding to let them provide alternatives for them as they didn't want to cause an inconvenience.

@atbreakingpoint123 I dont think I've been any more or less passive aggress than mariemare to be honest. It's your right to judge, but MN make a lot of assumptions and are quick to label people as monsters without really much thought. And I honestly feel it was OTT to imply that my friends would hate me and cut me out of their lives if I asked about their epipen. I'm only giving my view on her comments.

We had this at our wedding too - it’s really frustrating.

One of the dishes was chicken in white wine sauce. I had a guest contact me to ask if she could please have the chicken in a different sauce - like tomato - because she’s ‘allergic’ to wine.

I was puzzled when I saw her chugging champagne at the reception, but apparently her allergy is only to wine, not champagne. Of course it is.

@TheBirdIsTheWord haven't RTFT and sorry if people have already posted - but can you make one of your options the plainest, most boring thing possible that will please everybody?

People with real allergies just eat beforehand. Or eat around whatever's available. A good caterer will be able to provide an alternative that fits around most people and the ones who can't eat every single thing, if genuine will fend for themselves.

@Tsubasa1

Some people really need to get educated on allergies and food intolerances.

That’s not the point. There’s no way of knowing what people can or can’t eat. You can only go on what they tell you. You can know everything about allergies but you can’t say “ well try it cooked” or “I’ve put it in the blender so you won’t know it’s there” if you think they’re lying can you.

The point is the Op will have to pay a fortune to cater for people with allergies and intolerances even if all 100% genuine.What do you do when people are invited but the food bill has skyrocketed ?

I never said you were a monster and frankly I’d think twice about being friends with someone who would make such a flippant comment because they were “sure” people were faking it. It would not make me feel like I could have a relaxing and enjoyable time eating around them, because I’d just think they hadn’t bothered to take any kind of proper precaution.

Living with allergies is shit because you don’t know whether eating something is going to make you sick or not, even if you were told it wouldn’t. It’s like someone saying “maybe make sure you’re sitting by the toilets!” to me - I’m not going to think that person has actually given a single fuck about making sure I’m not going to be eating gluten.

I work is events and whenever someone tells me they ‘can’t eat’ something, I always ask if it’s an allergy, intolerance or preference. Maybe reply to the people concerned and ask the same, and say that it’s a set menu and allergies will be considered but preferences will not always be catered to.

Also ignore people on MN being rude to you.
Too many people about taking the piss nowadays and weddings are already stressful... don't think this is enjoyable for you at all....

I had a period as a child of being able to eat a very limited range of foods (for various reasons) and my mother always made sure I was fed before and after. Never once did we dream of making SOMEONE ELSE arrange their meal to accommodate us! Common allergies such as dairy, nuts etc all fine but if I was for example allergic to tomatoes I would just not eat anything with tomatoes in it.

*True story i do know someone who is

An allergy is a very different ball game to an intolerance or a personal preference.

I was starting to feel for your situation until you posted this. Numerous times people (including me) have explained how an intolerance can make you very very ill.

It's also been explained several times that allergies can occur at any stage of life to practically anything. It's also been explained you can have reactions to different aspects of food groups, not always all of it. Yet you insist you know all about what they can and can't eat.

It seems you don't want to hear any of this. If you are so very confident that your guests are stating preferences rather than an allergy then just ask them. And you should care about intolerances. I wouldn't want to make my friends ill.

@atbreakingpoint123 I never said you did. My point was that things often get unnecessarily over the top on MN and I felt she was going over the top with her declaration that she'd cut out anyone who asked about her epipen. People need to calm down and not get so offended. I'm literally here to discuss things I'm not here to have ragey arguments with people who are angry and offended over hypothetical situations. I don't think it's an offense to tell someone if I think they're being a bit over dramatic.

@atbreakingpoint123 OP presumably knows her own friends.
I like spending time with all of mine but if something like this came up I would normally be sure of who were the pisstakers and who was genuine.
To give them the benefit of the doubt though - people may not know that they're making your life more difficult.
They may presume that it is very easy to come up with a menu that accommodates everything.
They may just be 'telling' you without expecting you to do anything about it.
If there's enough that everyone can have a main I wouldn't worry. If they know the menu in advance they can sort themselves out. NOt being able to have dessert or a starter isn't a big deal

Yanbu it is annoying.
All the old friends meet up around Christmas every year ordering the bloody meal gets longer with the continuous diet changes and discovery of more allergies, the waitress deserves a medal.

Offer one simple vegan salad as alternative, saying this is what we can do, due to costs along with main meal.
We feel this is what we can offer

@Sweak haha well I guess I've just ruined any chance of our friendship! I really just meant that an allergy can kill you whereas an intolerance probably wont and the word allergy will illicit a different response in caterers. I didn't mean it maliciously. Of course I understand intolerances are awful things and can make people very sick and will cater to those too, but here my issue is with people pretending they have allergies when they dont. Like saying they're allergic to cheese and going out for dinner together and ordering .... a cauliflower cheese!!!

@TheLastLotus thanks for the support! I keep saying I'm happy to accommodate genuine dietary requirements of any sort, but I am frustrated with the amount of people who are claiming to have issues that they really dont have!

@TheLastLotus for sure, but I sometimes get invited to weddings of family members I haven’t seen for years, and who would not be aware I’ve been diagnosed coeliac - they could easily think “well I’ve seen her eat gluten a million times! She must just be intolerant or making it up.”

Granted people usually take coeliac a bit more seriously, but the point stands.

I hope OP is absolutely sure, I have no idea who she is referring to in her post, but even so I find her general attitude pretty rubbish.

@atbreakingpoint123 be assured I'm not inviting anyone I dont see and talk to regularly, I'm not inviting family members I haven't seen for years. Everyone I have invited I have a very good, maintained relationship with. That's not to say that all my friends are perfect, and I know some of them are not above telling porkies. As I've said previously, I am a pragmatic person but I'm not a dick even if I'm coming across that way. It's a difficult topic thus why I am discussing it with random strangers on the internet than charging in and having arguments with everyone.

I get where you're coming from with trying to arrange a wedding.

I have a gluten intolerance it's pretty bad if I accidentally eat it and I usually dread wedding food as I know how much it costs!

There are occasions where you might not know though for instance people with bad IBS flare ups are advised to follow a FODMAP diet. Also a low histamine diet is recommended for long covid sufferers so it might be people your unaware of.

As someone with a genuine intolerance I would never be offended with someone double checking with me. Much prefer it in fact rather than me be ill - one caterer was amazing and she double checked with me on the day!

I think you just phrase it as need to double check many I think who simply don't like stuff rather than a allergy/intolerance/dietary need will probably fess up on the phone!

@Myusernameisnotmyusernameno

We're having food vans at our wedding and I'm so pleased.

Good choice ! My favourite weddings had food vans or a hog roast. However expensive wedding food is usually just a bit meh ...

@Nsky has a good idea. Call up the people who have come back with allergies and tell them that this will be their option - the picky eaters will fess up...
Also for the original point of the post... the phrasing is U but i can see why you're frustrated..

I just forwarded the dietary requirements onto the venue and made it their problem. There was one person who just didn't like a lot and so had many changes (no allergies). I'm a picky eater myself but never thought to demand changes to the meal at a wedding, I just what I like and deal with it

@TheBirdIsTheWord, an intolerance won’t kill but it can make you quite poorly.
The thing is, you won’t know. You won’t know about the fact that person has then spent the following day on the loo with diarrhoea. Or that they are in pain for the next few days (me with gluten). Orr that their psoriasis has got worse and is itching like hell, look awful etc....

If the only thing that matters is staying alive, then you have pretty low standards.

@Grenlei

I agree a super plain vegan dish which accomodates all intolerances.

You will doubtless get your non vegan guests who don't have life threatening allergies complaining about how they want a meal with chicken/fish in, but they will have to suck it up. The ones who do have serious allergies will be happy they're not having to bring a packed lunch.

At the last event I organised, we did exactly this. I still got several complaining emails, either from vegetarians/ vegans who were unhappy their meal was so bland and contained no dairy (veggies only), nuts, mushrooms, peppers etc, or from non vegans who thought I should accommodate their weird food predilections within the non vegan meal, or give them a non vegan alternative ie chicken/beef to the fish starter, or fish to the chicken main.

You can't please everyone.

The problem here was your assumption that everyone who didnt eat what you wanted to was a nuisance. I have been a vegetarian for over 40 years in the UK and my dad who was a caterer and vegetarian for much longer. The number of issues I have had about vegetarian food served at functions (weddings, Xmas parties, posh restaurants) is ridiculous. Many involve a caterer believing that fish is vegetarian or people like yourself believing that we go into 1 pot. Even you as a (probable) meat eater can eat vegan food so if it is good enough for me why wouldn't you serve it to all your guests?

I am amazed that anyone complains about the food to the couple. I have had gorgeous food at weddings, and bland and overcooked food. I always say if asked that the food was lovely.

I am getting worried that the OP is the bride of a wedding I am going to.