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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

RSVP to wedding with pretend allergies!

586 replies

TheBirdIsTheWord · 02/06/2021 14:25

NC as this is outing!

We've had a few RSVPs back for our wedding and suddenly all the 'allergies' are crawling out of the woodworks! So far we have cream, mushrooms, nuts, peppers, chilli and cheese and more!

Whilst some of them I know are genuine and we are of course accommodating them, others I know for a fact are BS because I've seen them eat these things regularly and be absolutely fine. It's frustrating because the most affordable option for catering to a large group of people all being served at the same time was to have a set menu. It's impossible to plan a set menu that accommodates every single person and to serve these individuals something different tailored to them will cost us extra per person on top of the set price. We're happy to do that for genuine allergies but not for people who we know are making it up. It feels like people are just saying they have allergies without caring about how inconvenient it is for us to rearrange the menu so they don't have to eat a mushroom or whatever. We are providing canapes, a three course meal, and a buffet, (and cake!!) so if they dont like one thing there'll be other options.

I dont really know what to do, I dont know whether to just ignore the silly ones that I know aren't true. I dont want to argue with anyone. I'm really surprised and disappointed with how many people are making things up as if they think I'm a bit thick and wont realize, or they just dont gaf about being unnecessarily difficult.

Is it U to reply and say 'we'll try to accommodate your allergy but in an catering environment cross contamination is always a risk. It would be useful to know where you keep your epipen in case of emergency?'

OP posts:
DeathByWalkies · 02/06/2021 19:47

@HalzTangz

I personally would just do a Buffet and clearly label what's in each dish, that way anyone who is allergic to something can avoid that particular dish
That sounds perfect, until you discover that the general public cannot be trusted not to stick serving spoons from one item into a totally different item, thus creating allergy Russian roulette.
SinkGirl · 02/06/2021 19:48

Just tell them you’ve arranged a very bland basic vegetarian / vegan option that will accommodate them.

As a true allergy sufferer I would thank you - fakers may well say, oh don’t worry I’ll have the whatever.

SimonJT · 02/06/2021 19:50

@HalzTangz

I personally would just do a Buffet and clearly label what's in each dish, that way anyone who is allergic to something can avoid that particular dish
But if someone touches the serving spoon, or lifts food over the dish the food is now contaminated and not suitable for the allergy sufferer. As an allergy sufferer buffets are a complete no go unless the entire buffet is allergy free.
forinborin · 02/06/2021 19:51

[quote DogInATent]@forinborin
The York Test, a variety of mail order blood drop/hair sample tests, the Vega machine, applied kinesiology, and other variations that range from pseudo-science to outright fraud are partially responsible for a lot of the 10+ point lists. It's sad really, because there are kids being deprived of lots of healthy foods based on this 'evidence'. They're often turned to when GPs can't provide an answer. The giveaway is when the list contains lots of 'moderate' and 'slight'[/quote]
I think at least in one case you are spot on, it is a family who is very health conscious in a pseudoscientific way (and yes, mum of that family tried to convince me to do some sort of a hair test indeed, to the point where I wondered whether she's on a commission from the lab).

Jaxhog · 02/06/2021 19:52

Nuts is a very common allergy. Personally if I eat mushrooms (even dried in a sauce without me knowing) I’d be projectile vomiting within 40min. Think my last record was 22 vomits in one episode. Neither I or you want that al over your dinning table.

I have this problem with celery. So I no longer eat soup and always ask about salads. Trouble is that it isn't an allergy I would die from (I don't think), but it would make things pretty unpleasant for everyone else.

I would have 2 choices - I meal you like and one plain one (or vegan). Let people know what the 2 choices are and let them make up their own minds.

IrmaFayLear · 02/06/2021 19:55

There has to be effort on both sides. If you have an allergy so severe that you have to have a specially-prepared meal that cannot have come into contact with anything else/spoons, then it really behaves you to ask if you can bring your own food. Giving the hosts stress worrying about this is not considerate.

Similarly the hosts should make every effort to do the right thing food wise for guests, but sometimes there is no pleasing some people and whatever you serve with however much effort will be met with a cat’s bum face.

FrankensteinIsTheMonster · 02/06/2021 19:56

@HalzTangz

I personally would just do a Buffet and clearly label what's in each dish, that way anyone who is allergic to something can avoid that particular dish
Jesus. This is not helpful. All it takes is one single person reaching over several other dishes to serve themselves a spoonful of that delicious-looking jewelled couscous, and bam, tiny invisible gluten bombs scattered through half the buffet. One single person using the wrong spoon for something or leaving tongs in the wrong place. One single person changing their mind and putting something back after it's touched other foods on their plate. Buffets are okay for people with intolerances or allergies that only show up if they eat a fair bit of the relevant substance, or for those who are just picky, but useless if you're coeliac or allergic to small quantities.
TheBirdIsTheWord · 02/06/2021 19:57

@mariemare you're making a lot of assumptions just so you can write an aggressive over dramatic response. I dont take risks with peoples health. I'm sorry that you feel you need to be stroppy but honestly I think you need to walk away and have a breather and if you really feel the need to write on this thread calm down a bit and give some discussion rather than ragey bitchy comments.

I know out of my guests who have genuine allergies. I know which ones dont. My issue is that people are pretending to have issues that I know are not true.

OP posts:
Onthetrain75 · 02/06/2021 19:57

I have a family member who has very severe allergies. They will always take their own food to any event, having nearly died on at least one occasion after someone mistakenly gave them something that triggered a severe reaction.

I would offer an alternative meal that will be suitable for all those who have replied, this sadly will may be very bland (maybe vegan, mushroom and chili free). I would contact all those who will be served this meal to ensure they know what it is in advance. At the same time I would make it clear what the caterers can provide e.g. if they cannot guarantee no cross contamination then allergies sufferers MUST be made aware of this. Sorry OP it is a nightmare if you are the host!

whycantwegoonasthree · 02/06/2021 19:58

I only found out recently that I have a bunch of allergies that were responsible for my rapidly worsening health (asthma and ulcerative colitis, for what it's worth, hospitalised several times for both in the past few years).

So I'd just like to say a couple of things:

Firstly, it's not for you to question the legitimacy of other people's food allergies or intolerances.

I've had a tonne of this, with people thinking I'm just being pale and interesting, and no amount of explanation of how much better I am since I cut out these allergens (medication need reduced by 90%, symptoms likewise, and no hospitalizations) is good enough for them, so I've stopped bothering to explain it. People who really care about me understand, the ones who just want to cast aspersions on the liegitamcy of what I'm doing or bitch about the inconvenience can do one, frankly.

And it's naive to think that it's either epi-pen time or a fake. There are a bunch of us who won't go into anaphylactic shock if we eat a certain thing, but it might make us suffer crippling cramps, bleeding, asthma attacks, or any number of other deeply unpleasant reactions.

And on the inconvenience thing – I'm very much aware that it's my problem, not anyone else's, and that at catered events there may very well be nothing I can eat. So I eat before I go, take a snack, or stay hungry. Mostly I'll just pick the bits I can eat and go with that. I think most people with allergies do similarly.

Thing is though, you asked them, so they told you. So you can't really now bitch about it or accuse them of being fakes because you don't like the answer.

You can accommodate their allergies or not, to whatever degree, and then graciously just let them know what's going to be on offer so they can plan accordingly. And they probably will - because they're just trying to manage their conditions, not trying make your life difficult for shits and giggles (if you'll pardon the pun).

If you want practical advice (and I suspect you don't):

You can cover off a lot of allergies by avoiding gluten in main courses (ie. pasta), offering a vegan option, and avoiding nuts. Most caterers can handle that without blinking. Hopefully then most of your guests will be able to enjoy something of what's on offer.

And it's perfectly fine when you let them know your plans to ask if anyone is at risk from cross- contamination, as you're not sure if the catering environment will be 100% cross-contamination proof - that way you can head off any life threatening situations. Although most of the people I know with these kinds of allergies are very good about letting people know unprompted anyway.

It's just not cool to imply that your guests are faking, just because you're poorly informed.

ApplyWithin · 02/06/2021 19:59

Why can’t you give us an idea of what your menu was going to look like? I’m intrigued. Is it really chilli, mushroom, peppers and cream-based? I don’t think it’s outing. Unless you’re serving something very unusual, surely nobody’s going to remember!

Ozanj · 02/06/2021 20:00

How I dealt with it was by ‘losing’ the allergy requests of people I knew were lying (they forgot about them on the wedding day) and then reviewing the rest with the caterer to see if I could come up with one dish that would cover them all.

LH1987 · 02/06/2021 20:02

YABU, but I get it and it really made me laugh. At my wedding my sister suddenly decided she was allergic to gluten.....I had seen her eat four slices of regular toast and three pieces of KFC chicken two days before..

SmallPrawnEnergy · 02/06/2021 20:03

Unfortunately for every person that 'needs' a specific change to the menu it will cost us a reasonable amount extra.
I find this a bit extortionate to be honest. Especially for a genuine allergy. Our wedding caterers are happily making allowances for allergies and even some of our fussy eaters at no extra cost. I wouldn’t hire a caterer with such a shitty and grabby attitude toward allergies.

I don’t think you should be asking where people keep their epipen either, just because you have an allergy to a food doesn’t mean it’ll cause anaphylactic shock, it could just cause a simple rash, itch or be an intolerance that will effect digestion issues. I’d be quite offended if I was given the 3rd degree about my dietary restrictions.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 02/06/2021 20:04

to tell you the actual menu would be very outing but there is a chicken option or a vegetarian option for each course

Really, a chicken or veggie option would be outing Hmm

Just cater for your guests, be it allergies or preferences. It’s what hosts do.

FrankensteinIsTheMonster · 02/06/2021 20:04

I would feel so guilty if someone went to a lot of effort to put together a beautifully-labelled buffet including some delicious gluten-free choices because they thought that would cater for me. Cause I wouldn't be able to eat a thing from it if the general public had been allowed unsupervised access.

soapboxqueen · 02/06/2021 20:04

OP if you know the complete medical history of the guests you say are 'faking' then you know them well enough to call them out on the fakery.

CorianderBee · 02/06/2021 20:05

It might not be fully made up. My DP can and Sometimes does eat dairy, but it can set off his GERD very badly so he avoids where he can.

Not all intolerances are anaphylactic.

Ozanj · 02/06/2021 20:06

@whycantwegoonasthree

I only found out recently that I have a bunch of allergies that were responsible for my rapidly worsening health (asthma and ulcerative colitis, for what it's worth, hospitalised several times for both in the past few years).

So I'd just like to say a couple of things:

Firstly, it's not for you to question the legitimacy of other people's food allergies or intolerances.

I've had a tonne of this, with people thinking I'm just being pale and interesting, and no amount of explanation of how much better I am since I cut out these allergens (medication need reduced by 90%, symptoms likewise, and no hospitalizations) is good enough for them, so I've stopped bothering to explain it. People who really care about me understand, the ones who just want to cast aspersions on the liegitamcy of what I'm doing or bitch about the inconvenience can do one, frankly.

And it's naive to think that it's either epi-pen time or a fake. There are a bunch of us who won't go into anaphylactic shock if we eat a certain thing, but it might make us suffer crippling cramps, bleeding, asthma attacks, or any number of other deeply unpleasant reactions.

And on the inconvenience thing – I'm very much aware that it's my problem, not anyone else's, and that at catered events there may very well be nothing I can eat. So I eat before I go, take a snack, or stay hungry. Mostly I'll just pick the bits I can eat and go with that. I think most people with allergies do similarly.

Thing is though, you asked them, so they told you. So you can't really now bitch about it or accuse them of being fakes because you don't like the answer.

You can accommodate their allergies or not, to whatever degree, and then graciously just let them know what's going to be on offer so they can plan accordingly. And they probably will - because they're just trying to manage their conditions, not trying make your life difficult for shits and giggles (if you'll pardon the pun).

If you want practical advice (and I suspect you don't):

You can cover off a lot of allergies by avoiding gluten in main courses (ie. pasta), offering a vegan option, and avoiding nuts. Most caterers can handle that without blinking. Hopefully then most of your guests will be able to enjoy something of what's on offer.

And it's perfectly fine when you let them know your plans to ask if anyone is at risk from cross- contamination, as you're not sure if the catering environment will be 100% cross-contamination proof - that way you can head off any life threatening situations. Although most of the people I know with these kinds of allergies are very good about letting people know unprompted anyway.

It's just not cool to imply that your guests are faking, just because you're poorly informed.

Mum has ulcerative colitis. She just declines wedding invitations / wedding breakfasts as it’s the polite thing to do when you consider how many things can cause it to flare up. It’s absolutely the height of rudeness to expect someone to cater their whole bloody wedding to someone’s allergies regardless of whether they are legitimate.
Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 02/06/2021 20:08

We're having food vans at our wedding and I'm so pleased.

mariemare · 02/06/2021 20:09

[quote TheBirdIsTheWord]@mariemare you're making a lot of assumptions just so you can write an aggressive over dramatic response. I dont take risks with peoples health. I'm sorry that you feel you need to be stroppy but honestly I think you need to walk away and have a breather and if you really feel the need to write on this thread calm down a bit and give some discussion rather than ragey bitchy comments.

I know out of my guests who have genuine allergies. I know which ones dont. My issue is that people are pretending to have issues that I know are not true.[/quote]
I'm really not, but I can see I'm not going to change your mind, so I'll leave you to it as continuing this is pointless for both of us. Maybe you'll listen to one of the other posters.

Best of luck for your wedding and marriage anyway.

YukoandHiro · 02/06/2021 20:11

Do not second guess. Simply go back and ask what is allergy, preference or intolerance. Explain you can't cater for cross contamination and then let them make their own decisions about food.

I have anaphalaxis to peas, chickpeas, lentils... I can't count the number of times I've been laughed at or ignored. And the number of meals I've had to leave after taking medication to seek medical help.

My child has allergies too, although EU top 14 ones so more easily accepted.

Don't be so arrogant as to fuck about with this.

God even this post has made me so angry OP. Just be grateful you don't have all this fucking admin around food in your life. It's tedious, upsetting and incredibly anxiety provoking when it's your kids

NoSquirrels · 02/06/2021 20:11

@FrankensteinIsTheMonster

I would feel so guilty if someone went to a lot of effort to put together a beautifully-labelled buffet including some delicious gluten-free choices because they thought that would cater for me. Cause I wouldn't be able to eat a thing from it if the general public had been allowed unsupervised access.
You can have full-service buffets. Caterers serve the food. Gets around the cross-contamination issue.
Hurr8cane84 · 02/06/2021 20:11

This is only part of why having a big wedding is stressful. Take it from me, the closer you get to the date, the more ridiculous the requests will be. Some guests think it's all about them. And you will be bleeding money left, right and centre.

lap90 · 02/06/2021 20:18

I don't get it... Why would someone claim to be allergic to something that you claim to have seen them eat regularly, so surely must like?

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