RSVP to wedding with pretend allergies!

[TheBirdIsTheWord]

NC as this is outing!

We've had a few RSVPs back for our wedding and suddenly all the 'allergies' are crawling out of the woodworks! So far we have cream, mushrooms, nuts, peppers, chilli and cheese and more!

Whilst some of them I know are genuine and we are of course accommodating them, others I know for a fact are BS because I've seen them eat these things regularly and be absolutely fine. It's frustrating because the most affordable option for catering to a large group of people all being served at the same time was to have a set menu. It's impossible to plan a set menu that accommodates every single person and to serve these individuals something different tailored to them will cost us extra per person on top of the set price. We're happy to do that for genuine allergies but not for people who we know are making it up. It feels like people are just saying they have allergies without caring about how inconvenient it is for us to rearrange the menu so they don't have to eat a mushroom or whatever. We are providing canapes, a three course meal, and a buffet, (and cake!!) so if they dont like one thing there'll be other options.

I dont really know what to do, I dont know whether to just ignore the silly ones that I know aren't true. I dont want to argue with anyone. I'm really surprised and disappointed with how many people are making things up as if they think I'm a bit thick and wont realize, or they just dont gaf about being unnecessarily difficult.

Is it U to reply and say 'we'll try to accommodate your allergy but in an catering environment cross contamination is always a risk. It would be useful to know where you keep your epipen in case of emergency?'

If you can't afford to cater your wedding properly then maybe you have overstretched yourselves? Scale it down a bit - fewerpeiple, cheaper food? There's no prizes for bankrupting yourselves over your wedding. Better that everyone has nice time (including you) and you aren't having to send out sarcastic, potentially hurtful emails to your guests. YABVU.

I would send out a copy of the menu and then say that those with allergies and/or intolerances are welcome to bring their own food. Problem solved.

@Disfordarkchocolate

I would put on one vegan option that has none of the know allergies in and let them know this is what they are eating. My son has an allergy and this is what happened at the last wedding we went to. He was fine, we took snacks incase he didn't like it.

I agree with this. Collect all the allergies together and have one vegan dish on the menu for this group of people that doesn’t contain a single one of these allergies. Problem solved. That way you don’t need to provide each one of these people with an individual, bespoke dish, they can all have the same meal.

I was listening to a US podcast and a guy was talking about the pie-eating contests they used to have. He was saying that for the past few years they haven’t held them at their local fair due to people wanting to know what was in the pies, and the organisers being forced to take out insurance.

At a wedding you are never going to please everybody. My wedding was over 20 years ago and still an aunt mentions the food every time I see her (about once a year). I smile sweetly but how can someone still be going on that they didn’t like what was on the menu and why wasn’t there more choice.... When dn got married a guest rang dsis and requested that her family be served steak as that would suit them all. Dsis was fuming.

If I had my wedding again I’d have a buffet and let people choose what they wanted from the (well-labelled) selection.

Issue is, some people might do stuff in the comfort of their own home but not when they’re out and about.

My SIL is dairy intolerant, but she doesn’t publicise it. If she’s going out for a meal and going home straight after, or at home ordering a pizza in, she can cope with the consequences of eating dairy, ie she’s stuck on the loo in the comfort of her own home.

For a wedding she’d say she’s intolerant, despite her friends seeing her eat cheese etc. it’s a different story when you have to travel, potentially spend a night away from home and have an evening out. The problem is, just because you’ve seen a friend eat something before doesn’t mean they’re lying about the allergy/intolerance- maybe you seen them managing it before, doesn’t mean they’re not suffering later. On that basis Id try and accommodate as best as possible.

Put the list of allergies etc together to discuss with the caterer, once you have all the responses. They may well be able to spot one or 2 dishes that cater to those allergies. Eg plain fish, new pots green veg.

It is annoying OP. I feel your pain.
I got married a few years ago about 65 people there and we made the mistake of asking for "dietary requirements".

Off the top of my head we had:
Nut allergy - she definitely doesn't. I have seen her eat a brownie with walnut in it!
No fish - just doesn't like fish.
Vegetarian but no mushrooms - just doesn't like them
No basil - apparently doesn't agree with them. Is that a thing? Who knows
Lactose intolerance - she definitely does have this, so fine.
No beef for religious reasons - fine.
And quite a high percentage of pescatarians, vegetarians and a few vegans. All fine.
But what really annoyed me, was seeing one of the "Vegetarians" take a lovely piece of red meat from the family style serving dish of food which was served for everyone else. She already had her own lovely vegetarian plated meal!

We also had a quite high percentage of people who didn't drink alcohol which was fine as there was moe for the rest of us!

Anyway, I am surprised you will be charged extra for these. Our caterer was more than happy to provdide one veggie/vegan/pescatarian option which just happened to have no fish, nuts, basil or mushrooms. They should be used to this kind of situation.

I think most of your problem here is that you’ve already decided on the menu, rather than asking for dietary requirements and restrictions and then designing the menu around those. Hence feeling like you’ll need loads of different meals to accommodate. You cannot please all of the people all of the time but you can accommodate them. If sufficient vegetarians can’t eat the proposed vegetarian dish, change it completely. If a meat eater can’t eat the chicken dish, they can have the vegetarian dish, and so on.

Honestly, caterers do this for a living, they will adapt the recipes or offer alternatives that don’t cost you loads more. If it’s more that you and your partner are set on having particular dishes on the menu then you need to think if you’re actually the ones being a bit unreasonable.

It’s so shitty for people to go “well fuck those with allergies they can just have plain stuff”. It’s not easy to cater for lots of allergies but you don’t need to OPENLY be a twat about it.

You literally have no idea what allergies people have. I’d feel so crap if I went to a wedding and got some passive aggressive note about how there’s “too many allergies so anyone with allergies has to have this (deliberately shit) plain food”, basically making out that we’d all spoiled it for ourselves.

I understand it’s stressful organising things like this and I’m painfully aware that being coeliac means that it’s inconvenient for others. I don’t even think OP has been particularly rude, but some other posters it’s just like... really unnecessary to assume people are lying about allergies and that they can just have a shit meal and be grateful for it. Hope you never get diagnosed with something that makes eating out deeply stressful and has long term implications for your health!

Are you serving buts shellfish or something that coukd set off a gluten intolerance? I think you have to work with these ones. Dairy intolerance should affect say a creamy sauce so should be able to remove this.

Nuts not buts!

And honestly if I went to a wedding and was offered chicken with veg and potatoes, that’s absolutely fine. These things are hard and I really don’t expect people to go out of their way for me. But if it came with some stupid caveat about how we’ve brought shit food on ourselves by having allergies I’d fuck off and get gluten free takeaway instead.

I'm really surprised at how much venom/hatred there is on this thread for people with allergies tbh.

With the exception of my parents (who once stealth-fed me nuts as a child as they assumed I was just attention seeking) everyone I know has always been fine with my allergy. People ask what I can/can't have and it's always possible to find something suitable pretty easily.

Sending nasty responses to your guests, telling them they can only eat plain brown rice, or nothing but salad.... what the fuck kind of unpleasant person would do that? These are meant to be people who you actually like enough that you want to share your big day with them!

The people who've responded in that vein are fucking nasty weirdos, long may they stay absent from my life.

Have you considered having a top table meal of what you and dh like?

"Just do a buffet" — great, so the picky eaters are 100% catered for while those who have to avoid cross-contamination for serious medical conditions go hungry.

Nut allergy - she definitely doesn't. I have seen her eat a brownie with walnut in it!

You know not all nut allergy sufferers are allergic to all nuts? Many are allergic to specific nuts, but not all of them.

This is just ignorance.

I honestly don't think this is a big deal unless the venue isn't equipped to handle it (they should be). Please do not ask your guests to bring a packed lunch to your wedding or send a passive aggressive email saying you're suspicious of them but in the nicest possible way.

You've asked their dietary requirements and they've told you. Take it back to the venue and they deal with it, make a few meals omitting certain ingredients. This shouldn't be a problem.

I've no idea why people would lie about allergies, I'm pretty sure nobody has ever looked at my special meal and wished they had that instead. Wedding meals tend to be melon to start, totally bland main, so meat veg, potato no sauce and fruit to finish!

@BlueLobelia thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. I did ask for informal advice at an anaphylaxis training course (I work with children, some of whom are severely allergic to various items) and was told that as long as we are vigilant we can carry on for now. She doesn't need an epi pen with the level of intolerance she currently has, and for now her body is doing a very good job of ejecting the offending fruit! There is no rash or swelling, but we do know that could change. She keeps well away from peaches though!

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand I completely agree with you.

I am guessing it is a chicken dish with sauce? So just serve those people without the sauce? And just plain chicken and veg? You are over thinking this, you don’t have to create a whole other dish for each person, just serve bland? Like that’s your best bet 😁

Practically everyone I know these days has a gluten "allergy" without having coeliac disease.
I just can't be bothered to cater for it.

@DeathByWalkies

YANBU to go and ask if this is an allergy, intolerance or preference.

I don't believe for a second that it's possible to have a cream allergy without also having a milk allergy / more general dairy allergy!

allergy, I don't know but intolerance definitely....and you do not want to know or see what happens to me when I eat something I am intolerant to.

As someone who is gluten intolerant (and occasionally lactose intolerant) I would be happy with a plain meal that won't have me running to the loo mainlining Imodium I would be happy to spend the day celebrating your wedding ive eaten no end of salads and roast dinner without gravy (I will sneak ketchup on it if its dry) ive had a baffling array of rice and ridiculousness (people who thought i was "faking" so didn't cater for me) but im quite robust in my expectations hopefully your guests will be too

@DogInATent
I don't doubt that it is a common condition, I was just surprised that there were many more kids with dietary requirements than not. As I said, gluten-free/dairy-free is relatively easy to cater for (and there are off the shelf solutions for that), but there were some things that I genuinely heard for the first time and wasn't sure about - like a long list of fruit that the kids are allergic to (10+ positions) or "no spices" (all spices? is salt a spice?), or nightshade vegetables (a lesson in botany long overdue).
I mean, obviously I managed it, but honestly it was a bit tricky (and I was quite anxious that I messed something up). And just realised it wasn't even last year, but two years ago, thanks covid!