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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset at my dp reaction when he saw his ex at our house?

417 replies

Momto2girliess · 01/06/2021 15:34

Long time reader but first time poster. DP and I been together for 7 years , and have 2 children. His ex wife and him have 2 kids together and get along well. She often comes over with her husband.

I am a Sahm , so when his kids are there - every other week- I take care of them. He leaves at 6 and comes back at 7. The DC are 11 and 8. Their mom often babysits my 2 kids , and I babysit for her 2 toddlers.

Last night, she was with me and all the kids. DP got home and when she left he got very angry front of the children. " She is my ex, not yours!!" He went on to say that from now on he doesn't want our 2 kids to see her ,or for me to babysit for her other children.

He asks me to delete her phone number, and that he will take care of everything for his DC ( dropping them back, picking them up to their mom's) but somehow he still wants me to take care of them when they are there.

I am so surprised , I thought he liked his new and old partners to get along. He reminded me this morning " Don't talk to X , she is not the mom of your kids". I had no idea he felt that way. Everytime she was over with her husband he seemed to have enjoyed it

Aibu to be upset?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 01/06/2021 18:33

@Momto2girliess

It may sounds weird to some, but I have no family. I left everything for him. His ex has honestly been a very good friend to me. He too was happy with the situation. He organised trips, meetings etc... Told him for the beginning that having a good relationship with his ex was important.
Oh god, OP, you left everything for him? What did you leave behind?
somethingischasingme · 01/06/2021 18:33

My parents and their second husband/ wife were all friends, the kids were/ are friends, the parents are all grandparents to all the grandchildren, not just biological ones, they still holiday together now and they are in their 79s. Unusual but possible. And lovely for us and our children. We had lots of grandparents too!!!

SinisterBumFacedCat · 01/06/2021 18:35

Saying you left everything for him makes me wonder if he is already very controlling.

extravirginoliveoil · 01/06/2021 18:35

You need to get to the bottom of it and if he’s not telling you, you’re doing the right thing by calling her. Assuming she will tell you the truth.

I hope it’s something about nothing OP.

CupoTeap · 01/06/2021 18:36

It's weird out of the blue if he has instigated the friendship to begin with them

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 01/06/2021 18:39

I'd think she's worried the OP is mad at her because he's told her 'OP hates you and you're never to talk to her again' or some such shite.

It does sound to me like he's been happy enough for ages with the setup and is only now getting shitty about it because he's either up to something or some bloke at work has taken the piss out of him by saying 'No, mate, your ex and your Missus being friends? Fuck that, what if they start comparing notes or you want to tell her you're going to be late because you're taking the kids there when you're at the pub/on a date? You're fucked'

ZenNudist · 01/06/2021 18:40

Very extreme sudden reaction. Do you think anything could have happened between them?

FijiCavanaugh · 01/06/2021 18:42

Calling definitely better than texting.

Original poster
Momto2girliess · 01/06/2021 18:44

OK everyone. He told her that I was jealous and no longer wanted her around. She sent me the actual texts. I am not sure I can write it here because it is so disgusting. I am the biggest idiot on the planet. I left my family , country ,job, friends. I don't work, have nothing.

What can I do?

OP posts:
ComeOnPeople · 01/06/2021 18:46

OMG OP! What is he playing at???? Poor you 😞

Lndnmummy · 01/06/2021 18:46

This doesn’t sound good op but very controlling. Did his ex believe you when you told her it wasn’t true?

Bluntness100 · 01/06/2021 18:47

Write what op? You can write anything. What did he say?

Dwrcegin · 01/06/2021 18:47

@Momto2girliess

OK everyone. He told her that I was jealous and no longer wanted her around. She sent me the actual texts. I am not sure I can write it here because it is so disgusting. I am the biggest idiot on the planet. I left my family , country ,job, friends. I don't work, have nothing.

What can I do?

You aren't the idiot OP. It's him!

He's a controlling bastard.

Luddite26 · 01/06/2021 18:48

What did his ex say?
Are they having a thing?

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 01/06/2021 18:49

Stay put, keep her as a friend, ditch him.

Lndnmummy · 01/06/2021 18:50

Perhaps he prefers you to be dependent on him. It sounds like he wants you isolated. Making up lies like that to her is really manipulative and deceitful. Is he controlling in other ways of your relationship too? Do you have access to money, do you have to ask his permission for stuff? There are quite a few red flags here.

pinkyredrose · 01/06/2021 18:50

but I have no family. I left everything for him

Why did being with him lose you your family?

pheonixrebirth · 01/06/2021 18:50

Weird,weird,weird!!! Why on earth would he try to pit you against each other?
I'd tackle him as a duo/United front.
It's just messed up to want to mess up a fantastic situation where you all get on so well.

Bluntness100 · 01/06/2021 18:50

@Luddite26

What did his ex say? Are they having a thing?
I think she’d have said that right?

Op what did he text her?

And what will you do? Do you have an inkling of why he’s doing this?

BigHeadBertha · 01/06/2021 18:50

@Momto2girliess

OK everyone. He told her that I was jealous and no longer wanted her around. She sent me the actual texts. I am not sure I can write it here because it is so disgusting. I am the biggest idiot on the planet. I left my family , country ,job, friends. I don't work, have nothing.

What can I do?

This still doesn't make sense, though. Do you have any idea WHY he would do this?

Also, careful not to "catastrophize." This does sound worrisome but also keep in mind that most long term couples do have their low points and people do occasionally mess up big time.

All this shows, from what I can see, is that your husband wanted you all to be close but has changed his mind, and is being manipulative and dishonest in trying to separate the two of you.

As I said earlier though, this is an unusual, overly close set up that had a very high chance of not working out, which is why it's rarely done in the first place.

I'd get a marriage counseling appointment right away. If nothing else, your husband needs to learn to communicate directly and honestly, rather than play games to get what he wants. He also needs to tell you WHY this is what he wants. After all, HE is the one who facilitated all this coziness in the first place.

Please keep us posted.

Peach01 · 01/06/2021 18:51

Omg that's a horrendous thing to do to you. He's put you in the firing line.
What is his motivation for this? Good thing you two are close enough and have been able to speak about this.

MMMarmite · 01/06/2021 18:52

This sounds very abusive. What an awful man. You're not an idiot, he is a dick. I'm so sorry Flowers

I think you need to start quietly making plans to leave and researching what support you can get.

BigHeadBertha · 01/06/2021 18:53

Is it also a possibility that the ex is the one who is lying here? (I am not very tech savvy so I don't know if it would be possible to create fake text messages).

Anyway, marriage counseling ASAP! You have two children to think about so I'd definitely try to straighten this out before throwing in the towel.

Bluntness100 · 01/06/2021 18:55

Of course the texts aren’t fake.

And marriage counselling isn’t some cure all.

BigHeadBertha · 01/06/2021 18:57

@Bluntness100

Of course the texts aren’t fake.

And marriage counselling isn’t some cure all.

I don't know how you can be sure the texts aren't fake.

And I don't recall saying marriage counseling was a cure all.