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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset at my dp reaction when he saw his ex at our house?

417 replies

Momto2girliess · 01/06/2021 15:34

Long time reader but first time poster. DP and I been together for 7 years , and have 2 children. His ex wife and him have 2 kids together and get along well. She often comes over with her husband.

I am a Sahm , so when his kids are there - every other week- I take care of them. He leaves at 6 and comes back at 7. The DC are 11 and 8. Their mom often babysits my 2 kids , and I babysit for her 2 toddlers.

Last night, she was with me and all the kids. DP got home and when she left he got very angry front of the children. " She is my ex, not yours!!" He went on to say that from now on he doesn't want our 2 kids to see her ,or for me to babysit for her other children.

He asks me to delete her phone number, and that he will take care of everything for his DC ( dropping them back, picking them up to their mom's) but somehow he still wants me to take care of them when they are there.

I am so surprised , I thought he liked his new and old partners to get along. He reminded me this morning " Don't talk to X , she is not the mom of your kids". I had no idea he felt that way. Everytime she was over with her husband he seemed to have enjoyed it

Aibu to be upset?

OP posts:
BigHeadBertha · 01/06/2021 20:09

OP, I hope you keep in mind that absolutely anyone can post their advice on here, including people who don't have the experience or knowledge to weigh in intelligently. Please seek the professional, qualified assistance if you are considering divorce, such as a marriage counselor, individual therapist, solicitor etc.

Otherwise, my personal opinion is that at a bare minimum, you need to have a serious talk with him about dealing with YOU directly and not going to others about you behind your back under any circumstances again.

Also my personal opinion but I would step away from this enmeshed situation with his ex. As seen here, it rarely works out well for long. Best wishes and please keep us posted.

VettiyaIruken · 01/06/2021 20:11

He is actively trying to make sure you have absolutely nobody in your life to turn to.

This is worrying.

Dixiechickonhols · 01/06/2021 20:12

Well you can’t mind his 2 then without her number or being able to contact her what if they have an accident and you need to contact her or discuss something that’s happened that day. Let him crack on caring for his DC and see how long it lasts.

tipOver · 01/06/2021 20:12

@BigHeadBertha Have you read the update that he keeps her isolated and as a result the ex is her only friend?

Throckmorton · 01/06/2021 20:12

He's isolated her from all her friends and family and keeps tabs on her all the time when she is away from him. He sounds pretty abusive to me, and I would not be having joint counselling with him if I were her

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 01/06/2021 20:13

@BigHeadBertha

OP, I hope you keep in mind that absolutely anyone can post their advice on here, including people who don't have the experience or knowledge to weigh in intelligently. Please seek the professional, qualified assistance if you are considering divorce, such as a marriage counselor, individual therapist, solicitor etc.

Otherwise, my personal opinion is that at a bare minimum, you need to have a serious talk with him about dealing with YOU directly and not going to others about you behind your back under any circumstances again.

Also my personal opinion but I would step away from this enmeshed situation with his ex. As seen here, it rarely works out well for long. Best wishes and please keep us posted.

Stupid advice Step away from the only other adult in her life other than her husband? The only adult who is telling her the truth? Isolate herself completely?

I can only machine you’re qualified in pet counselling because you have zero clue about coercive control or abusive relationships.

Throckmorton · 01/06/2021 20:14

Also my personal opinion but I would step away from this enmeshed situation with his ex - you would advise her to step away from the only support she has?!

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 01/06/2021 20:14

@BigHeadBertha

A husband telling a lie to his wife and reaching out to the ex and her husband behind the wife's back is not in any way, shape or form the type of thing where joint counseling is not recommended. It is exactly the type of thing that joint counseling is recommended for

He told her she wasn't to speak to her and to delete her number. That is controlling and abusive.
He is making sure this woman is isolated from everyone. She needs to keep in constant contact with him if she leaves the house and it's all done under the ruse of being caring and loving. Typical behaviour of a controlling and abusive partner.

Btw, I am a licensed counselor, though not for marriage counseling. Stop arguing and learn. You are simply incorrect

This is getting so very dangerous now. OP, do not under any circumstances listen to this person. I beg of you.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 01/06/2021 20:15

Only imagine*

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 01/06/2021 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheMotherlode · 01/06/2021 20:17

OP, I hope you keep in mind that absolutely anyone can post their advice on here, including people who don't have the experience or knowledge to weigh in intelligently

Quite

Redwinestillfine · 01/06/2021 20:18

Both bring it up with him together. Then he can't make stuff up without being called out.

funinthesun19 · 01/06/2021 20:21

Wow that is such an over reaction!

Quite honestly, I think he’s worried about you two spending time alone together just in case she tell you something. I don’t know what that something is, but it will be something he doesn’t want you to know about him. He’s only comfortable with you all being together because you’re not alone together.

Feedingthebirds1 · 01/06/2021 20:21

OP when you talk to him tonight, please be careful. I have a feeling he's not going to like it that you've spoken to the ex and exposed his lies, and he could turn nasty. (As he actually has already, telling you to delete her and never speak to her again. Fortunately the ex seems to have the measure of him.)

ChaToilLeam · 01/06/2021 20:21

He is trying to isolate you, OP. Be very, very careful about your next steps now. He does NOT have a good heart, he sounds like a controlling abusive shit.

And ignore @BigHeadBertha, she is talking dangerous nonsense.

Tistheseason17 · 01/06/2021 20:21

Wow- sounds like he's trying to isolate you.

Notaroadrunner · 01/06/2021 20:22

@Momto2girliess

Home is in Madagascar. Far far. He is home now. So I am going to talk to him properly about all this.

His ex was actually shocked, and reassured me on the phone. She is very nice to me. I told her I never was jealous. She told me that he has a history of lying before but didn't feel like it was her place to say anything.

She is really the only friend I have, because my dp doesn't like me to be out. I have a medical condition and if I am out he harasses me to see if I am fine. So it comes from good heart.
Thank you again everyone

He doesn't like you to be out - that is him exerting control, not being worried about your health. He's a liar and you need to tread carefully now to find out what the hell he is playing at.
NotStayingIn · 01/06/2021 20:23

I'm now honestly starting to think that you are also in an abusive relationship @BigHeadBertha

You honestly are spectacularly missing the point here. It's either deliberate or you really don't get it. I don't know which is scarier.

5475878237NC · 01/06/2021 20:23

So sorry. He is dreadful. I really hope you can slowly start to make plans to leave him.

AnyFucker · 01/06/2021 20:25

Christ, op’s situation is actually terrifying.

Please seek some external support from Women’s Aid.

londonscalling · 01/06/2021 20:26

Sounds like he's jealous of the relationship you two have. He's trying to control you. Leave him!

CokeDrinker · 01/06/2021 20:26

Ask his ex to come over (preferably with her husband, as your DP may turn violent) and you both confront him together.

DON'T confront him on your own, without the other couple with you. For your own sake.

Seesawmummadaw · 01/06/2021 20:27

Op, I’m so sorry for you. I would keep her as a friend and get rid of him.

Bluntness100 · 01/06/2021 20:28

Op what he’s done today doesn’t come from a good place. You know this right? He’s trying to separate you from the only friend you have, the only support you have and he’s lying. He’s told his ex he wishes to continue to socialise with them on his own, he doesn’t wish you there

Have you decided what you will do? Will you at least discuss it with him?

Bluntness100 · 01/06/2021 20:29

I know you’re isolated there, but do you have any support in any country? Any friends or family you can reach out to? Is his ex and her husband literally the only people you have other than him?