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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset at my dp reaction when he saw his ex at our house?

417 replies

Momto2girliess · 01/06/2021 15:34

Long time reader but first time poster. DP and I been together for 7 years , and have 2 children. His ex wife and him have 2 kids together and get along well. She often comes over with her husband.

I am a Sahm , so when his kids are there - every other week- I take care of them. He leaves at 6 and comes back at 7. The DC are 11 and 8. Their mom often babysits my 2 kids , and I babysit for her 2 toddlers.

Last night, she was with me and all the kids. DP got home and when she left he got very angry front of the children. " She is my ex, not yours!!" He went on to say that from now on he doesn't want our 2 kids to see her ,or for me to babysit for her other children.

He asks me to delete her phone number, and that he will take care of everything for his DC ( dropping them back, picking them up to their mom's) but somehow he still wants me to take care of them when they are there.

I am so surprised , I thought he liked his new and old partners to get along. He reminded me this morning " Don't talk to X , she is not the mom of your kids". I had no idea he felt that way. Everytime she was over with her husband he seemed to have enjoyed it

Aibu to be upset?

OP posts:
JesusIsAnyNameFree · 01/06/2021 19:33

@Lollyneenah

He's isolating you and treating you like Property. Like a little boy who doesn't want to share his toy cars. It's fucking creepy.
This.

It isn't weird in the slightest, it happens all the time. This is control and abuse. People need to stop recommending marriage counselling because it is massively inappropriate in this scenario.

BigHeadBertha · 01/06/2021 19:34

OP, I think it is looking better than it sounded like originally, though still some issues and missing info. there for sure.

Please keep us posted and good luck with it.

Cryalot2 · 01/06/2021 19:35

Flowers poor you.
You need to leave him, but do you want to.?
He seems to be controlling so womans aid/refuge could help. Stay close to his ex as she seems more a friend than he.
I have a feeling there is something more with him.
Can you contact your family?
Wishing you well .

Triffid1 · 01/06/2021 19:36

Have you ever had a real conversation with the ex about why they broke up? Because he's clearly playing both of you but it's not clear why. I'd be interested in knowing if she experienced manipulative behaviour from him too while they were together.

But overall, this is just too deeply weird to understand and I'm really sorry you're struggling.

SnappedAndFarted18 · 01/06/2021 19:37

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BlueDaises · 01/06/2021 19:39

@GettingItOutThere

oh wow he really wants you isolated dosent he?

do not put up with this OP, keep the relationship with her and call him out on this shit

before i read your update i was all for - let him sort his own childcare out then, now im like you NEED friends, and you need to keep them

wheres home OP, originally? can you go back?

he is a class A prick

ducks. row. leave.

Spot On

He wants to isolate you control you ..

please leave OP 🌸

SnappedAndFarted18 · 01/06/2021 19:42

OP I’m very sorry to hear you’re going through this judging by your follow up comments he really does sound like an asshole please remember you’re NOT the stupid one here that is most definitely him, I hope you can find the strength to leave him with your children hopefully then he will see how stupid he really is good luck with whatever you choose to do though & please don’t ever think you’re stupid x

RickiTarr · 01/06/2021 19:43

It isn't weird in the slightest, it happens all the time.

Sadly the lies, manipulation and emotional abuse aren’t unusual at all. The stuff about wanting to hang out with his ex AND her new husband is an interesting new addition to the genre, but there you go.

Hawkins001 · 01/06/2021 19:44

That is very odd and unusual, especially if he suggested the idea to begin with, seems there could be more to this than your dp is saying ?

Beauxandarrow · 01/06/2021 19:49

Hmm my gut is saying something isn’t right with that at all.

Usually, extreme reactions like that come from a place of fear and dishonesty. A lot of people’s lives would be far easier if their exes were friendly and helped with childcare etc.

I agree with others that he doesn’t want you talking and finding something out. In my experience liars get angry and irrational over what seems to be nothing.

ChristMyArse · 01/06/2021 19:51

@Momto2girliess

Hey (name) hope you are well. (My name) has been acting weird lately , she keeps talking about you and how she thinks I still love you. I think from now it's better if we just meet the 3 of us and not tell her. She will be extremely jealous and will leave me. I don't want to lose her. I don't wanna lose you and (husband name) either , you guys are the best
@Momto2girliess have you found this on his phone sent to the ex?

This is some freaky shit OP, I hope you get to the bottom of it.

LilQueenie · 01/06/2021 19:52

what was the reason for the breakup between them? I think its something he has not told you and she thinks you have already been told. Possibly that he is a controlling twat.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 01/06/2021 19:52

@BigHeadBertha

OP, I think it is looking better than it sounded like originally, though still some issues and missing info. there for sure.

Please keep us posted and good luck with it.

Are you commenting on the wrong thread?
Original poster
Momto2girliess · 01/06/2021 19:54

Home is in Madagascar. Far far. He is home now. So I am going to talk to him properly about all this.

His ex was actually shocked, and reassured me on the phone. She is very nice to me. I told her I never was jealous. She told me that he has a history of lying before but didn't feel like it was her place to say anything.

She is really the only friend I have, because my dp doesn't like me to be out. I have a medical condition and if I am out he harasses me to see if I am fine. So it comes from good heart.
Thank you again everyone

OP posts:
SarahBellam · 01/06/2021 19:54

He doesn’t want you to have friends. He wants to keep you isolated.

Ginger1982 · 01/06/2021 19:55

It seems to me as though he sees you have a good friend in her and he wants to isolate you for some reason.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 01/06/2021 19:57

OP, it really isn't coming from a place of caring. He is isolating and controlling you. Please be careful when you speak to him.

MMMarmite · 01/06/2021 19:57

I have a medical condition and if I am out he harasses me to see if I am fine. So it comes from good heart.

I'm not convinced it comes from a good heart. I think he is using your medical condition to isolate you. What happens if you ask him to give you some peace when you're out?

CandyLeBonBon · 01/06/2021 19:58

He's sounding worse by the minute op. I hope there is a happy resolution for you op Thanks

BlueDaises · 01/06/2021 19:58

She is really the only friend I have, because my dp doesn't like me to be out. I have a medical condition and if I am out he harasses me to see if I am fine. So it comes from good heart.
Thank you again everyone

He sounds worse with every update...

OP I wish you the best resolving this but I honestly feel for your sake that leaving is best.

good luck tonight 🌷

LilQueenie · 01/06/2021 19:59

OP I'm betting he is using the medical condition as a way to check up on you. He is still controlling in other ways which is not a good thing. They do that, find a way to make them look good and play on it but it doesn't eradicate all the negative stuff. They just make it look that way on purpose.

Shutupyoutart · 01/06/2021 20:00

This has huge big flashing red flags all over it op, he sounds jealous of your friendship with his ex, he doesn't want you to have friends he's isolated you from everyone.hes showing you how controlling and manipulative he is those texts prove that.

ButchersPleasure · 01/06/2021 20:03

Surely his ex should recognise his odd behaviour and be questioning him also about wanting to leave you out.

Lippy333 · 01/06/2021 20:03

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BigHeadBertha · 01/06/2021 20:04

@SnappedAndFarted18

BigHeadBertha 🙄 seriously?? You’ve already been advised marriage counselling when abusive behaviour is present is NOT recommended so why do you still continue to bring it up & recommend/mention it to the OP?? Seriously you need to stop you’re really making yourself look like a tit ffs !! Oh & here’s a quick google search also saying counselling when abuse it present is not recommended, so if anyone’s post is silly it is most definitely yours !!
A husband telling a lie to his wife and reaching out to the ex and her husband behind the wife's back is not in any way, shape or form the type of thing where joint counseling is not recommended. It is exactly the type of thing that joint counseling is recommended for.

Btw, I am a licensed counselor, though not for marriage counseling. Stop arguing and learn. You are simply incorrect.