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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandparents!!

139 replies

jacspatoutthecat · 31/05/2021 20:47

Just after an opinion from other grandparents as trying to work out of the problem lies with my parents or me and my children. My parents have never been full on with my kids- my kids are quite active and like lots of attention. Because they dont really get any attention from my parents they do naughty things or are just rude to get noticed. I thought gp's were suppose to do fun things with their grandchildren but they have been there and done that with me and my brother so they expect them to just sit in the corner and play. We have tried to get them more involved but they just aren't interested. They have looked after them overnight once and the kids were sent to bed at 6pm so they could watch a film. When I asked my mum why they couldn't have watched a suitable film all together her answer was "because she doesn't want to sit through some crappy kids film" . There is also a lot of jealousy from my kids as my brother's wife has 2 little girls who my parents adore. They are very quiet and angelic and my kids have guessed they prefer A and L to them!! My mum says they are no trouble and until they behave like their SGD's they dont really want to see them. Who is wrong here?? Just a bit of attention from their gp's instead of just being expected to sit in the corner like the step cousins whilst the adults drink wine!! The most weird thing is as parents they were amazing they did so much for us - and when I said this to my mum she said exactly they gave us a fantastic childhood and did so much with us so not their job to entertain kids anymore.

OP posts:

ViciousJackdaw · 31/05/2021 20:57

Oh god, you're one of those parents.

Look, you freely admit that your DC are naughty and rude. I suspect quite active and like lots of attention is what other people describe as boisterous little devils. It's really no wonder that they don't want them round until you teach them how to behave. Kids will be kids, it's true. That's why parents have to be parents.

User629202 · 31/05/2021 21:03

That’s shit for you OP, but there isn’t much you can do. There’s a strong culture in this country of grandparents being expected to be doting on their grandchildren and the providers of excellent childcare, but the reality is of course some aren’t interested in that. They clearly feel they’ve done their child rearing, and that part of their lives is over now.

I completely understand why that’s frustrating and upsetting to you, but I also don’t think your parents are in the wrong. They’re entitled to decide they’re not interested in providing ongoing childcare.

Holly60 · 31/05/2021 21:06

I understand it though. Your children are an extension of you. The most precious and perfect part of you and the fact that your own parents don’t idolise them is highly hurtful. I do find it odd and just wanted to say I sympathise. Do they have grandparents on the other side? Is that relationship a good one? If so I would spend time nurturing that and back off from your own parents

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 31/05/2021 21:08

I don’t blame them. Children shouldn’t be naughty or rude to gain attention and you so easily dismiss the behaviour as though it’s the grandparents fault.
What will happen when they don’t get the attention at school?

Bellyups · 31/05/2021 21:10

Being naughty and rude isn’t the way to get attention. They need to learn this

Aquamarine1029 · 31/05/2021 21:10

This stood out immediately...

Because they dont really get any attention from my parents they do naughty things or are just rude to get noticed.

This is not what well behaved children do. They are deliberately rude? I'm not surprised your mum doesn't want to spend too much time with them if this is the case.

Leeds2 · 31/05/2021 21:12

I suspect the grandparents will become more involved when your DC learn how to behave.
I struggle to understand why they wouldn't watch a children's film with the DC though, sending them to bed so early just seems mean. Unless, I suppose, the children had been badly behaved and your parents had had enough!

BettyOBarley · 31/05/2021 21:12

I understand OP, my parents are the same.
My mum comes in, says hello to my dc and then sits on the sofa and ignores them til it's time to go home. My dad obviously prefers my older DD as she'll sit quietly and read etc. There's a lot of eye rolling goes on around my 4yr old DS who isn't naughty but asks them to play with him a lot. They've taken the kids out for the day once in 8yrs. I don't care about childcare but I feel sorry for my kids who see their friends sleeping over / going out / being picked up from school by their gp's and wonder why theirs don't do the same. My DD asked my mum once if she could sleep over and my mum was absolutely shocked as if she couldn't possibly understand why her GC might want to have a sleepover. Needless to say it didn't happen.
It is shit op. I understand they have done their time but kids are their family, I don't understand how they can be so disinterested!

MootMoot · 31/05/2021 21:12

@Bellyups

Being naughty and rude isn’t the way to get attention. They need to learn this

Exactly.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 31/05/2021 21:13

It does rather sound like your parents are making fish of one, and fowl of the other, in as much as they're happy to have the quieter, well behaved GC, but not so happy to have yours because they're too boisterous for them. However, as stated by PP they've done their stint of parenting, and if you don't teach your children to behave in a manner that your parents find acceptable, then you can't really expect them to do the job for you, which is what it boils down to. I also wonder if it has anything to do with your parents age, ie. I was a grandma for the first time at 40 and over 5 years went from 1 to 3 grandchildren, who I loved dearly and enjoyed spending time with, even though at times I was thoroughly exhausted by the time they went home, but if I were to become a grandparent now that I'm 61, I really don't think I would cope well with boisterous kids, as I just don't have the energy that I used to have 20 years ago. So if your parents are older then perhaps they too lack the energy and inclination to be chasing kids around the park or whatever, that they did with you when you were a child.

Justmuddlingalong · 31/05/2021 21:13

Did she really say that she didn't want to see them until they could be more like her SGDs? Or is that a slight embellishment for the sake of the thread?

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/05/2021 21:14

Are they alone with your parents when they act up and behave badly for attention or are you there as well?

It sounds like you’re flogging a dead horse. Your parents have decided what approach they’re comfortable having - their right - and you don’t think it’s good enough. They don’t have to babysit, overnight or at all. They don’t have to do the sort of things you want them to do and if that means they’re not close to your DC then that’s just how it is.

They’re not going to have identical relationships with all grandchildren and it sounds like they have an easier time with the other set - could be because of parenting styles, personalities, expectations.

Accept what they offer, or don’t, but wishing they were different isn’t going to achieve anything.

Holly60 · 31/05/2021 21:15

To all of you suggesting children should never be naughty or rude - YAB massively U!! What planet are you on? My DGC (who adore me btw) are very often disruptive, unruly, uncooperative etc. It’s because they get tired/hungry/over stimulated/under stimulated / frustrated ….they are learning. Show me someone who says they have a perfectly behaved child and I’ll show you a liar….

DeathStare · 31/05/2021 21:15

How old are your DC OP? And how old are your (step?) nieces?

HerMammy · 31/05/2021 21:17

do naughty things or are just rude to get noticed
also a lot of jealousy from my kids
^Not a description of ‘active’ kids but spoiled wee horrors.
Are you really so lacking in self awareness that you have to ask why your parents can’t be arsed with your badly behaved kids??

Holly60 · 31/05/2021 21:18

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I don’t blame them. Children shouldn’t be naughty or rude to gain attention and you so easily dismiss the behaviour as though it’s the grandparents fault. What will happen when they don’t get the attention at school?

Erm… you’ve clearly never worked in a school. This is EXACTLY what they do

WingingItSince1973 · 31/05/2021 21:20

I am a nan to a 5 year old gs. We actually do alot of care for him. School holidays and used to be everyday after school until dd started wfh. I absolutely enjoy his company and when he's at ours we view it as time to play and I try and leave chores for when he has gone. Although when he's here for weekends he has to understand he can't have our undivided attention and sometimes this has caused him to have meltdowns (he has attachment issues). I can't speak for your parents but we view his visits as special and on the weekends when he sleeps over we have a movie night with a film age appropriate for him. We make it special with pop corn etc. I must admit that when I was having him everyday after school and everyday during lockdown when dd worked in an office it really ground me down and I realised I felt too old (late 40s) ha ha. But more often than not he gives me the excuse to channel my inner child. Do you dc's have toys etc at your parents. I can see they may not be able to occupy them all the time so your dc should learn to occupy themselves but I do think your parents should view this time as special and do something child orientated. We are heavily into dinos and when hes here we have such fun using our imagination. Then when my dh comes home from work they have some time together on the PlayStation. I've raised 3 dds but absolutely love having a little one around again. But that's just me. X

HalzTangz · 31/05/2021 21:21

You should teach your children to follow house rules, if your parents want children to play quietly that should be respected.
How woul you feel if you had certain preferences of how you like people to behave in your house, and someone consistently ignored your preferences. Would you want them to keep coming round?

GeorgiaGirl52 · 31/05/2021 21:22

@Bellyups

Being naughty and rude isn’t the way to get attention. They need to learn this

And you need to teach them - not blame your parents! Work on their behavior first. Then visit your parents with your children and correct them when they misbehave. In other words, be a parent not a cheerleader!

1Morewineplease · 31/05/2021 21:26

@Holly60

Hmmm...

Enroljas · 31/05/2021 21:26

I have two sets of grandchildren. I love to have them , when working shifts allow.

I have to be honest here. One set are much easier than than the other. My DS children, although they demand attention on times - according to their ages and stages of development - they are able to play on their own whilst I prepare food etc They love to bake, plant flowers, help Grandpa in the garden, walk the dogs etc

We find DD’s DC (similar age) extremely demanding and tbh we can’t wait to see them go home. Nothing seems to hold their attention unless DH or I are constantly involved .

I would never say that to DD though. I’m simply giving an answer to your OP from my personal perspective 💐

Holly60 · 31/05/2021 21:26

On the plus side OP, by the standards of some PPs, it sounds like if your parents become old and infirm and are no longer great company, you are perfectly entitled to sack them off as it’s your right to not have anything to do with family members whose company you sometimes find challenging.

Faevern · 31/05/2021 21:29

I’m a hands on grandparent, I have friends who are not hands on, they don’t feel the need, and I have friends who are frazzled by their active grandchildren. I think your DP’s have been clear that they don’t enjoy your DC’s because they are naughty and rude and probably too much hard work for them if they demand attention.

When my DGC’s are with me I do things they enjoy in the home, garden and on outings but they fit in with me, they have to entertain themselves. One of my DGC was a very early riser 5am, and on the go from the moment he woke up, I used to take it in shifts with my DP when we had him as it was exhausting, I’m not sure how I would have coped if there was two of him. My DD is a SP though and really needed the break. He’s no bother now and an absolute pleasure but I didn’t always feel that way.

Your DC’s need to learn how to play together and certainly need to learn that rude and naughty will have consequences and attention isn’t one of them.

LittleOwl153 · 31/05/2021 21:31

Tbh OP I'd just not bother taking your kids to the grandparents. If they are not interested you can't make them be, and I wouldn't want them growing up being compared to other kids no matter how good those kids are.
Unless there is a really good reason you need to be there or have them at yours I'd just forget it. (See how long it take for them to notice!)

Original poster

jacspatoutthecat · 31/05/2021 21:31

They are good kids most of the time. Only only badly behaved for my parents. They have a fab relationship with their other nana but she does loads with them and she enjoys having kids around her again. She comes over often and they run to her with open arms. My auntie and my mum fell out last year as my auntie has no problems with them either. They are 11 and 8. Step nieces 5 and 6. I also have a 14 yr old but she chooses to stay home with the dog when we visit as she has no time for them.

OP posts:

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