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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents!!

139 replies

jacspatoutthecat · 31/05/2021 20:47

Just after an opinion from other grandparents as trying to work out of the problem lies with my parents or me and my children. My parents have never been full on with my kids- my kids are quite active and like lots of attention. Because they dont really get any attention from my parents they do naughty things or are just rude to get noticed. I thought gp's were suppose to do fun things with their grandchildren but they have been there and done that with me and my brother so they expect them to just sit in the corner and play. We have tried to get them more involved but they just aren't interested. They have looked after them overnight once and the kids were sent to bed at 6pm so they could watch a film. When I asked my mum why they couldn't have watched a suitable film all together her answer was "because she doesn't want to sit through some crappy kids film" . There is also a lot of jealousy from my kids as my brother's wife has 2 little girls who my parents adore. They are very quiet and angelic and my kids have guessed they prefer A and L to them!! My mum says they are no trouble and until they behave like their SGD's they dont really want to see them. Who is wrong here?? Just a bit of attention from their gp's instead of just being expected to sit in the corner like the step cousins whilst the adults drink wine!! The most weird thing is as parents they were amazing they did so much for us - and when I said this to my mum she said exactly they gave us a fantastic childhood and did so much with us so not their job to entertain kids anymore.

OP posts:
Holly60 · 31/05/2021 23:54

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Why should you care about someone who doesn’t care about you. I literally do not get the logic

Quite sad that you equate "older parents won't look after exhausting small children all the time" as "they don't care about me"

It’s more that OP is clearly hurt by her parents actions and they don’t seem to be bothered. In which case, why would OP put herself out in the future? If OP wasn’t bothered then fair enough, but she is, and she is their daughter.
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 31/05/2021 23:54

@MachiaNelly

Weird how this massively escalated when a lot of the posters didn't agree with you I've often seen this happen, but this one was glaringly obvious.
Same. What a coincidence.

And context is key - if the 11yo sent a rude text from the off why should the grandma pander to him? I don't think even an 11yo fishing for compliments of love via text at silly o clock at night is particularly healthy or warrants anything other than a serious discussion with mum about WTF they tell the kids about them

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 31/05/2021 23:56

And they will be the ones visiting her and making her cups of tea when she is old and infirm. No one is more adored than a caring granny

Don't bet on it. You can invest in relationships all you want, it won't stop them being selfish adults who ever visits, or go to live abroad and far away and see you once in a flood. As a PP mentioned on here people are very quick to ditch their parents once they reach old age

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 31/05/2021 23:58

Clubbing? Clubbing? Again, I’m lost for words. Quite frankly, how embarrassing for them.

@Holly60 why? There isn't an age limit on clubbing, it's what they enjoy doing, why should they be embarrassed? They go to about 5 festivals a year too and drink the young ones under the tableS

Very, very sad that you think people over a certain age have to behave in a certain way. Cardigans and bridge and talking about the old days once you hit 60. Says a lot about what you think of yourself IMO.

Holly60 · 01/06/2021 00:00

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

And they will be the ones visiting her and making her cups of tea when she is old and infirm. No one is more adored than a caring granny

Don't bet on it. You can invest in relationships all you want, it won't stop them being selfish adults who ever visits, or go to live abroad and far away and see you once in a flood. As a PP mentioned on here people are very quick to ditch their parents once they reach old age

Ok apologies, I should have said ‘I’m my experience…’ when my mother got older it was my DC and DNephews who visited her, cut her grass, sorted out the WiFi and ordered things online that she needed. They adored her, but then she adored them and made it blindingly obvious
Holly60 · 01/06/2021 00:08

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Clubbing? Clubbing? Again, I’m lost for words. Quite frankly, how embarrassing for them.

@Holly60 why? There isn't an age limit on clubbing, it's what they enjoy doing, why should they be embarrassed? They go to about 5 festivals a year too and drink the young ones under the tableS

Very, very sad that you think people over a certain age have to behave in a certain way. Cardigans and bridge and talking about the old days once you hit 60. Says a lot about what you think of yourself IMO.

Ok so if you didn’t get it the first time, my comments regarding Bridge and hip replacements were tongue in cheek (not sure anyone plays bridge nowadays or has done since the 70s). However my comments about ‘clubbing’ were deadly serious. My DC went clubbing when younger (although I’m not sure they ever called it that tbh- also sounds a bit ‘retro’ to me) and from their experience I got the impression it was not really something you do once you hit a more ‘sophisticated’ age. It’s not so much of an age thing for me, just more that it seems a bit trashy. Yes when you are young, go out and get it out of your system, but once you’ve done that surely there is no need to go and get blind drunk from awful alcohol in a darkened room, with people who (let’s face it) will be significantly younger than you. Just sounds quite cringey if you want my honest opinion.

Music festivals are a totally different thing though, depending on which ones you are talking about.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 01/06/2021 00:11

@Holly60 but if it's what they enjoy, who gives a fuck what other people think? This is a very basic principal we teach children for crying out loud.

And how is getting drunk dancing at a festival different from getting drunk and dancing in a club?

ViciousJackdaw · 01/06/2021 00:20

Music festivals are a totally different thing though, depending on which ones you are talking about

I see. Could you tell me which festivals are deemed suitable for a lady of a certain age? I'd hate to make a social faux pas.

CookieMonsterMunch · 01/06/2021 00:22

It all sounds very odd. Is the family dynamic healthy in general? Something feels off. Kids behaviour does tend to deteriorate if they feel unfairly treated and generally frowned upon. Adults would tend to object to that too! Don’t force this relationship upon your kids if they’re only getting hurt by it. Better to teach them to walk away from people who don’t treat them with respect than to teach them to become someone else’s punchbag

It’s hard to know from your posts if your kids behaviour is a reaction to being treated poorly by GPs or if this is a discipline issue. Also even very active toddlers can learn to keep calm and quiet for a little while and when they start to struggle you leave and accept they’ve reached their limit. Have you been forcing your kids to stay all day sat still and quiet with nothing to do at grandmas house? Just take them for very short visits that everyone can actually enjoy.

Holly60 · 01/06/2021 00:30

[quote FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]@Holly60 but if it's what they enjoy, who gives a fuck what other people think? This is a very basic principal we teach children for crying out loud.

And how is getting drunk dancing at a festival different from getting drunk and dancing in a club?
[/quote]
Well I wasn’t really talking about music festivals where the sole purpose is to get drunk and dance. There are many different types of music festival, and lots of them are more about people getting together to enjoy music, and sometimes particularly good food and drink… but you are quite right, there are all sorts of people in the world…

wildeverose · 01/06/2021 00:31

Agree it's very coincidental that your DS decided to text his DN late at night to ask why she doesn't like him, in the middle of your thread which wasn't going your way....
Very strange indeed

Summerfun54321 · 01/06/2021 01:13

I totally get what you’re saying OP. Not sure why you’re getting a hard time. I’d rather my kids wanted physical activity and human interaction than just sat in the corner watching a screen being quiet. And obviously bored, under-stimulated and ignored children do things for attention. Just don’t send your children there unaccompanied. My in-laws sound similar and we just see them for walks or lunch, the children don’t go for sleepovers like they do with my parents.

Enough4me · 01/06/2021 01:17

Your story certainly became more extreme when you weren't getting the response that you wanted.

You have kids that play GPs up, GPs have no time for them, end of.

user1471439310 · 01/06/2021 01:20

This makes me sad. I'm a grandmother to four children. I get tired, I don't want to play or watch kids movies but I love my grandchildren and spending time with them is not a burden. Your kids don't want to sit and read, they want some attention. Your parents are missing so much, I wouldn't bother with them.

mantlepiece · 01/06/2021 01:21

OP, I’m a grandma and I do think this situation is more to do with your relationship with your parents than your children’s relationship with them.
The children’s relationship is the collateral damage so to speak.

One observation I have made is the way you speak about your MIL. Very different to the way you speak about your parents.
People are different, if you compare and judge people you are going to be disappointed. Try and find the good points in people in general, there will always be at least one.

I feel you are setting your parents up to fail, and it is this that is causing your children’s distress. You are communicating your dissatisfaction with your parents to your children. That is why they are unhappy.

There are many shades of grandparents just as there are parents, children tend to accept that. I do think they have picked up on your dislike of your own parents.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 01/06/2021 09:42

At 11 & 8 I would expect children to occupy themselves quite a lot tbf. All children "like a lot of attention" - they can't always have it and by this age should have learned that being naughty or rude in response won't help.

Can you make sure you take some things to occupy them when you go? What would they play with independently at home? A lego kit, a board game they can play together? If you can reset the mix with a spell of better behaviour the grandparents are likely to be mollified and more likely to engage with them positively.

Bayleaf25 · 01/06/2021 09:50

I think partly accept that they aren't that interested in the day to day looking after / entertainment / overnight visits, and instead invite them on days out where the kids are already being entertained - the park, farm park, swimming etc. etc. Or invite them to yours for a BBQ so the kids can play / play with their own toys / watch a film so they aren't bored.

or you could suggest specific things for them to do - i.e. the 11 year old could go shopping (clothes) with your mum or something?

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 01/06/2021 09:56

Also are your children boys?

My parents are older (70s) and struggle with their very active grandsons because they simply cannot manage hours and hours of running about/playing football etc any more. They are both fit & healthy in their own right but theres a big difference between going walking with other OAPs and keeping up with an active 11 year old - they are tireless in a way old people simply arent.

iminthegarden · 01/06/2021 10:05

What happened to it takes a village? Your DCs are their family and if they should be there to support and help if they have any issues with the kids. Children can be difficult. The parents on here calling out the parenting of spirited children obviously have never had them. Used to really annoy me when parents got praised for their quiet, shy, introverted kids as if their parenting was the reason for it. It wasn't! If your parents have been made aware and their still not interested, then don't put up with it. Give them less time, no point having them over to sit around, they either pull their finger out and act like a constructive and helpful family member or they can go and entertain themselves elsewhere.

Nocutenamesleft · 01/06/2021 10:31

My parents are like that

Not in the way they treat my kids. But my in laws live miles away. So rarely have the kids. My mum is too poorly. My father doesn’t live in this country. So neither have ever had the kids to stay much. Though my mum does her very best. But we’ve never had that overnight stay thing.

I see a lot of grandchildren looking after their grandkids full time. I see them picking them up at schools. Toddler groups and I just think poor them. I’m a late aged mother. So I’ll be in my 60’s before any grandchild is born! I want to do things like travel the world. Live abroad. I do understand why some grandparents do it. Their children’s marriages break down. They have to work to provide. So it starts a cycle. My children often ask my mum why they don’t stay over. But she honestly can’t do it and I completely 100% support that. Yes I do feel sad sometimes. But my mum is also of the opinion that you wanted children. You look after the children. So I knew that far far ahead of ever having children. Then she got sick. So that doesn’t bother me. I do feel slightly sad that I loved going to see my granny. She’d take me onto the pier. We’d go out all day. Then she’d cook (she was an amazing cook! Could make pasty like no other). I loved the smell of her house. Loved her house. Was sad when it was sold. Wished I’d had the money to buy it. I digress.

So occasionally I’m sad. I know my in laws would be there like a shot if they lived closer. My mother in law is truly wonderful with our children. My father in law is too. But my children ADORE my mother in law. But they just live too far away. I couldn’t bare to be parted from my mum.

It’s a hard one. Some grandparents just don’t want that and you have to accept that. Its not a given that they are even in their lives. We assume they will be.

It’s ok to be sad. But it’s also ok for them to not want to be in their lives.

Nocutenamesleft · 01/06/2021 10:48

@Holly60

Some grandparents are in their 30’s!! Why wouldn’t they go clubbing. Heck. Even if they’re in their 70’s and want to go clubbing I’d think it was fab!

Nocutenamesleft · 01/06/2021 10:51

@Holly60

Ha. My father is a grandmaster in bridge! He’s one of the best in the uk and Europe at bridge and has one major tournaments. Ha

AiryFairyMum · 01/06/2021 10:53

Some kids are annoying to some people, others aren't. But it is important to teach your children that being annoying to provoke people into a reaction will not serve them well in life, if only for their own benefit. As time goes on, your parents wont be the only people who do not respond well to this behaviour.

Nocutenamesleft · 01/06/2021 10:53

@ViciousJackdaw

Music festivals are a totally different thing though, depending on which ones you are talking about

I see. Could you tell me which festivals are deemed suitable for a lady of a certain age? I'd hate to make a social faux pas.

I worked all the music festivals. Trust me. Most of the staff are well into their 50’s. I mean one of the blokes that owns the land Glastonbury is on has got to be pushing it now. Or he was when we did that one! Might of changed hands. Or maybe it was someone else. I just remember he was a farmer.
KevinTheGoat · 01/06/2021 11:31

I'm with the grandparents, frankly. Your kids are old enough to play on their own and winding up their grandparents isn't going to make them think, "Oh yes, I should play with them after all," it's just going to piss them off.

@Nocutenamesleft i also worked music festivals in my twenties and we had a few veteran stewards (and Michael Eavis, who I think you're referring to, is 85). Primavera definitely has a few grannies and grandads in attendance - Dr John played in 2014 and I remember he attracted quite a senior crowd. My parents are in their 60s and they still go to gigs, and Rebellion is full of ancient punks, both the bands and the fans. I used to think old people going out clubbing or whatever was cringey but now I think, "Good for you."