Grandparents!!

[jacspatoutthecat]

Just after an opinion from other grandparents as trying to work out of the problem lies with my parents or me and my children. My parents have never been full on with my kids- my kids are quite active and like lots of attention. Because they dont really get any attention from my parents they do naughty things or are just rude to get noticed. I thought gp's were suppose to do fun things with their grandchildren but they have been there and done that with me and my brother so they expect them to just sit in the corner and play. We have tried to get them more involved but they just aren't interested. They have looked after them overnight once and the kids were sent to bed at 6pm so they could watch a film. When I asked my mum why they couldn't have watched a suitable film all together her answer was "because she doesn't want to sit through some crappy kids film" . There is also a lot of jealousy from my kids as my brother's wife has 2 little girls who my parents adore. They are very quiet and angelic and my kids have guessed they prefer A and L to them!! My mum says they are no trouble and until they behave like their SGD's they dont really want to see them. Who is wrong here?? Just a bit of attention from their gp's instead of just being expected to sit in the corner like the step cousins whilst the adults drink wine!! The most weird thing is as parents they were amazing they did so much for us - and when I said this to my mum she said exactly they gave us a fantastic childhood and did so much with us so not their job to entertain kids anymore.

An 11 and 8 year old know how to behave. They also can reason out that their behaviour, when poor, is not acceptable or desirable. The first thing they need to do is behave.

@Holly60 of course children get overwhelmed and act up but I disagree that they should be uncooperative and disruptive very often. But generally being demanding, naughty and rude is not really comparable.

No one wants to look after rude naughty children. You need to parent your children its not acceptable them being rude and disrespectful to your parents I'd be livid if my children did that to my parents..the fact is the issue is with your dc and their behaviour, the fact they happily have your sils dc suggests it's not a case of not wanting to be around children but not wanting to tolerate badly behaved ones.

Op I understand, we have similar with gps. Children are expected to sit quietly for long periods of time while adults chat. Then when they start playing quietly they are either moved or questioned.
If they play in the garden they are told to watch the plants before they have even stepped outside. (They have never, broken or knocked a plant)
The gps would like the children to sit still in one space for hours at a time.
They just feel like they can’t do anything right.
The outcome is that I don’t take them round there very often, and I get moaned at that the gps never see us.

It was very similar with my Nan, she used to say all the time children should be seen and not heard. I stopped see to her when I was about 11

11 and 8 year olds should know that naughty and rude is not appropriate and your 14 year old sounds just as delightful. Are you using her to justify that the problem lies with your parents?

Have you asked them why they have badly for their grandparents?

@LittleOwl153

Tbh OP I'd just not bother taking your kids to the grandparents. If they are not interested you can't make them be, and I wouldn't want them growing up being compared to other kids no matter how good those kids are. Unless there is a really good reason you need to be there or have them at yours I'd just forget it. (See how long it take for them to notice!)

We will definitely take a break from seeing them as the dynamics just don't work. Such a shame but they have a good relationship with MIL so think we will just stick to that for a while!!

Ok... the reason I asked their ages is because there's a world of difference between an attention seeking or rude toddler and the same in an older child.

At 11 and 8 being naughty or disruptive if they don't get attention or being rude to grandparents is not acceptable. And at those ages they should be able to occupy themselves for periods of time - certainly for longer than their younger cousins. How do you respond when they behave like that with or in front of their grandparents? Or more generally for that matter? Do you make it clear that this in unacceptable and if it continues there will be a consequence? Do you back your parents up if they tell them off?

The fact that your nieces are do much younger yet behave so much better speaks volumes, and is the reason why your parents have a better relationship with them.

I think both parties might be a bit to blame here.
Whilst not a grandma, I remember watching my niece and having her properly scream and kick out at me in a shop when I wouldn’t give her what she wants - I thought then, I love her but I’m not her mother and I don’t have to deal with this. You can’t discipline someone else’s kid these days so it’s really hard to just put up with constant bad behaviour.

Just seen there ages and it makes it worse. I thought you were talking about a 2- 5 year old. I have a 7 and half old and 12 year old my parents aren't as active but when they visit they are completely respectful and helpful. There's no excuse for poor behaviour at that age and your 14 year old sound equally delightful. You sound like your one of those parents who they can't do wrong. Shameful. Your poor parents.

I think I'd sooner look after the quiet, angelic little girls as well.

No one is being unreasonable here really. It's ok for your parents to choose not to be very actively involved grandparents, and it's ok for you to feel disappointed and hurt by that choice.

I'm exhausted just thinking about it! I would work on establishing manners in your kids first, and expectations. Let the kids take a book or tablet to the GPS, and don't expect the GPS to entertain your kids the whole time.

Sympathies, my parents are shit grandparents too. Liked the kids as babies, but once they were school age seemed unable to keep up emotionally. Revealing their own limitations.

I also thought you were talking around 2-5. They're a lot older than I thought they would be. I wouldn't want to look after them either if they're rude or naughty.

My parents are very good with the DC. V interested and play with them. They see them once a week and help out by taking them on day trips etc in school hols.

If they were like you describe then to be, I would reduce contact - don't want DC to pick up on their negative feeling and feel rejected - and remember how much they helped when they are in need of help in older age. I know I will care for my parents v v well when elderly because they have shown me nothing but love and kindness. Wouldn't be doing much in your shoes.

I can see both sides from reading these posts. But when I ask the kids why they play up they say because they aren't wanted by them. They never ask them about school or friends or anything. When I say- they - it is my mum really my dad just does as my mum tells him!! As I mentioned previously my kids are quite active and chatty. Grandparents won't allow balls or garden play stuff in their garden and my kids really aren't into their screens - when they were little it was a bit easier because my mum would give them paper and pens and put cbeebies on but now they are older they are fighting against this which starts the arguments. My dad offered to buy my son a playstation to keep there so when he visits he can keep out of grannies way but this didn't go down well as my son said he didnt want one. My older DD would like to just sit and chat with my mum about school friendss etc but my mum isnt interested in anything that they do do hence why she usually stays home now. My DSDs are still happy with tv and crayons so that is why they find them easier.

I thought you were taking about pre schoolers.

Yeah I’d give up too.
Your DC are noticing the difference. They know they aren’t liked. What’s that going to do to their self esteem?

Sounds a lot like you are doing the pick me dance and losing.

There's no excuse for their behaviour op at all your finding fault with your parents without addressing their poor behaviour. Your own dad offered to buy a console for him and he didn't want one. Neighbours could have complained about the noise or balls going next door. Sounds like your dm wants abit of piece to relax I don't blame her, their behaviour has likely put them off having them. Kids that age shouldn't be expected to be entertained all the time. I'd find that exhausting if my own dc demanded my attention constantly. They are comfortable watching TV or arts and crafts and entertaining themselves.

Why are they stopping there so long and over night? It sounds too long. My own parents don't have my dc over night the max amount of time has been approx 2-3 hours at their house slightly longer if they came to my house but they let the kids get on with things its only ever one child and isn't a regular occurance.

@LeafBeetle

No one is being unreasonable here really. It's ok for your parents to choose not to be very actively involved grandparents, and it's ok for you to feel disappointed and hurt by that choice.

Yes, I think this too.

I also think op is right not to make too much effort to involve them.

Fwiw, my mum is dead, my dad lives overseas and we only see PILs for walks in the woods at the moment. Sometimes GPs are very involved and that's lovely, but something they can or don't want to be and that's also pretty common. It can hurt though if you feel as if your DC are missing out. Mine are just used to not having GPs who are close to them, which is sad, but at least they don't expect a relationship which isn't there.

Well by your update your DSN’s may not be welcome as they get older either, once they can’t be pacified with crayons. Still doesn’t excuse them being rude and naughty.

I have to say as my DGC get older they don’t all want to come as much as they want to play with friends and sometimes say they are bored. I do ask what they want to do when they’re bored though rather than ignore them but sometimes the answer is they want to go home. Ouch!

because she doesn't want to sit through some crappy kids film
I think that says it all, she doesn't consider them important enough to put their needs before hers ...unlike her other grandchildren

@BrilliantBetty - I think that's a really poor attitude to have. You wouldn't care for your elderly/ill/infirm parents because they didn't jump at the chance to spend time with your rude and badly behaved eight and 11 year old children? Children who should have been raised to know it's not appropriate to be rude to and badly behaved for their grandparents?
OP, you are doing everything you can in this thread to make your parents the problem without accepting that you might have been able to do something about this a bit sooner by teaching your children to behave? I also think you're projecting perceived feelings of jealousy onto them. You are the one who is jealous that your parents are happier to engage with the children who aren't rude and badly behaved. I, too, thought you were talking about toddlers/preschoolers and was going to say that in a few years they'll be much better at managing their behaviour and your parents will find them easier but yikes, they're already eight and 11.

I'm not impressed with your parents. They are treating your children badly and if your children want to go NC you should facilitate that.