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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandparents!!

139 replies

jacspatoutthecat · 31/05/2021 20:47

Just after an opinion from other grandparents as trying to work out of the problem lies with my parents or me and my children. My parents have never been full on with my kids- my kids are quite active and like lots of attention. Because they dont really get any attention from my parents they do naughty things or are just rude to get noticed. I thought gp's were suppose to do fun things with their grandchildren but they have been there and done that with me and my brother so they expect them to just sit in the corner and play. We have tried to get them more involved but they just aren't interested. They have looked after them overnight once and the kids were sent to bed at 6pm so they could watch a film. When I asked my mum why they couldn't have watched a suitable film all together her answer was "because she doesn't want to sit through some crappy kids film" . There is also a lot of jealousy from my kids as my brother's wife has 2 little girls who my parents adore. They are very quiet and angelic and my kids have guessed they prefer A and L to them!! My mum says they are no trouble and until they behave like their SGD's they dont really want to see them. Who is wrong here?? Just a bit of attention from their gp's instead of just being expected to sit in the corner like the step cousins whilst the adults drink wine!! The most weird thing is as parents they were amazing they did so much for us - and when I said this to my mum she said exactly they gave us a fantastic childhood and did so much with us so not their job to entertain kids anymore.

OP posts:

QioiioiioQ · 31/05/2021 22:17

@jacspatoutthecat

They are good kids most of the time. Only only badly behaved for my parents. They have a fab relationship with their other nana but she does loads with them and she enjoys having kids around her again. She comes over often and they run to her with open arms. My auntie and my mum fell out last year as my auntie has no problems with them either. They are 11 and 8. Step nieces 5 and 6. I also have a 14 yr old but she chooses to stay home with the dog when we visit as she has no time for them.

Your 14-year old sees them for what they are, I would just stop bothering with them.

Original poster

jacspatoutthecat · 31/05/2021 22:20

Just heard my son crying upstairs he is quite sensitive and he has stupidly just texted my mum and asked her why she doesn't like him. Opened a whole can of worms and I have just taken his phone off him as my mum is actually being quite horrible to him and he is being horrible back. I give up. They have my MIL who really loves and they love with all their heart. I am done with trying anymore but thanks for all your helpful comments.

OP posts:

Cameleongirl · 31/05/2021 22:21

DH’s parents aren’t interested in our children( now 16 and nearly 13) and it used to upset me-but you have to accept it and move on. My children have also recognized that their GP’s aren’t bothered and the feeling’s become mutual, you reap what you sow!. I’d stop trying to get them together, OP, it’s not worth it.

Totally different with my Dad and SM, they love them dearly and both kids want to jump on a plane and see them as soon as they realistically can. That’s because they talk to them and show an interest.

EasterIssland · 31/05/2021 22:23

I feel sorry for your kids. They go to their gps and feel unwelcome. Have a screen there and be quiet don’t make any noise. I don’t blame your 14yo who doesn’t want to go to see them tbh. It’s sad that your parents instead of wanting to play with them or get involved with them treat them like strangers.

It’s one thing your kids being naughty by default. It’s another to expect them to be quiet and not say a word so they don’t get disturbed. I’d stop going around as well. They’re welcome to come to you if they want to but don’t force the kids into a relationship they’re not loved

theleafandnotthetree · 31/05/2021 22:26

@User629202

That’s shit for you OP, but there isn’t much you can do. There’s a strong culture in this country of grandparents being expected to be doting on their grandchildren and the providers of excellent childcare, but the reality is of course some aren’t interested in that. They clearly feel they’ve done their child rearing, and that part of their lives is over now.

I completely understand why that’s frustrating and upsetting to you, but I also don’t think your parents are in the wrong. They’re entitled to decide they’re not interested in providing ongoing childcare.

Actually if mumsnet is anything to go by, I think there's a weak culture of grandparenting. Time and again posters who are on their knees and would like some support are reminded that their parents have done their job and they should expect nothing.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/05/2021 22:26

Oh dear. Well it sounds like you won’t be seeing them again for a while. Block her from his phone.

FortunesFave · 31/05/2021 22:26

I have two DC and have never sat through kids films with them. Nor have I played board games.

I HATE both things.

Does that make me a bad parent? No. It makes me someone with boundaries.

I do other things with them of course...crafts, walking, gardening...always played with them on the swings etc at the park.

But I won't judge someone for not sitting through kids' films with them!

Holly60 · 31/05/2021 22:29

[quote Faevern]@Holly60 of course children get overwhelmed and act up but I disagree that they should be uncooperative and disruptive very often. But generally being demanding, naughty and rude is not really comparable.[/quote]
I’m not sure OP said her children were generally demanding, naughty and rude…

Holly60 · 31/05/2021 22:32

@jacspatoutthecat

As painful as it is I think you need to accept it and as you’ve said, focus on their relationship with your MIL. Your son has clearly picked up on something negative. Act like it’s no big deal and he will soon feel the same. He will only really care if you do.

stayathomer · 31/05/2021 22:33

I never understood my in laws and my kids until I started getting rickety joints and back problems, with this came tiredness and I suddenly began to see my kids in their eyes as I thought about the future and possibly babysitting young kids, and the thought terrified me!! Saying that part of it is personality, I know someone whose in laws cancelled a movie night in because the movie the adults wanted to see wasn't available and they explained to my friend that they weren't going to sit through any cartoons or family movies they didn't want to see and when she asked could they not just have a board game night they said that was boring. So there's levels. Sorry to hear it op

Holly60 · 31/05/2021 22:34

FWIW any reply your mum wrote other than ‘of course I like you, and I love you- I’m your granny’ is totally unacceptable from your DM. That is the only thing I would say if any of my DGC asked if I liked them!!!

stayathomer · 31/05/2021 22:35

FortunesFave does someone else do these things with your kids though?

theleafandnotthetree · 31/05/2021 22:38

@Holly60

Agreed, OP your mother sounds like a bit of a bitch quite frankly. Regardless of how she feels about your sons behaviour, she is the adult and that is very poor form to respond so unkindly to his vulnerability.

Holly60 · 31/05/2021 22:41

@FortunesFave

I have two DC and have never sat through kids films with them. Nor have I played board games.

I HATE both things.

Does that make me a bad parent? No. It makes me someone with boundaries.

I do other things with them of course...crafts, walking, gardening...always played with them on the swings etc at the park.

But I won't judge someone for not sitting through kids' films with them!

It would only make you a bad parent if your DC loved doing either of these things and had asked for you specifically to do it with them, as in ‘please mummy, can we watch x film together’. If not, then of course it doesn’t make you a bad parent.

BigHeadBertha · 31/05/2021 22:45

It's hard to know what's going on in this situation when all we see are a few paragraphs rather than seeing it in person. Are the children feral things or are the grandparents cantankerous old fossils or is the truth somewhere in between? Who knows.

However, I do find it strange that your mother appears to be engaging in a text fight with a child(!) I also find it inappropriate that your parents don't seem to even try to hide their gross favoritism for their step grandchildren.

But we don't need to say who is right or wrong to know it's not working and not good for anyone, as it is.

Your kids might be a bit wild but if the other grandmother likes them, that's a solid vote that they're not over the top obnoxious.

You don't say your parents' ages but I'd caution that sometimes older people don't have the energy they had when they were younger, don't feel well and can be susceptible to mental deterioration as well.

I'd try to keep this as light and calm as possible and just accept that your parents and your children do better apart from each other.

I'd tell your kids they're just old and don't feel well, don't tell them how great they are with your kids' cousins and don't subject them to going where they're not wanted, at least not very much.

Maybe you can keep visits short, or meet in a restaurant with a play area or a park or have your fourteen-year-old babysit while the adults get together.

Maybe when your kids and your parents will enjoy each other's company better when your kids are older.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 31/05/2021 22:53

Your parents aren't a pair of Butlins red coats. They're not obliged to be children's entertainers. And your kids sound very rude and badly behaved. My mum takes zero interest in my children, they're still polite to her! And if they weren't I wouldn't blame her for not being fun enough!

I don't think many people realise how exhausting it is for older people to look after and entertain small children.

MoppaSprings · 31/05/2021 22:53

How old were your kids when they were sent to bed at 6pm?!

I would just give up trying to facilitate a relationship with them. They don’t seem to be willing to put in any effort with them.

bellie710 · 31/05/2021 22:54

I assumed your kids were under 5! 11 and 8 should know how to behave, being rude and misbehaving is not acceptable. It sounds like they are picking up on what you are obviously discussing at home?? I am not surprised they prefer the other well behaved kids!

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 31/05/2021 22:57

Weird how this massively escalated when a lot of the posters didn't agree with you.

HerMammy · 31/05/2021 23:02

I also assumed under 5/6 yrs old not 8 & 11!
Also sounds like you’ve openly discussed your thoughts about it in front of/with your DC that they are asking your DM if she likes them.
I think you have to take a fair bit of responsibility here; your kids are poorly behaved and you have seem to have encouraged the idea of granny disliking them.
I’m mystified why you’ve kept leaving them with someone who dislikes them.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 31/05/2021 23:03

But when I ask the kids why they play up they say because they aren't wanted by them.

And your older DD wants "nothing to do with them" - do you raise your children to believe their GPs don't like them? Is this openly talked about? It seems there's an anti-GP dynamic in your family

They never ask them about school or friends or anything.

What do your DC ask their GPs about their lives?

I loathe this idea that's it's "all about children all the time" but o the point a grandparent can't have a glass of wine lest they not be focussing 100% of their attention on the children. Relationships are two way streets, and this is important to teach kids. GPs and not childcare robots.

DumplingsAndStew · 31/05/2021 23:08

@jacspatoutthecat

My DSDs are still happy with tv and crayons so that is why they find them easier.

Oops?

MachiaNelly · 31/05/2021 23:13

Show me someone who says they have a perfectly behaved child and I’ll show you a liar….

I'm not a liar. My children were always well behaved and never rude to their grandparents. Some children are just naturally sweet tempered and don't witness much rudeness around them to copy. Maybe I was just lucky.

Holly60 · 31/05/2021 23:17

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

But when I ask the kids why they play up they say because they aren't wanted by them.

And your older DD wants "nothing to do with them" - do you raise your children to believe their GPs don't like them? Is this openly talked about? It seems there's an anti-GP dynamic in your family

They never ask them about school or friends or anything.

What do your DC ask their GPs about their lives?

Do you REALLY think it’s realistic to think that children are going to start asking grandparents ‘about their lives’ as you put it?? How would that conversation go? ‘Granny, do tell me about your latest Bridge game, and after that you must regale me with the tale of Edna’s hip replacement…’ literally no words

Cameleongirl · 31/05/2021 23:17

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop. I agree that relationships are two-way streets, but ultimately, the grandparents are the adults so they need to take the lead. If GP’s make it clear that they’re not interested in their GC’s lives, why would that interest be reciprocated? Adults need to model how relationships work.

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