Grandparents!!

[jacspatoutthecat]

Just after an opinion from other grandparents as trying to work out of the problem lies with my parents or me and my children. My parents have never been full on with my kids- my kids are quite active and like lots of attention. Because they dont really get any attention from my parents they do naughty things or are just rude to get noticed. I thought gp's were suppose to do fun things with their grandchildren but they have been there and done that with me and my brother so they expect them to just sit in the corner and play. We have tried to get them more involved but they just aren't interested. They have looked after them overnight once and the kids were sent to bed at 6pm so they could watch a film. When I asked my mum why they couldn't have watched a suitable film all together her answer was "because she doesn't want to sit through some crappy kids film" . There is also a lot of jealousy from my kids as my brother's wife has 2 little girls who my parents adore. They are very quiet and angelic and my kids have guessed they prefer A and L to them!! My mum says they are no trouble and until they behave like their SGD's they dont really want to see them. Who is wrong here?? Just a bit of attention from their gp's instead of just being expected to sit in the corner like the step cousins whilst the adults drink wine!! The most weird thing is as parents they were amazing they did so much for us - and when I said this to my mum she said exactly they gave us a fantastic childhood and did so much with us so not their job to entertain kids anymore.

@ViciousJackdaw

Music festivals are a totally different thing though, depending on which ones you are talking about

I see. Could you tell me which festivals are deemed suitable for a lady of a certain age? I'd hate to make a social faux pas.

Glyndebourne, my dear.

@KevinTheGoat

I'm with the grandparents, frankly. Your kids are old enough to play on their own and winding up their grandparents isn't going to make them think, "Oh yes, I should play with them after all," it's just going to piss them off.

@Nocutenamesleft i also worked music festivals in my twenties and we had a few veteran stewards (and Michael Eavis, who I think you're referring to, is 85). Primavera definitely has a few grannies and grandads in attendance - Dr John played in 2014 and I remember he attracted quite a senior crowd. My parents are in their 60s and they still go to gigs, and Rebellion is full of ancient punks, both the bands and the fans. I used to think old people going out clubbing or whatever was cringey but now I think, "Good for you."

Yes! We were part of the crew. I was an engineer. We’d sit and have meetings about a year ahead of the festivals. I remember he was a hell of a lot of fun! It’s only a week but it’s still takes months of planing.

I often saw old people. Either at the festivals. Even rarer at the clubs. Even rarer at the stadium concerts. Partly due to the fact that it’s standing and we’ve had people break bones due to crushes.

I also think yes. Do it! You only live once.

Just heard my son crying upstairs he is quite sensitive and he has stupidly just texted my mum and asked her why she doesn't like him

I really don't believe this true. But if it is, he's not sensitive- he's manipulative, attention-seeking and incredibly rude. I hope your mum gave him a good dressing down and that you backed her

My children do not misbehave anywhere else and are good at school and other relatives houses.

In other words, other relatives pander to their need for constant attention. Your parents don’t feel they should have to do that for an eleven year old. And neither should they.

My DGC (who adore me btw) are very often disruptive, unruly, uncooperative etc. It’s because they get tired/hungry/over stimulated/under stimulated / frustrated ….they are learning

As long as you're willing to find excuses for their grotty behaviour it will continue, sometimes there are no reasons other than they're badly behaved!
On the odd occasion I've had to tell my grandchildren off they've been mortified but it's never been for rudeness or disruptive behaviour.

@QioiioiioQ

because she doesn't want to sit through some crappy kids film I think that says it all, she doesn't consider them important enough to put their needs before hers ...unlike her other grandchildren

I've slept through some horrible films both at the cinema and at home when the children were staying!

I have small children but can fully sympathise with my Mum not wanting to look after them very often. She raised me for years and dealt with the shit kids films, tantrums and everything in between so now it’s her time to quite rightly chill out. I don’t expect her to dote on my DC because that’s my job as their Mother.

@iminthegarden

What happened to it takes a village? Your DCs are their family and if they should be there to support and help if they have any issues with the kids. Children can be difficult. The parents on here calling out the parenting of spirited children obviously have never had them. Used to really annoy me when parents got praised for their quiet, shy, introverted kids as if their parenting was the reason for it. It wasn't! If your parents have been made aware and their still not interested, then don't put up with it. Give them less time, no point having them over to sit around, they either pull their finger out and act like a constructive and helpful family member or they can go and entertain themselves elsewhere.

Yes!! Finally a voice of reason. I totally agree with you

@JudgeJ

My DGC (who adore me btw) are very often disruptive, unruly, uncooperative etc. It’s because they get tired/hungry/over stimulated/under stimulated / frustrated ….they are learning

As long as you're willing to find excuses for their grotty behaviour it will continue, sometimes there are no reasons other than they're badly behaved!
On the odd occasion I've had to tell my grandchildren off they've been mortified but it's never been for rudeness or disruptive behaviour.

What you call excuses I call reasons. For example I’m with my DGC today and my grandson was really playing up and kept wanting to change his clothes and getting cross with the clothes he was wearing. I just sat him down with a cheese sandwich and he is now happy as Larry. Turns out he was hungry. It just took me a bit to realise it as they’d had lunch as usual. I don’t think he even realised he was hungry… There is usually a reason why children play up - you just have to work it out.

This sounds like a mismatch of expectations between you and your parents that's not working for anyone.

You want them to be super involved, super active, super interested - and that's just not their thing. And honestly, I don't even like doing this with my own children so I'm totally sympathetic. I also have a couple of very demanding nieces/nephews/friend's children and frankly it's unbearable to be around them and their parents who think it's cute and endearing.

On their side, they really are not particularly bothered by children who aren't happy to sit and read on the side. I do see your point if you say that they don't like the kids running around and playing in the garden even.

I have a very elderly "aunt" (relationship is more complicated but we simplify it) and she likes children but quite frankly is not going to be playing and engaging with them. When we go there however, she is very happy to let the Dc into the garden and watch them play (but they are expected not to destroy her flower beds). She might drag out a small toy or book that she has lying around. She'll definitely ensure there's a nice biscuit or cake for them. She will have a kind word if they bring her something to show her etc. If your parents can't even do this bare minimum, then I can see why you're upset.

Arguably, neither side is completely wrong.

All this happens when we are visiting as a family. My mum made it clear before my eldest was even born that she didn't want to be involved in childcare. We have always respected this. Had a lovely conversation with my DF today who was appalled st what happened yesterday and said I just need to accept that as she gets older she is becoming grouchy with everyone including him. Next weekend he has offered to take my 11 yr old out for the day my son is thrilled not because he is demanding and spoilt but because he gets to spend time with his grandad.

my kids are quite active and like lots of attention. Because they dont really get any attention from my parents they do naughty things or are just rude to get noticed

Way to go in the excellent parenting stakes!

Not.

Your parents have been clear that they don't want to do childcare or child things.

Therefore you need to accept that and not expect them to change.

Therefore don't take the children over there.

@jacspatoutthecat

All this happens when we are visiting as a family. My mum made it clear before my eldest was even born that she didn't want to be involved in childcare. We have always respected this. Had a lovely conversation with my DF today who was appalled st what happened yesterday and said I just need to accept that as she gets older she is becoming grouchy with everyone including him. Next weekend he has offered to take my 11 yr old out for the day my son is thrilled not because he is demanding and spoilt but because he gets to spend time with his grandad.

That sounds lovely OP. I think you have gotten a very hard time on here. Even if your children were horrors, which they certainly don't seem to be, to an extent they'd be their horrors! Family, flesh and blood etc. I know lots of grandparents who positively dote on pretty rotten grandchildren and many more who take the rough with the smooth and who don't expect perfection. My own have a fairly robust relationship with my mum, it's very loving but real and people are free to be themselves. So my son might whinge he's bored but my mother could equally tell him to pipe down and stop being a brat.