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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents!!

139 replies

jacspatoutthecat · 31/05/2021 20:47

Just after an opinion from other grandparents as trying to work out of the problem lies with my parents or me and my children. My parents have never been full on with my kids- my kids are quite active and like lots of attention. Because they dont really get any attention from my parents they do naughty things or are just rude to get noticed. I thought gp's were suppose to do fun things with their grandchildren but they have been there and done that with me and my brother so they expect them to just sit in the corner and play. We have tried to get them more involved but they just aren't interested. They have looked after them overnight once and the kids were sent to bed at 6pm so they could watch a film. When I asked my mum why they couldn't have watched a suitable film all together her answer was "because she doesn't want to sit through some crappy kids film" . There is also a lot of jealousy from my kids as my brother's wife has 2 little girls who my parents adore. They are very quiet and angelic and my kids have guessed they prefer A and L to them!! My mum says they are no trouble and until they behave like their SGD's they dont really want to see them. Who is wrong here?? Just a bit of attention from their gp's instead of just being expected to sit in the corner like the step cousins whilst the adults drink wine!! The most weird thing is as parents they were amazing they did so much for us - and when I said this to my mum she said exactly they gave us a fantastic childhood and did so much with us so not their job to entertain kids anymore.

OP posts:
AGirlCalledJohnny · 31/05/2021 23:18

[quote DumplingsAndStew]@jacspatoutthecat

My DSDs are still happy with tv and crayons so that is why they find them easier.

Oops?[/quote]
Pretty sure OP meant Dear Sis’s Daughters

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/05/2021 23:20

Do you REALLY think it’s realistic to think that children are going to start asking grandparents ‘about their lives’ as you put it?? How would that conversation go? ‘Granny, do tell me about your latest Bridge game, and after that you must regale me with the tale of Edna’s hip replacement…’ literally no words

My two year old asks my mum how her friends are and names them. She knows what veg my mum is growing. My pre teen step kids ask about my dad and step mum’s cats, their volunteering work, step mum’s mum.

Why is it so hard to imagine children taking an interest in the adults in their lives? If you model consideration and decent conversation children of all ages pick up on it. If you don’t, how do you expect them to learn?

Cameleongirl · 31/05/2021 23:24

@AnneLovesGilbert. Exactly and it doesn’t sound as if these GP’s do model this behavior. They want to stick their grandchildren in front of a games console!

Lavendersquare · 31/05/2021 23:24

Op I completely understand where you're coming from with this, I have the same issue with DH's parents and it makes be so angry. My parents (same age as DH's parents) are fab with my two boys, playing games, taking them to the park and generally being happy to have their company whereas the PIL will expect them to sit in the house and amuse themselves not even really chatting to them, no chance of a trip to the park let alone a day out.

The children do notice the difference and now groan if we say we are visiting whilst they love going to my parents even if it's just to play in the garden.

katy1213 · 31/05/2021 23:25

Really weird people who prefer well-behaved children!

Footloosefancyfree · 31/05/2021 23:25

AccidentallyOnPurpose

Weird how this massively escalated when a lot of the posters didn't agree with you

I completely agree, I suspect op doesn't like the fact her dp aren't as hands on as she would like , like her mil is and is insistent on the sleepovers. As I stated my dc don't have sleepovers at my dps its not necessary and time spent there is usually when visiting, they don't tend to stay there without me, only up until recently my dd has been going for 2 hours for tea that's only one child and not all the time. You need to stop feeding into your children's insecurities. My inlaws constantly have other grandchildren round and don't spend time with my other than visits and they are pleasant enough but that is completely down to their choice I don't go discussing it with my children and they certainly aren't rude towards them and misbehave.

Sunnyfreezesushi · 31/05/2021 23:29

I think try 1 child one to one with them, limited time period, eg out for a walk. Could it be the dynamics between your children that is the problem?

MachiaNelly · 31/05/2021 23:29

that's a really poor attitude to have. You wouldn't care for your elderly/ill/infirm parents because they didn't jump at the chance to spend time with your rude and badly behaved eight and 11 year old

I see this attitude time and time again in here. If they won't look after my children for me then I shan't look after them. So entitled.

Holly60 · 31/05/2021 23:31

@AnneLovesGilbert

Do you REALLY think it’s realistic to think that children are going to start asking grandparents ‘about their lives’ as you put it?? How would that conversation go? ‘Granny, do tell me about your latest Bridge game, and after that you must regale me with the tale of Edna’s hip replacement…’ literally no words

My two year old asks my mum how her friends are and names them. She knows what veg my mum is growing. My pre teen step kids ask about my dad and step mum’s cats, their volunteering work, step mum’s mum.

Why is it so hard to imagine children taking an interest in the adults in their lives? If you model consideration and decent conversation children of all ages pick up on it. If you don’t, how do you expect them to learn?

It’s not a case of imagining it - I have grandchildren and of course they ask me things - but their questions arise in conversations that I have normally initiated. Just today I was having a chat with my DGD about her school and I told her about the fact that we still had corporal punishment when I first started. She asked me if I’d ever been slapped with a ruler and I explained that it went out out fashion when I was still tiny so it never happened to me, but that my teacher if she got cross used to brandish the wooden ruler on her desk… but I wouldn’t expect my DGC to initiate conversations about my life with no input from me… you get out what you put in, IMO
Holly60 · 31/05/2021 23:32

@MachiaNelly

that's a really poor attitude to have. You wouldn't care for your elderly/ill/infirm parents because they didn't jump at the chance to spend time with your rude and badly behaved eight and 11 year old

I see this attitude time and time again in here. If they won't look after my children for me then I shan't look after them. So entitled.

How on earth it that entitled??? Why should you care about someone who doesn’t care about you. I literally do not get the logic.
Original poster
jacspatoutthecat · 31/05/2021 23:37

My parents have only ever looked after my children once (when they sent them to bed at 6pm) we were really stuck as we had a work function to go to MIL is local so she has always helped us out but she was in hospital. We see my parents about once a month as a family usually us to them but sometimes they come to us. All this happens when we are with the children. Apart from the 1 time in an emergency mentioned above we have never used them for childcare as they have always made it clear from when my oldest was a baby that they are not child carers and we have always been fine with that. My children do not misbehave anywhere else and are good at school and other relatives houses.

OP posts:
Holly60 · 31/05/2021 23:37

@MachiaNelly

Show me someone who says they have a perfectly behaved child and I’ll show you a liar….

I'm not a liar. My children were always well behaved and never rude to their grandparents. Some children are just naturally sweet tempered and don't witness much rudeness around them to copy. Maybe I was just lucky.

Are your children NEVER grumpy then? I am a day-to-day granny and I see ALL moods, good and bad. My DGC don’t have to behave in a certain way around me and are free to just be themselves, the good the bad and the ugly. We all have our moments, surely?!

If on the other hand your children are never ever grumpy, then jolly good for you!

MachiaNelly · 31/05/2021 23:38

Weird how this massively escalated when a lot of the posters didn't agree with you
I've often seen this happen, but this one was glaringly obvious.

AlwaysLatte · 31/05/2021 23:42

My Mum is the opposite - was pretty firm with us but is very playful and forgiving with our children, although if they are disrespectful to us she sharply pulls them up. They are never like that to her though! Just like Kevin and Perry!

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 31/05/2021 23:43

Yes @Holly60 I do expect children aged 8 and 11 To take interest in their grandparents and not have it all as a one way street.

Then again I don't raise my children to be ageist, I don't minimise grandparents lives as silly bridge games and hip replacements (my children's grandparents go clubbing FFS). I teach them it's important to take an interest in others. I teach them adults are humans, and that way they might just show a bit of respect and not be rude or badly behaved towards them

Try it sometime. No need to be "lost for words".

Holly60 · 31/05/2021 23:44

@AlwaysLatte

My Mum is the opposite - was pretty firm with us but is very playful and forgiving with our children, although if they are disrespectful to us she sharply pulls them up. They are never like that to her though! Just like Kevin and Perry!
That’s what Grannys are for Wink And they will be the ones visiting her and making her cups of tea when she is old and infirm. No one is more adored than a caring granny
Footloosefancyfree · 31/05/2021 23:46

They are rude and naughty thats not acceptable at that age whatsoever you need to address that. I don't buy that they go once a month with you there. The fact you and your ds are making such an issue over a monthly visit? Why would your dad buy a console for a once a month visit with you there? Your changing the narrative to suit your agenda that your dp are awful are your kids are the victims.

Holly60 · 31/05/2021 23:46

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Yes *@Holly60* I do expect children aged 8 and 11 To take interest in their grandparents and not have it all as a one way street.

Then again I don't raise my children to be ageist, I don't minimise grandparents lives as silly bridge games and hip replacements (my children's grandparents go clubbing FFS). I teach them it's important to take an interest in others. I teach them adults are humans, and that way they might just show a bit of respect and not be rude or badly behaved towards them

Try it sometime. No need to be "lost for words".

Clubbing? Clubbing? Again, I’m lost for words. Quite frankly, how embarrassing for them.
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 31/05/2021 23:47

@AnneLovesGilbert

My two year old asks my mum how her friends are and names them. She knows what veg my mum is growing. My pre teen step kids ask about my dad and step mum’s cats, their volunteering work, step mum’s mum.

Same here! Mine are 9 and5 and since they were tiny they've been going to their grandad's allotment, finding out what he grows, they know the names of their grandparents friends etc.

I'm more baffled people expect their parents to dehumanise themselves and make it all about the children. Makes me sad!

Footloosefancyfree · 31/05/2021 23:48

Holly60 not all grandparents are old.

Holly60 · 31/05/2021 23:50

[quote FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]@AnneLovesGilbert

My two year old asks my mum how her friends are and names them. She knows what veg my mum is growing. My pre teen step kids ask about my dad and step mum’s cats, their volunteering work, step mum’s mum.

Same here! Mine are 9 and5 and since they were tiny they've been going to their grandad's allotment, finding out what he grows, they know the names of their grandparents friends etc.

I'm more baffled people expect their parents to dehumanise themselves and make it all about the children. Makes me sad![/quote]
Or… their grandfather has been taking them to his allotment and teaching them all about what he is growing and telling them stories all about their friends. In turn your children are interested in their DGP. This is lovely and exactly how it should be.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 31/05/2021 23:50

@katy1213

Really weird people who prefer well-behaved children!
I prefer well behaved children 🤷‍♀️ who doesn't.

I have 3 sets of nephews and nieces and I never look after one set because they're so badly behaved - pick on my kids, destroy my house, draw on walls etc, and are very rude and 'active'. It didn't occur to me to tolerate badly behaved kids. Didn't realise the mere misfortune chance of being related to them means I have to let children completely cross my personal boundaries

Holly60 · 31/05/2021 23:50

@Footloosefancyfree

Holly60 not all grandparents are old.
I jolly hope not Grin
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 31/05/2021 23:52

Why should you care about someone who doesn’t care about you. I literally do not get the logic

Quite sad that you equate "older parents won't look after exhausting small children all the time" as "they don't care about me"

EKGEMS · 31/05/2021 23:53

I'd have been at your parents front door and it would've been hell to pay if that were my son receiving nasty texts from my mother!!! Even if my kids are a pain in the ass you don't treat grand children that way (but then again I had an abusive grandfather who would slap me and my siblings around while babysitting but I would never tolerate my parents doing that to my child)