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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To insist he makes proper arrangements?

130 replies

CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 13:08

I’ve been split up with my ex for over 4 years now (we have 4 children) since we’ve been split up he has never had them over night (not once at all) due to his living arrangements he is unable to have them at his house, his ideal situation would be seeing them in my house but that didn’t work because we don’t get on, he saw them for a bit at my house but it wasn’t working, I told him he needed to start making other arrangements and he could take them out for the day instead, he has been unable to stick to this due to the fact he lives 2 hours away and it was too much effort for him to travel 2 hours down to take the kids out for the day and 2 hours back home. We have tried this 3 times and he just doesn’t stick to it, he will do it for a bit and then stop seeing them for months as it because too much effort, he currently isn’t seeing them at all but still makes half hearted attempts at contact. Wibu to say that until he is able to have the children at his house then contact can’t happen? I really don’t know what other solution there is as the children are being hurt by him seeing them for a bit then not bothering because it’s too much work. There’s a lot more to the situation but that is the basics of it.

OP posts:

CherieBabySpliffUp · 30/05/2021 13:12

Would you trust him in your house if you weren't there? A four hour round trip is doable if he wanted to see his children badly enough.

Original poster

CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 13:16

I can’t leave him in my house sadly as I have nowhere else to go and I’m not willing to wonder around so he can see them.

OP posts:

CherieBabySpliffUp · 30/05/2021 13:20

Do you not have friends or family you could visit?

Northernparent68 · 30/05/2021 13:21

4 hour trip everyday he wants to see his children ? Who moved away-you Or him ?

chickenyhead · 30/05/2021 13:22

I don't think you should end contact, nor facilitate it. He can explain why he is so shit.

The kids will see him for what he is and be able to accept him as is. If you end contact he will be on a pedestal.

Mumof1andacat · 30/05/2021 13:24

Get a court so there are formal arrangements on place. Can u use a contact centre?

notapizzaeater · 30/05/2021 13:25

Which one moved away ?

UhtredRagnarson · 30/05/2021 13:25

You are NOT being unreasonable at all OP. This is not your problem to solve. You are seeing your children, you have tried to offer solutions to help him see them, he has decided not to bother. That’s his choice. If he wants to see them, actually wants to rather than trotting out the script of the feckless dad, then he will make sure he sees them.

Original poster

CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 13:26

It’s not every day, he wanted to see them every other weekend for the day, so once a fortnight.

I don’t have many friends no and although I have family I’m not close to them and really don’t want to sit in their houses for hours at a time, I don’t have the best relationship with my mum and although we get on Ok It’s usually in small doses so I wouldn’t want to sit in her house for a few hours every other weekend.

OP posts:

UhtredRagnarson · 30/05/2021 13:27

OP tell him via text “the Dc will be available for contact every other weekend from 6pm on Friday until 6pm on Sunday. Please inform me if you will not be collecting them on any occasion.”

Original poster

CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 13:39

We both moved away we already lived an hour and a half from each other when we met, he moved in with me but when we split up he moved back and I moved slightly further away from where I was living (but still within the same borough)

OP posts:

cocoloco987 · 30/05/2021 14:05

I don't think you should end contact, nor facilitate it. He can explain why he is so shit.

This. The kids will make up their own minds. No point on the court suggestion you can't take someone to court to force them to see their kids more. Court is to settle disputes where access is being denied which isn't happening. They aren't going to force op to facilitate it in her house and a centre won't solve the issue that the dc can't be bothered to do the driving

DragonLegs · 30/05/2021 14:08

What’s preventing him having suitable living arrangements?

Original poster

CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 14:12

He has lodgers at his house. He has no interest in changing that.

The reason why I want to stop contact unless he can make suitable arrangements is because he won’t stick to the contact we have had, he will go months without seeing them and then pick them up again see them for a bit and then stop again because it’s too much effort, in the mean time my children are hurt and confused about why he keeps stopping contact with them. He didn’t see them for the pretty much the whole of the pandemic because he had nowhere to take them with everything being closed.

OP posts:

toocold54 · 30/05/2021 14:19

As he has lodgers in his house I wouldn’t feel comfortable him having the DCs there overnight.
For now I would let him have them at your house and you can have a Netflix day in bed. But he will need to sort his living arrangements out to have them at his. I’m assuming he can’t afford to live alone which is why he has lodgers?

It’s a really difficult one OP and I completely get your frustration it doesn’t seem fair that you’re being put out to help him but I can’t see any other option.

Original poster

CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 14:21

He’s not having them at mine. That’s not happening, we tried it and it didn’t work and I no longer feel comfortable with him in my house. We both agree the kids can’t go there as he rents out every single room.

OP posts:

chickenyhead · 30/05/2021 14:25

Nor should you!

He chose to have children. He is choosing not to see them.

You should not feel pressued because of HIS decisions.

Even if I had to live in a wheelie bin, I would see my kids.

ApolloandDaphne · 30/05/2021 14:27

It is not unreasonable that he would make the journey once a fortnight to see his children and make it consistent and regular. This would be in their best interests. I can see why it is confusing and hurtful for them when he cannot commit to this. I agree he needs to shape up or ship out. Stick to your guns and tell him every fortnight or nothing!

Original poster

CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 14:30

Thank you, I did try that for a bit but he use to fall asleep on the sofa, even the kids would give me funny looks as in to say what is wrong with him, he would sit and watch tv with them and not say a single word they would all he sat in silence, it was really weird, when I did stay out of the way and stay in my bedroom he said that was “acting weird” and he doesn’t feel comfortable coming down if I’m acting weird, hence why I put a stop to him coming to mine.

OP posts:

toocold54 · 30/05/2021 14:37

That’s fair enough OP.
In an ideal world what would you want him to do at the moment?
Have them for the day or take them back to his and have them overnight?

cocoloco987 · 30/05/2021 14:42

Does he have parents or a sibling he can take the dc over night to? I get the stopping and starting will be hurtful for dc and frustrating for you but if you stop it completely that will be his excuse to them and he'll move the blame to you which sometimes as teens dc can lap up. Would it be better just to allow it, let them figure it out. When he doesn't turn yo say sorry daddy was really busy he's really sad he can't make it etc. Having an equally shit but in different ways exp that would be my tactic. It's your call though. No one will blame you (apart from him) if you do stop it.

Original poster

CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 14:45

Nowhere he can take 4 to, his parents passed away.

In an ideal world he would have them at his house like other fathers but that’s not possible.

OP posts:

Scattyhattie · 30/05/2021 14:46

Surely he could get a cheap room for the night and see them both days if he wanted to.

Original poster

CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 14:48

That would be a good solution but I believe hotels won’t allow 5 to stay in a room? Also I doubt he would pay the money

OP posts:

cocoloco987 · 30/05/2021 14:50

I had been going to suggest the hotel - premier inn etc but figured it's yet another commitment on top of the drive that I doubt he'd step up to

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