Page 4 | To insist he makes proper arrangements?

CandyFIosss · 2021-05-30T12:08:48+00:00

I’ve been split up with my ex for over 4 years now (we have 4 children) since we’ve been split up he has never had them over night (not once at all) due to his living arrangements he is unable to have them at his house, his ideal situation would be seeing them in my house but that didn’t work because we don’t get on, he saw them for a bit at my house but it wasn’t working, I told him he needed to start making other arrangements and he could take them out for the day instead, he has been unable to stick to this due to the fact he lives 2 hours away and it was too much effort for him to travel 2 hours down to take the kids out for the day and 2 hours back home. We have tried this 3 times and he just doesn’t stick to it, he will do it for a bit and then stop seeing them for months as it because too much effort, he currently isn’t seeing them at all but still makes half hearted attempts at contact. Wibu to say that until he is able to have the children at his house then contact can’t happen? I really don’t know what other solution there is as the children are being hurt by him seeing them for a bit then not bothering because it’s too much work. There’s a lot more to the situation but that is the basics of it.

CoffeeCakey · 30/05/2021 19:16

Could he take them to the cinema/shopping centre ( make it the same place every week) and you could do either the drop off or the pick up? I'd suggest pick up so if he doesn't bother to turn up you haven't gone all that way for nothing? I think the courts would look more in your favour then for trying everything to allow contact.

Thebookswereherfriends · 30/05/2021 19:16

I think all you need to do is don’t make plans on the day he says he’s going to come, but don’t tell the kids. If he turns up, great, if he doesn’t then you haven’t got to disappoint the kids. Tell the children that their dad has mental health problems and use that as the reason he doesn’t stick to regular times, so that they understand it’s not their fault.

CoffeeCakey · 30/05/2021 19:17

If he went to court you'd be required, most likely, to facilitate the contact and do at least half of the travel. I think this is right, that’s what usually happens. Doesn't make it any easier when he is a waste of space.

Original poster

CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 19:20

Well luckily he won’t then. I raise 4 children alone, I do not get a single break ever and he only wants to take them to the cinema once a fortnight, like hell am I meeting him half way to do that, I’m exhausted after the week tbh raising 4 children alone.

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CandyLeBonBon · 30/05/2021 19:22

I'm with you op. It's exhausting. You have my sympathy

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/05/2021 19:24

You both moved away and from previous threads iirc neither of you work so you should be able to come up with a half way meet for the sake of the children.
When they are old enough to see the situation for themselves, they may come to their own conclusion ps re the effort of the adults in their lives.

Original poster

CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 19:25

CandyLeBonBon

Thank you, life is pretty hectic as it is for someone to just want to have a bit of fun once a fortnight, I wouldn’t mind if it was for the weekend or even overnight in fact I would be running there for the break!

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Original poster

CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 19:27

IceCreamAndCandyfloss

You forgot the bit where my child is disabled and I’m a carer hence me not working 🤨 you know hence being a lone parent to 4 with a disabled child and no father on the scene for support.

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CandyLeBonBon · 30/05/2021 19:37

@CandyFIosss

CandyLeBonBon

Thank you, life is pretty hectic as it is for someone to just want to have a bit of fun once a fortnight, I wouldn’t mind if it was for the weekend or even overnight in fact I would be running there for the break!

I'm in the same boat op. 3 dc not 4 but I have always done the heavy lifting and I really resent having to do any more to make ex's life any easier than he already has it, as he sees them two days a month. He lives an hour away and thinks he's inconvenienced by having to collect them from mine. It's beyond tiring. I get it.

Ickythefirebobby · 30/05/2021 19:40

@CandyFIosss

I can’t leave him in my house sadly as I have nowhere else to go and I’m not willing to wonder around so he can see them.

It’s a shame you’re not willing to give him time with the children at your house. Ultimately this punishes the children. It’s certainly a tricky one, especially if you feel that he’s not making an effort.

If it were me I’d let him come to the house. You both have a responsibility to make sure both parents are in his life.

CandyLeBonBon · 30/05/2021 19:46

Ugh. I'm so sick of hearing 'but op, you're being so unfaiiiiiiirrrrrrrr'

Op has made efforts that don't work. Op's ex is a flake who needs to step the fuck up.

Sole charge of 4 dc (one disabled) is exhausting.

She's doing more than her fair share to ensure her kids are happy and healthy and for some posters that's STILL not enough.

Apparently women must martyr themselves for fear of not being see to do enough.

It's fucking tedious.

Rainbowqueeen · 30/05/2021 19:50

The reality is he is not interested and you can’t force him to be interested. If he was interested he would have come up with a decent solution himself.
Op just tell him the DC are available for contact on x day at x time. Please confirm arrangements. Keep everything in writing. If he does confirm, don’t tell the kids in case he doesn’t show up.
Try cms again.
Then just move on with your life and support your kids as best you can.

Original poster

CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 19:56

No sorry he can’t come to my house, I tried that I really did, but I can’t be forced into playing happy families with my ex, it was also confusing the children, he would come here and sleep on the sofa like I said, he didn’t interact with them he would be napping on my sofa, he didn’t do any parenting he would order a take away and watch a film with them, he would also hint at staying over (the kids would ask him to take the to school and he said he could only do that if he stayed over, then looked at me) I can’t sit in my room as he didn’t like that (said it was weird)

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Notcrackersyet · 30/05/2021 20:00

Op you would feel absolute zero obligation to accommodate his access in your house. Where there’s a will there’s a way - Ie he should step up!

StopPokingTheRoyalTitDear · 30/05/2021 20:16

It’s a shame you’re not willing to give him time with the children at your house. Ultimately this punishes the children. It’s certainly a tricky one, especially if you feel that he’s not making an effort.

If it were me I’d let him come to the house. You both have a responsibility to make sure both parents are in his life.

More fool you. Seriously, this man has apparently had loads of opportunities to have time with his children already and he does not bother. Why in the name of fuck should the children’s mother have to facilitate contact with him in her home, her personal space? The OP does all of the parenting already, she’s already being a responsible parent and very much in the children’s lives. Whereas he doesn’t even contribute financially let alone practically. We need to stop pandering to these pathetic fathers “because it’s the nice thing to do” and insist they step up and parent their children properly, not just when it’s convenient for them. Fucking sick of the expectation that mothers pick up the pieces when “fathers” let their children down.

StopPokingTheRoyalTitDear · 30/05/2021 20:19

@CandyFIosss

No sorry he can’t come to my house, I tried that I really did, but I can’t be forced into playing happy families with my ex, it was also confusing the children, he would come here and sleep on the sofa like I said, he didn’t interact with them he would be napping on my sofa, he didn’t do any parenting he would order a take away and watch a film with them, he would also hint at staying over (the kids would ask him to take the to school and he said he could only do that if he stayed over, then looked at me) I can’t sit in my room as he didn’t like that (said it was weird)

Too fucking right you shouldn’t let him stay at your house. It sends a very confusing message to the children anyway. It boggles my mind that anyone would want that set up

you know expect the useless NRP

because their life is made easier.

Original poster

CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 20:20

I know I’m really shocked some people think I should have him in my house because he would rather rent out his own 🤔 how is that my problem!

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CandyLeBonBon · 30/05/2021 20:21

@CandyFIosss

I know I’m really shocked some people think I should have him in my house because he would rather rent out his own 🤔 how is that my problem!

You're not being unreasonable op. You're really really not.

StopPokingTheRoyalTitDear · 30/05/2021 20:22

I meant accept and not except the useless NRP. I was that fuming when I typed it

LondonStone · 30/05/2021 20:26

@CandyFIosss

I know I’m really shocked some people think I should have him in my house because he would rather rent out his own 🤔 how is that my problem!

I agree OP! YANBU. I was surprised some people think you’d want to spend the whole day in bed watching TV whilst he has free reign of your house.

Some people might love a duvet day but I’d be bored and uncomfortable after an hour, no thanks!

Clusterfckintolerant · 30/05/2021 20:37

Well done for not being a doormat, but please be careful. However
frustrating it must be, you must not end access to the children.

You don't have to provide a venue for access or have him in your home at all. His living arrangements are up to him, so is his decision not to see his children at all, which is sad.

I don't want to say more here except try to avoid court, but if you go that route, you MUST have representation.

PurpleMustang · 30/05/2021 20:40

It doesn't sound like anything is different since you last posted about him.
You have tried to be accommodating by allowing him into your home. But he obviously wanted you around to what, play happy families, help entertain the kids? Very odd.
Also stops you having any time to have a break if he is there physically in your house and no you shouldn't have to leave to allow him in. Not that it sounds like he wanted you to go out anyways.
If he isn't working, not like he is tired from working all week, so no reason why he couldn't AT LEAST now things are opening back up, come down early one morning, take the kids wherever for the day, drop them home for bed, go and stay in a hotel himself and come back in the morning and then have them till whenever, drop them then go back to his. I would, as others said, decide what you are willing to allow him to do, tell him then it is up to him. If anything just tell the kids that he will see them when he can. But don't tell them he may be coming in case he doesn't

Booboobadoo · 30/05/2021 20:44

I'm really shocked at the number of people saying that OP should do more. She does absolutely everything already and it still isn't enough! All the suggestions if him getting a hotel etc etc clearly aren't going to happen because he doesn't care enough. He pays nothing for the children and has filled up his house so the children are unable to stay. How can OP solve the problem of him single-handedly

ILoveFlumps · 30/05/2021 20:55

@Booboobadoo

I'm really shocked at the number of people saying that OP should do more. She does absolutely everything already and it still isn't enough! All the suggestions if him getting a hotel etc etc clearly aren't going to happen because he doesn't care enough. He pays nothing for the children and has filled up his house so the children are unable to stay. How can OP solve the problem of him single-handedly

Absolutely this. YANBU OP. You do not have to facilitate contact at yours or anywhere else. He needs to buck his ideas up and sort something himself. You've done nothing wrong at all. The children will realise soon enough what a waste of space he is.

Original poster

CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 22:04

Thank you, I wonder if they would happily have their own exes in their house? He doesn’t even have a bed last time I spoke to him he was claiming he slept on his sofa so I would like to know where the children would be sleeping when he can’t even be bothered to get his own bed. The lodgers are strangers he met on spare room, they are all men, I wonder if these people would also happily send their 4 children to sleep in a house with 3 strange men? My ex doesn’t think they should be there, he is not going along with that to please me, he agrees it’s unsuitable. And no he wouldn’t like me going out as he likes me being here so that he has help/back up with the children, I do all the parenting when he saw them at mine. Really his ideal situation would be coming to see them at my house once a fortnight and never taking them anywhere because that’s too much work. If he wants to sort out his living situation so he can have them overnight then he could, he’s chosen not to.

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